Drake took one look at the carnage before him, and got the largest boner he had ever had in his life. Even Seras was impressed, while Anko was shouting out pointers to the one causing the destruction.
"Are we sure she's not a red head, because quite honestly this level of violence is something I'd expect from one," asked Drake.
"Either that or your cousin Richard," muttered Seras.
Anko paused, before asking "Who's cousin Richard?"
"An undead warlock bent on destroying every living thing, preferably by setting it on fire. He's also notorious for eating small infants, starting wars out of boredom and generally having a bigger disregard for life than I do."
"He's also mayor of a small village that's lovely in the springtime. We try to make a visit there at least once a decade," added Seras.
Anko wasn't the only one staring. Naruko had paused in her maiming of the idiot stupid enough to comment on the fact her breasts had yet to start growing and said she had a fat ass to compensate to stare at Drake as well.
"...If he's an undead warlock why do you call him your cousin?" Naruko asked finally.
"Because generally when we team up we leave a swath of slaughter in our wake and tend to compete for best kill, the most bloody and most creative. Since we're both unkillable by almost any means, we've decided to simply claim each other as our favorite cousin if only to see the look on people's faces when we talk about the other. And before you give me any weird looks, I'm not the one who has the battle cry of 'For Pony!', nor have I ever been chibified by an imp that was once my pet," deadpanned Drake.
"I still don't know how in heaven you managed to convince me to make him Integra's godfather," said Seras, pinching her nose.
"It was either that or hear him bitch for centuries about the damage she would have done to his lower intestinal tract while ripping her way out of his stomach," came Drake's immediate response.
Naruko considered this, before he next question made Drake even more happy to have chosen her for a master than he would have thought possible. Well that and he would have to drag the only two adults for a few hours at how happy it made him.
"...Do you think he would enjoy an apprentice? More specifically one who already has a lot of brother issues and is currently desperate for any teacher he can find?"
Drake's evil laughter was loud enough to be heard all the way back to Konoha, and it sent a shiver of DOOM! down the Hokage's spine. It also managed to make it to said undead warlock...who had the distinct feeling his boredom was about to go away very shortly.
Naruko's victim groaned.
It was the first and possibly only time he regretted having a kekkei genkai that allowed him to reform so long as he had enough water nearby...and Naruko had been maiming the poor little Mist genin on top of a lake so his suffering could be prolonged as long as possible.
Suigetsu should have kept his fat mouth shut about Naruko's assets while she was on her period. There was only pain in his future now. And the worst part was his teammate and the woman who lead the Kiri rebellion for the kekkei genkai users had absolutely no sympathy for him.
Particularly when Anko explained that not only was Naruko a main-line Uzumaki...she was the clan heiress and had recently hit puberty.
Ergo, he had commented on her ass and breasts at the worst possible time.
Anko had gleefully taken pictures of Drake's horrified expression once he realized the level of carnage his 'Master' was able (and far too willing) to unleash if someone were stupid enough to make such comments during that time of the month.
"Still...this level of violence...talk about a turn on," said Drake, drooling. It was hard to believe Naruko was a natural blond.
"The irony was that while she might have inherited her father's looks, she got almost all of her mother's personality," said Anko.
"Was her mother a red head?" asked Drake intently.
"Anyone stupid to call her a tomato usually ended up a bloody pile on the floor, and they used to call her the Bloody Red Habenaro. You know what they say about Uzumaki women, especially main-line Uzumaki right?" said Anko.
"What?" asked Seras.
"That the maelstroms that used to plague Uzushiogakure had nothing compared to the wrath of a main line Uzumaki woman on her period. Especially if you had done something to incur their wrath. Hell, not even that pervert Jiraiya was stupid enough to peep on Kushina while she was bathing during that time of the month! He would have been left a bloody smear on the ground while his pieces would have been scattered so far apart it would take forever to find them!" said Anko.
Drake nodded to himself. He then turned to Seras.
"Would you be offended if I suggested we bring Naruko into our family as a second wife?"
"Considering how well she fits into our group, not really," said Seras.
She was well aware Dracula had, at one point, had three wives at the same time. So long as she could get along with them or liked them, she didn't mind bringing others in.
Alucard really was too much for one woman to handle, and if she had a few sister-wives they could help keep his bad habits in line.
"You do realize that most kitsune have a thousand year life span at least, especially the more tails they have right?" said Anko.
Drake perked up.
"And that's not including how long some hanyou live..." said Anko.
The only reason she said anything was because it was well known most kitsune were perverts capable of shape-shifting.
"Let's not forget your other cousin, Zelretch," piped Seras.
Alucard found Zelretch (especially his 'grandson') hilarious. Though whenever he saw either Zelretch or his grandson Black Wing, they usually had a competition over 'most blood vessels popped through trolling' rather than kills.
Mei looked at the bloody-handed Naruko and the overly amused Drake...then at the satisfied expressions on Anko and Seras' faces.
"So...the Leaf is here to poach our kekkei genkai users."
"Well we could be persuaded to help you get the hat, provided you make a treaty with us the moment it's official. And on an unrelated note, I'm sorry for almost permanently maiming that idiot who can turn into water," said Naruko offhandedly.
"You said your name as Uzumaki right?" asked Mei.
"She's a main line Uzumaki who just hit puberty, and the idiot made a comment about how her ass must make up for her small breast size," said Anko.
"Then it perfectly falls under the old laws, and he'll have to pay for medical help on his own," said Mei.
Drake and Seras blinked.
"There's a law about pissing off a female Uzumaki?"
Mei brought out a rule book.
"Page four, section thirteen. Uzumaki standard procedures."
Drake opened the page, and Seras stared.
"Anyone stupid enough to incur the wrath of an Uzumaki female, particularly the main line, shall be made to pay for their own medical bills."
"By any chance have you come into contact with a woman by the name of Integra Uzumaki?" asked Naruko, grinning evilly.
"Why do you think we put that in the books? Between her and the actual Uzumaki, there's been plenty of bloodshed...and not because of a certain vampire visiting our blood supply," said Mei deadpan.
Drake began laughing, quite evilly at that.
"Right, Mei, meet Integra's father and mother respectively," said Naruko, pointing at Drake and Seras.
"I can see it, but why do you look like genin?"
"Easiest way to fly under the radar in Konoha. If the old man knew Drake and I weren't just a pair of kekkei genkai holders, he might feel duty bound to seal us up again, and it took a decade before the hunger got so bad my body actually shut down," shuddered Seras.
Mei grinned. So basically the only one who didn't know what these two were was the Konoha. For one of the Big Five they were surprisingly out of the loop.
"Coincidentally, Integra said she would be making the rounds to gather the Uzumaki again. Worst comes to worse, we rebuild Uzushio," said Naruko shrugging.
"If you have to rebuild the old village, count Mist in as one of your allies. Konoha's been getting uppity these days, and their recent image as a bunch of damn tree huggers isn't helping," said Mei.
"Don't I know it! Do you know how hard it is to get a guy who won't curl up in a fetal position crying his eyes out whenever I get my hands on 'em? Bunch of damn pansies these days I swear!"
"Is that why you've been visiting Kurenai so regularly Anko-chan?" said Drake impishly.
"If all else fails, jump a fellow member of the double X brigade," said Anko.
Mei nodded in complete agreement.
"What about the idiot who insulted Naruko earlier?" asked Drake.
"He's going to get little sympathy from us for pissing off an Uzumaki woman on her period. It may have fallen but you tend to remember angry red heads holding you by the ankle over a pit of alligators with double rows of teeth that they genetically bred specifically to eat people who get on their bad side."
Drake raised an eyebrow.
"'Genetically bred alligators'?" he repeated.
"They're seal masters, and considering how labor intensive seals are, they get bored after a while. So they delved into cross-breeding animals. Needless to say it upped their danger level quite a bit for the rest of us and forced the old leaders to put in laws about pissing off the females during that time of the month. In short, don't piss off the red head who can sick abominations of nature on you when she's on her period, and if you do, you'll get jack in terms of sympathy."
"I'm starting to see why Integra chose to be adopted into the clan," said Seras sweatdropping.
"Hah! Knowing her she probably started it!" said Drake.
Nagato had thought he had faced everything he would ever need to face in terms of danger.
That was before a woman (who could pass for a teenager) waltzed right in to where his true body was and gave him a stare down.
"The Rinnegan. Haven't seen that in a while. You must be the first wielder since that idiot Mamoru accidentally awakened it. You've certainly mastered it better than anyone save Riku did," she said appreciatively, before she said "Though you've certainly overused it."
"Who are you?" demanded Nagato.
"Integra Dracule-Uzumaki. I'm here to inform you that the Uzumaki clan head is recalling the clan."
"Who is the clan head, and why should I care?"
"I have a better question. Why are you overusing that eye and hiding behind corpses?" asked Integra, raising an eyebrow.
"Do you know Madara Uchiha?"
Integra twitched.
"That damn monkey eye is still alive?"
Nagato nodded.
"Father will be pleased. He's been wanting words with that bastard since he helped in sealing mother up while she was still awake and fully powered."
"Who is this father of yours and why should I care?" asked Nagato.
"Are you aware of the monster that was sealed inside Konoha before the Hidden Villages were formed?"
"I've heard rumors that there was a secret only the Hokage and his successors could know about."
"My father is that monster, though the story was altered. In truth he got drunk off his ass and went on a rampage, so they sealed him up once he fell asleep. Unfortunately for them, they also decided to seal my mother while she was still very much alive and aware. It took her decades to fall into hibernation. Needless to say he fully intends to go old school on Madara."
"...How much would it cost to get your 'father' to go old school on Danzo?"
"Danzo as in the war hawk in Konoha, Danzo?"
"He got a good friend of mine killed. I want him to pay," said Nagato.
"I'm sure something could be arranged. You're part of this Akatsuki group targeting Jinchuriki right?" said Integra.
"I am. I lead them."
"When you find Madara, do me a favor and be sure to deliver him and anyone you consider disposable. In return we'll deliver Danzo... do you want him maimed or barely alive?"
"Maimed, please," said Nagato, almost jokingly.
"We'll deliver a maimed bastard in no position to defend himself to you in exchange for Madara. Fair?"
Nagato held out their hand and they shook on it.
The next time Integra went to Konoha, she and her father would be ridding the world of Danzo. He had somehow managed to avoid capture over the Root mess, but he wouldn't survive a second time.
She still didn't know how the hell he managed to pin the blame on the other two advisers.