CHAPTER TEN

Scully went further downhill in the next few days, lost in the sad memories of her little boy. Mulder felt useless as all he could do was try to comfort her, but he feared she was too far gone for him to make any difference…

He looked over to her, through the front door as she sat on the terrace, a large glass of red wine in her right hand as she sat on the wooden love seat, her face covered by her left. She had been drinking a lot in the last few days, but who was he to judge? He was hurting too, but he had to be the strong one, she was in pieces. He had never seen her this upset before regarding William.

And he was surprised that he was upset too that she wasn't pregnant. He had had to take a moment to himself this morning in the bathroom, away from her. He didn't want her to see him cry.

He had to be her shoulder to cry on.

Mulder sighed heavily as he watched her, knowing that she was deep in thought and sadness. Her shoulder length red hair was loose and lank, it seemed to be losing its beautiful colour slightly. Mulder noticed this whenever she was sick or exhausted, it would dull a little, but she was always beautiful to him. He leant forward on the sofa and checked his watch. It was 4.30pm and he wanted her to eat something tonight. She hadn't eaten anything for as long as he could remember.

His brow furrowed with heavy concern as he saw her take a larger gulp from the wine glass.

Should he go out there to comfort her?

The humid air was putting him on edge as he fought with his emotions, trying to decide what to do. But she answered his thoughts, as he heard her call for him.

"Mulder?"

He stood up immediately and pursed his lips together anxiously, then paced towards her.

He took a deep breath as he walked up to the front door, leaning against it and folding his arms. He felt his heart ache as he looked down at her, her skin paler than usual. All he wanted to do was hold her.

"Hi." He said in a soft voice. "You ok?"

"Yes, I just wanted to make sure you were still here." Scully said, her voice wavering slightly.

Mulder frowned in confusion and felt his heart call out for her as she said these words. He immediately bent down to her level and placed his hand on her knee, looking up at her with loving concern. She lowered her hand from her face and shot him a small smile, then reached out for his hand which was resting on her knee, which he laced into his quickly and squeezed reassuringly.

"Of course I'm here. Why would you even ask that?"

Mulder searched her face for answers. Was she thinking she had pushed him away? He saw her lower lip tremble with the threat of tears and he really hoped that she wouldn't cry.

"I… I don't know…" She said in a whisper, then pushed the thought away with another sip of wine. "I guess I thought that may be you had had enough of me."

Mulder frowned in hurt and confusion. The wine was making her appear slightly lightheaded and her speech was slightly more drawn out than usual, he knew that she had been drinking all day and hadn't eaten. Also the sunshine had probably made the effect of alcohol worse.

He tried to push his feelings of sadness and hurt away as he knew that she was going through a huge ordeal. He had to be understanding.

"I don't want to hear you talk like this again. You know that nothing would ever make me leave you. Nothing."

Scully raised her eyebrow at him questioningly, as if she didn't believe him. Mulder was more hurt by that, but he forced himself to remain strong. He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it softly, and she seemed to soften slightly as his touch. Mulder saw her crumble slightly, as if she was sorry for what she had just said.

"I'm sorry Mulder." She blurted out, a single tear running down her cheek as she met his gaze. Mulder sighed heavily and nodded in response, to tell her that it was ok. But Scully was now looking out towards the countryside surrounding their home and her blue eyes looked as though they was lost in thought, her mind elsewhere, as if she was imagining something...

"What is it?" Mulder observed.

"It's so beautiful out there." Scully whispered in a distant voice. Mulder turned to follow her eye line and then turned back to her with a frown.

"It is..."

"William would have loved it here, don't you think? So much space to run around in, to play ball…" She said, her voice drifting off slightly. Mulder felt his heart ache with pain as he heard her speaking this way. He had always imagined playing ball with William. It was one of the images that came to haunt him in his dreams, what he could be missing out on.. "Do you think he plays ball Mulder?"

She was looking directly at him again and her blue eyes glistened in the afternoon sun. Mulder clasped onto her hand for dear life as he tried not to show any heart ache.

"Yes. I do." Mulder managed in a small voice, blinking back the hot tears which were threatening to fall. Scully didn't seem to notice his sadness, which he was relieved about. He kissed her hand again and desperately tried to change the subject.

"Come on, I need you to eat something tonight." Mulder said, trying to get her attention again as her eyes drifted out to the fields once more.

"I'm not hungry."

"Scully, you haven't eaten for days. Please, my love. You have to eat something."

She sighed heavily and closed her eyes for a moment, as if the question he was asking her was too difficult to deal with right now.

He just wanted her to eat something, a slice of toast, a piece of fruit… anything…

"All right." She breathed finally, opening her eyes and catching his deep, loving gaze again and surrendering to it. Mulder felt his heart lift with relief as he slowly got back to his feet, pulling her arm up towards him gently.

"Come on, let's get inside." He said softly.

"Mulder, I'm going to cook. It's not fair you cooking all the time." Scully said suddenly, then she was getting to her feet, which Mulder noticed were a little unsteady. He reached out to help her but she brushed him off, seemingly determined to do things herself. "No! I'm ok. I don't need help, I have been planning on cooking something for you for a few days. You go and sit down on the sofa and I will cook… dinner…" She said between taking a last sip of the wine, finishing it.

Mulder opened his mouth to speak in disagreement but she was already through the front door and staggering into the kitchen. He watched her with uneasy concern. He didn't want her to cook, but he knew that there was no choice in the matter. Scully wasn't going to take no for an answer.

"All right, but I'm going to sit here and make sure you are ok." Mulder said, sighing with a little frustration as he walked over to the kitchen table and sat down, watching her opening the refrigerator door and pulling out plate of beef.

"No Mulder, I'm ok. Just go and watch some TV, I will be right there." She said stubbornly, then waved her hand towards him to get out of the kitchen.

Mulder paused for a second, but then forced himself to leave her. He knew that Scully was incredibly independent and when she was on a roll with something, there was no way he could stop her. He told himself that she probably needed this, as it would take her mind off William…

"All right." Mulder said with difficulty.

At least she was doing something, and she was going to eat.

It was going to be ok, she would get better.

Mulder felt a wave of relief wash over him, although he wanted to keep an eye on her. He let her get on and switched on the TV, but he wasn't really watching it. As the minutes went past he heard her working away in the kitchen, louder and more clumsily than usual.

He settled down on the sofa and turned his attention to the news anchor talking about falling stock prices…

"Arghhh! SHIT! God..Dammit!"

He jumped out of his seat and to his feet as he heard her cry out.

He had heard the pain and shock in her voice. It was undeniable.

Mulder turned around and saw the terrible sight of her holding her hand in pain like a small child, trying to protect it from further damage. Blood was pouring from her hand and to the kitchen floor.

"Scully!" He exclaimed in panic as he ran towards her, then grabbed onto her arms to keep her steady. Her blue eyes were staring at her finger in shock. Mulder guided her towards the kitchen table and noticed her face was pale as she stared at her injury. "It's ok Dana, sit down." He said as calmly as he could.

"I need to dress it… Mulder I need a bandage…" Her voice was drawn and Mulder could hear the frustration and annoyance in it. But she was in no state to look after herself right now. He had to do it.

"I know, I know…" He said gently, trying to remain calm as he saw the deep cut that Scully had. He felt slightly nauseous as he saw that she had really gone to town on it. "It's ok, just sit down."

It had gone right down to the bone and there was a lot of blood. He hated blood.

"Mulder! The bandages in the bathroom!" She cried out through gritted teeth and then to Mulder's shock she staggered back to her feet, but Mulder grabbed onto her again and stopped her.

"Scully sit down!" He snapped, causing her to look at him in shock. But he didn't care, he wanted her to stay still. "I'm going to get them now, just stay there!"

Scully frowned in anger at herself, her heart beating fast with a mixture of alcohol and adrenaline.

How could she had been so stupid? So careless?

She had just been cutting up some carrots for gods sake…

"Mulderrrr!" She groaned in desperation as her hand was throbbing. She could dress it herself, she was a Doctor for gods sake!

She could do it. What was taking him so long?!

"Mulder! Mulder hurry up!" She blurted out, her mouth dry from all the alcohol she had drank today. She knew that she was in a sorry state right now, and she hated herself for it.

Mulder reappeared in the kitchen and Scully noticed how panicked he looked. He was not good with blood.

Poor Mulder, he really didn't have to do this…

"It's ok Mulder. Just... gimme.. give me the bandage." She slurred, the blood now all over the table. She held out her free hand to him but he ignored her and sat down in front of her then pulled the bandage from the plastic coating with his teeth. Scully frowned at him in annoyance, the alcohol now fueling her further. "Mulder! Just give it to me!"

"No Scully! Stop it!" He snarled at her, then grabbed onto her arm and pulled it towards him so he could examine her. "Just... just shut up for a minute!"

Scully opened her eyes wide in shock at his words. He had never, ever told her to shut up...

"Wha ... What?!"

"I said be quiet! Please Scully, I need to concentrate. You are really hurt here, it's gone right down to the bone." Mulder said firmly.

"Mulder it's fine! Let me do it!" She exclaimed, tears now springing to her eyes as Mulder bound her finger tightly with the bandage and the pain started to throb. But he continued to ignore her. To Scully's surprise, it actually looked like he wasn't doing a bad job… "Mulder!" She exclaimed, but now she was taken aback by the care he was taking not to hurt her. He was so gentle with her and he was not listening to her cries. And she knew that this must be difficult for him, as he was not skilled like her. She tried not to judge him.

Scully blinked the tears from her eyes and they ran down her cheeks as she watched Mulder take care of her. She saw that he was not going to take any more of her shit. And she deserved that. Of course, she was hurting, but she was also being stubborn.

And he was looking after her, and for her own good.

She knew that she had been drinking a lot, and that Mulder was right to do this for her. Deep down, she now realized this. It had just taken her longer to come to her senses as she was lost in a sea of wine, her mind blurred and irrational.

She started to sober up as he finished dressing her wound, then he slowly raised his eyes to hers. Scully felt her heart soar with love and emotion as he looked into her soul with so much concern. She let out a small, embarrassed sob and he pulled his chair closer to hers in response. She knew that he was going to comfort her, and she wasn't even sure she deserved that right now. Scully felt her heart skip a beat as he reached out to her face and cupped it with his free hand.

She was trying so hard not to cry, but it was impossible not to.

"All done." Mulder whispered gently, brushing a piece of hair behind her ear. Scully nodded silently and bit her bottom lip. She couldn't speak. She suddenly felt incredibly foolish. "I'm sorry Scully, but you were in no state to do that…"

"I know." She spoke over him, her voice wavering with tears. "I know Mulder."

There was a silence between them and she felt her chest rise and fall heavily as the tears ran down her cheeks. She was blushing heavily.

"I'm sorry." She breathed weakly, hanging her head low with shame. Mulder didn't let her feel this way for long, and he pulled her into an embrace, wrapping his arms around her as she cradled her cut hand in front of her. Mulder hugged her protectively.

"Mulder I need to go to the hospital. I think it needs stitches." She said finally, pulling away from him. Mulder looked into her sad, deep eyes and felt his heart ache. He reached up to her face and brushed away her tears with his thumb. "I feel so stupid. I'm drunk for god's sake."

"You're not that drunk. Trust me, I have been in worse states." Mulder said with a small smile, in an effort to lighten the mood.

"I can't go to work. I can't show my face like this." She said sadly, a fresh tear running down her cheek again. Scully felt a wave of shame flow over her. How could she be so selfish?

Surely Mulder was hurting too?

"All right. We won't. We will go to a different one. Come on, let's go." Mulder said softly as he brushed the fresh tear away.

"I'm so sorry Mulder. For everything, I have been acting so badly. The things I've said to you… I haven't even asked you how you feel about all of this…" Scully said, her voice getting faster as her emotions took over and she was crying again, which made Mulder's heart ache with sadness.

He hated seeing her like this.

"Stop it." He said simply, then pulled her into another embrace. "It's ok..." He repeated into her ear gently, "It's ok... I'm ok..."

But it was not ok.

Mulder was hurting. He felt guilty for what he had started.

Although he knew it was slightly irrational, he felt guilty for everything that Scully was feeling.

HE was the reason that she had been abducted in the first place.

HE was the reason that she had become barren.

HE was the reason that she become pregnant

HE was the reason that she had to give up her little boy

HE was the reason for Scully's pain

He was the reason for it all...

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