A/N: Chapter Ten's finally here - don't ask me why it took me so long to finish it, for I don't know - and now, I need to go to bed. Or I'll fall asleep at work tomorrow...
Revealing One's Intentions
Lillia's eyelids felt awfully heavy, but she forced them open, staring up at the ceiling of the room she was in. She felt like her skin was on fire, her mouth was dry, and her head felt as if it had been stuffed with cotton – or something similarly fluffy. Though not as fluffy as Sesshomaru's fur.
She idly wondered why she was thinking something as strange as that. Registering a faint sound to her right, she turned her head to find Sesshomaru sitting next to her futon.
Confused, she blinked up at him, not quite being able to make sense of this situation – why was he in her room? What was with that look on his face? And why the hell was she feeling so dreadful?
"You are finally awake", his deep voice spoke.
Slowly, he reached out and placed his hand on her forehead. It was cool, and Lillia closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling.
"Still too hot", he muttered, before pulling his hand back.
Lillia let out a protesting sound, and almost chocked – her throat was too dry.
"Water", she croaked.
He wound his arm around her back, effortlessly lifting her off the futon and leaning her body against his. She felt too weak to move, so he lifted the cup to her lips, and she drank greedily – water running down her chin in the process. Lillia didn't mind – it reduced the burning a little.
The cup was empty, and Lillia made a face.
"More?", the dai-youkai asked.
She nodded, and he refilled the cup. She drained this one, too, then demanded another one. Finally feeling a little better, she leaned back against his chest, exhausted.
She could hear the sound of something being dipped into water, and then his hand was back on her forehead – just that this time, it was wet. Lillia closed her eyes and let out a sound of contentment – while her skin still felt too hot, this was more bearable.
Sesshomaru hummed softly while tracing his hand over her cheeks and down her neck. He stopped when encountering the hem of her yukata, and his hand moved upwards again, caressing her cheeks, before he dipped it into the water again to begin the process anew.
Lillia let out a sigh as he continued his ministrations.
"Why can't you be this nice to me when I'm awake?", she asked, somewhat sluggishly.
"You think this is a dream, Lillia?"
"What else could it be?", she asked, somewhat confused.
He was just a figment of her imagination, and he ought to know that. He was, after all, just a creature created by her subconsciousness.
"You are not dreaming", he informed her in a soft tone.
"Of course you'd say that", she replied.
"Lillia - "
"Why don't you just shut up and let me dream in peace? This is the best dream I've had in a while."
Lillia would have never dared to say the same thing to the real Sesshomaru, but this was just a dream, so it was fine. And, since she quarrelled with him constantly while awake, he could behave in a civil manner in her dreams, really. She felt he owed her that much, at least.
He had apparently decided not to argue her, and remained silent. Lillia smiled to herself before drifting into a state of semi-consciousness, where bizarre monsters and beautiful youkai with silver hair haunted her.
When Lillia woke up the next time – at least, she was fairly sure it was the next time – she felt a lot better. Her fever had apparently gone down, and she didn't feel so awfully tired any more. Turning her head, she found Mari sitting next to her. The inu seemed genuinely relieved to see her waking up.
"Lillia-sama", she exclaimed. "How are you feeling?"
"A little weak, but much better than before."
"Oh, that is good news. Taro-sama instructed us to give you lots to drink, and we fed you broth whenever you seemed conscious enough – do you remember any of that?"
"No", Lillia replied, frowning. "And even if I did, I wouldn't be sure if it had been real – or just a dream. My mind is really good at conjuring up images."
"I see. Do you feel strong enough to get up?"
"I fee the strong urge to get up – why'd you put me on my back? I never sleep on my back, I bet I'm sore all over now... And I need a bath. Urgently."
Mari chuckled.
"Of course. Miki, please inform Taro-sama that Lillia-sama has awoken – I believe he will want to see her."
"I will."
Only now did Lillia notice there was another servant kneeling next to the door. She bowed to Lillia before leaving.
Mari gathered Lillia's things as she got up, really glad she got a chance to walk again.
"Did I miss anything important?", she asked on the way to the hot springs.
"Not much. We held the burial rites for the men who fell in battle, but that was about it. Oh, but the royal family has been greatly worried for your safety – they will all be relieved to see you have recovered, Lillia-sama."
Lillia greatly enjoyed soaking in the steaming water, and didn't even protest when Mari anointed her hair with fragrant oil after she had washed it. Grabbing a strand of her hair to smell it, she found that the scent was very nice – though she couldn't quite decide what it was.
Just as she was being dressed, Miki returned to inform her that Taro wanted to see her as soon as she was able. Lillia thanked her and made her way to Taro's study instantly – it wouldn't do to have him and Yuki worry about her any more than absolutely necessary.
Upon entering the study, she was rather surprised that not only Taro and Yuki were present – but Sesshomaru as well. However, she quickly overcame her surprise – staying like that wouldn't help to understand the situation better, and the youkai could also sense it.
She settled down in front of the low table and arranged her kimono to buy herself some time. She had absolutely no idea about how she should start a conversation – maybe it would be better to let them just ask their questions.
They could, of course, sense her discomfort, and Taro took pity on her.
"How are you feeling, Lillia?"
"A lot better, thank you. I don't think I've ever been this ill."
"We were certainly at a loss about what to do. I passed your instructions on to the healers and servants, and whenever you seemed to be awake, they gave you water and some broth – however, sometimes we weren't sure if you were awake – or dreaming with your eyes open."
"Fever causes hallucinations sometimes, especially when it's very high. People who are in that state are often not aware of what is happening around them, or will believe their hallucinations to be real. Also, they might babble – things that are nonsense as well as truths hidden deep down inside... you just never know what of it is true, and what is nonsense, and what is just caused by the hallucinations. It's never happened to me before – until now, that is."
"Do you remember anything?", Yuki inquired.
"I do, but I don't know if what I remember is real. For all I know, I could have just had a very realistic dream."
"So you told me", Sesshomaru observed.
Lillia stared at him for a heartbeat.
"You mean to say that you were actually in my room, and that I didn't dream that up?"
He nodded slowly.
Lillia's thoughts reeled. Even though she had been semi-conscious at best, that memory had etched itself into her mind – she had just dismissed it as a dream until now.
"Oh no", she groaned. "I hope I didn't say anything too weird or embarrassing, and I apologise if I did..."
"You were under the impression that you were dreaming, and this Sesshomaru could not convince you otherwise", he stated. "But you did say something - "
"I don't want to know, please don't tell me!"
He looked surprised at that, and a little hurt – though she was sure she was just imagining that. To Lillia, it was bad enough to remember that he had taken care of her in the way he had – she had immensely enjoyed it, and she was convinced she'd said something really stupid. And she most certainly didn't want to know what that had been.
"We are not familiar with illnesses, so our healers couldn't tell us – do you know what caused this?", Taro interjected, saving Lillia from her thoughts and feelings of mortification.
"Exhaustion, I guess. As I already told you, dragging Sesshomaru-sama all the way up to that cave was terribly exhausting, and by the time I arrived, I was drenched in sweat. I had to take care of his injury first, but after that, I tried to dry myself by pacing in front of the cave – but I was just so tired. I couldn't keep it up – so I gave in and sat down. I had to force myself to stay awake..."
She saw Sesshomaru twitch, and cast him a quick glance. He took that as an invitation to speak his mind.
"You didn't mention that back then", he observed.
"It didn't seem worth mentioning, especially since I don't like being viewed as weak and useless. Therefore, I played the whole matter down – I had no idea it would have such an effect on my health."
"Would we have been able to prevent it, had we known?"
"I doubt it."
"Lillia", Taro said.
"Yes?"
"No-one thinks of you as weak, especially not after what you did for my son. Despite the limitations placed on you as a human, you faced the task head-on and allowed nothing to stop you – that shows of great strength and determination."
"And you saved our son's life", Yuki chimed in. "For which you will have our eternal gratitude."
Lillia blushed.
"Really, that was nothing", she replied, looking away, embarrassed.
"Nothing? You certainly have a strange way of viewing things."
"While I don't claim to know everything that has happened between you two, I know that you didn't get along too well", Taro added. "Therefore, your willingness to save Sesshomaru, and care for his well-being, was quite surprising. I couldn't help but wondering why you did that."
"I couldn't just abandon someone I knew", she replied quietly. "I could have never lived with myself... and I was the only one who could do something to help him. I told Sesshomaru-sama the same thing when he asked me – while it is true that we don't always get along well, that doesn't mean I hate him. I just had to help."
"What would you do if you were to come across someone you hated, then?", Sesshomaru inquired. "Like that bitch who hurt you when you were a pup? Would you let her die?"
"I don't know", she replied honestly. "It's always easy to talk about those things, to imagine what it would be like, but something entirely different when you're actually faced with such a situation. I don't know if my hatred would be strong enough for me to abandon her – at any rate, I wouldn't want to sink so low. Besides, even if I could do this, and live with myself, by doing so, I would be committing a crime."
"How so?", Sesshomaru asked, frowning. "Wouldn't that be vengeance for the wrongs she committed?"
"That's not how our society works. The law is not there to punish, but to teach. To make people better – which is one reason why there is no death sentence in my homeland."
The inu looked rather surprised at that.
"If someone wrongs you, you can seek legal aid – and that person then gets charged to repay you – in most cases you receive money as compensation. Now, the law also dictates that we have to help people who are in trouble or injured – by refusing to do so, we commit a crime. However, we are only required to help as much as we are able to – nobody expects you to charge into a burning house to rescue all of the people trapped inside – it's enough if you call people who are able to do that. You don't have to place yourself in danger in order to help someone – though no-one can keep you from doing so, either."
"So I take it that in your time, there are people specialised on saving people from burning houses?", Yuki asked.
Lillia stared at her for a heartbeat, before turning on Sesshomaru.
"Did you tell her?", she asked in a somewhat dangerous voice.
"I did. Mother hates it not to be kept up-to-date."
Lillia ground her teeth.
"While I don't particularly mind her knowing, I do mind you going around telling my secrets to other people. Next time, ask me beforehand!"
She had expected him to argue with her, come up with some stupid reason why he didn't have to do that, but much to her surprise, all he did was incline his head, accepting her rebuke.
"You still didn't answer my question", Yuki pointed out.
"Right. Yes, we have specially trained people for that – some of our houses are very big, so it would be impossible for the people to douse the fires themselves. Those men – and women – use special equipment to protect themselves against heat and smoke, and they carry a variety of items that might be needed to reach people who are trapped. Rescuing people takes priority over dousing the flames – they do that last. Saving lives is more important than saving property."
"Hm. Your time seems to be a very interesting place", Yuki observed.
"Indeed. I can hardly wait to get there", Taro agreed.
"You might not like it too much", Lillia replied, grimacing. "Mankind will manage to come up with a lot of stupid ideas in the following 500 years, and will cause irreparable damage to our world... humans are the biggest idiots alive."
"You are very severe on your own kind", Yuki observed.
"It's the truth, unfortunately. I know what will happen, after all, and most of it isn't pretty. At all. The things I have seen – and I have been taught – I'd like to forget some of them, and pretend they never happened. Knowledge can be a terrible burden... and ignorance can be bliss."
"Seeing as how you know the future – can you do nothing to prevent those things?", Taro asked.
"No. While there are already some terrible things happening, most of those will occur some 50 or so years before I will be born – I won't live long enough to see this time. And even if I did – I hardly think I could do anything about it. While it is possible for a single person to change everything, it is not easily done – and circumstances might prevent you from achieving your goal. For example – it doesn't matter if what you are saying is right, as long as society doesn't believe you – or wants to, at least. People usually don't like it very much if you shove their mistakes right into their faces – and confront them with the fact that what they have been doing was wrong, cruel or even evil. They won't thank you for that."
"How can they be so foolish?", Sesshomaru asked, frowning. "Shouldn't they be glad that someone points out their mistakes to them?"
"What about you? What if I were to tell you that you have lived your life the wrong way? Would you be happy about that?"
He gave her a thoughtful look.
"Probably not, no."
"Most people are like that. Admitting that you are wrong is often very difficult, and most people lack the strength to do so – especially admitting those things to others. They prefer to believe that what they are doing is the right thing, and by doing so, are able to justify the most horrendous and heinous crimes."
The youkai were silent as they considered her words, and Lillia absent-mindedly rubbed her throat – all the talking had made her rather thirsty, and she had a feeling she was still dehydrated from the fever.
Noticing her discomfort, Taro called a servant and ordered him to bring her something to drink. Lillia gave him a grateful smile.
"There is a matter I would like to discuss – I wish to hear your opinion concerning the dragon youkai", Taro said, once she had drained a cup in one go.
Lillia nodded.
"All right, but first, I need more information. Who exactly are they, where do they come from, and how do they compare to inu-youkai?"
"The dragons hail from the north, the country ruled by Lord Ryuukotsusei. Dragon youkai can grow to be very tall, and they are immensely powerful. The average lizard is stronger than the average inu – so, unless our numbers are greater, or we have many powerful warriors on our side, we are at a disadvantage – which is why we lost some men in the first place."
"I see. I couldn't tell the difference in strength or skill based on observation – you were moving too fast for me to even be able to see anything. All was just a blur – that was somewhat unsettling."
"Relations between us and the dragons have never been – friendly, there have been conflicts and even wars in the past, but things have bee much quieter for the last couple of centuries. From all we could gather, you were not their objective – they didn't realise we had a human with us at first – therefore, they must have been after something else."
"Hm. From my point of view, there are two explanations: either, they were outlaws, just a ragtag band of fighters that came across some inu and decided to kill them for whatever reason – or they were sent by this Ryuukotsusei-fellow. In which case it is safe to assume that you and/or Sesshomaru-sama were the target."
"So you believe it to be possible that Lord Ryuukotsusei wanted us dead?"
"It is a possibility we cannot dismiss. You say there was tension in the past – it might well be that he was only biding his time, waiting for something... and that he believes the time to strike is now. Of course, we can't know that for certain – did you get around to question any of them?"
"No. We exterminated them right away – I was not going to risk injury to you by letting any of them live."
"I see. Well, I guess the only one who could answer this question would be Ryuukotsusei himself..."
"I was planning on sending an envoy for that purpose", Taro replied.
Lillia's eyes widened.
"Don't do that!"
He arched an eyebrow.
"Why not?"
"From what you told me earlier it would be a death sentence to send any number of your men into the territory controlled by dragons", she pointed out. "Even if Ryuukotsusei wasn't involved in this matter, he might feel insulted and kill your messengers."
"And if I were to go myself?"
"You might be playing right into his hands – claws – whatever it is he's got. This is a dangerous situation, Taro-sama, and we must assume the worst. A mistake might cost us dearly."
"So, what do you suggest we do?"
"Nothing."
"That will hardly solve the problem."
"If we were to act now, we might cause a war", she pointed out. "If those were just outlaws, the problem should be solved – and if they weren't – well, then we'll find out sooner or later, and I prefer later. My suggestion would be to increase the number of soldiers at the northern borders, and to look out for any sort of suspicious movements on their side. Also, it might be a good idea to contact whatever allies you have out there – find out if they have noticed anything, and if they were to stand by your side, should Ryuukotsusei indeed be planning to attack your lands."
"This is cowardice", Sesshomaru announced.
"No. It is prudence. It is the safest way to proceed – I have a feeling we will have a war on our hands sooner or later, and the more time we can buy ourselves, the better – it gives us more time to prepare for what I believe will be inevitable. To tell you the truth – the idea of having to witness an actual war frightens me. I know what war does to people, I have been taught all about it – but in my time, in my country, there are no wars. And I do not wish to experience what this would be like myself."
"You would be safe here", Yuki replied. "I would fight to the death to protect you."
"You don't understand!", Lillia almost shouted. "I do not fear death – what I fear is loss. Right now, you two are the closest thing to family I have – I'm sorry, I know this is inappropriate, but I honestly can't bear the thought of losing you! You probably don't understand, since you are immortal, but losing someone you love or care about is the worst thing in the world."
"I lost my parents during the last war with the dragons", Taro replied quietly. "I know what you speak of."
"I – I'm sorry, I didn't know."
"Do not apologise, Lillia. I understand your feelings. And I promise you – should it come to war, I will do my utmost to stay alive. As this country's ruler, I have a duty, to you and everyone else. I do not intent to abandon anyone."
Lillia managed a weak smile. He really was confident.
"Your words have merit, and I will consult with my other advisers, to hear what they have to say. But you are right – playing it safe might be the best option."
Sitting on the veranda outside his room, Sesshomaru went over the recent events in his mind. Lillia had greatly surprised him with her ideas concerning how to deal with the dragons, he hadn't known that she was a strategist, as well. While he still didn't like the idea of sitting around, waiting for the enemy to make a move, Taro had decided to do just that – the other advisers had for most part agreed with her that they shouldn't risk open war just yet.
Lillia's blurted-out confession that she thought of his parents as family had come as a surprise – though Sesshomaru wasn't going to complain – her growing attachment might actually work in his favour. And he had a feeling he would need all the help he could get – since this matter had become even more complicated. Sesshomaru had originally planned to show his affection by taking care of her while she was ill – it had seemed like a foolproof plan to him. However, Lillia had written the whole thing off as a dream, and while she still remembered that it had happened, she no longer recalled what she had told him – and had prevented him from telling her. This was very vexing, to say the least.
He looked up, surprised, when his mother joined him.
"You did not reapply your scent to her", she observed without wasting time.
"That is correct."
"Why? I would have thought you would be quite eager to do that, seeing as how she has forgiven you and all. Why do you hesitate?"
"The matter has become a little more complicated, I'm afraid. Something happened while we were in that cave – something I have been keeping a secret so far. Lillia was tense, and that put me on edge – I told her I was going to give her a massage to change that. She was against it, tried to stop me – I probably should have listened to her... she became aroused by my touch."
Yuki's eyebrows shot upwards.
"I at first assumed this had been because of me, but she quickly set me straight – telling me a woman would get the same reaction from her."
"So she is just very sensitive, then?"
"It would appear so. Since her body was reacting, and calling to me, I was under the impression she would welcome my attention – however, she made it perfectly clear that she wouldn't just give herself to a man just because of that – her mind did not want this, and she warned me against overpowering her."
"You do realise you would have dishonoured her, had you pressed your advance?", Yuki asked, her voice full of suppressed anger.
"I would have claimed her right there and then – there would have been no shame in my actions, had she become mine."
"Do you even understand what you are talking about, Sesshomaru? Do you know the dangers of mating with an unwilling female? There is a reason why every female has the right to refuse, and why we are so adamant this rule is upheld!"
"I know. I am well aware of the risks that such a union would entail."
"Then you had better be grateful that Lillia had the strength to rebuff you – wait. Does that mean she has refused you for good?"
"Not – as such. She is still unaware of my intentions, and probably assumed I was acting on impulse – she has no reason to believe my interest in her might stem from a different source."
"In that case, I suggest you let her know of your intentions as soon as possible – before anything happens that will make you drift apart again."
"How am I supposed to do that? You know I am not good with words, and holding my own against Lillia is nearly impossible..."
"You will have to find a way. Don't tell me you are frightened of her. If you don't get around to courting her soon, you might be too late... don't forget that she is mortal, and ageing. You can't wait for another decade or so."
"Things would be easier if I knew anything about how a human male would court a female – especially in her time. The library did not yield much information on the subject, and it is safe to assume that things will change a lot between now and her time."
"Well, the only person who could answer this question would be Lillia herself..."
"I can hardly go and ask her."
"True... but – if you ask nicely enough, I might just help you out."
Sesshomaru glared at her. Yuki smirked.
"I am curious", Yuki said as they strolled among the trees. "What have you observed? How much does our society differ from yours?"
Lillia gave that some thought.
"Not much, really. There is the same vanity, greed, ambition, loyalty and love that you can find in ours. I don't think our two races are all that different – except for the physical things, of course. And we can't use youki."
"However, some of your kind can use reiki – holy powers", Yuki pointed out.
"Hm... I've never seen this before, you know. And I didn't knew something like this existed before I came to this time..."
"Do you mean to say that there are no gifted people in your time? Or any youkai?"
"I don't know", Lillia admitted. "Just because I never met any doesn't mean they don't exist. I can imagine that people who are 'special' would keep that to themselves, because of the way society would react – they wouldn't be feared, but they would be a spectacle – everyone would want to see them, to ask for their help – and some people might want to take advantage of them, too. So, I wouldn't be surprised if all of them had simply gone into hiding. It's what I would do, if I was inhumanly beautiful and could drip poison from my fingers."
Yuki let out a peal of laughter.
"Your society seems to be pretty crazy about entertainment", she guessed.
"Indeed. You have no idea. We have progressed to a point where we have everything – at least in my homeland – so entertainment is very important – otherwise, we grow bored. There is a lot of entertainment being provided as it is, but nothing is as welcome as gossip. The more scandalous, the better. Of course, not all people feel like this, but most of society does."
"Interesting. I take it that you are not that much interested in the scandalous affairs of your fellow humans."
"Not really. And I especially detest those that have to be the center of attention all the time. They are just plain annoying."
"Hm. Do you know anything about human society in this era?"
"I do, though not much about Japan in particular – I could explain the society Europe has right now, though, if you like."
"Please do."
"Okay. There are several kingdoms in Europe, some smaller, some bigger. They are all ruled by a king, who owns the land, with the help of his vassals. Another important power is the Church – a religious institution. It holds much sway over the people, including the rulers. Also, society is divided into distinctive ranks – you cannot move out of the one you are born into. In addition, there are guilds – like smiths, tailors, and so on. You can't move out of one – or into one, either."
"So, you cannot improve your social rank by – let's say, marrying."
"No. Nobles would never consider commoners, besides, their children are often married off for political purposes – to increase their family's wealth or power. Those kind of marriages are usually arranged by the parents – or rather, the fathers – and the children have no say in the matter. Whether or not they will find happiness in their marriage is more or less up to fate."
"And commoners?"
"Hm, there is little known about this – because it wasn't recorded. But it is safe to assume that they would marry someone from the same village or town. Though, in some countries, mostly the eastern ones, it is custom to employ a matchmaker – that person goes around the villages and keeps track of all the single men and women, and tries to find a good match for them – for money, of course. But I don't think this was ever practised in western Europe."
"So, love is not the objective, then?"
"Love won't keep you fed, or warm. They would, of course, try to choose someone they liked if possible, but it was important that the person you ended up with could provide for you."
"I take it this is different in your time?"
"Yes – one reason being that most women have a job of their own, and are able to provide for themselves. They no longer have to marry – and if they do, they can afford to listen to their feelings on the matter. Most people in my time marry for love – though there are exceptions. Some marry for power or money, and others have to listen to the dictates of their family, society, or religion."
"Then that must mean that, unlike in this time, the men in your time do the courting them selves."
"Er, yes, though it is not called 'courting'. We use the term 'dating' – it basically means you spend time together to get to know each other better, and do things you like to do – that, of course, varies depending on the humans involved."
"There are no rules, then?"
"Oh, there are some", Lillia replied, laughing. "Like, don't piss of the person you're trying to impress, or do anything that might be misinterpreted. And gifts are always very welcome, as is attention – but, again, what kind of gifts or attention will work depends on the girl."
"Any examples? We have courting gifts, as well, but I have a feeling yours would be different."
"Probably. Well, you can never do anything wrong with flowers – unless you come across a convinced hater of plants."
Yuki chuckled.
"Jewellery also usually works, but there is a danger of picking the wrong kind, or some thing that seems too cheap – or too expensive. All can be bad. But, none of that would mean anything coming from the wrong kind of guy."
"The wrong kind of guy?"
"Yes. It is said that opposites attract each other, but I don't think you can generalise things. In my experience, generalising is always bad. But there are some types of personality that simply aren't compatible. And you have to find out which ones work well together with yours. Of course, first you have to know what kind you are, and what kind you want..."
"What kind of male would you want, Lillia?"
"Hm. I've never really thought about that – I prefer not expecting anything from others, or life in general – it makes dealing with disappointments much easier."
"That is a very negative way of seeing things."
"It is simply the result of the pain I was subjected to as a child. I am like this because people drove me down a certain path, with no way back. I cannot help it – I cannot help myself. I'm stuck, in a way."
"In that case, I can imagine you have some requirements your ideal man must have", Yuki pressed. "If you have been hurt before, I am certain you would not want to experience this again."
Lillia let out a humorless laugh.
"Believe me, I wouldn't even wish this kind of fate upon someone I hate. But you are right – there are some things I would require. Loyalty. I don't want to be anyone's plaything, nor do I want to be replaceable – been there, done that. He would have to be kind, and gentle. I wouldn't keep him from interacting with other females – I know from my parents' example that this can work out well – but I would have to be certain he would never look at another the way he looks at me. I would want to feel safe with him – but not overprotected. More like at home, if you understand what I mean. I would want to feel that I belonged with him, and he would have to accept me the way I am – with all of my flaws and imperfections, and those are many. For I would not change for anyone, become the way they want me to be."
Yuki had been listening attentively, but Lillia's last statement made her frown.
"Does that mean you are opposed to change in itself?"
"Change is the only constant thing in life."
"That is a contradiction in itself."
"Life is full of contradictions, Yuki-sama", Lillia replied with a smile. "What I meant is that it is impossible to stop changes from happening – slowing them down is possible, but never stopping them. I am not opposed to changes – but I wouldn't want to be with someone who wants me to be something I'm not."
"I see... that is something different, then. For some changes in life are necessary, Little Flower."
"I know. It's not like I'd refuse to change at all just out of pure spite. But, if, for example, a man told me he didn't like me being independent and that I should stay home, cook his meals and raise his children, I'd give him a piece of my mind – and remove him from the list of possible partners. Not that I would mind cooking for my husband (though I don't like to cook) or raising our kids, but everything in life has to be done for the right reason."
"Though what the right reason is might differ, depending on who you ask."
"That is true. In one of my favourite stories, a man tells his young student that the truth always depends on your own point of view – and I think that is a very wise statement."
"Indeed. The person who wrote this story must be wise, too."
"I don't know, I've never met him", Lillia replied, laughing. "But, I suppose stupid people would be unable to create wise characters."
Yuki laughed.
"I guess not."
Lillia opened her eyes to find herself face-to-face with the most gorgeous male in the entire castle, his long silver hair tickling her face and his golden eyes glowing with a strange emotion she couldn't quite name. Before she had even time to think about what he was doing in her room – and why she wasn't bothered by that – he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers in a kiss that was both gentle and passionate.
Without thinking, she dug her fingers into his hair, pulling him even closer to her as his hands started to wander. Her body craved his touch, craved him – his hands left burning trails on her skin and – wait, what had happened to her clothes? She decided it didn't matter, as she gave in to the sensation of his fingers tracing invisible patterns across her body, the burning increasing, it was almost unbearable by now. He seemed to know what she needed, and she knew what he was going to do – and she would most certainly not stop him, it felt simply too good...
Lillia bolted upright, her eyes wide, as she tried to grasp what was happening – or what was not happening. She was in her room in the dead of night, alone.
Cursing softly, she hid her face in her hands before pulling on her own hair, trying to pull herself together. It wasn't the first time she had had this kind of dream, but they always ended before anything interesting happened – Lillia wasn't sure if she should be glad about this, or not.
It had started after she had recovered from her fever – after the night in the cave. All awkwardness aside, it had been nice to have someone lying next to her, warming her – she had felt safe, and protected – and utterly mortified in the morning, when she had realised she had actually snuggled up to him. She had been extremely relieved that he could just shrug it off.
However, her subconsciousness seemed to miss him – well, Lillia's conscious self did, too, to some extent, but those dreams – they were her subconsciousness' way of pointing out the fact that she had spent a night in the arms of the most sexiest man in all of the Western Lands (most likely, anyway), and refused to let her forget that little detail – Lillia had been shocked to realise that she found him attractive, and apparently, she also desired him to some extent – or she wouldn't be having those dreams. It was merely that, though – attraction. She wasn't in love with him or anything, and she most certainly wasn't attracted to his character – even though he had managed to improve his standing in her eyes. No, this was merely physical – Lillia wasn't blind, and she couldn't deny the fact that he was attractive – and therein exactly lay her problem. Sesshomaru would surely kill her, if he ever found out about her little subconscious crush.
Lillia decided she was glad the dreams ended before anything serious happened – it was hard enough to face him day after day without thinking about how nice it would be if he kissed her – or did other things to her.
Groaning, Lillia decided she needed some fresh air. Her bizarre, all-to-real dream had left her hot and flushed, and she needed to calm down before she could even think about going back to sleep. Sliding the door open, she stepped out onto the cold, wet grass, en joying the sensation with her bare feet.
It was the night of the full moon, and the entire gardens were bathed in a silvery light that gave everything an ethereal glow. She just kept walking, enjoying the silence, the light, the cool air of the summer that was just beginning, everything.
She didn't know what it was exactly, but she felt the sudden urge to dance – she just wasn't a very gifted dancer, so she ended up spinning around in circles, rotating on the spot, her arms lifted into the air, a smile of exhilaration on her face.
As she spun around facing the castle, she caught sight of something silver, but it took her another turn to realise she wasn't alone anymore – Lillia came to an abrupt stop facing the other person, her head spinning, precariously unbalanced. Large, but gentle hands closed themselves around her upper arms, steadying her as Lillia stared at him, eyes unfocused.
It seemed like ages before the world finally stopped spinning, and after that, Lillia blinked several times, just to assure herself that everything was where it should be.
Me still standing? Check. World no longer spinning? Check. Sesshomaru holding me? Check.
Her brain rebooted with astounding speed, and Lillia realised that finding herself face-to-face with the object of her obsession wasn't good. At all.
"You can let go now, I'm fine", she informed him.
He immediately released her, and Lillia fervently hoped he would attribute her reaction and slight shock to the fact that he had surprised her, and that she still might be dizzy.
"What were you doing?", he inquired, not even bothering to hide his curiosity.
"I just felt a mad, violent urge to express myself."
"In the middle of the night?"
"I couldn't sleep", she replied, really proud of herself for coming up with an answer that wasn't a lie. "So I decided the fresh air might do me good."
"I see."
"And what about you? I very much doubt that you felt the urge to express yourself, Sesshomaru-sama."
He actually almost smiled at that.
"No. However, this Sesshomaru found he had trouble finding sleep, as well."
"Huh... might be because of the full moon."
"Hn."
"Though the view is quite pretty."
Ugh, I can't believe this... only talking about the weather could be worse, I suppose...
Lillia felt another strong urge to whack herself with something over the head. Repeatedly.
"You like the moonlight, then?"
"Yes, especially tonight it's very bright. It makes the world appear so different, even though everything is still the same..."
He looked thoughtful at that.
"I would like to show you something", he said slowly.
"Oh, okay. What is it?"
"A surprise."
"And where?"
"Outside the castle grounds."
"Outside? Is it safe to go outside – at night, I mean? It's not that I doubt that you would protect me or anything."
He chuckled.
"Darkness doesn't hinder me, and it is not far."
"For you, or for me? For darkness does hinder me. And I'd slow you down considerably."
He huffed.
"Do you think I would have you walk? There are more comfortable ways for you to travel, and they are faster, too."
"Right. I'd kinda forgotten about that. Well, seeing as how I'm not tired and don't expect to fall asleep anytime soon, you might just as well show me."
The words had barely left her mouth before he had already scooped her up in his arms and cradled against his chest. Lillia let out a surprised sound, but didn't protest – she just hoped her body would spare her the humility of reacting to this kind of proximity.
Sesshomaru leapt the wall in one bound, using youki to boost his jump, and then, he was running through the dark forest. Lillia's worries instantly faded away, being replaced by the sheer joy the speed brought her. She could hear him chuckle when he became aware of the fact.
After a short while, he slowed to a walk, and carefully put her down, keeping his arm wrapped around her waist until he was certain she was safely standing on both her legs.
"Are we there?", she asked, looking around.
She couldn't spot anything out of the ordinary, and surely he hadn't dragged her all the way out here to show her some common trees. She came from a country that was mostly covered in those, after all, and she had seen her fill of forests.
"No, but it is not far. This way."
He was walking slowly, mindful of her disadvantages as a human, circumventing the occasional obstacle so she wouldn't run into or trip over it.
She could see the trees thinning ahead, and guessed they were close to their destination. They stepped out onto a large clearing, and Lillia gasped.
Almost the entire expanse of the forest glade was taken up by a lake, the water gleaming silver in the moonlight. Mesmerised, Lillia moved closer, taking it all in.
It was simply beautiful, there was no other word for it. Feeling as if she had stepped into some kind of dreamland, Lillia moved over to the water's edge and dipped a toe into the water, letting out a chuckle.
"You seem to like it here."
Lillia started, having almost forgotten Sesshomaru was still there. Smiling, she turned around to face him.
"Yes, I do. I had no idea there was this beautiful place so close to your castle – not that I know much about the surrounding lands, mind you. It's not like I go out that often."
"This was one of my favourite places when I was a pup – and I still like to come here in summer, to swim."
"Are the summers hot in this area?"
"Yes."
"Ugh. I can't stand it when it gets too hot..."
"We could come here again, if you like. Do you know how to swim?"
"Humans of my time spend a lot of time swimming during the summer – it can get unbear ably hot, especially in the big cities. It's more bearable in the countryside. I'd love to go swimming – if I could find some suitable attire, that is."
"I hadn't thought of that", he admitted.
"You probably only went swimming with other guys, then", she guessed.
"Hn. Or on my own. I suppose you can't go swimming wearing a yukata."
"No. I mean, I could, but it would slow me down a lot, and I'd probably tire real fast – not a good idea. But I'll come up with something, don't you worry."
They lapsed into silence – a comfortable this time – and Lillia just enjoyed all that this place had to offer.
A sudden gust of wind made her shiver, and the next moment, Sesshomaru was next to her.
"We should head back."
"But I don't want to!"
"You are cold."
"Am not!"
"Stop talking back to this Sesshomaru. You have only just recovered from an illness that almost killed you, and I will not risk your health just to indulge your whim. You are not even wearing shoes!"
"I am not as feeble as that, and based on what information do you claim to know that I almost died? I recall no such thing."
"I saw the state you were in, whereas you were unconscious – therefore, I believe I can better judge just what kind of condition you were in. And it is not like you could stop me from taking you back."
Lillia glared at him, but had to admit he was right – she didn't really want to get ill again. Therefore, she yielded.
"Fine... we can go back."
She was off her feet the same moment, and, once she was again cradled against his chest, she found out he was right – she was cold. She tried to burrow into his chest before realising what she was doing.
"Ah – I'm sorry", she stuttered.
Sesshomaru didn't react in any way, but she suddenly saw that his mokomoko was on the move – and soon, she was covered in an abundance of white fluff. He even made sure to cover her feet.
"Thanks", she muttered, trying to hold still as not to accidentally touch his tail – remember ing how it had affected him the last time she had done so. "Looks like all I can do is cause you trouble..."
"No. This was my idea. I could have thought this through."
Reaching the castle walls, Sesshomaru jumped right to the top, running across the fortification, which offered her a nice view of the gardens and the buildings. She hadn't been on the walls before, and decided she would have to change that – the view was certainly a nice one.
Sesshomaru stopped right outside her room, carefully putting her down.
"You left your door open", he observed. "Will you be warm enough?"
"I have my blanket", she replied, frowning at her own stupidity. "And morning's not far off. I think."
"Are you certain?", he pressed.
"Gah, I hate the fact I can't lie to you, you know that? I don't know, honestly, but I'll make do. It's not like it's cold outside, I'll just curl up under my blanket. I should be fine."
"Why is being unable to deceive this Sesshomaru a problem? You are not required to answer questions you do not wish to, and this Sesshomaru would never press you to do so."
"Yes, but you'd know I'm hiding something. Humans wouldn't – I'm actually good at lying", she told him while turning around to face him – noticing his fur was still wrapped around her shoulders.
He frowned.
"Why do humans lie?"
"Mostly to protect themselves, to save face, or to gain something they want. But also sometimes to protect others – if the truth would be too much for them to handle. Does that mean that youkai never attempt to lie at all?"
"Depends. I myself see no need to do so – I can obtain anything I want by other means. Some youkai employ lying and trickery on a daily base – kitsune, for example, make a living by tricking humans."
"I see. But you never lie to each other, then."
"It would not work. However... we sometimes are not completely honest with our pups – though they can sense a lie, they don't know what it is they sense until a certain age or maturity is reached. So, we do lie, though seldom."
"So... if I were to ask you a question, I could be relatively certain you would answer me truthfully?"
"Yes. If there was something I would not wish to discuss, I would avoid the subject, instead of lying."
"I see. That's nice to know – I have a real disadvantage here, you know – you can tell what I am feeling, but I have no idea what's going on inside your head – you never show any emotions, and you don't talk about them, either."
"Most males would not do that."
"True. Humans are no different. While I myself don't always find it easy to do this, it is necessary for us – since we can't sense what the other person is feeling. Unless it becomes apparent in mimic or gestures, we need to say what we feel. Refusing to do so can actually cause problems..."
"Most males wish to appear strong, tough, and talking about one's emotions doesn't quite fit the picture."
"Well, there's nothing wrong with wanting to appear though – but no-one would like to be together with an ice-prick who was unable to express himself except by punching people in the face."
"Hn. Good point."
"I'm glad you agree with me", she said with a crooked smile. "Well, then. I think I should turn in. Thanks for the trip, Sesshomaru-sama. I really enjoyed it."
She gave him a sincere smile for emphasis before turning away, the fur slowly slipping from her shoulder as she walked towards her room. She shivered slightly as it tickled her face and neck. Then, it was gone, and she felt she was going to miss it soon.
"Lillia, wait!"
He grabbed her arm, holding her back, and she turned around again, surprised. There was a strange expression on his face – well, the fact that there was an expression on his face to begin with was strange, since his face normally expressed nothing at all. And Lillia instantly knew something was up.
As soon as she had stopped moving away, he had released her arm, watching her with the oddest expression. She couldn't place it at all, and it wasn't anything she had seen in her dreams – though she couldn't really picture the real Sesshomaru looking like that, either...
"I – need to tell you something..."
He broke off, apparently unsure about how to proceed, and the next moment, she realised he was uncertain. Maybe even nervous. Something she would have never expected the dai-youkai to be – he always was extremely full of himself, so sure he could accomplish anything...
She gave him an encouraging smile.
"Okay, I'm not going anywhere. Let me know when you're ready, all right?"
He actually smiled back – though it was hardly notable, but it was there.
Lillia waited patiently as he assembled his thoughts – she knew he often had problems expressing himself, and that her being human usually made it more difficult – therefore, she tried to be as helpful as possible. Patient. Encouraging. Reliable. Whatever it was that he wanted to tell her, she would listen. And, if at all possible, she would offer advise, or help – he wasn't a friend as such, but still someone she cared about to some extent – and she had always offered advise to others.
"This Sesshomaru would like to ask permission to court you."
Lillia stared at him. That was not what she had expected. Lillia's thoughts raced, and she couldn't quite make sense of this situation...
"Why?", she blurted out.
It was the first thing that had come to her mind, and she needed to understand – for there was no obvious reason why he would want to do that.
He blinked, apparently not having expected such a response, but was, luckily enough, not offended.
"Because we are meant for each other."
"I don't understand", she whispered, utterly confused.
"You could not, because you are human. Each youkai has a perfect match out there – someone who would complete him. Since inu-youkai mate for life, we spend centuries, if need be, to find the right person – I was fortunate I found you so quickly – that you were sent to this time. Matches between youkai and humans are rare – but not unheard of. And you are the right one for me, Lillia. No-one else would do."
"So – you want me to be your – mate?"
"Yes. Were you a youkai, I would not need to tell you – you would know, just as I do, that we were meant for each other. However – since you are human, you would be unable to interpret the sings correctly – if I started courting you, you probably wouldn't even realise what was going on."
"Okay, that does make sense to some extend, but I still don't understand why I should be the one – you say you mate for a lifetime. But I am human."
"I am aware of the fact – did you not say that humans try to stay together for a lifetime, as well? Is the thought of being bound to me so strange?"
"No, you got my meaning wrong. I, too, would like to have a lasting relationship... what I meant is that I'm mortal, Sesshomaru-sama. One day, I'll be gone. You will linger, with all the memories and grief. Do you really want to subject yourself to this? The more attached you grow to me, the worse it will be for you to lose me. Trust me, I know. I know what it's like to lose someone you care about, and I don't want anyone to suffer like this because of me – especially someone who's immortal! Your parents are already too attached to me - "
He placed a finger on her lips, effectively silencing her.
"Lillia", he said softly. "If you were to mate with me, you would not die."
Her eyes widened at that.
"I wouldn't? You mean to say I would become immortal? How?"
"I would be transferring some of my powers to you – I did not research this matter in detail yet, focusing on the problem at hand – but you would not die, since, as you have pointed out, it would not be wise to bind yourself to a mortal creature. Losing one's ideal mate is supposedly the worst thing that can happen to us, which is why a human mate must be empowered in order to be able to survive in our society."
Lillia ran a hand through her hair, her thoughts racing. If what he said was true, he was basically offering her immortality – she could see her family again!
The price would be being stuck with Sesshomaru for an eternity, however, and she wasn't sure if that was a good idea – she still barely knew him, after all, and had until very recently assumed he didn't like her. And now he was telling her she was his ideal mate, and that he wanted her.
"How did you find out? That I'm your ideal mate, I mean."
"My instincts told me – though, at first, I had no idea what this meant. I realised it after you got injured in practise – this was also what I asked my father about. I thought that it might be possible that you were the one – since it would explain my reaction back then – but it took me a couple of days to be certain. When I finally was certain, I was still faced with the problem of how to deal with this situation – how to court you. My father knows no-one who has ever done this, so I could not ask for advise..."
Lillia frowned.
"Does that mean you were already aware of that fact the day you broke my leg?"
"Yes. I had tried to come up with something you would enjoy, but that backfired miserably – I was just outside your room when they patched up your leg, and the fact that you were in pain almost drove me insane – even more so because I could not punish the one who had done this to you – since that was me."
"I had no idea... no idea you felt that way about this situation – I mean, I did realise you didn't do this on purpose, but – damn, I really shouldn't have said that back then..."
"Don't apologise", he warned. "I will not have it."
"I wasn't going to", she replied, slightly surprised. "But – why did it take you so long to realise this? From the start, I got the impression you didn't like me."
"True, I did not like you at first, but that changed... you must understand that you were the first human I ever met – in the sense of interacting over a longer period of time, and under standing him. We know little of humans as it is, they are usually labelled dirty, stupid creatures, not worthy of our attention. But you didn't fit the picture – that was – confusing, really. The more time I spent with you, the more I discovered – I was surprised you were educated. I was surprised you were not afraid. Apart from that – I did believe there could be something going on between you and my father, and I didn't like it at all. Maybe that was my beast already telling me it wanted you... but I did not understand. It is not like I had had any experience with this before..."
"Huh. Well, I wouldn't know... wait. What's your beast?"
"It can be best described as a manifestation of my instincts and desires, I believe. It is a part of me, and usually allows me to do things on my own while dropping the occasional hint."
"Could I meet it?", she asked eagerly, curious to find out more about inu-youkai and their fascinating secrets.
Sesshomaru stared at her in utter disbelief.
"Do you even realise what you are asking?"
"No. I'm human, remember? I won't know unless you explain."
"The main purpose of the beast is to assure our survival", he explained in a quiet voice, all the time moving closer, a somewhat predatory look in his eyes. "It usually rises to protect us, if we should find ourselves in a life-threatening situation, or pitted against an enemy that is too strong for us. It also looks for the perfect mate – with nothing else but procreation on its mind. If I were to let it loose now, it would take you right here and now – making you our mate, binding you to us for all eternity. I cannot imagine you would be too pleased by this – and it would cause me trouble, too, if you turned out to be unwilling. My beast cares nothing for my troubles, or your feelings. It only cares about obtaining what it wants, and that would be you."
Lillia had backed away during his explanation, eyes widening. Seeing her discomfort, he stopped, a strange expressing on his face.
"Do I frighten you?", he asked, his voice more gentle, a hint of insecurity in it.
"Not really. I just had no idea – I didn't think you beast would actually be dangerous – in an unchecked way, that is. Even if my questions might sound stupid – or even suicidal – to you, please keep in mind I'm utterly clueless about any of this – you have to tell me those things."
"Good. I can do that – I do not wish to frighten you, and I am glad you understand."
"So... mating with a female who doesn't want you is bad?"
"Yes. For that reason, it is every female's right to refuse an unwanted male. It is very important that this law is upheld."
"Then – if I were to refuse you, this would actually stop you? You wouldn't – try to overpower me or anything?"
"Your refusal would be final – honour would prevent me from pursuing you further. A male who cannot deal with rejection in a dignified manner is worth nothing. If you were to refuse me, I would never speak of the matter again – I would live with the shame, alone, forever."
"So, you can't just propose again? People change with time, you know. Feelings change, too."
"That is what courting is for. Is it different for humans?"
"Oh, yes. You can propose to a woman as often as you please – provided she lets you. And, once you get over your broken heart, you can go look for someone else."
"This Sesshomaru would not want anyone else. Only you would do."
"Does that mean you'd remain single for the rest of your eternal life?", she asked, slightly shocked.
"Yes. Unless circumstances demand that I take a mate."
"Circumstances?"
"If my father were to die, it would be my duty to produce an heir. I would mate for that purpose – like my parents have."
Lillia's eyes widened.
"They're not a perfect match?"
"No. My father needed allies when he took the throne, and my mother's family had what he needed – so he took their eldest daughter as a mate. It was a favourable alliance for both sides, and my parents liked each other well enough – but, while they hold some amount of affection for each other, there was never love."
"A political alliance, then... is this the reason you don't have any siblings? Because they already have an heir?"
"Might be, I never asked. One of my father's objectives was certainly to produce a strong heir – just in case something similar might happen again."
"With the dragons."
"Hn. Our pups also take a long time to grow – having too many little ones at the same time might be bothersome. My mother does not like bothersome things."
"Not to mention that no-one would like to be pregnant all the time – there are nicer things than pregnancy, believe me."
"This Sesshomaru believes you might be better informed about those things than he is."
She smiled crookedly, before sobering as she thought of something else.
"You do realise that our children would be hanyou? It is just that I have heard the people talk – they do not seem to like the idea of having a hanyou child..."
His eyes widened slightly.
"I am aware of the fact – fear not, Lillia, my pups would be my own, and I would love them with every fiber of my being. While what you have said is true, no-one from our pack would ever dare to harm a pack-mate's pup – especially the alpha's offspring. The pack means everything to us. Whenever an inu fathers a hanyou – and is aware of this – he claims the child, raising it as his own. They are well-cared for."
"That's good to know. I would hate it if my children would be despised simply for being what they are – it's not like they have a say in this matter, really. So – would your people accept a human as your choice?"
"They would have to. No-one can force me to mate with anyone I do not want, or stop me from choosing whoever I want."
"So – we wouldn't need your parents' approval either?"
"No – though I very much doubt this would be a problem, as both are very fond of you."
"Do they – do they know?"
"Yes."
"Is that why your mother asked me all those things the other day? Did you put her up to this?", she asked, feeling her temper rise.
"No", he replied soothingly. "I mean, she did talk to you with the intent of extracting information from you – but the idea was hers."
"So she's on your side, then?"
"My mother wishes for my happiness, as any mother would, and she believes we would be a good match – furthermore, if we were to be mated, she would not lose you – you should not think yourself the enemy in this situation – rather the ally who still needs convincing."
"But you completely failed to consider what I want", she pointed out.
"Because we do not know. So mother went to find out. I am aware of the fact you do not feel the same way about me as I do about you, and that there is a high probability that you will refuse me. But I still have to try."
Suddenly, she understood why he had been so nervous earlier – he was afraid – afraid of her doing what he already expected her to do – refusing him. It somewhat frightened her, the fact she held so much power over a single person...
"So, no matter how I decide, it will have a great impact on us", she said quietly.
"Quite so."
Letting out a frustrated sound, she ran her hand across her face, before looking up at him again, pain and self-loathing clearly visible on her face.
"Sesshomaru-sama, you couldn't have found a person more ill-suited to get infatuated with..."
"I do not understand."
"Listen, I don't want to string you along, nor do I wish to deceive you – I do not believe I am capable of loving someone."
His eyes widened in shock, he stared at her as if she was a two-headed dragon.
"How is this possible? I always thought that emotions are what drives humans – especially the yearning for love."
"Oh, I yearn, all right – and it is not like I am completely incapable of feeling love. I have always cared a lot for my brothers – the younger one got injured once when we were home alone – I took it upon myself to get him the medicine he needed. It was a hot day, and I was driving myself to the brink of exhaustion – though I didn't realise that. All I knew was that he was in agony, and the longer it took me to return home, the longer he would suffer. I do feel love for family, and to some extend for my friends – but I doubt I could commit myself in such a way you have in mind. I have never been in love before, I don't know how to be in love – or how to trust. Deep down, there's still this fear – that I will be used again, hurt again. I told your mother the same thing – people made me like this. I was innocent once, pure, and trusting. And all that got me was pain."
"That bitch", he growled.
"Yes, she ruined me. But it wasn't her alone – though she was by far the worst. She held power over me – I wanted her to be my friend, needed her by my side. And I am certain she was well aware of that."
"Would you mind if I killed her for you?"
"You would have to wait a couple of centuries for her to be even born – but no, I wouldn't feel comfortable if you were running around killing people for my sake. I don't want to encourage this – though I'm certain I couldn't stop you, if you really intended to do that."
"Anyone who hurts you is my enemy – I will not allow this to happen again. But – do you think you could learn to trust this Sesshomaru – to love this Sesshomaru?"
"I don't know", she replied, her eyes widening with honest and utter helplessness. "It would take time, and I can't say how long – I need time, Sesshomaru-sama. I have to think this through – one word from me will determine your future, and that frightens me – I don't know what to do... If you were someone I hated, or didn't care about – then this would be simple. I would prioritise my happiness over yours – but – I do care about you, too much to willingly inflict pain on you. But – I - "
"Say no more."
His eyes were surprisingly gentle, and Lillia felt as if she was drowning in them.
"You are a very kind person, Lillia, one of the things I admire about you", he said quietly.
He raised his hand, very slowly, as to give her time to stop him or move out of the way, but she couldn't move – his hand came up to her face, and he gently caressed her cheek with the back of his fingers. Lillia's heart twisted in a way that was both painful, and physically impossible. In an almost unbearably sweet gesture, he touched his forehead to hers.
"Go to sleep", he murmured softly. "You have a lot to think about."
She tore himself away from his haunting gaze and hurried for the safety of her room, fearful of what she might do if this continued.
"As if I could sleep after that", she muttered, certain he would hear her.
Without looking back, she slid the door shut, before dropping face-down on her futon, burying her face in the cushion.
Just what have I gotten myself into?