***CHAPTER TEN***
Rose keeps an image in her mind of a thin, pale undernourished boy with bright blue eyes that light up whenever he sees her. She knew Richie had only phoned after all these years, to tell her Kane was seriously ill in hospital in the big smoke, because he couldn't be bothered with it all. She had meant to visit Kane only once but it tore at her heart to see the other children surrounded by visitors and gifts. She'd gone back home, packed some things, booked into a hotel she couldn't really afford and sat with him every day. Now he was better, running round the ward, up to mischief, laughing almost as much as the other kids. There was talk of his discharge and she was determined to set wheels in motion.
The journey from the city hospital has been long and hot and she gulps down the water Diane provides, her hand trembling as she returns the glass. If Diane is aware of anything, she doesn't show it. Richie drinks a beer and says nothing.
Finally Rose breaks the silence. "I want Kane back."
"No," Richie says simply, half amused.
"He's my child!" she screams at him.
"You gave him away, Rosey." This is a game to Richie. Small and skinny, Kane is a disappointment compared to sturdy Scott, but, now he's over the meningitis, he'll toughen him up further, indoctrinate him and Scott into the Phillips way of running things, fill the gap left by Joe.
"You know why I gave him away."
His face darkens. Diane shrinks back, afraid. For ten years Rose has never admitted it, even to herself. She takes a deep breath. "You raped me."
He laughs. "Now I don't think so, Rosebaby. You invited me in, made me at home..."
"You raped me. You know that as well as I do. Kane was born out of that rape. And I want him back."
She swings round to Diane for support, but violence is nothing new to Diane and for her own protection she has retreated into herself, not looking at either. He walks towards Rose, touches her arm lightly and she flinches as if touched by red hot coal. She'd thought she could do this, she'd thought she could be strong for her son's sake. But Richie has all the power and she crumples.
"Kane is mine," he says slowly, menacingly, his breath warm on her neck. "You'll never tell anyone what happened, and even if you did who would believe you?"
Rose backs away, shaking, knowing he's right. If she fights for custody of Kane the stigma of the rape might become public knowledge. And she's still not strong enough fo face that, not even for a small boy with bright blue eyes.
She pauses by the door, imagines she hears footsteps, but it's only her heart hammering against her chest. "I WILL see Kane. You won't stop me from seeing him at least." She sweeps from the house with her as much dignity as she can muster and collapses sobbing outside.
*****
Scott had finally slumped into a drunken stupor. His words had been like a physical blow. It took Kane an age to catch his breath and when he did and looked again at Auntie Rose - he still couldn't think of her as anything other than Auntie Rose - she was shaking. Or maybe that was himself. "What Scott said...my Dad...he did that to you? That makes me...part of both of you, part of everything..."
Rose wiped her eyes, tried to steady her voice. "It doesn't make you anything, Kane, other than my son. You're not to blame. You must never feel..."
"I don't know what I feel any more." Numb. Hurt, betrayed. Guilty and dirty and ashamed. Like the world is sinking, like the world has ended. Like your skin is crawling with a searing heat that touches every part of you, outside, inside, deep in the furthest recesses of your mind. The part of you that is you, the part of you that you might share slowly, slowly, little by little, the part of you that you might keep, every secret hope and dream, all of it torn out and trampled. "He really...he really did that...?"
Rose nodded, still crying. "Your Uncle Joe had died that day. I was distraught. He wasn't perfect, he'd been in and out of jail, we had our fights, but I'd always loved him. Richie called round to offer his sympathy. He'd been drinking quite a bit, but, like me, he was upset. We talked about Joe. Looked at old photos. Reminisced. I remember thinking Richie was pretty good company. And then things changed. He said now Joe was gone..." Her body tensed. "I told him no. I told him no over and over but he wouldn't listen." She looked at Kane, wondering whether to continue. The tears were streaming down his cheeks. "I never wanted you to know this."
"It's gotta be in me, hasn't it?" he said. "There's gotta be somethin' real evil in me from Dad."
"No! What he was didn't make you a..." she couldn't bring herself to say the word. "I understood better than anyone what Dani Sutherland was going through, but I owed you. I owed you at the very least for the first ten years of your life."
He ran his fingers through his hair, took a swig of whiskey from the half-empty bottle Scott had been nursing in his lap.
"Don't," Rose said.
"Why not? I'm just like my Dad." But he slammed the bottle down anyway.
"Kane, Richie thought he had the right to do what he did. You did a terrible thing, but when Dani made realise that, you accepted the responsibility, tried to change. You're nothing like your father."
He wanted to believe that, he really did, but Richie had stained him. He needed air. He went out outside, surprised by the daylight. Last night seemed a lifetime ago.
*****
"So you were right. It wasn't Kane," Dani finished.
"I knew it!" Kirsty flung her arms round her sister.
"I just thought you should know." Dani kept her arms folded and didn't return the hug. It was better this way. Don't get close to anyone and make it easier for them when the time comes. Let them remember you distant and cold when they turn back to their lives.
"What's going on?" Jade asked, sweeping into the room in a flurry of half-dress, looking for her ear-rings, catching Kirsty's look of relief and the unreturned hug.
Kirsty swung around, unable to hide her smile. "It was Scott Phillips who broke in. Not Kane! I knew all along it wasn't Kane."
"Big deal!"
"Jade...!"
"What do you expect me to say, Kirsty? So it wasn't Kane - well, bully for Kane! It doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do, he's still a monster, isn't he, Dan?"
"Whatever."
Kirsty jerked her head up. Wordlessly, she walked over and sat on the bed next to Dani.
"So...you're going out with Nick?" Dani asked.
Jade brightened, relieved she was okay. "We're meeting Bethany and Adam. We're going to the fair Beth and me went to the other week."
"Nice. Have a good time."
"Thanks. We will."
"You know I'm always here for you, don't you, Dani?" Kirsty said, as Jade left.
"I know. I'm fine."
Unlike Jade, though, Kirsty didn't look fooled.
*****
The blinding headache hit Rose suddenly. She tried to shout for Kane, but her thoughts jumbled together. There was a strange buzzing in her ears and a numbness down the right side of her body and finally a blackness.
Rose keeps an image in her mind of a thin, pale undernourished boy with bright blue eyes that light up whenever he sees her. She knew Richie had only phoned after all these years, to tell her Kane was seriously ill in hospital in the big smoke, because he couldn't be bothered with it all. She had meant to visit Kane only once but it tore at her heart to see the other children surrounded by visitors and gifts. She'd gone back home, packed some things, booked into a hotel she couldn't really afford and sat with him every day. Now he was better, running round the ward, up to mischief, laughing almost as much as the other kids. There was talk of his discharge and she was determined to set wheels in motion.
The journey from the city hospital has been long and hot and she gulps down the water Diane provides, her hand trembling as she returns the glass. If Diane is aware of anything, she doesn't show it. Richie drinks a beer and says nothing.
Finally Rose breaks the silence. "I want Kane back."
"No," Richie says simply, half amused.
"He's my child!" she screams at him.
"You gave him away, Rosey." This is a game to Richie. Small and skinny, Kane is a disappointment compared to sturdy Scott, but, now he's over the meningitis, he'll toughen him up further, indoctrinate him and Scott into the Phillips way of running things, fill the gap left by Joe.
"You know why I gave him away."
His face darkens. Diane shrinks back, afraid. For ten years Rose has never admitted it, even to herself. She takes a deep breath. "You raped me."
He laughs. "Now I don't think so, Rosebaby. You invited me in, made me at home..."
"You raped me. You know that as well as I do. Kane was born out of that rape. And I want him back."
She swings round to Diane for support, but violence is nothing new to Diane and for her own protection she has retreated into herself, not looking at either. He walks towards Rose, touches her arm lightly and she flinches as if touched by red hot coal. She'd thought she could do this, she'd thought she could be strong for her son's sake. But Richie has all the power and she crumples.
"Kane is mine," he says slowly, menacingly, his breath warm on her neck. "You'll never tell anyone what happened, and even if you did who would believe you?"
Rose backs away, shaking, knowing he's right. If she fights for custody of Kane the stigma of the rape might become public knowledge. And she's still not strong enough fo face that, not even for a small boy with bright blue eyes.
She pauses by the door, imagines she hears footsteps, but it's only her heart hammering against her chest. "I WILL see Kane. You won't stop me from seeing him at least." She sweeps from the house with her as much dignity as she can muster and collapses sobbing outside.
*****
Scott had finally slumped into a drunken stupor. His words had been like a physical blow. It took Kane an age to catch his breath and when he did and looked again at Auntie Rose - he still couldn't think of her as anything other than Auntie Rose - she was shaking. Or maybe that was himself. "What Scott said...my Dad...he did that to you? That makes me...part of both of you, part of everything..."
Rose wiped her eyes, tried to steady her voice. "It doesn't make you anything, Kane, other than my son. You're not to blame. You must never feel..."
"I don't know what I feel any more." Numb. Hurt, betrayed. Guilty and dirty and ashamed. Like the world is sinking, like the world has ended. Like your skin is crawling with a searing heat that touches every part of you, outside, inside, deep in the furthest recesses of your mind. The part of you that is you, the part of you that you might share slowly, slowly, little by little, the part of you that you might keep, every secret hope and dream, all of it torn out and trampled. "He really...he really did that...?"
Rose nodded, still crying. "Your Uncle Joe had died that day. I was distraught. He wasn't perfect, he'd been in and out of jail, we had our fights, but I'd always loved him. Richie called round to offer his sympathy. He'd been drinking quite a bit, but, like me, he was upset. We talked about Joe. Looked at old photos. Reminisced. I remember thinking Richie was pretty good company. And then things changed. He said now Joe was gone..." Her body tensed. "I told him no. I told him no over and over but he wouldn't listen." She looked at Kane, wondering whether to continue. The tears were streaming down his cheeks. "I never wanted you to know this."
"It's gotta be in me, hasn't it?" he said. "There's gotta be somethin' real evil in me from Dad."
"No! What he was didn't make you a..." she couldn't bring herself to say the word. "I understood better than anyone what Dani Sutherland was going through, but I owed you. I owed you at the very least for the first ten years of your life."
He ran his fingers through his hair, took a swig of whiskey from the half-empty bottle Scott had been nursing in his lap.
"Don't," Rose said.
"Why not? I'm just like my Dad." But he slammed the bottle down anyway.
"Kane, Richie thought he had the right to do what he did. You did a terrible thing, but when Dani made realise that, you accepted the responsibility, tried to change. You're nothing like your father."
He wanted to believe that, he really did, but Richie had stained him. He needed air. He went out outside, surprised by the daylight. Last night seemed a lifetime ago.
*****
"So you were right. It wasn't Kane," Dani finished.
"I knew it!" Kirsty flung her arms round her sister.
"I just thought you should know." Dani kept her arms folded and didn't return the hug. It was better this way. Don't get close to anyone and make it easier for them when the time comes. Let them remember you distant and cold when they turn back to their lives.
"What's going on?" Jade asked, sweeping into the room in a flurry of half-dress, looking for her ear-rings, catching Kirsty's look of relief and the unreturned hug.
Kirsty swung around, unable to hide her smile. "It was Scott Phillips who broke in. Not Kane! I knew all along it wasn't Kane."
"Big deal!"
"Jade...!"
"What do you expect me to say, Kirsty? So it wasn't Kane - well, bully for Kane! It doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do, he's still a monster, isn't he, Dan?"
"Whatever."
Kirsty jerked her head up. Wordlessly, she walked over and sat on the bed next to Dani.
"So...you're going out with Nick?" Dani asked.
Jade brightened, relieved she was okay. "We're meeting Bethany and Adam. We're going to the fair Beth and me went to the other week."
"Nice. Have a good time."
"Thanks. We will."
"You know I'm always here for you, don't you, Dani?" Kirsty said, as Jade left.
"I know. I'm fine."
Unlike Jade, though, Kirsty didn't look fooled.
*****
The blinding headache hit Rose suddenly. She tried to shout for Kane, but her thoughts jumbled together. There was a strange buzzing in her ears and a numbness down the right side of her body and finally a blackness.