Toji nuzzled Hikari, whispering something to her. She nodded, her eyes closed and her hands folded possessively on his and laying in her lap. Misato was talking to a Constabulary operator in full body armor: she was not in uniform yet, but it was clear that she was in charge wherever she went. Asuka listened to that with half an ear while focusing on Toji and Hikari.
He glanced over at Asuka, and nodded towards the coffee maker. "Tea or coffee?" she mouthed.
"Cocoa," he mouthed back, his other hand kneading a spot on Hikari's neck. She pressed her head against him, insistent that whatever he was saying, he keep saying it.
Asuka went to the coffee maker, which was right now empty of grinds. Instead, it was pumping hot water to serve everybody's needs at the moment. They had not evacuated the Directory (which would have been unrealistic, given the size and centrality of the building), and were using this spot on the fourth floor as a recovery ward. Large portions of the first and second floor were roped off, and the business of government continued around the crime scenes.
Searching for an instant cocoa packet, Asuka felt Misato come up next to her. "That cop said that there's reports of other attacks coming in from other cities," she said.
"What kind of attacks?" Asuka asked, standing up.
"Things like this. Also, bombings, no rhyme or reason as to the munitions involved. One blast used conventional dynamite, another was Semtex. One was even improvised napalm…" Her face was hard, and her words cold.
"How many?" Asuka whispered. Misato shrugged. "At least five, but they don't know for sure yet." Asuka nodded, looking back at Hikari.
"I was thinking that these guys and that cache…that they were connected. Now, I know," she said with conviction.
"Was there any doubt?" Misato asked. Asuka shrugged, pouring the brown powder into a cup and filling it with steaming water. The pair returned to Hikari and Toji, and she took the cup gratefully. Cocoa and chocolate weren't exactly rare these days, but it was hard enough to get in quantity. As it was, the southern islands of Japan had adopted the kind of climate ideal for cocoa growing, thanks to the warmer climate in general. A year ago, that hot cocoa packet would have been unheard of.
Toji stood, favoring his left leg, as Hikari sipped her cocoa. He looked worn out: the Survey Corps had been running constant sorties to try and root out more of the caches, and he had a thin growth of stubble.
"I'll say it again: thank you both so much. Especially you, Misato," he said, smiling weakly.
Misato shrugged. "Maybe this means I get a job?" Hikari snickered, but it was brief. Twenty-three civilian employees had been killed, and seven uniformed personnel had also lost their lives. At least thirteen people were injured, and it looked like two of them would probably be joining the dead soon. Hikari was one of the most socially active people at the Directory; she had known all of them, and three of them were considered good friends. She was worn out, sad, and exhausted.
Still, Misato's attempt at levity was not unrewarded, and Hikari replied quietly, "You can be certain to get a good word in from me, that's for sure." She sipped a little more cocoa, and asked Toji, "Can you see if they're going to ask anymore questions? I want to go home."
"Sure, hon," he said, leaning over to peck her gently on the forehead and tracking down one of the investigative team. Asuka watched him distantly as he left, limping. Normally, he walked fine, but his left leg sometimes troubled him when he was tired, or stressed, or the weather changed to rapidly. He was two out of three of those things right now, and running on caffeine and junk food.
As he walked, he passed Rei, standing still in her school uniform, staring intently at Asuka. The woman grimaced, and turned to Hikari. "Hey, pal," she said, leaning over, "I need to take a moment. Where's the nearest restroom?"
Asuka wedged the door shut behind her when she was certain the bathroom was empty. She braced herself against it for a moment, breathing heavily. For a moment, she bared her teeth, a feral grin of anticipation and anger. She then pushed herself away from the door, and walked over to one of the mirrors. She leaned over the sink, and stared at her reflection.
"Talk to me," she murmured, but there was no response. "You've been following me all day," she sneered, "Talk to me, Wonder Girl. I'm waiting."
The silence lingered, and for a brief moment, Asuka thought that there would be no response. She merely studied her eyes, one blue and one red. The legacy of Lilith. Damn her.
"You have been given all that you need," Rei said from behind her. Asuka didn't jump, didn't even acknowledge her presence. "Why have you not left?"
"You've become demanding," Asuka murmured, tracing a thumb underneath the red eye. A childish part of her thought, unbidden, that it looked kind of fetching. She hadn't thought very hard about it for a long time, and the Figment's arrival had made her ponder these things more heavily now.
"You act like you do not care about Shinji," Rei said in her flat voice. "For a time, I even believed that. I granted him his time with you, as much as that hurt me."
"Are you capable of feeling hurt?" Asuka said casually. "Or do you cut it off and cram it into a puppet so you don't have to?" That was an unkind thing to say in terms of her Rei, but she felt like leaving some low blows. If the Figment was capable of feeling insulted, that was: indications pointed to no.
"You are trying to deflect the issue. You have been told where Shinji has headed. You have not gone. You let him go without stopping him, and you have not made any attempt to find him. Why?" the Figment persisted.
"I can't believe we're having this conversation," Asuka snarled, whirling. The Figment stood meek and mild, unassuming and unthreatening. "What have you been doing? Watching us? Were we some…sort of…little project for you? Is that how you get your jollies off sitting on the pearly throne?" Asuka had known she was capable of killing. She knew she was capable of anger. She knew she was even capable of hate. She hadn't felt those things in a very long time, however, and now that combined in full force inside her. How she hated! "I could kill you right now. I could cut your head off right this minute and sleep like a baby tonight!"
The Figment said nothing for a moment, and finally said, "I see that you are ready to burn down the world again, as I suspected. This is a good sign, I think."
A lump of cold ice formed in Asuka's stomach. She thought of a half-seen shape, moving in the white smoke of burning phosphorus. Other, unbidden, wormy thoughts came to her mind.
"I hate you," she said quietly, "I call it a need, I hate you so much. I could give up…breathing just keep hating you."
"Why?" the Figment said. "What have I done that has hurt you so badly? That I watched those who were my friends live on this world, when I could not? That I gave you both the chance I could not have for myself? Did you think I gave you Shinji only because I cared about him?" That surprised Asuka, and she blinked at that, feeling herself pull back slightly. "I wanted him for myself. I wanted him so much…it cut me. It cut me like glass." All the rage Asuka felt subsided. There had been no change in the tone, but she was stunned by such open honesty from the Figment. The color of the words.
Why was she so furious? What had the Figment done? Cast Rei into the world? That made her mad, true, but why? Not this mad, surely.
"You loved him," Asuka said quietly. She had figured that, figured it for a long time. It was almost the bedrock of their contention in the past, among other things.
"I…do love him," the Figment said. "I could never rid myself of that. I did try. I thought I succeeded. It is like a virus. It will not leave me."
Asuka cocked her head to the side, and looked at the window on the far side of the bathroom. "You love him, too," the Figment said frankly. "I see the way it eats at you. All you have is the rhythm. You do not even care for that anymore." Asuka swallowed, and walked over to the milky white glass. She couldn't be angry at that invasion of privacy. There was no maliciousness in it. Not even bitterness.
"And yet you stay," the Figment said. Asuka swallowed.
In a trembling voice, she murmured, "You know a lot about me. You know why I'm staying."
"I would not say it," the Figment answered, but Asuka shook her head. "You need to say it," but still Asuka remained quiet. There was a moment's silence lingering, and from her elbow, she heard the Figment say the words she was avoiding.
"You are afraid."
Asuka sighed, feeling as though a great weight had been lifted. "Yeah," she said, quietly, "Yeah. Maybe."
"I do not understand why, though," the Figment said. "These feelings are confused to me. I cannot read the why or how of them. You are not afraid for yourself. You are not afraid of what is out there."
"I am afraid…" Asuka managed, "Of what I do when I am out there." She looked at the Figment, who was the picture of innocence. "I am afraid of what I become when I go out there." She shrugged. "I'm tired of killing things. It used to make me happy, you know? Genuinely thrilled. I loved it. All of it." Her mouth worked without sound for a moment, and she bit her tongue to manage it. "How is that normal?" she said. "That's sick. That is a sickness."
"You are not sick now," the Figment said.
Asuka laughed. "Oh, please, we've been sick from the day we were born! Look at us. Shinji was just a…shadow. Everyone's sock puppet and whipping boy. You had the emotional range of hammer. I…" she shuddered. "I was wrong. I was all sorts of wrong."
The Figment looked past Asuka, considering this. "You asked Shinji to stay."
Asuka flinched. "I think you mean 'begged.'"
"I was being generous," the Figment said, and Asuka smirked. "You asked him, and he still left. Did that seem like someone who would be pushed around?"
"That's not the point!" Asuka snapped. "He left me! He left me again!" She stared at the Figment, feeling blown open. "I know why he didn't help me on…that day. I know why. I even managed to forgive him for it, but…he left me. Again." She scoffed. "It just felt like he was running away…"
"In a way, he was," the Figment said. "But it was more than that. Something drew him, and he had to go. I do not know what it was, but he did not want to leave. He felt he had to."
Asuka processed that. "You know that for a fact? You can tell me that beyond a shadow of a doubt?" The Figment nodded, surprised that Asuka was even asking. "Huh," Asuka murmured, "That actually makes me…feel better. For some reason. Thanks."
"You are welcome, I suppose," the Figment replied. She leaned over, to get a better look at Asuka's face. The woman said nothing, leaning her head against the window.
"You should not be afraid of what you will do," the Figment said. "You are still you…but what you are is better." Asuka glanced over at the Figment, but she was gone. She heard a pounding on the door, and she shook her head, unbarring it. A few women and a Constable stood on the outside.
"What the hell d'you think you're doing?" he snapped. "People still need access to this room."
"I'm sorry," she said, brushing past him. "Just needed to be alone."
"We have offices sequestered for that," the Constable called after her. She found Misato and Hikari again, still seated where she had left them.
"I'm back to the apartment, okay? See you there," she said to Misato, and booked it before they could say anything.
"Hey, what…um…okay, bye," Misato said, surprised.
Asuka didn't hear her. Her mind was full, and her heart was reeling. She was making plans, though. She had a lot to do. She had to go find Shinji, after all.