"If you love deeply, you will grieve deeply. If you deny your grief, you deny the reality of the love you felt."—Diana McKendree
Sorry this chapter took so long. Since I've never been to a Catholic funeral, I don't know what it's like. Yet I did the best I could. So if I didn't do it correctly, forgive me ahead of time. I don't think they make speeches at the funerals either, but every funeral I've been to, they have. So. . .
Disclaimer: I don't own The Suite Life of Zack & Cody.
Chapter Ten
The Last Words You Said
Tears rolled down Maddie's pale cheeks. The tears caught some of the rays of the moon and it glittered like a shooting star. Maddie moaned softly and her hand started to move from the corner of the bed, trying to recall how to move them. Fingers curled back and forth, gripping onto the blanket of the bed.
"Yes. . .yes! You can do it, Maddie!" cried Esteban. "Please wake up, for my sake. Please, my dear amigo."
She slowly sat up. She stared at Esteban. As if trying to recall who he was. Who where those eyes who looked like they cared? Who was he?
"Hello," she said.
Esteban blinked a couple of times in disbelief. He rubbed them hard and moved them away from his eyes, but to see Maddie still staring at him. His dark eyes were confused and overwhelmed.
"M-maddie?" Esteban stared straight into her eyes, his heart beating too fast. "Maddie. . .y-you're alive?"
"Of course I am, silly. How else will I be?" Something about her voice was strange. Almost more high pitched then it use to be.
"Oh Maddie," said Esteban, suddenly wanting to cry again. "I am so sorry."
"Don't be," said Maddie.
Esteban jumped onto the bed and wrapped his arms around her. He pulled her to him, letting her head rest against his chest. He held her with his eyes closed and never wanted to let go of her. Anna wrapped her arms around him and let him hold her. Making her feel more alive then ever. A tear slid down her cheek and a soft smile crossed her face.
"You're alive. . ." Esteban whispered in her ear.
When he realized what he was doing, he quickly let go of her embaressed.
"It's alright," said Maddie, laying back down. "I have a message for you."
A message?
"What is it?" asked Esteban.
"Love me now and forever. For I was never loved before."
Esteban gave her a confused look.
"What do you mean, Maddie?"
Maddie said nothing but her eyes closed and her breath became ragged. Esteban gasped. She was dying!
"Maddie, no Maddie, please," Esteban begged. "Don't leave me like this. I love you, Maddie. Please. . ."
Maddie gave him a brief smile a squeezed his hand.
"Love me now. . .and forever. For I. . ." She became very still and Esteban knew he had lost her.
"Maddie no. . ." he cried. "Please, Maddie. . ."
"I'm afraid she's gone," said Nurse Jensen, walking in. "I am so sorry, Mr. Ramirez."
Not as sorry as Xavier will be when I find him, thought Esteban.
Maddie&Esteban
I can't believe she's gone, thought Esteban, as he the elevator doors opened. Mr. Moseby had insisted even though Esteban had felt like his whole world was gone, that he should still work. Maybe it would help him take his mind off of things.
But it didn't.
Maddie&Esteban
Esteban sighed as he flipped through the channels on his TV set. Usually on Friday he would go rent a movie. He had always wanted to spend that special night with Maddie, but now she was gone and he would never get the chance. He recalled Maddie telling him soon after they had met that she hated horror movies. He had thought about watching one with her so she would get scared to death and would cling to him for safety. Now. . .now he would never get that.
Esteban looked around his small, dirty apartment. It certainly could use a woman's touch. Maddie would have been the perfect person for the job.
Esteban sighed and turned off the TV. He didn't feel like himself anymore and everyone who saw him knew it. That usual uplifting spark of enthusiasm in his dark eyes had quickly disappeared. They seemed dull and no longer had life in them. His confident steps had now transformed into a woeful drag of his feet. It was like walking was pointless when Esteban felt as if he couldn't go on any longer without Maddie. He never smiled anymore. Not even a little. Everyday seemed to drag on and on in one big blur, like nothing really mattered and Esteban had lost every reason to live.
He was dead without Maddie.
A knock at the door brought Esteban out of his thoughts and he went to go anwser it.
"Hey Esteban," said Zack, as he stepped inside the apartment. "What did you need?"
"I was hoping you could take away the pain," he said sadly.
"Still feelin' bad, huh?" asked Zack.
Esteban nodded.
"It wasn't your fault. At least that's what you told me."
"Si. It was Xavier who shot out our tires. I swear if I ever see him again—" Esteban's eyes flashed as he spoke. "I'll kill him. He took away my Maddie and I will never see her again. I never even got to kiss her."
"Well dude, you have to believe she's in a better place," said Zack. "Maddie will always be in your heart, even though she's not physically next to you."
Esteban smiled.
"That is true," he said.
Memories shattered Esteban's heart instead of warmed it because he knew that no matter what, he would never be able to see Maddie's smile again. He would never be able to feel her lips, her love, ever again. Esteban wanted so badly to know what he had done wrong to deserve this pain. He wished he had told Maddie from the very beginning how he felt about her. Then maybe all this wouldn't have happened.
But no.
He had lost his true love.
He had lost his best friend.
Therefore. . .
He had lost himself along the way.
Esteban couldn't understand how everyone else at the Tipton could go by each day like Maddie had never existed. Didn't they miss her? She was their friend, a fellow employee. Maybe they didn't miss Maddie as much because. . .
He was in love with her.
"You know," said Zack, interrupting Esteban's thoughts, "I had gotten this for Maddie. I wanted you to give it to her so she would love you again." He pulled out a small velvet blue box from his pocket and put it into Esteban's hand.
Esteban gasped as he opened the box. Within it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. It was so simple, yet beautiful all the same. It was a silver heart shaped locket on a thin chain. The heart was surrounded by sapphires, Maddie's favorite gem stone.
"Where did you get this, Zack?" Esteban asked.
"London gave it to me because she was going to throw it out," he said.
"It's beautiful," said Esteban, lifting the necklace out of the box. "Maddie would have loved it."
"I know she would," said Zack.
Maddie&Esteban
The day following was the worst one Esteban had ever known. It was the day of Maddie's visitation and funeral.
Esteban laid helplessly on his bed staring at the ceiling. He wanted to know why Maddie had been taken away from him. Of the two of them, why her? Would couldn't he have been the one that had died? In some since he had died, although not psychically. The light of his world was gone and he had no reason for living. Life would never be the same again.
No matter how hard he tried, Maddie's face stayed in his mind. Esteban loved her so much. Ever since they had sung the beautiful duet, All I Ask of You. Esteban looked glum. He had never even been able to tell her why she was the music in him.
Esteban's shoulders sagged as he got ready to go to the church. He would be making a speech about Maddie and he would dedicate a song to her.
He was thankful that Mr. Moseby and Maddie's family had helped plan the funeral. Esteban didn't think he would be able to manage on his own.
Maddie&Esteban
The church bells of St. Mary's tolled mournfully. Streams of people filled in, many of whom Esteban didn't know.
"I don't know if I can do this," he whispered to Zack, as he took a set near the front.
"You can do it," said Zack. "Just be brave, for Maddie's sake."
Esteban nodded and walked inside.
Many people were crowded around Maddie's coffin paying their final respects. Esteban came up behind them and peered at the brushed storm blue finish coffin. Maddie's blonde hair was spread across the white satin pillow as her hands rested across her chest. Esteban gently touched the soft blue crepe interior. Several of the people said prayers for Maddie's soul.
As the last of the people paid respects, the priest, dressed in a black cope sprinkled Maddie's coffin with Holy Water and intoning the De Profundis (Psalm 129) and the Miserere (Psalm 50).
"I ask that eternal rest be given to the dearly departed and that God will deliver her soul from the torments of Hell." Solemnly, he walked up to the podium.
"My dear friends," the priest began, "The death of a loved one is always a terrible thing to endure; it can take you by surprise and send you in to a whirlwind of grief and emotion. It is on the gloomy afternoon we have come to pay our respects to a young lady who has departed from this world and into the next. So it is here we say goodbye, Madeline. We'll miss you. You've been such an inspiration to those around you."
Sniffles.
"The Epistle I will be a reading from is I Thessalonians 4:13-18, in which St. Paul speaks of death." He turned in his large Bible to I Thessalonians. "But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him. For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore comfort one another with these words." The priest then said a prayer that every sin that Maddie had ever committed was intoned for. Then he began to recite the Dies Irae.
"That day of wrath, that dreadful day,
shall heaven and earth in ashes lay,
as David and the Sybil say.
What horror must invade the mind
when the approaching Judge shall find
and sift the deeds of all mankind!
The mighty trumpet's wondrous tone
shall rend each tomb's sepulchral stone
and summon all before the Throne.
Now death and nature with surprise
behold the trembling sinners rise
to meet the Judge's searching eyes.
Then shall with universal dread
the Book of Consciences be read
to judge the lives of all the dead.
For now before the Judge severe
all hidden things must plain appear;
no crime can pass unpunished here.
O what shall I, so guilty plead?
and who for me will intercede?
when even Saints shall comfort need?
O King of dreadful majesty!
grace and mercy You grant free;
as Fount of Kindness, save me!
Recall, dear Jesus, for my sake
you did our suffering nature take
then do not now my soul forsake!
In weariness You sought for me,
and suffering upon the tree!
let not in vain such labor be.
O Judge of justice, hear, I pray,
for pity take my sins away
before the dreadful reckoning day.
You gracious face, O Lord, I seek;
deep shame and grief are on my cheek;
in sighs and tears my sorrows speak.
You Who did Mary's guilt unbind,
and mercy for the robber find,
have filled with hope my anxious mind.
How worthless are my prayers I know,
yet, Lord forbid that I should go
into the fires of endless woe.
Divorced from the accursed band,
O make me with Your sheep to stand,
as child of grace, at Your right Hand.
When the doomed can no more flee
from the fires of misery
with the chosen call me.
Before You, humbled, Lord, I lie,
my heart like ashes, crushed and dry,
assist me when I die.
Full of tears and full of dread
is that day that wakes the dead,
calling all, with solemn blast
to be judged for all their past.
Lord, have mercy, Jesus blest,
grant them all Your Light and Rest. Amen."
Following the reciting, the priest read from John 11:21-27, the story of St. Martha's profession of faith that her brother, Lazarus, will rise again. Then he made an offertory prayer asks Jesus Christ, King of Glory, to deliver the soul of the Madeline Fitzpatrick from Hell, and for St. Michael to lead Maddie into the holy Light. Then he asked that God would take pity on her soul and asked that eternal light shine on he.
Afterwards, the priest, stood at the end of the coffin and granted Maddie absolution. The church then sang the Responsory, followed by the chanting of the Libera Me, A Kyrie.
"Libera me, Domine, de morte æterna, in die illa tremenda, quando coeli movendi sunt et terra, dum veneris iudicare sæculum per ignem. Tremens factus sum ego et timeo, dum discussio venerit atque ventura ira. Dies illa, dies iræ, calamitatis, et miseriæ, dies magna et amara valde. Requiem æternam dona eis, Domine, et lux perpetua luceat eis."
Translation: "Deliver me, O Lord, from eternal death on that fearful day, when the heavens and the earth are moved, when you will come to judge the world with fire. I am made to tremble and I fear, because of the judgment that will come, and also the coming wrath. That day, day of wrath, calamity, and misery, day of great and exceeding bitterness. Grant them eternal rest, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them."
As the church recited the "Pater" (Lord's Prayer), the priest passed around Maddie's body twice, sprinkling it with holy water and incensing it. He then said a prayer asking that the holy angels would bear Maddie to paradise.
When he was finished, the priest walked back to the podium.
"I know this is not what we usually do for a funeral service," he said, "But Mr. Ramirez, is going to sing us a song."
Esteban walked to the front as a beautiful melody began to play.
"Somewhere in time I know,
Darling you'll come back to me.
Roses will bloom again,
But Spring feels like eternity.
In your kiss it wasn't goodbye.
You are still the reason why.
I can hear you whispering in the silence of my room,
My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon.
I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly.
'Love me now forever,'
Were the last words you said to me.
And when the morning comes,
My hands still reach out for you.
Some things remain the same,
There is nothing I can do.
I can barely get through the day
Ever since you went away.
I can hear you whispering in the silence of my room,
My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon.
I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly.
'Love me now forever,'
Were your last words to me. . .
Heaven help us cross this endless sea
With starlight above to guide you to me.
Waves crashing on distant shores,
They're calling our names forever more.
And I still hear you whispering in the silence of my room,
My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon.
I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly.
'Love me now forever,'
Were the last words you said to me."
As the last of the notes died away, the priest informed the church that Esteban would make a speech.
"Madeline, or Maddie, as she like to be called, lived an amazing life even though it was rather short. Maddie was a great friend; she was the kind of friend that would stand by you when you need somebody to be there. There was something about her that would captivate you. Even when she was sad, she would wear a smile and did everything over the top. What made Maddie so different was that she sometimes fell apart and she did not care who saw it, she did things her way and in the end you have to admire her because that takes guts and courage. When I met Maddie, I didn't know how I would react. Maddie turned out to be a really nice person and she ended up being a good friend of mine. I must say, I was happy that I met Maddie.
What is it that we remember when we think of Maddie? I think everyone who knows her very well would agree with me on this. It was her kindness and compassion for others. That is what I will truly miss about Maddie. She was always kind to me, no matter what. She also knew how to cheer me up when I had a bad day. That's the trademark of Maddie. She always wanted to make people happy.
Maddie's death will always remain in my memory. Because I held her hand as she was taken from this world and into the next. I couldn't believe my eyes when I watched her die. Maddie was too young but as it slowly occurred to me I have realized that Maddie had indeed lived her life wonderfully. Maddie was well-loved and she had done so many things on earth and I'm sure she'll do much more in heaven. I will forever be grateful to have known Maddie. I will forever be grateful that she was there at the always there to help me and be a friend. I will forever be grateful for spending the last year of my life with a friend like her. All the memories I have shared with her will forever be cherished and remembered. Maddie will forever live in my heart. . .In our hearts.
Maddie is in heaven now and we are here on her funeral. This is not the time for us to grieve her death but it's our time to celebrate her life. Don't ever forget Maddie Fitzpatrick. She never wanted to see people cry. She wanted to make everyone happy. So at this moment when we are about to lay her body to rest, let's all think back and remember how Maddie touched our lives. How she made us laugh and how good Maddie was as a person. This is not the moment for us to shed our tears but we should all be thankful that we were given the chance to have known a girl named Maddie.
Maddie will forever be missed but I know in the right time, I will meet Maddie again. We will all meet Maddie again and she'll make us laugh in tears again when we all get to Heaven."
Many people in the congregation by now were crying.
"I would like to share a poem with you," said Esteban. "It's called, 'Because I Could Not Stop For Death,' by Emily Dickinson."
"Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.
We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labour, and my leisure too,
For his civility.
We passed the school where children played,
Their lessons scarcely done;
We passed the fields of gazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.
We paused before a house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.
Since then 'tis centuries; but each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity."
One by one, Maddie's friends and family came up to deliver their speeches. Everyone had something nice to say about her. Even London.
"Thank you, Miss Tipton," said the priest, once again taking the podium. As Maddie's body was carried out of church, the people sung the antiphon, "In Paradisum."
"May the angels lead you into paradise: may the martyrs receive you at your coming, and lead you into the holy city, Jerusalem. May the choir of angels receive you, and with Lazarus, who once was poor, may you have everlasting rest."
Following the Requiem Mass, Esteban went to the cemetery behind the church. The priest stood over the hole in the ground where Maddie's coffin would be put and blessed it. He sprinkled the grave and Maddie with holy water and incense.
"Deus, cujus miseratióne ánimæ fidélium requiéscunt, hunc túmulum benedícere dignáre, eíque Angelum tuum sanctum députa custódem: et quorum quarúmque córpora hic sepeliúntur, ánimas eórum ab ómnibus absólve vínculis delictórum; ut in te semper cum Sanctis tuis sine fine læténtur. Per Christum Dóminum nostrum. Amen."
Translation: "O God, by Your mercy rest is given to the souls of the faithful, be please to bless this grave. Appoint Your holy angels to guard it and set free from all the chains of sin and the soul of her whose body is buried here, so that with all Thy saints she may rejoice in Thee for ever. Through Christ our Lord. Amen."
After the priest then intoned the Canticle of Luke 1:68-79, the Antiphon John 11:25-26 was read. While the priest prayed silently and sprinkled Maddie's body again, a short Kyrie was said.
"I ask You know that Madeline Fitzpatrick's soul rest in peace and You would take mercy on her." He made the sign of the cross over her body and said,
Réquiem æternam dona ei,
Dómine.
Et lux perpétua lúceat ei.
Requiéscat in pace.
Amen.
Anima ejus, et ánimæ ómnium fidélium defunctórum, per misericórdiam Dei requiéscant in pace.
Amen.
Translation: Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord.
And let perpetual light shine upon her.
May she rest in peace.
Amen.
May her soul, and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God rest in peace.
Amen
As the mourners made their ways back to their cars, Esteban walked among the tombstones with a heavy heart. She was gone. Gone forever. Never to walk the face of the earth again. He rubbed his hands together for warmth.
Icy wind whipped Esteban's dark hair around his face, tearing at his black coat. Oak leaves swirled among the rows of granite headstones, and the trees lashed their branches together in frenzy. Esteban's hands were cold, his lips and face were numb, but he stood facing the screaming wind directly, shouting into it. "Maddie! Maddie, come back! Please." He sank to his knees before her gravestone. "Please come back to me."
An oak leaf skittered up to his foot, but there was no answer. Above, the sky was gray as glass, gray as the tombstones that surrounded him. Reed felt rage and frustration sting his throat and his heart sank. He was wrong. Maddie would never come back. She was dead. Dead and gone. And he was here alone screaming into the wind.
Esteban traced the letter and the engraving of the rose on Maddie tombstone.
"Mi amor," he whispered. "My Angel. Somehow I know your in a better place now. How can you not be? After all, the priest said all those prayers for you. Maddie, this world was never meant for someone as pure and beautiful as you."
So, how did I do? Was it terrible? All the translations are in Latin. Don't worry, the story is not over yet!
The song, "The Last Words You Said" is by Sarah Brightman.
Dies Irae— Written by an anonymous 13th c. Franciscan. (Possibly Thomas of Celana, d. ca. A.D. 1255, biographer of St. Francis), the Dies Irae is prayed during Masses for the Dead and on All Souls Day.