Dear Diary,

Luka tried to give me a gift today. She apologised to me for being so controlling and gave me a plush toy in the shape of a pink kitten. I have to admit that it was cute, but I gave it back to her.

I hope she didn't realise that I was on the verge of tears. "I can't accept this," I told her. "Take it back. I don't want it."

Before Luka could ask me why I didn't accept her gift, I turned around and walked back into my room. I'm glad I have my own room and don't have to share a room with Luka. That would be awkward in a way. I wouldn't know what to talk to her about before we go to sleep. Does thinking that mean that our relationship is doomed?

Stay on topic, Miku. Anyway, I cried in my room for at least ten minutes. Now, you may be wondering why I didn't accept her gift or her apology. You probably think I'm really stubborn, don't you, Diary?

Well, to be honest with you, when she tried to give me that gift she reminded me of Daddy. Is that wrong? I still remember desperately wanting to tell Mummy to reject Daddy's gifts and stick up for herself, but she never did. It frustrated me to no end.

For a split second I worried that Luka might have been abusive to me. I mean, I know that she didn't hurt me physically, but she did try to control me. Daddy used to control Mummy all the time. He decided what clothes she wore, when she ate and when she went out. Whenever she came home late he would threaten her with divorce and sometimes even death.

Mummy tried to hide the abuse from me, but I heard every fight they had. I knew why she had bruises on her face and why she didn't have a job anymore. I could see the pain she felt even though she always smiled in front of me.

Anyway, I don't want Luka to become like Daddy. At first it was hard to imagine her as being at all like Daddy, but now she's beginning to worry me.

Then again, maybe her jealous actions are her way of showing me that she loves me. She clearly cares about me and maybe she had good intentions when she tried to steer me away from Neru. If only she knew that Neru would never hurt me. Neru's too kind.

Okay, I know that Neru was mean in the past, especially to Haku, but I think she's changed. She always gives me a smile every morning at school and she says hello to me when Luka's not around. Sometimes we have conversations about different things such as school and TV shows. I'm glad to be her friend. At least, I think I'm her friend.

Wow, I should probably see someone about my tendency of going off on tangents. Anyway, I really should have told Luka why I didn't accept her gift. She's probably really mad at me. Oh well. I don't think I'll be able to explain things without bursting to tears.

How much should I tell her about my life in an abusive household? She hasn't asked me too many questions about it, but I can tell that she wants to know a lot more about it. Sometimes I want to keep my experience to myself and other times I want to tell everyone I know about it. Maybe I should see a psychologist too, just like Luka, but I don't know how to contact one. I guess I should ask Luka about it. If she wants to talk to me at all, that is.

Ugh. I really need to end this fight between us. I should tell her that I forgive her and don't need a gift from her. I honestly just want to give her a hug and a kiss. I already miss her kisses.

Wow, that makes me sound desperate. I guess I am. I probably shouldn't still love her after what happened, but I just can't help it. I want to see her cute smile again. Seriously, during those rare times when she does smile, I have trouble breathing and have to remind myself to breathe in and out. It's pathetic, I know.

I want to go on a date with her, but I don't know where and when. We have school to worry about, of course, though Luka seems to be doing fine. I mean, I'm passing but just barely.

Ugh, I must stay on topic! Concentrate, Miku. As I was saying, I guess I could take her to the movies or something. Oh, I know! 'Moshi Moshi, Mirai' is on now, isn't it? It's a romantic comedy so I know I'll love it, and I think Luka will too. Let's just hope for the best.

It would be nice if there were any lesbian themed movies out in cinemas, but I don't think there are. Oh well. I think those kind of movies are usually indie films, so I'd love to see a mainstream lesbian film. If such a movie existed, would Luka be willing to watch it with me?

I think it's about time we start being open about our relationship at school. At first I was worried about being bullied, but I don't really care anymore. I mean, when we had that fight I did kind of admit to us being in a relationship and no one's picked on us yet, so all I need to do is confirm what everyone at school is thinking.

Okay, it seems that I need to make a checklist of things I want to do. First of all, get back together with Luka. Secondly, go on a date with her. Thirdly, come out to my classmates. That shouldn't be too hard, right?

From Miku.