A/N: So you guys can blame Clell and Vern over at Caer for this bunny. :)
Clell for Triwizard Tournament and his lying, intelligent, funny as hell Harry. Plus the whole Vernon being a liar of win!
Vern for the whole bit talking about not being able to figure out who the hell is talking. Not sure if I will just do snippets here and there, or write a whole seven books, but this could be a fun Harry to say the least.
And to keep the bleachiness down to a minimum, this is a younger, healthier, less stressed, jaded, and bitter Vernon and Petunia. Just to set the stage.

In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):

"I own nothing, I make nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"

#4 Privet Drive, Surrey.

"I'm exhausted Tuney, the flight was a bear, but I have to admit, I am glad I went to that conference in Las Vegas. I hated being away from you and Dudders for Halloween, but it was worth it. I closed several new accounts, and got to entertain like a king thanks to the corporate card. I must say Pet, that Harry Blackstone Jr. bloke was amazing. No Paul Daniels, mind you, but quite the showman. Grunnings bought us all front row seats, the VIP treatment and backstage passes. The works! I actually got to speak with the man after the show, and he told me how he had parlayed a little talent for misdirection into an empire. He agreed with me that magic is all a bunch of hooey and freakishness, and that he was an Illusionist. He is as rich as Midas, plus he gets the respect and admiration of all sorts of people. He's met the Iron Lady, and performed magic for the Queen Mum as well. Plus he is surrounded by the most beautiful birds all the time! He even gave me a signed Illusionist's starter set for Dudders! Maybe we can have Dudder's take after him? Maybe he can make a few Aston Martin's appear in his dear old Dad's driveway." laughed Vernon, as he swung Dudley around in a circle, happy to see his son and wife once more. He ignored the frown on Petunia's face, simply glad to be off the plane, and back home.

You couldn't get rid of the smile off his face with a cutting torch and explosives.

'Sure the "Magic" show was fun, but the Mustang ranch had been even more of an exciting trip. Not to mention the parade of different soiled doves that had come to the room every night of the almost week long trip to the States and the City of Sin.' thought Vernon with a smirk.

'And to think, there was actually another show coming up in January where all the latest gadgetry and high tech devices were showcased. And located next door was the skin trade's annual trade show and awards. Have to figure out a way to get Grunnings to foot the bill for that one as well.' schemed Vernon.

'After all, Tuney is a good mother and all, not too bad between the sheets, but merciful heavens what those wonderful tarnished angels were willing to do for him!'

Suddenly Vernon's nose crinkled. It appeared that his boy had decided to give his father a welcome home present as well. Perhaps if he changed the diaper, and took it out with the trash, he could manage to talk Petunia into a more enjoyable welcome home present as well. After all, as the Blackstone bloke had said, "A sucker is born every minute". Vernon certainly was willing to put a few minutes of effort into proving that true tonight. With that, Vernon went about the heinous chore of changing the foul nappy, and taking out the trash. Judging from the look of surprise on Petunia's face, he was already moving in the right direction to prove that quote true. Perhaps he might just make her knickers disappear tonight!

Imagine his surprise when he found another present sitting on his doorstep in middle of the night on that cold November morning. Setting the trash to the side, he bent down, and saw a note addressed to his wife, sitting on the small shivering form of a child. What kind of monsters would leave a child sitting on a doorstep in the nearly freezing temperatures with little more than a blanket on them? Preposterous!

He read the note and winced, it appeared that Petunia's sister and husband had been murdered, and they were being tasked with the care of the poor boy. Well, no use for it, it seemed he would not be getting to dine at the Y tonight after all. It had been a shock to him, just how enjoyable an activity it was, and judging by the fact that one of the whores had brought back two friends the following night, he had quite the knack for it. They had kept tittering about wanting another "Mustache Ride" the entire time. The appreciation of the women was nothing short of paradigm shattering. Which was one more reason he was in such a happy and upbeat mood.

Shrugging his shoulders, he went ahead and took out the trash, then picked up the basket, carrying it into his house. Perhaps he might work in some life affirming sex if he played his cards right tonight after all. Stiff upper lip, and todger, the British way after all. A little comforting, and once the lads were settled and asleep, he could reaffirm their survival?

The next morning, Vernon Dursley blearily awoke to the dim sounds of crying children. Wincing as he got out of bed, he tried to get his brain running in something resembling coherency, and dismiss the ringing in his ears. Reaching up to the scratch his head, he felt what appeared to be a bald spot on the side of his head. In shock he stumbled to the bathroom, looking into the mirror in shock.

Looking back at him was a man who looked like he had been wrestling tigers all night. He had several tufts of hair missing, a blood encrusted nose, and a rather severely split lip. His face was covered in a combination of what looked like donut glaze and lipstick. There were hickeys, and what appeared to be teeth marks all over his neck and shoulders. His todger appeared to be comatose, and luckily, rather undamaged, just exhausted. He shook his head in wonder and turned to wake Tuney to deal with the shrieking infants when he noticed his back. Between the rugburn and fiery scratches liberally applied to his back, he expected to be sleeping on his stomach for the next few days.

Walking back into the bedroom, he noticed that the room looked as if a bomb had gone off. The lamp on the nightstand was broken, there were cracks and several dents in the wall over the headboard, and the mattress on the bed was turned diagonally, half off the bedsprings. The sight of Tuney's bare red arse sticking up in the air, with her head hanging off the bed was both amusing, and arousing at the same time. Unfortunately, between the crying children, and the stupor his wedding tackle was in, that would have to wait. He walked over, and placed his hand on Petunia's arse and gently rearranged her back on the bed. Tossing a light sheet over her, he smiled to himself. Apparently, he had learned very well in Las Vegas, as Tuney was in even worse shape than him. He chuckled at his wife, as she mumbled something in her sleep. Shoving the mattress back onto the frame with his legs, he winced. Looking down, he saw that his knees were in even worse shape than his back. Luckily, he had been given the next few days off, to adjust thanks to the time difference, and his stellar performance at the trade show. He should be able to stretch that out a bit due to the family death and new addition to the family dynamic. Now to see to the children, and see about something to eat, and hopefully some more sleep.

"Ohhhhh, Verrrrnon!" purred Petunia, undulating under the thin sheet. As she moaned, she rolled onto her back, letting the sheet drop down, and exposing her breasts. Watching her nipples harden, and somewhat surprised at feeling a slight stirring in his groin, he readjusted his plan for the day along with his revived todger.

A quick change of nappies, two bottles of milk for the toddlers, and Vernon was headed back to his needy wife's arms. He would deal with the long term new addition to the family afterwards. Not a bad child after all, quite the mop for hair, compared to Dudder's bald little head, but his eyes seemed to be bright and alert. The fact that he actually smiled and nodded at Vernon's instructions to lay down, drink his bottle said he was well behaved. He actually helped get Dudley to behave and lay down too. Shame about his parents, hopefully there was something left to help take care of the child for the future. If not though, Vernon could make things stretch, especially if he kept turning up new accounts and growing the business like he had been. The Vice President of Sales had pulled him aside at one of the clubs, and given him encouragement that he was the right sort, and he was on the upward path.

The fact he had kept the horny, drunken old bastard out of jail after he had smacked that one tart's arse a bit too firmly, causing a rip roaring brawl in the club, hadn't hurt his chances either he supposed.

Smiling as he climbed back into bed, he thought all things considered, life was turning up for the Dursley family.

Scene break- not sure how much I want to put pre-Hogwarts, leaning towards just a few highlights.

Harry looked down at the "Illusionists Kit" his cousin had given up on rather quickly. Uncle Vernon had been trying to encourage Dudley to play with the kit, but he was very busy thanks to the promotion and long hours he was working. Dudley had shown some mild interest, but his thick fingers simply did not have the dexterity required. He started reading the instruction booklet, and began absently rolling the included coin back and forth over his knuckles. Some of the tricks seemed simple enough, but as his Uncle was so fond of saying, "The effect is what counts, the methods are secondary." So he would practice, and become an Illusionist to make sure his Uncle got his Aston Martins to appear in his driveway, just like he had said to Dudley when he first gave him the set as part of the peace offering every traveling salesman brought home to the children.

A/N: So, this could be quite the fun little story. However, as I write it, I keep going back and forth on where I take it. Part of me wants to make it fun, but part of me finds Harry becoming an asshole, or even a little too cocky. I am torn on how I want to take it, and if I want to go realistic to some degree or really go off the rails with an Illusionist who can do REAL Magic. I would appreciate comments or suggestions, as if you read some of my other stuff, I like twisting the characters within canon quite a bit. I just can't decide which way to take this. It will probably be my next fic after Unmentionables.

Maybe. :)

Funny Semi Off Topic note? I literally ended up going to Vegas 2 weeks after I wrote this on a sudden business trip. No Mustang Ranch or soiled doves for me, but I did have an amazing night at the craps tables. I had never been a fan, but ended up playing till for several hours on a starting $20, and ended up a few hundred up after tips and such. Funny how life imitates fanfic huh?