Chapter X
Kid thought he had touched heaven as he felt her lips against his. The first kiss had been sweet and shy, but as he did not meet any opposition from her, he dared to deepen the kiss and she responded whole-heartedly. At that moment his whole self was unaware of anything but her. She was so soft, so sweet, just perfect. He had never felt such strong sensations as the ones he was experiencing with this kiss. He wrapped his arms around her waist and kept her as close to him as possible. His fingers ran through her hair as he began planting kisses all over her face till he again joined his lips to hers.
Suddenly, realization of what was happening struck him powerfully, and he pulled away as if he had been bitten. His guilty eyes looked at her in total anguish, and he felt unable to articulate one single word. They were both out of breath after their romantic encounter, and were trying to catch their breaths. Louise was staring at him with an expression of utter perplexity. Kid was not sure if it was because of the kiss or of the sudden halt.
Kid was inwardly cursing himself for what he had allowed to happen. He had been real good at hiding his feelings from the rest, but now he had been carried away and involved her in this mess. When he finally managed to breathe a bit better, he began apologizing. "Lou, I'm so..." he tried to say but was cut off by a loud call from the end of the street.
"Louise!"
They both turned their heads quickly at the sound, and saw Rachel coming towards them. She seemed to be in a state of complete agitation and very nervous. Kid wanted to die at that same instant and disappear from the face of the earth. He did not know what Rachel had seen but from her demeanor he could tell that she had seen enough. He could not imagine what she would say or do. All he hoped was that it would not mean any more problems for Louise. Naturally, he would not allow Louise to be blamed in the least. He was the only responsible here, and he would accept the consequences of his foolish acts. What were you thinking, Kid? he thought.
Finally, Rachel reached them, breathless and nervous, and blurted out, "Where were you, Lou? I have been looking for you all over the place and panicked when I couldn't find you." Rachel was utterly relieved that she had eventually found the girl because she had feared that something had actually happened.
Louise stared at her with wide eyes, and could not find her own voice. She was still quite confused after the kisses she and Kid had shared. Her mind still seemed unable to think clearly and she did not know what to say.
Kid felt his body relax as he realized that Rachel had not seen what had just happened between him and Lou. She was nervous just because she thought that the girl had gone astray. He noticed Louise's confused expression and hurried to say something. "Rachel, we just went out to get some fresh air," he lied. "It was awfully hot inside, and Louise seemed a bit too pale."
Rachel looked at Lou and noticed her red cheeks and her odd expression. "Oh, honey," she said, "Are you all right? You look a bit flushed."
Lou knew that she was blushing furiously, but her state was not caused by anything that had happened inside the building, but rather by what had taken place outside. She was thankful that Kid had been so fast to make up a story to her sudden disappearance. Telling Rachel about the kisses was out of the question. It had to be her secret, her very sweet secret. Just remembering those kisses and how much she had enjoyed them was enough to make Louise blush even redder.
"Oh, yes, Rachel," Lou said hesitantly. "I was just a bit dizzy but I'm fine now." She hated lying to Rachel but what else could she do? "Kid... here ... was very kind to escort me outside. I'm sorry I scared you. I hope my father ain't too angry."
"Don't worry. I didn't tell him you were missing," Rachel smiled at remembering the little fib she had told Boggs. In her philosophy, it was better a fib in time than useless heartache. "Now let's get inside again."
The following day
Kid had not slept a wink at night, and now that he was riding across the open prairie he felt the consequences of that lack of sleep in his body. He had been turning and tossing the whole night as thoughts of what had happened with Louise invaded his mind. He had not been able to apologize to Lou, and he wondered what she might be thinking about his totally improper behavior.
The morning had come too early, and he had had to get ready for his ride. It was a short ride and he would be back before dinner, but it was still tough after the eventful evening and the haunted night. Even now that he was riding like the devil, thoughts of her came to his mind continuously.
The Southerner was convinced that nothing would happen with Louise again, and he would see to it. It was improper to think of her as he had been thinking lately, but what had occurred at the dance was totally wrong. But then… why had it felt so right? he thought.
Kid was well aware that she was not like the other girls, she was sick, real sick, but when he saw or talked to her, he forgot everything. She was just the girl who he had fallen in love with. Yeah, he had to admit it. He had fallen for her hard, but it was never meant to be. It would be stupid to think otherwise. She would never get better. Mental matters were as mysterious as the origin of the world, and people suffering from them could never recover.
Kid wanted to scream in frustration. Why couldn't she be a normal girl? Why did he have to meet her? Why had he fallen for her? Admitting his feelings did not make things easier. What he knew was that he had to find a way to control himself. It was going to be the hardest thing he had ever had to do, the pain he already felt at the thought was almost physical, and now that he had had a taste of her it was even worse. He really wanted to be part of her, to know everything of her, to love all of her.
What would people think if they got to know about his feelings? Kid began to see the reproachful faces of everybody he knew. He could imagine what his friends' reactions might be. Teaspoon would act calmly and would try to bring him to his senses with one of his long talks. Kid had to acknowledge that Teaspoon was a source of wisdom and his advice had always proved right. Though the marshal had not received proper schooling, his life had taught him all he needed to know. Rachel always tried to keep aside from the boys' love matters, but this time it would be different. The girl was her stepdaughter, and she was very fond of her. Kid was sure that Rachel would be angry, and Rachel's anger is something one should be afraid of.
Cody would surely laugh and mock him bluntly. Kid knew he would not see the end of his wisecracks, and the others would not hesitate to join in the mocking. Noah would plainly tell him what he thought. He was very sincere and direct, and Kid had no idea what he would say, but Noah would come clear, that was certain. Probably Buck and Ike would keep aside and would not say anything. Kid knew that they were very reserved in these matters but he was afraid that they both would see him in a different light. Actually, he was afraid that all of them consider him a lesser person for having these feelings, and in a way acting on them. If he had been told the same story about somebody else, he would surely have thought that the person was a pervert to say the least. Kid was not trying to abuse or take advantage of Louise. He had just fallen in love, that's all, but he understood that people would look down on him. Jimmy was his best friend, and Kid thought that he would be able to understand him if he found out. Jimmy had had some troublesome relationships with women and knew that love was not always something that you willingly sought. Yeah, at least Jimmy would understand him.
What Kid was very scared of was Boggs' reaction and what he would think. When Rachel and he had begun their relationship, Kid had liked him, and after the wedding they had got along quite well. Yet, after Louise's arrival, the banker's open unreasonable hostility made Kid's blood boil. He could not understand how anybody would treat Louise other than with tenderness. So if Boggs ever found out about last night, Kid was sadly aware that the banker might get furious and probably Louise would be the target of his ire. That was the reason Kid prayed that Boggs never got to know what had happened last night.
Nobody is gonna find out, he said, trying to calm his nerves. It was just a kiss… or a few, and I'm sure she wouldn't tell anyone, would she? Anyway, I won't probably have another opportunity to see her. She's always in her room and I will try to avoid her as much as possible. It's not right and it's not fair to her. You can't promise her anything and it'll only cause her more heartache. And now please stop ruminating about the same over and over. Just think that you have to deliver the mail and you're already running a bit late.
Kid urged Katy faster, and tried to put every thought of Louise behind him. Now his first priority was his job, and he needed all his senses alert to complete his duty. It would be just splendid if you mess this thing too.
It was late in the afternoon when Louise woke up from her nap. She had fallen asleep after lunch as she had not slept very well at night, which had been plagued with images of those kisses she had shared with Kid. At first she had been taken off guard as she had never imagined Kid would try something like that. But it had happened, Kid had actually kissed her, and it had been wonderful. Thousands of feelings had woken within her at the same moment in which his lips had touched hers. If she closed her eyes, she could still feel his mouth on hers. Nobody had ever kissed her like that and she had felt completely alive in that moment. And now she couldn't wait to kiss him again. Would he want to kiss her again?
Louise laughed aloud at her own strong feelings, and she felt so light-hearted and happy that she wanted to scream. Naturally, she did not know much about this boy-girl stuff, but she supposed that if he had kissed her, that would mean that he liked her. And she... well... she was crazy for him, she thought, smiling inwardly at the reference.
Lou was not a fool, and with all probability this kiss had not meant anything to him; it might have been just a game for him, but she didn't care. He had found her willingly, and had not shown any signs of disgust for her. That was all she cared about, and she was thankful for those brief moments. Her time of relative freedom was coming to an end, and she wanted to enjoy it fully and feel everything that she would not when back in the asylum.
Today she had not seen him as usual, and she had missed his morning greeting. Nobody but him cared to acknowledge her every day, he was so nice. She knew that he had a ride and must have left the station very early in the morning, but he would be back that evening; she had managed to obtain that piece of information from Rachel quite subtly, and she hoped at least to catch a brief glimpse of him. She just needed to see him, it was almost a physical necessity, and the intensity she longed for him totally baffled him.
Louise hoped that nobody would ever find out what had happened the night before. She didn't dare to imagine what her father would say if he caught wind of it. Just the thought of it made her shiver from head to foot. Last night she had almost stopped breathing when Rachel had appeared, as she had feared that the station mistress had seen everything. Lou was sure that though Rachel was very kind and pleasant, she wouldn't like the situation in which the two of them would have been caught. But fortunately, she had seen nothing and Kid had been quick enough to make up an excuse for her sudden disappearance from the hall. He's so nice and so handsome, she thought and grinned broadly.
"Louise!"
Lou looked up and saw that Rachel in front of her with an amusing expression on her face. Why did she always catch me fantasizing over him? she thought somewhat annoyed.
"I wonder what deep thoughts continuously keep you so unaware of the rest of the world," Rachel said, giggling. Louise joined in her mirth, and they laughed together for quite a few minutes. "You look very happy today, Lou," Rachel told her after her laughter had calmed down.
"Why shouldn't I?" Lou replied a bit confused. She frowned, wondering what direction Rachel was taking the direction. Perhaps after all Rachel had seen Kid and her kissing, and she must be waiting for a sincere confession from her.
"Well, last night wasn't exactly what I had planned. You didn't dance once and ... I know that you must have felt uncomfortable with all those inquisitive looks from those nosy people. I'm really sorry, perhaps I shouldn't have insisted on you going," Rachel said sadly.
Lou smiled relieved that she had been wrong, and Rachel looked at her in confusion. "It's all right, Rachel," she talked light-heartedly. "I had a great time, really. Everything was so beautiful, and the people looked so smart. I was really engrossed in the entire jovial atmosphere. As for the people, I didn't give them any thought, I'm used to it. And," Lou smiled, "I'm really glad that I didn't get to dance. I can't dance, and I would have made a fool of myself in front of the whole town. So I'm glad I was saved from that."
"Was it your first time at a dance?" Rachel asked her.
"Yeah," Lou said, "Once there was a fair in my town, and my mother took us… you know, me and Jeremiah. Theresa was too young. I was eight and I remember that I was really amazed, and stared at everything with big eyes. The town was beautifully decorated and people danced and enjoyed themselves like they were doing yesterday. That was just before mama died," she looked down sadly, her chirpy mood gone.
"You really miss her, don't you?" Rachel ventured.
Louise nodded, and looked at Rachel with unshed tears. "Sometimes I wonder where I would be if she were still alive."
Rachel just stared at her. She had no words to tell her and she cursed herself for bringing up these sad memories.
"I guess that my life wouldn't be much different," Lou tried to raise her own mood but failed miserably. She knew that everything would have been so different if her mother hadn't died. She wouldn't have allowed what had happened back at her old home. That terrible thing would never have taken place if she had been alive. Yet, Louise knew that it was no use lamenting about the past and she tried to smile at Rachel.
"Lou," Rachel took her hand and squeezed it encouragingly. "Sometimes I don't understand your father, but I'm sure he's trying to do what's best for you. He may be a little harsh, but you have to understand that it's not easy for him," Rachel said. She was not completely convinced that her words were really the truth, but she had to make an effort to comprehend John's attitude, and needed to support him. He was her husband, after all.
"He says he ain't my father, you know?" Lou muttered regretfully.
Rachel just nodded in spite of herself and tried to find the right words. "Well ... Louise, don't think about that. The sense of family is stronger than blood bonds. Look at Teaspoon and the boys. They're like family, but they don't share anything but that sometimes so filthy bunkhouse." Lou grinned at Rachel's kind words, but she knew that in her case the situation was quite different. "And," Rachel continued, "here's the surprise. I have convinced John you don't have to stay here all the time. At least at mealtimes we will enjoy your presence, so get ready for dinner tonight, uh?"
"Are you serious?" Louise asked, her heart leaping with joy at the news.
"Completely serious," Rachel laughed at the girl, who was smiling broadly and her eyes were wide with expectation. Then Louise launched herself against her and hugged her tightly.
"Thank you so much, Rachel," she said happily. She was really tired of this blessed room and after last night the situation would be unbearable. She knew that she would have to stay in the room most of the day but at least she could have a little relaxation and enjoy some company. Yet, the first thought that had come to her mind had been him. He would be there and she couldn't wait for dinnertime.
Kid entered the barn slowly with Katy behind him. The ride had taken longer than he had thought, and it had been just his fault. He had been too distracted, and had not paying attention to the road as his confusing thoughts kept invading his mind. More than once did he have to stop when Katy had nearly taken a tumble due to his carelessness or when he had just missed the trail. As a consequence, he had arrived at the station two hours later, missing dinner. In reality, he was not really hungry, just furious that his feelings were interfering with his job.
He placed Katy in her usual stall after unsaddling her. Then he began to fill the troughs with water and oats. It would not be fair if she missed her dinner too, and she deserved a special treatment after this tortuous ride. He was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed, but he thought that he would give her a good brush after the way he had been riding today.
The Southerner turned around to look for the brush and then he saw her. There she was: Louise. She was watching him intently a few feet from where he stood, and shyly she mouthed a quiet 'hi'. Kid was speechless, he didn't expect to see her there and just kept staring at her.
Lou came closer and hesitantly taking a grip of his shoulders she placed a soft kiss on his lips. Kid was completely mesmerized by the sensations that just her touch caused him. He closed his eyes and tried to push away all these feelings and calm himself. This couldn't happen, not again. So mustering all his willpower, he took her by her slender arms gently and pulled away.
Louise realized he was turning her down and felt ashamed of her daring behavior. At dinnertime she had been disappointed when he had not been there, and her mood had become somber. Afterwards, in her room she had been looking out of her window and waiting for his arrival. So when she had seen him pull up at the station, she had sneaked out of the house and crept into the barn. Her yearning had been so strong that when he had been in front of her, she had not been able to control herself and had launched herself into his arms blindly.
"Lou, we have to stop this," he said at last. "I'm sorry for what happened last night, it's that..." I'm just madly in love with you, he wanted to say. But he couldn't find the right justification.
"You don't like me," she whispered in a miserable voice, and looked down sheepishly.
Kid felt a tug in his heart at the sadness in her voice. He placed a thumb under her chin and lifted her eyes to him. "No, Lou," he muttered, "don't think that. I really like you," You don't know how much and that's the problem, he thought, but refrained from voicing it aloud. "It's just that..."
"What?" Louise urged him in an impatient tone.
Kid fumbled for words but he was at a loss. How can you tell a girl that it's wrong to love her? He didn't want to cause any more heartache, but knew that it was his foolish behavior what had begun all this. Why didn't you stay in the town hall, you fool? Why did you have to follow her out? Why did you have to kiss her?
Lou was unnerved by his silence, and was beginning to get angry. She hated it when people treated her as if she was made of porcelain, and she suspected that Kid was trying to protect her from the truth. "What is it, Kid?" she bellowed. She was losing her temper with his hesitancy. "Don't make a fuss over it and spit it out. Tell me plain and clear what it is."
Her eyes were shining with rage, and Kid was taken by this new side of her. He was speechless and just kept looking at her, but finally her glare urged him into action.
"Louise," he began after a sigh, "it's just not right - this thing between us."
"Why not?" Lou asked. "Is it because I'm sick?" At Kid's reluctant nod she continued. "Is it such a big problem for you?"
"It ain't me," Kid said. "And it ain't you. It's the situation. It ain't right. What do you think your father and Rachel would say if they knew?"
"Nobody needs to know, Kid" Louise added a bit more at ease with the conversation. "I'm not asking you to marry me" She took him by the hand, and squeezed it to reassure him. "Look. I've never felt so alive in my whole life as I did yesterday. I'm just asking you to be a special friend to me, just for these few days. Is it asking too much?"
Kid was longing to give in but his conscience kept nagging on him and insisted in putting a fight. He was aware of what Lou was asking him, but his convictions were too strong to accept his proposition even though he was dying to do so. "Lou, we can't pretend that this is right."
"Why not? People pretend all the time," her voice shook with emotion as she came closer to him. "Let's just pretend for a little while. Let's just pretend that I'm fine. Let's just pretend that you love me. Let's just pretend that we're courting. Let's just pretend that you intend to marry me someday. Let's just pretend that we will live happily forever. Let's pretend, Kid. After that, I'll be dead again. Please." She rested her head on his chest and closed her eyes. "Just love me a little bit. Just a little bit. I ain't asking for too much."
Kid sighed. He wrapped his arms around her, and kissed the top of her head. "Oh, Lou what am I gonna do with you?"