A/N: I don't own Skulduggery, Valkyrie, Darquesse, Ghastly, Anton or Saracen. Val's in her 20s, obviously.

Skulduggery Pleasant was arguing with Darquesse again. The other Dead Men sighed. Ever since Valkyrie had been outed (and you can take that however you want, sugar) and agreed to fight with them as Darquesse the two had been snarling insults at one another. Half the time Skulduggery started it, OK, he stared it all the time and if you've read the novels you know that is so true. Darquesse of course had clearly had enough.

"I said shut up, Skulduggery!" She barked and Skulduggery snarled in return, then the two were rolling around the campsite like they usually did, trading punches. Ghastly sighed and grabbed Skulduggery as Anton grabbed Darquesse. They pulled the two apart but it didn't help matters because Skulduggery just wouldn't shut up. I mean seriously, when does he ever?

"You know, Darquesse, your clothes are ugly." He taunted in glee.

"What. Did. You. Say?" Darquesse ground out through clenched teeth and Ghastly hoped she'd hit Skulduggery. He really did. They were the clothes he had made, after all.

"I said your clothes are ugly, but then, so are you." Skulduggery teased. The Dead Men, having common sense, ran, leaving the pair alone. Amazingly, Darquesse didn't lash out with her shadows. She didn't pull Skulduggery apart or grind him into dust. Instead she did something worse, a lot worse. The squeamish should turn away now. Seriously. Turn away, that's it.

Darquesse smiled a sweet smile. The kind of smile women get on their face when they feel homicidal and are reeling men in. Skulduggery, thinking all was well swaggered up to her and snapped his teeth in her face. He was after all flirting with her, just doing a really rubbish job of it.

Darquesse looked at him, then took his hat. Skulduggery got rather nervous. "Ugly, huh?" She asked, toying with the hat and he would have gulped if he could have. "Both me and my clothes, huh?" She continued, her grip on the hat going tight. Skulduggery thought he might swoon.

"I was flirting with you and doing a rubbish job of it?" He offered hopefully, sadly Darquesse didn't believe him. Well she did, but she was Darquesse. So of course she had to get revenge. She brought up her shadows and was playfully tossing Skulduggery's hat in the air with them.

Up and down it went, up and down, until she missed and it fell it a mud puddle. "Aww, let me get that for you, sweetie." she said, then used her shadows to drag the hat through the mud, ruining it, then through some brambles to dunk it in the nearby river. Then onto the fire to dry it out.

She then took the muddy, bramble-filled, sodden and charred mess and slapped it firmly back on Skulduggery's skull. "All better." She sang. Darquesse laughed then, her usual evil laugh, because let's admit it, she is evil, and walked away.

Skulduggery peeled off his hat with a wail of despair. The clothes made the man and his hat finished off his suit. He through the whole sodden mess in the fire and sat down heavily. It broke his heart to loose his hat, his wonderful hat. And getting his heart broken made Skulduggery angry, so I'm sure you all know where this is going.

Skulduggery stood up with a roar and where Skulduggery had stood Lord Vile was now standing. Neat trick, huh? A rather angry Lord Vile that caught up with Darquesse and used his shadows to rip her beloved coat off of her. A coat he then sliced to ribbons in front of her horrified eyes with said shadows.

Then the two were rolling on the ground and trading punches, as usual.

Ghastly, looking on from a safe distance with the other Dead men sighed. "Why doesn't he just tell her he loves her?" He asked, exasperated.

Saracen snorted. "He has, and she told him. That's how those two get along. The last time the actually argued they leveled four blocks in Dublin, remember?"

"Right you are. Let's leave them to it then."

"Yes, let's."

OK, that should be it.