9

DESIDERIUM

During and After The X-Files Episodes: Three of a kind, Field Trip, Hungry.

They were wrong. It was more than a moment, it lasted more than a day. Something definitely changed between them. Scully had seen Mulder's body for years with the coldness of her knowledge of human anatomy. Sure he was fit and tall, sure he was cute but now his presence affected her. She felt emotions when she was around him she never felt before. Reactions unlike she ever had. The quickening on her pulse at the sound of his voice, the tingling on her nose when she caught the lingering scent of his skin. This automatic smile the second she saw his face. And how he smiled back without any reason for it. Were these feelings new? Or where they hid where she wouldn't have to face them before? Why now? Why like this?

Every time she bumped into him given the small space in the basement a new wave hit her. In the past this was at best neutral at worst, annoying but she was enjoying the closeness now. Even happier of not having her own desk in the basement so they have more chances of be close to each other. A spark ignited her heart every time they touched.

Mulder was doing a great effort not to do something that will give away his thoughts. Distracting himself with a case or sputtering a new trivia. Consciously turning away every time she stood up to file something or reach for the top of the shelves. She was his coworker, he needed to respect her. See her as colleague. But from the corner of his eye, without wanting to, he could see the way the curve of her hips was accentuated in her pencil skirt. How her legs touched each other while she read the files for a case before placing them back on the cabinet. How she bit her lips absent-mindlessly. How crossing her arms across her chest slightly lifted her breasts. When he wasn't hyper vigilant of his movements he will catch himself touching her hand to grab a document when it was obviously not needed or moving a strand of hair from her face... He will clear his throat to focus on something else. Scully always gave her this puzzle look with a small smile, almost an invitation. But he knew it was just his imagination playing tricks on him. His sunflower seeds became the only way his mouth could curve the cravings for Scully's lips.

"You are going through your seeds, faster than usual..." Scully said holding an empty bag from his desk. There were several already on the trash can. She lifted her eyebrow inquisitively. For a moment there he was scared she guessed why. He looked to the bag and shrugged. She pouted with her eyebrow frowning slightly. She was just so tempting like that. He looked away before he said something that will give away his thoughts. He felt her go to the trash can and throw away the container. He waited until she was out of the office to get a new one from the bottom drawer of his desk.

He thought to himself that he was being an idiot and needed to stop it. Scully was not stupid, she was going to keep noticing little changes on his behavior and then she was going to leave when she will figure out why. Probably wouldn't even say good-bye. Still he couldn't help but focus on those little moments when he felt she might actually not be too upset over this. When in fact he felt she wanted to be closer to him. Those days her fingers casually brushed his arm. Or her hand touched his arm to grab his attention. Or when she was leaning in to show him a document and her hair reached just under the tip of his nose and he breathe in the essence of her locks. He even imagined that she leaned in closer to soak on his scent too while he intoxicated himself with her natural fragrance. His stupid brain was telling him this, he reminded himself that it made no sense for Scully to be attracted to him after all their story together and Scully if she had anything asides from beauty and brains, was sense.

He recommitted to keep his professional behavior at all times, but Scully could swear there was something else coming from his side too. From the corner of her eye he could see him some times when it seemed he was absent-mindlessly looking at her general direction she could swear his eyes were on her. Mulder always had a poor sense of personal space but, she felt that now it was more recurrent, more times when she found herself close to his chest, tempted to lay her hands on it. Or he seemed to find excuses to touch her hand, lead her with the small of her back out of the office or inside a building. Now when she was talking about something he will take a few microsecond to respond, almost like he was thinking on something else while his eyes were looking at her face. Before she thought this was just his way of being playful, but there was a spark on his eyes that wasn't there before or that she couldn't see. What could he be feeling? Does he see her as more than a friend? Or as she always suspected, she was just a replacement for the sister he lost? This possibility pained her.

The weeks had been quiet at work not many X-files mostly paperwork. Christmas week came and Mulder promised himself to let her celebrate with her family in peace. He knew this was the last Christmas she will have with Matthew. This time they promised not to interchange presents and made sure to keep the promise. Scully tried to hide her disappointment when he kept his word and didn't interrupted her celebrations. But he knew Mulder was not going to ruin things for her.

Her nephew spent a lot of time with her. Charlie sent presents and called over the phone, but didn't showed up. But all the cousins and aunts and uncles had a great time. Scully was surprised that even though she will miss her nephew her thoughts were most of the time with Mulder. She hope that whatever Mulder did this Christmas he was having a good time.

Mulder actually spent Christmas Eve and the morning after at the Lone Gunmen. A guys' night out with his crazy friends might be what he needed to get over this renewed fixation on someone who he could never have. The guys noticed he was different but they gave him his space. They watched movies, played some games and interchanged some presents. It was a nice distraction for all of them. Forget for a day or two that the world they lived in was horrible, aliens were coming to destroy the little good left. And to forget their own government was accomplice. They even left a Christmas message for Skinner in his phone. He at least will have a laugh when he heard it.

But when he was not distracted, Mulder wondered about Scully. He kept stopping himself from finding excuses to call her and succeeded. The guys would know exactly what was going on if they saw his face once he could hear her voice. That was a strong enough motivation to keep him from calling her from their den.

But once alone in his apartment he still felt this painful longing. He disconnected his phone. Tried to distract himself with some porn, but he just couldn't even watch it anymore.

He looked for more sunflower seeds bags, but he had eaten them all. He will have to wait until tomorrow to buy more at the store. Defeated he drop himself on his new bed and tried to get some sleep. But his overacting brain was not letting him rest.

"Maybe I should just kiss her..." Maybe complete denial just made things worse. A kiss might just take the edge of this obsession. It wasn't such a crazy idea. Sometimes getting a new piece in his pursuit of the truth helped give him a mental break. But wasn't kissing Scully a deep act of disrespect? Wouldn't she hate it? Leave?

He knew exactly how she will react. She told him years ago.

After he broke into her house to find Eddie Van Bluth almost planting one on her. He was racing, horrified of the idea of what he could do to her. He was sure he slipped something on all those women drinks to make them unable to see their husband's strange behavior. He came in time, Scully was horrified when she realized what went on.

"Are you okay?" He asked, quickly feeling relief that the scene didn't indicated anything more has happened.

"Yes..." Scully said slightly slurry. He handcuffed the man. He offered no resistance.

"Did he gave you something? Do I need to call an ambulance?" Scully seemed more embarrassed than anything.

"No, Mulder just wine. The bottle was...sealed...I just...drank most of it..." He took her phone.

"I"m calling the authorities..."

"I think I'm going to be sick" She said, sitting again her hands on her stomach. Eddie kept quiet he probably knew his rights by heart now. By the time the police arrived Scully was drinking as much water as possible.

"This will help... me counteract the effects... of the alcohol..." Mulder nodded. He was giving details of the arrest to the police

"Mulder I really thought he was you...But you... I mean him were acting so strange..." She shrugged at the thought. He nodded. Mulder went to give instructions to the police for a second and came back.

"Scully, do you recall any doctor that can get us a prescription for a muscle relaxer at this late hour?" He asked her.

"I can do it..," she said trying to stand, but losing balance. Mulder caught her by the elbows.

"Or maybe I can't..." She asked Mulder for a pen and paper and she wrote something in it. One unit took Eddie and made sure to have him escorted with two policemen as guards, sitting next to him.

"Are you going to be okay?" Mulder asked before leaving.

"Yeah...I will be fine in a few hours" He left and did all the regulatory paperwork and made sure Eddie was given the medication that will keep him from tricking anyone else.

The day after, Scully was mortified.

"I had no idea how I couldn't tell it wasn't you, it was so obvious..."

"Is okay Scully, this man was able to do this to women married to the men he was impersonating for years...Nothing to be embarrassed about."

"I guess...I just thought you were having a bad day and wanted some sympathy...I should had know you would never..." He didn't wanted to think on the end to that sentence. He would never be stupid enough to think that she wanted him? He would never had the guts?

"I mean I thought that ... It was the alcohol making you..." She trailed off.

"Were you going to slap me next? Because that would have been hilarious, Eddie would had changed back in a second," he said trying to sound cheerful.

"Mulder! I would never inflict physical violence on you..." She was stopped by Mulder's clear side eye reminding her of the time she shoot him.

"...Unless it was needed for your protection. I would had tell you to you weren't thinking clearly, offer you a cup of coffee and figured out what was going on with you." He found this puzzling.

"You wouldn't had been murderously mad?" She shrugged.

"For a little kiss?...In a moment of weakness?" She wondered if Mulder thought she was going to blush and faint over something so inconsequential. Typical Catholics are prude stereotype.

"Now in the remote case you wouldn't have stopped. I will had put that black on eye for sure." She lifted her tiny left fist and smiled. He chuckled at that.

The new year was coming maybe he could find a way to ring the year together. That was not a family holiday for her, she usually watched the ball fall on TV and fell asleep watching a movie. He could stop by for a few minutes. They were plenty of X-Files he needed to discuss and she knew he had no concept of time. He could go, see the countdown and just kiss her.

"A little friendly kiss" He could say is tradition, after all they had never spent the Eve together so she didn't knew. She will shrug it and file it under Mulder's weird behavior and he will leave as soon as possible.

"Then we will never speak of it" It will mean nothing for her, but the world for him. There was a part of him that died at the thought, but he knew it was for the best. With a plan to hold onto he finally fell sleep.