Holy hell was I blocked on this chapter, I think the main reason is that there is a pretty major plot element that I was seriously debating whether or not to include, well actually I was always going to include it but I didn't know whether to put it in the last chapter or epilogue or throw it in the middle of the story as a major plot point. Of course, angst whore that I am I decided on the latter, I just hope that you approve of the decision and don't think that there will be too much going on in this fic because of it. In any case thank you for being so patient.
She was up all night, she tried to pretend that she wasn't but he could tell. The thought of being up on that stand terrifies her, the thought of them asking questions about her past is what is especially unnerving. Sue warned them that they would try to make her look crazy, that going for the insanity defense worked less than one percent of the time and that making her look unstable would only work in Brody's favor. Honestly it didn't matter whether they thought she was crazy or simply malicious, she would still end up somewhere far away from him if her actions weren't considered justified. It was the only way.
He could barely focus in his first two classes that day, the truth is he hadn't been able to focus for the past several days. He doesn't notice a lot of things that happen at PS 42 since Rachel's arrest. He doesn't notice that his students have come to class on time every day for two weeks, he doesn't notice that the lowest grade on the last quiz was a D minus, he doesn't notice that Ryder raises his hand to answer a question three days in a row and that he answers correctly twice. Sure he knows that these things are happening, he sees them happening, he processes them happening, he doles out the necessary 'good job' and nice work and 'high five' every time, but he can't bring himself to feel excited, or inspired or proud, aside from worried and sad and ashamed he doesn't feel much of anything, and he knows deep down that his students can tell. He doesn't talk about Rachel in class, not even really when they ask, and they do ask because these kids have never understood boundaries. He doesn't mind them asking, it's actually nice knowing that they care, but he still can't bring himself to talk about what's going on.
"Okay, you're going to turn your books to chapter 6," Finn says upon entering his classroom.
"Mr. Hudson, we finished chapter six yesterday," Kitty reminds him, rolling her eyes a little. "And I'm sure it will be every bit as boring the second time."
"Sorry," Finn says, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Sorry, I meant chapter seven." They oblige. And he uncaps his pen, writing reconstruction on the board.
"Mr. Hudson I thought we were still on the Civil War," Ryder chimes in.
"Do you want to teach this class?" Finn snaps, regretting it instantly as Ryder shrinks down in his seat.
"I'm sorry," Finn sighs. "I didn't mean to lash out like that."
"Mr. Hudson, did you take your meds this morning? Because I don't think any of us want to get hit by any mugs today," Kitty says, an unexpected softness in her tone.
"Yeah, it's not that, honest." He says, and he notices how troubled they all look, and he hates people worrying about him for any reason, it's all Rachel or Kurt or his parents ever did.
"Why do we study History, can anyone tell me?" Finn suddenly says, getting an idea.
"Because teachers live to torture us," Jake says sullenly.
"Well yeah," Finn jokes, "But there's another, more important reason. Listen, I want you all to do something and it's going to seem a little strange but just trust me okay."
They hesitantly nod and Finn continues.
"Everybody take your desks and move them into a big circle around the room," Finn continues, and even as they look baffled they begin to move their desks, it takes about five minutes to arrange them in just the right way so they fit without creating a fire hazard.
"Today we're going to talk about our own history, because we study history to learn from it right? And to keep the bad things from repeating themselves."
"Is this like a therapy session?" Kitty quips.
"It's a lesson, just trust me okay," Finn says. "We're going to start with Ryder, what is a moment in your own history that you would never want to live through again?"
"Do I have to?" Ryder murmurs.
"No, not if you don't want to, but I know that teenagers love to talk about themselves so I'm sure that one of you would like to get us started."
It takes a few moments, a few long moments, but somebody finally raises their hand, it's the girl from the first day, the girl trying to break up the fight, he doesn't know much about her because she barely says anything in class, only when she's called on really, but her average is a solid B plus and her name is Marley Rose, and she seems nice enough.
"Marley, go ahead," Finn says, and she seems a bit surprised that he even knows her name.
"It was last semester," she starts. "I was the only freshmen to get a lead role in the school play, and it wasn't just a lead role, it was the lead role."
"Which you botched quite thoroughly I might add," Kitty says snarkily.
"Kitty, enough," Finn says sternly. "Go on."
"Anyway," Marley continues. "I was so excited, and so nervous, I wanted more than anything to be perfect, to make my mom proud and to prove that I deserved to be on that stage, right down to looking absolutely perfect in my costume, so I put everything into the play, I would practice for hours, and when I wasn't practicing I was running for ten miles a day on less than 800 calories. When the play came along I could barely remember my lines I was so foggy, and before the second act I had faceplanted on the stage. Needless to say everybody hated me, I mean at this school we don't get a lot of moments to shine, most people think the majority of us will end up in jail or dead, so maybe I just wanted to prove to everyone that I, that all of us could be something more. But instead I just ruined it for everyone. It's my biggest regret."
She's started to cry by the end of her story, and he says nothing as he gets up to hand her a box of Kleenex. He didn't think any of them would get so personal with it, he thought maybe they'd talk about stealing money from their mom's purse or something.
"That's… that's good, I really appreciate your honesty Marley," he says with a warm smile. "Okay," he continues "In your mind your actions ruined everything, what happened after that?"
"What do you mean?" Marley says, pulling herself together.
"I mean did the drama program at this school shut down forever?"
"No," Marley answers, not sure what he's getting at.
"I wasn't here when that happened but I'll bet that tickets had to be refunded that first night, then maybe an understudy took your place for the remaining nights."
"Um, yeah, that's pretty much what happened," Marley says.
"What about you?" Finn continues. "I mean clearly you're still here, and you haven't done any passing out since you've been here, so there must have been something that that experience taught you that kept it from happening again, right?"
"My mom, she sent me to a shrink," Marley admits. "I didn't want to go at first, we couldn't really afford it, and also thought the only people who went to therapists were crazy people, no offense."
"None taken," Finn says with a chuckle
"But I went, and in spite of everything it helped, I learned a lot about myself, I learned a lot about what led me to do what I did."
"Have you tried out for any other plays since then?" Finn asks.
"No," Marley says quietly.
"Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea," Finn says. "History isn't always about failure, a lot of times it's about redemption, second chances."
"What about the people who don't get second chances?" Marley says.
"As long as the Earth is still spinning there can always be a second chance, if not for you than for the people who follow in your footsteps. Slavery happened in America, we can't pretend that it didn't, but the purpose of history, of studying those dark moments in our past is to make sure that they don't become our future."
Marley nods at his statement, and a small half smile reaches her lips.
"Who's next?" Finn continues.
Only about half of the class comes forward with stories, some of them more painful then others, and by the time class is over Finn at least has his mind off of everything going on for awhile, until of course the inevitable question comes up.
"So what about you?" Kitty speaks up. "What's the bit of history you never want repeated? Does it have something to do with why you've been such a zombie in class lately?"
It's only fair, he thinks to himself.
"Well, you all know that I spent some time in a psychiatric hospital right?" Finn starts hesitantly. "What you don't know is that I was in the hospital because I… I tried to kill myself," he admits, and by the look on his students faces he can tell that was the last thing they were expecting. "It was almost eight years ago, I had stopped taking my medication for my bipolar disorder and I took a swing at my stepdad in the middle of an argument. My family started to avoid me and I got so depressed that I couldn't see any other way out, so I cut my wrists," at that he pulls up the sleeve of his shirt and shows his wrist. "It was a dark time in my past that I had to learn from, and right now somebody that I love very much is going through a dark time of her own. And a lot of that has to do with me."
"Her, you mean the lady in your picture right?" Ryder says.
Finn simply nods. "Look, I'm sorry that I haven't been myself lately—
"Hey that's okay, yourself is like five different guys so it's cool," Jake jokes.
"But," Finn continues. "I promise that I'm not going to let history repeat itself, not for me, or her or any of you guys, okay?"
"Gotcha Mr. Hudson," Kitty says with a warm smile.
"And with that it's time for an assignment," Finn continues, getting a groan from the whole class. "Come on it's not that bad," Finn assures them. "By Friday I want you to take a dark moment in American history and apply it to something from your own life, take a lesson from that moment in the past, how it happened and how they overcame it, it could be anything, from any time, I just think it's about time you all started seeing the relevance in our country's past."
"What about those of us who don't feel comfortable talking about that kind of stuff?" Ryder says.
"Then you can talk about someone you know, you don't have to use names and I won't automatically think you're just talking about yourself. If that doesn't work for you you can use a current event. Now your papers should be at least 1000 words but I'll take liberties if you feel like you've said all that you need to say with less, I don't want a bunch of extra pronouns taking up space. Is everyone cool with that?"
"Yeah, that sounds cool Mr. Hudson," Marley agrees.
"Okay now get out of here," he says as the bell rings.
He wishes that he could just go home now and consider it a successful day but the hearing is at 12, he has to get a sub to take over his remaining classes for the day, he simply can't not be there for Rachel on her first day. She's taking the stand and he knows she wants him there, even though he's not taking the stand himself just yet.
He sees her pacing the floor, and he can hear the clacking of her heels on the marble. She looks perfectly put together in her navy blue blazer and pencil skirt, her hair pulled back in a neat ponytail, it's not her though, she likes stripes or plaid or sometimes even polka dots, and short dresses or skirts in bright colors or occasionally a sweater with an animal on it when it gets cold, but Kurt picked out the suit, letting her know that prim and professional was the way to go.
"Hey," he says, rushing up to her, greeting her with a chaste kiss.
"Where have you been?" she says frantically. And he can't help but notice how anxious she looks, her whole body is shaking, and her voice is unsteady, but he suppose that's to be expected.
"I'm sorry, I got here as fast as I could."
"They're going to call me in any minute," she says, her voice still shaking. "Sue says they're going to ask me things about my past, I don't want them to, I don't want to talk about that stuff Finn."
"Rachel, it's okay, they're just looking for honesty, you're the most honest person I know, you can do this."
"Rachel Berry?" A woman calls from the door, "They're ready for you."
She tries to remain still on the stand, Sue talks first, and she's gentler and calmer than he remembers her the first time they met, she asks all of the easy questions about what happened that day, about how she felt, it only gets hard once Sue asks the first question he knows she was dreading.
"If you could go back what would you do differently Ms. Berry?"
"I-I'm not sure if I know how to answer that," Rachel says, stammering, and Finn looks at the face of the judge, it's hard to read but he doesn't think that he's on anyone's side at this point.
"Come on, I know you've thought about it, we've discussed this, it's alright, just tell me what you would do differently." Finn follows Rachel's gaze and he sees that she looks at Brody for a split second.
"I wouldn't have went up there," Rachel admits, "I wouldn't have auditioned."
"Really, you would have forgone the greatest opportunity of your life? Why, you couldn't have known what was going to happen."
"But I did," Rachel continues. "I knew, I saw in his eyes, the way he looked at me, it didn't make me feel good, it made me feel… wrong."
"Wrong how?" Sue continues.
"Like he wanted something from me, something that I couldn't give him."
"Like sex maybe?"
"Objection your honor she's leading the witness," Brody's lawyer interjects, he's younger than Sue with a cold demeanor visible even behind his caring, concerned façade."
"I'll rephrase," Sue says before the judge can interfere. "What do you feel like Brody wanted from you Ms. Berry?"
"Control," Rachel says, her voice breaking. "It's like he was trying to intimidate me in any way he could."
"Why do you believe that he was trying to intimidate you?"
She looks at Brody again, and Finn wishes he could see his face.
"Because he could," Rachel says simply. "And I think he wanted to challenge me, to see how much I could take, but he shouldn't have done it that way, it wasn't right, it wasn't professional and he should have stopped when I told him to."
"So you're saying you understand why Mr. Weston did what he did to you?"
"I understand his methods," Rachel admits. He knows what she's doing, it's a tactic that Sue showed her, by empathizing with the plaintiff she shows that she was thinking clearly at the time, he just hopes the judge goes for it. "I understood but that doesn't excuse it. Acting is an art form that can take you to places that people aren't meant to go, dark places, when Brody Weston felt that it was okay to touch me inappropriately for the sake of his art, he disregarded any rules that were laid out for him beforehand, why was it okay for him to take liberties like that but not me?"
"So you're saying you were acting when you hit Mr. Weston with the phone, playing along so to speak."
"I'm saying that I broke the rules," Rachel says. "I broke the rules just like Mr. Weston did , the difference is I didn't press charges, but I'm thinking now perhaps I should have."
That's my girl, Finn thinks silently to himself.
"No further questions your honor," Sue says, satisfaction in her voice.
"Your Honor I'd like to cross examine the witness," Mr. Clarington says, getting up from his seat.
"Ms. Berry, so what you're saying is that you were wrong to attack Mr. Weston correct, but no more wrong than he was?"
"I suppose so," Rachel says.
"Yes or no?" he says firmly.
"Yes," Rachel replies. "That's not to mention the fact that I was provoked."
"Well the last time I checked there is no physical evidence of any wrongdoing on Mr. Weston's part, he on the other hand has a nice little scar on his temple that may very well be there for life."
"There are physical scars as well as mental scars Mr. Clarington," Rachel responds, her confidence mounting.
"Mental scars, isn't that a little extreme?" Mr. Clarington says.
"Unless you think that sexual molestation and harassment is an action that can be taken lightly."
"Not at all, but in terms of acting I think I can safely say there are a different set of rules, an actor can perform certain sexual activities with an actress for the sake of a scene, kissing, touching, sometimes even touching of private areas, but that same actress can't shoot the actor in the face."
"Objection your honor," Sue cries.
"Sustained. Mr. Clarington the defendant did not shoot Mr. Clarington in the face," The judge reminds him.
"My apologies, no you didn't shoot him in the face but you did however inflict an injury that could have killed him under even slightly different circumstances."
"I think you know it was in no way my intention to kill Mr. Weston, and yes I realize that certain sexual activity can take place between two actors, but I think we can both agree that both actors must consent beforehand. I didn't consent to Mr. Weston placing his hands on my private area nor did I consent to him continuing to do so after I had protested several times, using his real name I might add."
"So you had a snap reaction?"
"Correct," Rachel said.
"One you believe anyone could have had in the same circumstances?"
"I don't understand what you mean," Rachel says.
"I mean tell me about March 14th 2011."
The hairs stand up on the back of Finn's neck the second he says it, he knew it was coming, they all knew, still it didn' ut make it any less painful.
"Go on Rachel," He continues.
"Objection, relevance," Sue argues.
"Overruled, answer the question Ms. Berry."
She looks at Finn for a split second, her eyes wide, tears glistening in them already just at the thought of it. He wishes more than anything for this to just be over, so he can take her home and rub her shoulders and just forget all of this, but it's not over and there's nothing he can do to protect her right now.
"I-I was attacked, in my home," Rachel says. "Three men broke into my home late at night and attacked my dads, and they pulled me out of bed and they took the three of us at knife point and…
"What happened Rachel?" Mr. Clarington presses on, he knows exactly what he's doing, he's trying to get her to snap, maybe become someone else, prove that what she did to Brody were the actions of a lunatic.
"They raped me," she says, under her breath. "All of them, one after the other while they held my dads back and made them watch."
A tear rolls down his own cheek as she recalls the story. He always knew on some level what they had done, that it had went beyond just touching, but he never asked, he never would. She couldn't allow herself to remember just how bad it was, it's why it took so long to face the fact that they had killed her fathers.
"Then they killed my dads, they killed them with their knives and they cut my throat and left me for dead, but I didn't die, I survived somehow," she's still crying but she isn't sobbing, her voice is clear and steady, and she's not becoming someone else, she's not slipping away, Hunter Clarington's plan is failing, instead of making her look crazy he's making himself look like a total insensitive asshole.
"So, you're saying that after that you were no more inclined to attack Mr. Weston for what you term inappropriate touching than anyone else," Mr. Clarington says, his voice losing it's confident edge.
"It was a long time ago Mr. Clarington," Rachel says. "It still hurts but it's in my past."
"No further questions your honor."
It seems to take forever for them to get home, she's utterly quiet throughout all of it, she's quiet as they walk hand in hand out of the courthouse, quiet on the cab ride home, quiet on the elevator, it isn't until she finally gets inside that it finally happens, that she finally explodes. Screaming in agony as she hurls Esmeralda against the wall.
"Rachel," he says trying to get a steady hold on her, but she can barely hear him over her screaming and she can barely stay still.
"Im not okay I'm not okay I'm not okay," She repeats as they sink to the floor, she rocks back and forth as he holds her and strokes her overheated head. "I'm not okay."
"You are," Finn whispers soothingly, his lips against her ear. "You're going to be just fine you did so good up there baby."
"I'm sorry," she says brokenly. "I'm so sorry you had to hear it like that, I didn't want you to know, I never wanted you to know that you weren't my first, I didn't even want to know that Finn."
"Rachel listen to me okay," he says, getting her to look at him. "What those men did, I could never blame you for that, ever. You didn't tell me because you couldn't, I know that, I understand."
"I had to tell them Finn."
"It doesn't matter," he says. "None of that matters now."
"I had to tell them, I had to pretend like it didn't hurt me anymore, I had to pretend because I have to stay here, with you. I can't go to jail and I can't go to the hospital again, this time it might be for life and I can't, I can't have a baby in a hospital Finn, I just can't."
He thinks he misheard her at first, but he couldn't have, she said it loud and clear, like she needed him to know.
"What did you say?" Finn asks, his voice shaky.
"I found out this morning," she says, her voice even shakier, "I don't think there's ever going to be a right time to tell you, so I'm telling you now, and I'm so sorry Finn I know that this is the last thing either of us need right now, and we were so careful before but I guess I've been so stressed out that I missed my pill once or twice and I didn't think anything would happen but it did and…"
"Rachel please just… just tell me." He says, trying not to sound as panicked as he feels. But the panic increases as she takes his big hand in hers and presses it to her stomach.
"There's a baby inside of me Finn," she whispers softly, and everything stops.
Stay tuned folks!