Chapter 10

The Quadriplegic Pony

The Blobbits arrived at the gates of Brie, soaking wet due to reasons unknown. They paused and sniffed the air again. "Yeah!" Pimple shouted.
Lardo socked Pimple in the gut and knocked on the gates. A small peep hole opened high above them, then slammed shut. Another opens, still high above their heads. Another opened nearer their eye level, but not wide enough to see all the fat people. The guy behind the peepholes got fed up with it and opened the door.
The old guy had a nametag on that read: "Scram, my name is Chubby Goatleaf." "What in the heck do you want?" Goatleaf asked, bitterly.
Lardo looked Goatleaf in the eyes and said sincerely, "You!"
Goatleaf slapped a hand to his eyes and turned his head to the sky, "Gosh! Kids! Just say please and I'll let you in!"
Spam shoved Goatleaf, "We gonna stay at the inn foo! Our business is our own, sucka!"
"Whatever… I hate this job." He waved them past.
The Blobbits walked beside one another and took up the whole road. People glared at them. A man who looked similar the creator of the known universe chewed on a carrot.
Three men jumped out from an alley way. They were dressed in pinstripes, straw hats, and moustaches. They readied themselves for a song.

We are the men of Brie.
Not one, not two but three!
We'll sing you a song, you can sing it along,
if you know the words."

Pimple smiled as he ran to join them. The four sang.

We love to eat and eat and sleep.
We'll drink 'til we're a mindless heap.
Then we go to work, don't be a jerk,
in this land called Brie!

Pimple through out his arms in a flourish, "Ooooooh!"

Everyone loves Brie, everyone loves Brie,
everyone loves you,

The guy eating a carrot sang sadly, "Nobody loves me."

But that's the way it goes in the land of Brie.
Everyone loves Brie, I think we all should drink!

Spam applauded loudly, but it slowly petered out once he noticed he was the only one clapping.
Pimple cam back to the group as the men went back to doing what they were doing.
Lardo looked up and spotted the sign of the Quadrepeligic Pony. The four Blobbits entered the Inn. Inside, it was crowded, smelly, noisy, smelly, and smelly. Lardo walked up to the front desk and tried to look over it, but it was too tall for such a short, fat guy. "Hey!" Lardo shouted loudly.
The Innkeeper leaned over the desk. He had a nametag that said "Scram, please, my name is Barliman Butterball." "Good evening, fat masters. If you're looking for a place to stay we've got some nice 'cozy' Blobbit sized rooms available, Mr…"
Lardo's face brightened. "Underwear! My name's underwear!"
Butterball looked at him queerly. "Underwear. Yes…"
"We sorta know Spandalf the Grey. Would you let him know we're here?"
"Spandalf?" Butterball tasted the name in his mouth. "Spandalf. Oh yes! I remember: fat old chap, big tall stomach, big grey beard." Lardo's face brightened again, "Not seen him in six decades." Butterball smiled, "What a marvelous six decades!"
Spam huddled closer to Lardo, "What do we do now?"
Lardo looked around. "Let's pants that guy over there!"

Three of the Blobbits were seated at a table near the fireplace, watching a man pull his pants back up. Lardo patted Spam on the shoulder, "Don't worry. He'll come. I think."
Hairy came back to the table, holding a huge mug. Pimple gazed at it lovingly. "What's that?!"
Hairy stared at the liquid inside, "This my friend, is a two-liter!"
Pimple almost choked on the words, "It comes in two-liters? I'm getting one!"
Spam nudged Lardo and pointed to a man in the corner. "That freak's been doing nothing but stare at us since we arrived."
Lardo looked. The man was smoking a pipe which occasionally lit his otherwise shadowed face. Lardo stabbed Butterball in the leg with a butter knife. Butterball fell to a knee, "Hey! That guy in the corner. Who is he?"
Butterball cringed and took a look. He quickly looked back to Lardo, "He's one of them Rangers. Dangerous folk they are, wandering the wilds. What his real name is I've never heard, but 'round here, he's known as Walker: Texas Ranger."
Lardo looked up to see Chuck Norris sitting by the guy. Chuck Norris cracked his knuckles into a fist and kissed his biceps. He had embroidered pants that read Law and Order on each legs.
Lardo shook his head. "No! Not that guy! Him!"
Butterball looked over to the other man. "Oh, him? That's just Cheesecakeman. Don't mind him." He put a hand to his mouth and spoke over it to keep himself from being heard to anyone buy Lardo, "He's craaaazy!"
Lardo looked back to Cheesecakeman. He was putting his feet into a bowl of chicken noodle soup. Lardo thought to himself, "Cheesecakeman… Well, I don't care anymore." Lardo whipped out his doughnut and started to play with it, "I'm a doughnut!" he said in a weird voice as he knocked salt shakers and various items off the table with the doughnut.
The doughnut got angry so it started chanting Lardo's last name for a while. "Bacons… Bacons… Bacons… Bacons! Bacons!"
"Bacons?" Pimple said to a bad guy at the bar, "Course I know a Bacons! Lardo Bacons. L-A-R-D-O B-A-C-O-N-S! He's got a nice shiny dough-" he was roundhousekickedinthefaced by Chuck Norris.
"Chuck!" Chuck yelled as he roundhousekickedinthefaced Pimple in the face.
Lardo stood up and his head almost exploded out of sheer amazement, but he just fell over backwards and the doughnut flew out of his hand.
"Hi Lardo!" Pimple said as Lardo landed next to him.
The doughnut flipped through the air and landed right on Lardo's finger.
"Bye Lardo!" Pimple said as Lardo disappeared.

Lardo was in the Inn, but it looked like everything was covered in chocolate. "What the heck? Where am I?"
"Peek-a-boo!" Lardo heard from behind him.
Lardo turned around and saw a big eye floating in the sky. It was surrounded by fire shaped frosting.
"I see you!"
"I see you too!" Lardo said.
"There is no sugar in the void. Only unsweetened baking chocolate!"
"Really?" Lardo bent over and scooped some chocolate from the ground into his mouth. It tasted like gauze inside his mouth. It hardened and made a nasty tasting shell around his tongue. "OH GOSH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" Lardo grasped at the doughnut on his finger.

Lardo reappeared at a staircase. He breathed heavily, trying to get the taste out of his mouth. A hand grabbed him by his shoulder and spun him around.
Cheesecakeman stared him in the eyes. "You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underwear!" He then let go of Lardo and ran around the bar, "POOOOOOOOODLE!" He yelled as he ran.
"Go home, ya queer!" some guy in the distance screamed back at him.
Cheesecakeman ran back to Lardo and pulled him up the stairs. Cheesecakeman's stomach jumped up and down as he moved. He pushed Lardo into a room and slammed the door.
"What do you want?" Lardo asked, almost crying.
"What do you think?"
"My money?"
"May-bay…"
Cheesecakeman walked over to the window and put out the candles with his tongue. "I can avoid being noticed if I wish. But to call yourself underwear, now that is a rare gift."
Lardo was confused, "Who are you?"
"Do I look like a distant relative of yours?"
"Sorta."
"Not nearly frightened enough, I know what hunts you!"
After a moment of consideration Lardo yelled, "What?!"
The door burst open and Cheesecakeman spun around and drew a sausage from a scabbard at his side. Spam, Hairy and Pimple rushed in, Spam with fists clenched and ready to fight. Hairy had a candellabra. Pimple had a chair.
"Let him go! Or I'll have you Mr. Crazyhead!"
Cheesecakeman jumped to Lardo and grabbed him by the back of his head, "You will not have this boys head today!" He placed his sausage on Lardo's neck and quickly drew it away as if cutting off his head.
The Blobbits looked at each other.
Pimple hit Hairy with his chair.
"Anyway," Cheesecakeman said, "I'm not really this crazy… I actually know some junk about junk."
Hairy stood up slowly, hand on his back. "I have a question."
"Shoot."
There was a silence.
"Oh, sorry," Cheesecakeman said, "I forgot that that word went extinct a couple years ago. Ask your question."
Silence.
Hairy went to the window where he saw some of those Black Riders that had followed them somehow. "What are those things?"
Cheesecakeman looked out the window. "They were Men, once. Great kings of Men. Then Moron the Detheever gave to them nine Doughnuts of Power. Blinded by their greed, and some crazy looking glasses, they took them without question. One by one falling into darkness. Now they are slaves to his will. They are the Dougûl, Doughnutwraiths, neither living nor dead, and they're not zombies either. At all times they feel the presence of the Doughnut. Drawn to the power of the One. They will never stop hunting you. Unless you die. Then they'll dump on your body."