Dean feels dissatisfied as he parks his car and he and his boyfriend head into the apartment. Despite everything he'd said earlier, Cas had, in a sense, managed to mess up that date. It wasn't really his fault and Dean isn't going to say anything about it, but it wasn't exactly the evening Dean had hoped for.
He strips off his tie as soon as he gets through the door and tosses it onto the couch next to where Cas sits shortly afterward, silent.
"You okay?" Dean asks.
"Currently, yes."
He pauses. "So what d'you want to do?"
Cas shakes his head. "I should probably leave, but I'm not sure."
"Well, don't go unless you have to. You know you're always welcome here."
Cas puts his face in his hands. "I don't know if avoiding heaven is the solution or if I'm better off approaching them. I've always hoped that eventually they'd just…give up on me. But they haven't yet."
"What do you want to do?" Dean grabs his tie off the couch and sits next to Cas.
"Avoid them. I still want to spend the evening with you, Dean, but I don't know if that's wise."
"Are we in danger if you stay?"
Cas looks up again and gives a small shrug. "I don't know. I don't think so, she said tonight was a warning."
Dean gives Cas a pat on the shoulder and stands up. "It's up to you." He goes to his bedroom to grab his iPod before reemerging and asking, "Can you do anything to make it up to them tomorrow?"
"I'll figure something out. I shouldn't make it your concern." He puts his head in one hand and closes his eyes, thinking.
Dean plugs the iPod into his parents' old speakers, which he has set up in the living room but barely ever uses. He selects a set of music that he doesn't usually listen to, but it seems more appropriate than Metallica or Lynyrd Skynyrd. The first song that plays is "You're My Best Friend" by Queen.
He sits down next to Cas and waits for some kind of response from him. The angel remains silent, eyes closed.
Wondering if maybe he should give Cas a moment, Dean checks his phone for the call he missed earlier. The caller ID reads "Dad."
Son of a bitch.
The one time his dad finally calls and he ignored it because he was waiting for Cas. He doesn't hold any bitterness toward Cas for it, of course, but it still pisses him off that he missed it.
Dean takes a breath. Now's not the time. Cas needs him right now, whether he'll admit it or not.
He looks over at his boyfriend and stands up again, then puts a hand on Cas's shoulder. He looks up. Dean raises his eyebrows in a silent are you okay? as his hand trails down Cas's arm and to his hand.
A tiny shake of the head. Not really.
He pulls the angel to his feet and puts his arms around his lower back. "Do you know how to dance, Cas?"
Cas frowns and cocks his head to the side. "No."
"Good, 'cause neither do I. Put your arms around me."
Hesitantly, Cas does so, but he stays still.
"I'm making this up as I go," Dean says. "Just move to the music with me and we'll call it close enough."
Cas picks up on it quickly, but Dean can tell he's still distracted.
"Cas," Dean says softly, "let it go. Whatever it is, you'll figure it out."
The song comes to an end and Cas stops, looking down at Dean's collar instead of his eyes. "I wish there was an easy solution. I wish I could just forget heaven. I don't want you to have to put up with my…my bullshit all the time."
The next song starts and Dean wonders why the hell it's on this playlist. Here I Go Again by Whitesnake.
"Cas, I don't care. I know you're so afraid of me deciding I hate you because of this, but it's not gonna happen. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm kind of fond of you. I mean, I love you. I think you know that. Do whatever you have to to keep those angels off your ass, but don't worry about me."
Cas shakes his head and smiles slightly. "I have no idea how I was lucky enough to run across you, Dean Winchester."
Dean rolls his eyes and smiles. "Oh, shut up." He takes Cas's hands as the song starts to pick up. "Just dance with me, angel boy."
Here I Go Again is a terrible song to dance to, really, but it just makes it all the more hilarious to try. By the time the song ends, both Dean and Cas are laughing.
"Don't ever try to dance in public," Dean says, grinning. "I'm not a good role model."
Smiling, Cas shakes his head and leans forward to give Dean a kiss.
They're still lightly pressed together as the next song starts. Dean pulls away with an embarrassed smile.
"Oh, god, no. This song is so cheesy." Love of a Lifetime by Firehouse. He goes to skip it, but Cas catches his hand.
"Just leave it," he chuckles. He puts an arm around Dean and pulls him close. Reluctantly, Dean grabs Cas's left hand with his right and raises it to the height of their shoulders.
With you I never wonder, 'will you be there for me?'
With you I never wonder; you're the right one for me.
As the song continues, Dean isn't sure when they're slow dancing, hugging, kissing, or some combination of all of them. When the song winds down to an end and the last guitar chord plays, Cas and Dean are standing in the middle of the room with their foreheads nearly touching, almost kissing. Dean's never been this close to Cas for this long and he realizes just then how much he loves this angel—his angel—and his beautiful personality.
"You feel better?" Dean asks quietly as he reaches up to undo Cas's tie. Def Leppard has already started playing, but neither of them move.
"You have no idea," Cas replies with a slight smile.
"That's what I'm here for," Dean says. "Boyfriend or not, I'm still here to be your best friend. Cheer you up when you need it."
"You are my best friend. You're my only friend."
"So I'm the worst, too," Dean smirks, unbuttoning the top button on Cas's shirt.
"Absolutely," Cas answers and gives Dean a kiss.
While they kiss, Dean slowly undoes each of the buttons on Cas's dress shirt. The angel doesn't resist or ask what he's doing. Finally, this seems to be something he'll let Dean lead with without stopping to ask what's going on.
Dean grabs Cas's hand and takes him to the bedroom—leaving the music playing to the empty living room—then shrugs out of his suit coat and tosses it aside. He takes Castiel's hand again and laces their fingers together, then puts his other hand on the side of Cas's neck and kisses him. His hand slides from Cas's neck and down the front of his chest, settling under his open shirt on his hip. Hesitantly, Cas pulls Dean's shirt away from where it had been tucked into his pants and slips his hand up to the middle of Dean's back.
When they part, Dean unbuttons the top of his shirt and tugs it off over his head. "I'm going to make the very safe assumption that you've never had sex before," he says quietly with a smile, running his hands across Cas's shoulders to push his suit coat and shirt off.
Cas nods, pulling his arms out of the ends of the shirt sleeves.
"Do you want to?" Dean asks, putting his arms around Cas's neck.
"Yes," Cas answers, running the back of his fingers down the side of Dean's face. "Of course."
Dean smiles and kisses him, pushing him back onto the bed. As he settles on top of him, he feels Cas flinch.
"What?" Dean asks, confused, holding himself off Cas with his arms.
"I think—" Cas looks nauseous and Dean shifts off of him so he can sit up.
"Are you okay?"
Then Cas's wings spring into existence. They seem huge in the bedroom; one is folded and hangs over the edge of the bed, but the other has to be partially spread while he's sitting.
Cas immediately looks dispirited, but Dean laughs. Cas looks up.
"That's going to make things interesting," Dean says. "You good?"
Cas nods, still a little confused, and Dean puts a hand on his chest to push him back to the bed. His wings rest to either side of them.
"It doesn't matter, Cas," Dean says, holding himself on his elbows and running a hand through Cas's hair. "I said it earlier, but I love you. With or without the wings." He leans down to give him a short kiss. "And we're definitely still having sex."
Cas smiles and puts his arms around Dean's back. "I love you too, Dean. I…haven't gotten to say that, but I do."
"I know you do." And he leans down again to commit himself to loving his angel.
vvv
Having sex with a winged angel has its complications.
At one point, Dean tries to roll the two of them over, only to roll onto Cas's wing, pinning him down.
"Oh, shit, sorry. Did that hurt?"
"No," Cas laughs, shifting his wing out of the way and laying on top of Dean.
"Well, now you're on top and you stay on top."
They take it slowly but not without passion. For all Dean's love of Cas, he realizes he'd underestimated the angel's ability to have sex. Dean has had sex with far more experienced men and women and enjoyed it much less.
When they're done, Cas moves off Dean and lies on his side next to him, his wings spread out behind him. The two men are still working on catching their breath.
"Was that alright?" Cas asks after a moment.
Dean shifts to his side to face him. "That was amazing," he says with a smile. He moves his head forward on the pillow to give Cas a kiss. "Now, if I lay on my back, you're gonna do that thing where you put your head on my chest, right?" he asks as he rolls to his back.
"Maybe," Cas replies with an amused smile as he does exactly that, laying his head on the front of Dean's shoulder and putting a hand on his chest.
Dean smiles and rests an arm over Cas, stroking his wing. His feathers are light and downey near his shoulder but get sleek and smooth near his lower back. How heaven can have Cas trained to think such beautiful things are a punishment, Dean isn't sure.
Dean tips his head to the side so that his chin rests in Cas's hair. Cas always smells fresh, like he's just gotten out of the shower, but with a hint of his own scent underneath. Dean couldn't fully pinpoint or describe either, but to him it smells like heaven.
Maybe it literally does.
With his eyes closed, Dean is nearly asleep when it happens.
Cas tenses suddenly and takes a sharp inhale, as if in pain.
Dean opens his eyes and looks down at him. "Cas?"
Cas shakes his head, his face tight with pain. He pulls away from Dean, curling into a fetal position with some escalating agony that Dean can't fathom the source of.
"Cas? Cas, what's wrong?"
His only response is to cry out, and over the sound of the angel's pain, Dean can hear what must be bones breaking.
They're breaking his wings.
Dean sits up and puts one hand on Cas's shoulder, using the other to shakily stroke his hair. He feels panicked and helpless as he watches his boyfriend flinch, gasping, under the pain.
"Cas, I'm sorry," Dean says, almost more to himself since he knows the angel can't be listening. "Why do they do this to you?"
After a few more seconds, Cas goes still, breathing heavily, his whole body tensed. His eyes are shut tightly, though a few tears have slipped down his face.
"Cas?"
He nods slightly. He's slowly getting less tense, but he keeps his eyes closed and his eyebrows remain contorted with pain. "The wings," he whispers.
"I know," Dean says softly. He reaches out and gingerly touches one of the misshapen wings. Though he swore his touch as was light as possible, Cas flinches. "What should I do?" Dean asks, his fear returning. He gets off the bed and starts to pull on his underwear and pants. "I can call an ambulance, but what the hell will they think? But I can't just leave you—"
"Dean," Cas says. Dean realizes he's been saying his name repeatedly but only now is loud enough to catch Dean's attention. Cas looks at him, pain still written all over his face. "There's something I need to tell you," he manages quietly.
Dean frowns as he does the button on his pants. He sits on the bed again and carefully moves Cas's head into his lap. The angel is still lying on his side, his broken wings resting on the bed behind him, but he can turn his head enough to look up at Dean.
"I haven't been completely honestly with you," Cas says softly. His voice is so full of pain and regret that it almost makes Dean physically hurt. "I think…I think you know that. And I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I just couldn't let you know…I couldn't…." His voice becomes choked and he winces, taking a deep breath.
"It's okay," Dean says. "Just tell me."
Cas reaches up and touches the side of Dean's face with an unsteady hand. "It's you," he whispers.
"What?"
"It's always been you." He lowers his hand. "Every punishment I've ever endured—it's not just because I'm here with humans. It's not just because I'm failing heaven. It is that, but mainly it's because I'm with you." He closes his eyes but keeps talking. "When I was fourteen and I healed your brother, I couldn't see you for months because I was kept locked away in heaven. They burned more symbols into my arms in the hope they could control me, but I knew I couldn't just leave you alone." He opens his dark eyes again and looks up at Dean. "When I missed your departure, it was because they'd decided I was spending too much time around you, so they gave me wings. That evening at the bar when you first found out I was an angel, they were trying to prevent me from seeing you because they knew I'd just agreed to it. The night on your roof, I had wings because I'd agreed to a date. You must have noticed it happened more often the closer we became. Earlier today, at the restaurant…the angel that found me was telling me to stay away from you.
"I've been ignoring it all for so long, hoping I could work around it and you'd never have to know. I was willing to take it, to take anything if it meant I could stay. But tonight I realized…it's not just me they're threatening, Dean. It's you. And now with my wings like this…I can't keep this from you. I should have told you weeks ago, a month ago, but I…I was selfish. And I'm sorry."
Dean shakes his head, staring at Cas with an appalled expression, even as he still runs his fingers through the angel's hair. "Everything? Everything was me?"
"It's not your fault. It's not. It's mine." He closes his eyes, clenching his jaw for a moment before he opens his eyes again and stares past Dean to the ceiling. "There's something so wrong to them about an angel and a human falling in love and I don't know why. But tonight we crossed the line."
"Cas…Cas, I'm not worth this," Dean says, a hint of incredulity in his tone. "You can't take all this for me."
Desperation fills Cas's eyes. "There's a reason I've done it this long. I was going to just withstand it, Dean, I was. But now you might be in danger and I…I don't know what to do."
Dean shakes his head again. "We have to stop. Castiel, I can't let you do this for me. The wings are one thing, but now they're hurting you and I'm not going to sit here and let that happen." He puts his hand on the side of Cas's face. "You mean too much to me," he whispers.
It seems to take Cas a moment to fully realize what he means. "No—you mean—"
"We part ways," Dean finishes. "We break up. What else can we do, Cas? I can't watch this happen."
"This is why I never told you," Cas says, his tone bordering on anger. "You're too good of a man, Dean. I knew you'd never let it slide."
"Of course I wouldn't! I'm not going to let my boyfriend suffer just to see me, I'm not worth it."
"You are to me," Cas hisses.
"Then we need to figure out a way to stop feeling like this."
Cas shakes his head, and his injured expression is almost too much. He looks at Dean for a long time, then closes his eyes as though giving up.
Dean gently takes Cas's head in one hand and slips out from underneath him.
"Where are you going?" Cas asks softly.
Dean wraps the sheets around Cas and pulls them out from how they'd been tucked in at the foot of the bed. "We," he says, scooping Cas and the sheets into his arms, "are going to the kitchen and I'm going to look at your wings."