I don't own Glee.
Kurt tried to catch his breath as he raised his shaky hand, grasped the cool handle, and turned it. It was kind of ironic that once Blaine stopped his pounding and pleading for Kurt to open his door, Kurt finally came out. The younger boy couldn't shake the feeling of dread towards what he had just done in that room he was finally emerging from.
While the boyfriend that had done nothing but try and help Kurt shouted for him to come out, Kurt had done the exact thing that he had told Blaine he wouldn't do. He had lied to Blaine once again, which it seemed like he had been doing a lot lately. They used to be able to be completely honest with each other and it seemed like Kurt was ruining that aspect just like he did everything else.
But it's not like he could just stop because Blaine had asked him to. It didn't work like that and he had ended up on the floor, his hand down his throat, and tears streaming down his face. Now that the task of getting rid of the food that he had eaten was done, all he wanted to do was apologize to the older boy and hope with all his heart that Blaine wouldn't be done with him.
He pushed the door open slowly, partly afraid of the scene that he was about to be met with. He didn't even know if Blaine was still in his room or if he had had enough of Kurt, got tired with trying to coax him out of the bathroom, and left in search of something better to do with his time. And truth be told, anything would be better than dealing with the chaos that was Kurt and his life.
Blaine didn't need that, nobody did.
Just the night before, when Blaine had told him that he loved him and tried to convince him that he was perfect, something that Kurt didn't think he would ever believe, he had been a little wary to let himself hope that something this good in his life could last. He had tried with all his might not to allow himself to believe that this was real, but if he was being completely and utterly honest, in the end he had let the smallest bit of hope in and hope was a very dangerous thing.
Now it could possibly be all over. It didn't even last a full day and Kurt had already screwed it up with his psycho ways.
Apparently he was wrong though, because when the door opened all the way to reveal the room in its entirety, Blaine was on the bed with his head in his hands. Kurt had never seen his posture so terrible and his shoulders so slumped. He looked defeated and worn out.
I did this to him. I made him like this because I sucked him into my problems and life.
"Blaine?" Kurt asked, his voice unbelievably small while making no movement towards the stressed out boy on his bed. He was kind of scared to know what Blaine was thinking about right now, but the anxiety was killing him. His fingers twiddled idly at his waist and his eyes searched the other boys face in an attempt to read his emotion which was definitely something to do with anger.
Blaine ran a shaky hand through his hair and took a deep shuddering breath. "Please, just give me a minute." The fear that Kurt had felt before had intensified with those words. Kurt took a tentative step towards the boy and measured his reaction if any.
Kurt sat down, leaving at least two feet between him and Blaine and waited for Blaine to break up with him or yell at him. Actually, truth be told, Kurt kind of wanted Blaine to yell at him. The older boy deserved to yell at him; Kurt wanted to yell at himself.
"I don't even know what to say." His voice suspiciously sounded like it was thick with tears. "I mean… I asked you… Kurt." He broke off his sentence with a hard sigh.
Kurt took the opportunity to scoot a couple of inches closer to where Blaine resided on the bed. "Just lay it all out, you know. I know you want to yell, I mean who wouldn't?"
Blaine gave a wet little scoff. "I want to yell, but I don't want to yell at you."
"Then yell." Kurt urged.
Blaine shook his head. "No. Yelling is useless now. You already… god. You already did it, Kurt." He sputtered while Kurt pulled up his knees onto the bed and wrapped his arms around his legs, resting his chin atop of his knee. "Why didn't you listen? Why… I don't understand why you wouldn't just open that stupid door." He sniffed and looked down.
What Blaine felt was an overwhelming amount of sorrow and anger. He had sat by, useless while the man he loved did something like that to himself. Kurt felt like he had to do that to himself. Beautiful, sweet, talented Kurt hurt himself while Blaine stood right outside the door and wasn't able to do anything about it.
"You know, I've never really got the whole punching walls thing until now. Now I want to punch something- anything and a wall seems like a pretty good choice right about now." He informed him and it was true. The anger at himself and Kurt's actions-but not at Kurt himself- was absolutely overpowering and shocking.
Pounding on the door, Blaine had wanted nothing more than to break down the door and hold Kurt. He wanted, no he needed to make him understand how perfect he was and that he never ever needed to do that to himself. Unfortunately for Blaine, not only would the school punish him severely for damaging school property, but his small stature would probably limit him in his tries to actually breaking it.
In the end, Blaine had slumped lifelessly against the door, tears blurring his vision as he heard the heaving coming from the other side of the door. Everything in his sight centered on that damn doorknob, the thing he wanted desperately to open. Knowing that he couldn't do anything was a heartbreaking fact and his throat thickened as he staggered over to the bed and collapsed onto it.
What was he supposed to say? How would anything he said take anything back? How could he possibly help?
"I'm sorry, Blaine. I shouldn't have done that." Kurt admitted in a quiet voice. "At least, not while you were just outside the door."
"Of course you shouldn't have, Kurt! You should have opened the door or let me in! You shouldn't have... you shouldn't have thrown up your food." And as much as Kurt had wanted Blaine to get his feelings out, it didn't mean it hurt any less. "You should have talked to me and let me take you home and get help."
Kurt simply nodded.
"Why don't you believe me when I tell you that you are perfect? Why would you do something like this?" Blaine's eyes were wet with unshed tears and he swallowed hard before he continued. "You are amazing and beautiful and I don't know how to help you. I don't know what I can do to make you understand."
"You don't have to do that." Kurt told him sternly in a soft voice. "Please, don't do that." Kurt's perfectly sculpted brows were furrowed in an unreadable expression. He looked somewhat like a cross between disbelief and sadness.
"Do what?" Blaine questioned, looking up into Kurt's wide and sad eyes.
"Tell me I'm all these great things. If what I just did was any kind of sign, I'm nothing close to what you make me out to be. Frankly, I'm surprised you aren't yelling at me or dumping me." Kurt tried to pass off a light and nonchalant chuckle, but it come out more like a strangled scoff.
"Grab your coat." Blaine told him sternly, grabbing his arm and pulling him up into a standing position. "Come on, we're leaving."
"What? Where are we going?" To say that Kurt was confused was an understatement as the boy barely grabbed his coat before he was pulled out of the room.
"We are going to Lima to go see your father and your step mother." And then Kurt started struggling to get out of Blaine's gentle yet strong and firm grip on his arm.
"No! Blaine, seriously, let me go!" Both boys ignored the weird stares they received from the scene they were causing, being too wrapped up in the situation they were currently in. "I swear to everything that is holy, if you don't let me go I will start screaming and trust me, I will hit a high F." Kurt made a big show of sucking in a mouthful of air to prepare himself for his shriek that he planned to unleash. Needless to say, Blaine dropped his arm, but stood in front of him to make sure that he couldn't get anywhere.
"You need help and I know that I said I wouldn't bring you, but I don't know what to do anymore and it's breaking my heart to see you like this. Kurt, you won't listen to me or believe me no matter how many times that I tell you that you are perfect in every way. This… this is really serious and I need you to get healthy again. I need you to be okay, but that won't happen if you don't get help for this." By the time he was done with his speech, he had a small tear traveling down his cheek. Kurt's heart broke at Blaine's sad and genuine tone filled and cracking with raw emotion.
And that was the breaking point.
He loved Blaine with all of his heart and he was doing this to him, but he had a chance to stop and make Blaine happy and that was worth more than anything. The painful tugging of his heart that Blaine's crumpled expression was causing was something that made Kurt want to stop.
There was still that small voice in the back of his head reminding him that just because he wanted to stop and get better did not mean that he could actually just stop. In all honestly, Kurt still didn't want to give up the power rush that accompanied him when he purged or the thrill he got when he stepped on the scale and read the numbers informing him of the weight he had lost. He really did not want to start eating again and gain back the weight that he had worked so hard to lose.
It was ridiculous to think that everything was going to be okay because they wanted it to be, but Kurt was going to at least try; he owed that much to Blaine. Again, he was going to lose Blaine either way. Being the fact that Blaine got tired of dealing with Kurt's stress that accompanied him staying skinny or he left him when he stopped and gained back the weight. So it didn't matter if he tried to stop, did it?
Blaine had been the main objective of this whole mess and now he had him. Kurt finally had Blaine and he was telling Kurt that he still loved him and he wanted him to get better. Now, a large part of Kurt still figured that Blaine wasn't actually being legitimate about his feelings and views on his body, but if there was the slightest chance that he could keep him even after all of this, Kurt was going to jump on it.
Kurt wasn't saying that he was going to be able to stop or he was going to be fine with his body, he wasn't. He still thought of himself as something overweight and disgusting and didn't think he would ever believe otherwise. It was going to be miserable, he was going to be miserable, but he wanted to do this.
Kurt Hummel was a fierce bitch and he could do this.
His head nodded rapidly and a small, unsure, tight smile grew unsteadily on his lips. "Okay." He said simply.
It's funny how one word could mean so much. Blaine's face went through so many emotions that Kurt only caught a few, those being confusion, shock, and finally pure happiness. "Are you serious?" He asked wearily, trying not to get his hopes up.
"As serious as I could be." Kurt told him, his voice wavering in the slightest. He had that nagging voice in the back of his head that he wasn't going to be able to stop and end up failing Blaine, but he pushed it away for the moment.
Blaine was the happiest that Kurt had seen him in a while as he pulled Kurt to his chest in a tight embrace, burying his face in his neck and letting out a joyful laugh. "Kurt, this is great."
Kurt nodded and kept his breathing steady. It always seemed like their hugs were to short, Kurt noted as Blaine pulled apart slowly and grabbed his hand in a tight hold. "Come on, let's go to Lima."
Although Kurt had recently and unsurely decided to try and get help, going to his parents was something he was dreading; he would be crazy if he said he was completely fine with it. Blaine guided him down the hallway and down to the parking lot as Kurt became lost in his thoughts.
How was he possibly supposed to tell his parents that he had a problem like this?The looks he knew that were going to cross their faces before being covered up with a blank expression were going to hurt, not to mention what they would probably be thinking. His dad's heart was a key factor in this situation too. The high school junior was terrified to think of what it might do to his heart or what he might think of Kurt.
By the time he was snapped out of his thoughts, they had gotten into Blaine's car. "Kurt, are you okay?"
He turned his head to face Blaine and plastered on a fake smile. "Yeah, just thinking." He admitted in a measured tone.
"About what?" Blaine asked, not trying to pry for information or anything, just curious as to what was going on in his head. The older boy knew something big must have been working its way through Kurt's mind with the expression on his face.
It was a moment before Kurt replied. "I just… I'm scared, Blaine." He hadn't meant for his voice to come out as quiet as it had, but he found himself not really caring.
"Why are you scared?" Blaine asked in a quiet and caring tone, looking to Kurt briefly with furrowed brows and thinly veiled concern.
He took a deep breath before responding. "I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop." Kurt told him truthfully. "I know I said I'd try and stop, but it's not a hobby that I can just drop whenever I get tired of it." The weight on his chest loosened with each confession he made to his boyfriend. He would have smiled at the fact that he could be completely honest with him if it wasn't for the fact that smiling during this conversation would be somewhat inappropriate.
Blaine let out a small sigh. "I know, well I don't know, but I believe you and I'm trying to understand. I didn't expect it to be easy, but it will be okay. I promise." He finished with an air of certainty that Kurt wished he had.
"But you don't know that. What if I can't stop or I slip up? I don't expect you to wait around forever while I try and fix myself."
"Alright, first of all, I believe in you and I know that you can do whatever you put your mind to. And second, I'm not going anywhere. I'll be there to help you every step of the way." His voice was stern and reassuring. "I don't know how many times I have to tell you that I love you until you start believing me, but I do."
Once again, Kurt found his heart fluttering erratically in his chest at those three overused and abused words. "I love you too, so much." The smile that appeared on Blaine's lips was warm and made Kurt want to melt.
His joy was short lived when he remembered where exactly they were headed to. Panic rose in his chest no matter how much he tried to swallow it. In an hour and a half, he would be in his home, telling his dad what a mess he was.
He would be informing his father of how much a mess his only son was.
"Blaine?" Kurt called and stared out the window, watching the trees blur by.
"Mhmm?"
"Can we turn around and go back?" His voice was childlike and small and Kurt hated it.
"Why? I thought we were going to go talk to your parents and get better." If it was any other time, the fact that Blaine had used 'we' and made all of Kurt's problems his own would have warmed his heart.
"I was. I mean, I am, but my dads heart isn't good and-" Blaine cut off his voice that had been getting faster and higher with every word.
"Babe, calm down. It's going to be okay and I'll be with you to hold your hand." The giggle that followed his words was unexpected. "What's so funny?"
"You called me babe." Kurt informed him like it the most obvious thing in the world in a love struck and breathless tone.
"I did, didn't I? Do you not like it or something?"
The blue /gray/green eyed boy shook his head rapidly. "No, it was just unexpected." Kurt's smile was wide and it made Blaine's chest feel oddly light to see him that happy after everything they had been through. "A good unexpected." Kurt made sure to add before turning on the radio lowly and humming along to a song that was playing. They were in Blaine's car so the station playing was mostly Top 40.
The rest of the ride was peaceful and filled with singing and laughing. Kurt was trying to keep his mind off of the inevitable passing of time and Blaine was genuinely having a good time, getting lost in the rare carefree atmosphere.
Then the car stopped and Kurt could feel his pulse quicken and his palms turn sweaty and clammy. "Come on, let's go and get this over with." Blaine told him and got out of the car.
Kurt however, made no move to open his door and only got out when Blaine opened his door for him and motioned for him to get out. His body worked on autopilot and he numbly unbuckled his seatbelt with shaky fingers. Blaine held a hand out to him to hold and Kurt shook his head. "My hands are sweaty and gross. There is no way I'm holding your hand."
Blaine chuckled before putting a hand on the small of his back to guide him to the door.
First of all, to the reviewer who asked what my tumblr it is- it's khccglee . tumblr . com but without the spaces. I'm glad to talk to anybody going through anything like this on there or if you want to message me on here.
Secondly, OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! TWO HUNDRED REVIEWS. I love you all, so much. I really wanted to get another chapter out faster because of all that support I'm getting.
And so now we begin the journey of Kurt finally trying to get better. This shall be fun.
Review?