A/N: To make up for yesterday's post, this one is really angsty. Or at least I tried to make it angsty. There will be more Sam in the post and it will continue from there.
Trying to find the Trickster in the world that he created becomes impossible. Every day, memories of the last five years start filtering into his brain slowly. They become his memories. It isn't real like everything else around here but it certainly feels like it. Dean wakes up one morning and it takes him a good five minutes to remember that this isn't his life. Castiel is still an angel, his brother is evil and he isn't a mechanic. It is starting to get harder and harder to work out what is the illusions and what isn't.
He doesn't do anything drastic. For a long time he thinks that he might as well keep this lifestyle up because that is what the Trickster wants to teach him. It doesn't get him anywhere. Castiel is perfect to him. They still fight like dogs and have sex like rabbits but Dean cannot help but feel a little bit of emptiness whenever he looks into this Castiel's eyes because he knows that he isn't real. He knows that he doesn't love this Cas, - does he love his own Cas? He cannot live this lie like this anymore.
It starts all over dinner. It has been weeks or maybe months of being trapped here and Dean isn't sure he can take it anymore. Every day he wants this life a little bit more. Sam calls him every couple of days and they just chat. Castiel looks at him like he is his world and Dean. He wants to stay here forever and he knows that is why he has to leave as soon as possible.
He comes home from the garage at six. He does it every day unless there is a job that he has to do overnight and he stays a little bit later and Castiel completely understands. When he comes home, most of the time Castiel will be cooking. It is one of his hobbies now. He loves cooking for Dean particularly but many nights they are not alone. They have neighbours and friends over. Dean likes them all but on this particular night it is just him and Castiel. He leaves work and comes home and the smell of Castiel making burgers. Castiel makes the best burgers that he has ever tasted. He doesn't make them all the time because he is worried about Dean's cholesterol level or some rubbish like that.
He calls out to Cas as he enters the room. Cas replies with a "honey, I am in here." Dean follows to where Castiel is slicing fresh lettuce with a practice hand. Dean tries to remember Castiel using a knife to kill demons but he can't. It is five years ago now in his memories rather than a couple of weeks. He cannot deal with this anymore. He draws the shotgun from where he is hiding it under the dinning-room cabinet.
He points it at Castiel, his hand is shaking. It is still Cas even though it isn't and it feels so wrong. "Take me home," Dean demands. Castiel looks confused and sad but he doesn't look scared. He trusts Dean too much not to shoot him in the face. Dean doesn't trust himself right now.
"Dean, this is your home," Castiel says. He tone is calm and steady. His eyes, not is voice betraying what he is really feeling.
"No, this is just a trick. You're not real." Dean shudders. God, right now it seems so real. The memories are all mixed up in his head. It is still Cas. His Cas. Maybe, just maybe he can make this okay. God, what is he doing. He lowers the gun to the ground but he doesn't let go of it.
"What trick, Dean? I am real. You know that," Castiel replies. He takes a step closer to Dean. Dean shudders. He thinks back to all the times that he and Castiel spent together or didn't as it maybe. It isn't real but it feels so real Dean is almost happy to make do. He could live here. He could stay here. The Trickster isn't even going to kill him and he doesn't know for sure that he would hurt Cas. He could stay here. It would become real. It doesn't matter.
"Please, Cas," he manages. He can't do this. He can't. This world. It's so real. He wants to stay he really does. But it isn't his world.
"Dean, it's okay," Castiel takes two more steps forward and that is three steps too close. There is a bang. Castiel hits the floor in a second. All angel mojo gone, he is just human and he will die like one. There is blood sprayed out across the wall. It definitely looks real. Dean drops the gun, unable to keep hold of it. He falls to his knees. The kitchen tiles are cold and hard underneath him. It is all real. Maybe this isn't a trick anymore. He has just killed Castiel. God, Cas.
Dean crawls over to where Castiel is lying. He doesn't trust his legs. Castiel's eyes are open in shock. He is still alive but just. There is blood pouring out of his mouth. Dean grabs hold of him and cradles him.
"Dean, how could you?" Castiel breaths out. Each word is painful but he means it. The look of hurt and betrayal that flickers over his face almost kills Dean. Then Cas groans in pain and it is the last sound that would ever leave his lips.
Dean hopes that the fake reality will fade away. The Trickster, if he is really there will come. Castiel will be alright. He will still be an angel. He is not the body that he is holding. Seconds, minutes, hours pass. Dean is still lying on the floor. He cannot let Castiel go. His body is getting cold. Dean still cannot let go. There is nothing anymore. There is no world outside. There is just him and Castiel.
It takes two days. Dean must have fallen asleep. He must have moved at some point because he still has a bladder even if he murdered the one person who loved him without ever asking for anything else in return. He doesn't eat though. He can barely breathe. He just wants it all to go away.
Then Castiel is just there. He is in his arms but he is standing next to him with a confused head tilt. He is wearing his trench coat just like the angel. Dean can barely remember him like that anymore. Dean starts crying. He knows big boys aren't supposed to cry but it just happens. He just wants it to be true. He wants Cas to be okay. He'll do anything.
"Dean," Cas asks. His voice is gravelly and deep. He has cuts across his face like someone has hit him hard. Dean has tried that. Somewhere in the depths of his memories it is there. He has tried it a couple of times before Cas became human and it is like hitting a brick wall. If he is the angel, why is he hurt?
"Cas." He is cautious. Is this Cas? Or is it his mind playing more tricks on him. It looks like Cas but then so does the body in his arms. He doesn't trust his own eyes anymore. Once upon a time, he relied on physical proof more than anything.
"I escaped," Castiel starts. He looks a little worn out.
"The Trickster?" Dean asks. The words sound foreign on his tongue. Wrong. Everything is wrong.
"If he is a Trickster. He is much too powerful," Castiel replies. Then suddenly without warning Castiel is thrown against the wall like he is just trash that can be thrown away. Dean stands up suddenly, an overwhelming urge to protect his Cas.
Before he manages to even reach Cas, someone comes through his kitchen door. It is the Trickster. It seems years ago and it seems like weeks ago since he has last seen him and Dean wants to hurt him more than anything.
"Hello kids," the Trickster says. He seems overly cheerful. Dean really wants to wipe that grin off his face. The Trickster looks at the dead Cas on the floor and his face falls. He looks to the other Cas, who is struggling to his feet. "Hey Castiel. It seems like your boyfriend doesn't love you after all."
"What are you doing, Gabriel?" Castiel asks. Gabriel? Dean thinks. Like the archangel.
"I was teaching this mutton head a lesson. One, he doesn't seem capable of learning," The Trickster – Gabriel, walks over to where the body is on the floor. He looks like he is grieving. "I don't like to see my brothers getting hurt." The body disappears in a shimmer. The blood is still there though and Dean is still covered in it. His brain is still trying to process. Brothers?
"You should not be playing this games," Castiel walks right up to Gabriel. He is trying to be intimidating. Castiel suddenly looks like the mouse trying to face up against the lion. The Trickster is thrumming with energy the way that Castiel never does. If it comes down to a downright fight, Castiel will lose. Dean doesn't think he could see Castiel die again. "Dean is not something that you should be playing with."
"I just wanted him out of the way," The Trickster replies. "I was going to put him back. Eventually."
"You don't understand. Dean. Is. Mine. He is not yours to play with," Castiel replies. He looks hot with anger. The Trickster isn't intimidated but he understands.
"I don't understand why you like this loser. You don't belong here."
"Where do I belong? Up in heaven? What about you?" Castiel asks.
The Trickster looks hurt and doesn't reply. He pulls a chocolate bar out of his pocket and starts to eat it. "The world is going to be destroyed, Cassie. You don't want to be here when it comes crashing down. Perhaps you would be better back up in heaven. I don't want to see you hurt."
"I made my choice."
"Have you made the right one?" The Trickster rebuts.
Then Dean wakes up before he can hear Castiel's reply. He is lying on a bed in a motel room. He is back in a time when he is supposed to be in. Sam is still evil and Castiel is an angel. Dean isn't covered in Castiel's blood but he can still feel it. Castiel isn't around. Dean needs a strong drink.
He drives to Bobby's. He needs something to ground him after what happens. He needs someone that he knows. He doesn't tell Bobby what happens because he isn't comfortable talking about his feeling or his relationship with Cas. He just needs a strong drink and somewhere to crash while he clears his head.
Castiel turns up as he is driving. Dean doesn't even flinch when the angel is suddenly there. "Gabriel has agreed to leave you alone," he starts without saying the customary "hello and goodbye." Dean knows that he will learn. He has seen it happen.
"That son of a bitch needs to be staked. Who is he?" Dean asks. "I thought he was a Trickster."
"He is Gabriel, the archangel. He has rebelled against heaven. He has agreed to leave you alone as long as I assist him on his quest."
"His quest? Is he going after the Holy Grail or something?" Dean asks, bitterly.
"He is attempting to stop the other angels from destroying the planet. I believe, however, that he has underestimated your brother's power and that is where our attention should lie," Castiel explains. "He has agreed to let us have time in attempting to stop your brother."
"Thanks nice of him," Dean says sarcastically.
"You seem upset," Castiel says with the head tilt. It might be the middle of the night in some deserted highway but Dean cannot help but find it comforting. Castiel is still here after all.
He wants to make a joke. He does. "I kill you, Cas. I knew it was an illusion but it felt so real. It all felt so real and we had a life together. Jobs and a house and everything else."
"Is that what you want?" Castiel asks. He stares directly at Dean like he is seeing straight into his soul.
"I don't know. Maybe one day but it isn't going to happen because it is never going to be over. Whether it is Sam, or demons or angels, we are never going to have the sort of normal life. Is that even what you want?"
Dean turns to Castiel but he is gone.
Dean arrives at Bobby's and Castiel is waiting for him there.
"He just storms in here. The idjit. I nearly shot him full of rock salt," Bobby grumbles as Dean answers the door. He doesn't say hello either. It must not be the custom anymore.
"What is he doing?"
"Cooking."
"Cooking?" Dean heads to the kitchen past Bobby who is still protecting against angels with no manners. Castiel is working in there. He is coatless and jacketless with his shirt sleeves rolled up and his tied tucked in. He is chopping lettuce for burgers. Dean wants to cry.