Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy or Angel or any of their associate characters. They belong, unfortunately, to Joss and ME. I'm just using them for my imagination and entertainment purposes.

Author's Note: flashbacks are in Italics.

White Flag

We've taken the scenic route to get to here. It is hard not to think about what had happened in the last few months. I felt like I've been on a roller coaster ride and the intensity nearly had me having a heart attack. First was the shock, then the pain, finally the despair. Just when I thought that I could get back on my feet again, something unexpected happened…

He turns. The beast that consumed him was fading, I had known that much. Now, all I saw was him, the face that I had longed to see for so long. "Buffy?" Oh God, he…

He slowly walks towards me. I don't know if I should back away or not, but my feet didn't budge. I was unmovable because he spoke to me, saying that word that I thought I would never hear again. He falls and clutches himself around me. I dropped my jaw wanting to say something. Anything. But every word refused to come out and I was just left standing there. Unsure of what to do.

But then, something happened that surprised me. He started to cry. I…I couldn't comprehend what was going on. Everything happened so fast I thought I was going to trip and fall. I think I just did. All the dreams, all the hope had come back to me, but the fear of it all, I knew was still very much alive. Now, having him back and not knowing if this is real, the emotions fought inside my heart. And the tears…before I could process the situation, they just fight their way to surface. I wanted to…actually, I don't think I know what I wanted to do. This can't be happening…

I still couldn't believe it at times. But as time moved on, so did my suspicions. But then, a bigger fear washed over me. Giles and the gang. I didn't tell them about him. Instead, they found out the hard way. I had such a busy time defending my "secret" and trying to be on the level with my decisions that I think I forgot about how the whole thing affected them. I was stupid, because I realised that I should just have told them in the first place. Maybe things would have turned out differently. What were the words I used as an excuse? Oh yeah, "I wanted to make sure…"

But I ensured them that what happened last year won't happen again. The truth was, though, I didn't know myself if we can do so. But does matter, because as much as I can doubt myself, at least they won't have to worry about it. I think. I mean, we really just want to be friends. Nothing more. I tried so hard to convince myself that I can live with him at an arm's length, that the emotions somehow had gotten more intense. Maybe Spike was right about one thing though…

"You're not friends." Spike hit a nerve just then. How does he know? "You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both." I think that was already proven last year. I killed him and that in turn killed me. "You'll fight, you'll shag, you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends."

I glanced at Angel. He was staring at me too. Oh boy, there the familiarity returns and the intensity increases. I think he was thinking the same thing I was. Spike was actually making sense of the whole thing. I don't know if I should be relieved or disappointed. No, I can't look at him anymore. There is nothing to say, nothing between us. We are just…

"Real love isn't brains, children, it's blood, it's blood screaming inside you to work its will."

I still love him. I guess it doesn't matter which I want to look at it, I still love him. That love, I can't deny, and there is no way that I can shake it out of my system. It is trying to get its way. I'm beginning to think that I should just give up and let it take over me. No, I guess I can't. I don't need another roller coaster ride down emotional lane again. Certainly not another apocalypse.

I wanted to stop the madness. Determined not to see him again. I keep telling myself that if I stay away from him, I can attempt to move on and forget about him. But convince never works, because the more I think about it, the more I keep thinking about him. About what we had, what we could have, or even what we are doing now. It feels like that every time I try to do the right thing, it always come back to bite me.

"Giles, we have do something." Anything. "Soon. Now."

"I'm still not sure what."

"Find me these priest guys. Find me something I can pummel." I don't know, I just need to get him out of there. That place I can't imagine of. Just let me do something…

"Let's not lose our heads." He doesn't have a solution.

"Giles, he's slipping." No, I didn't just say that…did I? I…I think it was the right word though. Seeing him like that, I think my heart just skipped a beat. "I think we're losing him." The words almost got caught in my throat as I think about the implementations of that.

"You realise, if he truly becomes a danger, you may have to kill him. Again." I just stared at Giles. Not blankly because I definitely heard him say it. I just didn't want to hear it. The truth is, though, I have thought about that question. I just don't have an answer to it. "Can you do that?"

I didn't answer him…really, I didn't have an answer to give to him. The mere thought of going down memory lane again just makes my gut turn inside out. I think I'm getting pretty good at avoiding things like that. I think a huge part of me doesn't want him out of my life. As much as I want to do the right thing, I know that I can't deny the love that I have and the desire for him to be a part of my life.

"What about me?" Everything he said just hit me like a blow in the chest. I could feel myself sinking to the ground, the defensive shell around me weakening and crumbling. "I love you so much…" Did you hear me? I still love you. "And I tried to make you go away…I killed you and it didn't help."

I still love you after all that you have done to me. Do you know how much that kills me?! I shoved him off and gets up. I am tired of this crap! "And I hate it! I hate that it's so hard…" I hate that I love you despite everything. I hate myself for not being stronger. I hate it that I can't make myself forget and stop loving you. I hate it that every time I want to move on, you come back into my life. I hate that you left and left me here alone. I hate that you don't care enough about me and leave me again. I hate that I can't help you. I hate that we have to be like this. I hate…

"I know everything that you did, because you did it to me." Do you know the hell you have put me through these last few months? Do you even care? "Oh, God! I wish that I wished you dead." I did, but could not bring myself to think about it. You are still a big part of me. "I don't."

The tears seemed to flow on forever, not wanting to stop. I don't even have the strength to tell you…tell myself... "I can't." I still love you.

As we walk hand-in-hand in the snow, I finally realised something. Love conquers all. You can't win love because it lies in all of us.

I think I've finally put up a white flag…