I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended. All characters belong to S. Meyer .
My mother is scary. I'd always suspected Sue had a hidden side and when I finally got home after my trek through the woods with Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest and Doesn't-even-warrant-classification, this hidden side was finally revealed to me. And let me tell you, it was not pleasant. Shouting was the main order of the day, followed by angry tears and finally, my personal favourite, the Disappointed Face. This is a face that I know children all around the world fear. Vampires I can do, Sue Clearwater aka Mom's Disappointed Face has me hiding under my bed. Or at least under my duvet. I'd expected the shouting, had been totally prepared for it, but disappointment wasn't even an emotion I had considered. Makes sense though. Seems my darling brother had been sharing his "Leah is a big coward" theory with our parental unit. All night her words had been ringing in my ears.
"Life isn't a battle Leah, you make it that way with your constant combative attitude. You run from everything, including your chance at a happy ending." For a minute I'd thought she was going to say fairy-tale ending but wisely, she left that out.
"Your actions don't just hurt you. That poor boy! He had to give up his life while you were off chasing your tail!" Boy? Does she realise Jasper could be her however many great-grandfather?
"Commitment. Responsibility. Family. All things you choose to ignore. Do you care about what happens to those who love you? Hmm? Do you?" Well actually yes I do mother, seen as how I did it for my family.
These thoughts I kept to myself, seeing as how I had no intention of getting a Clearwater ass-kicking. Sue is a formidable woman. Plus I may be willing to admit they aren't top notch responses. Not up to my usual standards, a bit weak really. By admitting that, even only to myself, a chain reaction of disturbing thought opened right on up. So I spent the night following the path laid out through my crazy mind and in the cold, clear light of the morning I had reached several conclusions. First, Mom and her sidekick were right. I am afraid. That however, ends now. I refuse to live a shell of a live just because some things are blocked off from me. If I'm a round peg and the whole is square, well maybe I just need to go find another whole. Okay, maybe I'm not that clear on it all yet but at least I am trying. Second, and closely linked with the first, no more running. Yes, running is easier than standing and facing the realities of my life but it has to stop sometime and why not now? Already having been conveniently brought home, now seems perfect. Now this third one tough, it's something I know and I'm sure the people involved know as well, but I think it's time to admit it out loud and stop acting like it isn't true. I, Leah Clearwater, previously-cold-hearted, harpy bitch, love my pack. And not just my immediate pack but the idiots in Sam's pack to. They may sink, and as I believe I have previously alluded to, be generally stupid, but I love them. They look after me, despite the fact I do not need them to, and I know they would fight for me and with me if I asked and even if I didn't. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way going to become beautifully bouncy Bella, but I might try not being quite to vicious in my insults. Scathingly entertaining shall be my new description. Pfft, we'll see. It's the thought that counts though right? I'll just let the overgrown puppies see that I don't mean to be cruel and then everything can go back to normal. See, there's my smile back, being nice doesn't need to be painful.
Speaking of painful my forth and final revelation of the night has the potential to be monumentally so. Carrying on with her winning streak, Sue knocked it outta the park again with her "happy ending" comment. Jasper is my chance. Everything in me apart from my own fear and bitterness is screaming that he loves me, that we are meant to be and that even the world itself wouldn't dare tear us apart. If you believe in destiny or fate, then it's definitely that. It scares me that the force that has taken so much from me might have actually given me something. I'd have to lose my anger then, lose my defence against the world. But then, that needy girl that I deny is even there is screaming that if I have Jasper I won't need a shield, won't need anything but him. My needy girl could write romance novels. They'd have to be the really trashy ones though, so I could add in dirty dirty sex scenes to scare the quiet ones. Leah Clearwater- Corrupter of Youth. If the boy's ever want to do superhero names again that's gonna be mine. Anyway back to the topic at hand. Jasper. Me. Me and Jasper. Jasper and Me. After that steamy kiss yesterday and my realisations during the night, I don't think us as friends will work. Not that I particularly want it to. Nope, I want more of those kisses that make me Leah-goo and I am hoping Mr Cool and Shiny himself will not disagree.
All these new beliefs are fabulous in my head but that sucky fear isn't letting me get out from under my duvet to go and put them into action. I'm guessing it's getting on as Seth has knocked on the door on four separate occasions so far. Once he even lay down on the floor to see if he could see through the gap at the bottom of the door. That brought me my first smile of the day. I'm glad in his desperation the fear I instilled over opening my door without being asked is holding true. Just as I'm basking in the satisfaction brought by my impressive intimidation I hear what sounds like elephants heading up the stairs. Five elephants if I guess right. Hmm, I would have bet on at most four. Should I get up? If alpha dog is there he will just barge right in. Tragically, even my intimidation isn't strong enough to penetrate that boulder he calls a skull.
"Wake up, wake up. It's a beautiful moooooooorning!" I think that is meant to be singing, either that or they have moved on to torturing cats as well as stray leeches. "You have until three, and then we're coming in Lee." Ah nothing like Jake bellowing in the morning, or maybe early afternoon.
"One." That's Quil. Ass, he had to be the one to start.
"Two." Boo, don't join them Seth. If you don't count maybe it won't happen. I'm good at wishful thinking.
There wasn't a three, instead four exceptionally large Quileute children came barging into my teeny-tiny room. They were closely followed by an equally large person who I refused to believe was there. Nope, definitely keeping my head firmly under my duvet.
"Goooood Morning, sister dear," Jake started. "We all thought we'd come and drag you back to the world."
"Yeah and maybe towards the shower too. There is a definite pong going on in here Lee." Clearly Embry had not been working on his charm in my absence. Quil couldn't have been working on his patience either as he lunged the tiny distance between them and my bed to stole my cosy quilt. Lovely.
"Lovely to smell you to, Embry. Been running all night or did you perspire that much coming up the stairs?" See, I can still joke and not be cruel.
"That's pretty weak for you Leah," Seth said smiling. "Maybe you need a few days round us to get back up to your usual biting standards."
Huffing, I turned my face towards the door and saw that I was in fact right. Yip, there he was in the flesh. Mr Sam Uley, hunkering in the doorway to my room. Ahh, the memories. Almost against my will my mouth turned up into a real life smile. Not a smirk, an honest to goodness smile. Jake, Embry, Quil and Seth looked delighted. Sam looked scared. This has the potential to be fun.
"So now that the pleasantries are over," I said sitting up, "what you guys here for? Not that you aren't ahh…welcome. Just maybe you have a reason?" Smooth.
"We just wanted to come see you, bring you up to date on some stuff," Jake answered sitting beside me. I considered ordering him off my bed but it didn't really bother me. Odd.
"Yes. We are all glad you're home Leah. You were missed." Sam entered the conversation, looking decidedly uncomfortable and a little out of place. I'd forgotten how relaxed our pack was compared to his. General Uley, at your service.
"Well thanks guys, that's touching." My pack laughed. Sam didn't. "I think maybe I'll just get all the latest info at the next bonfire though. That okay?" This resulted in many shocked expressions from all in the room bar Seth. He just smiled, the kinda smile where you got the feeling he knew something you didn't. Traitor. He was cheering Team Sue now. Amongst the murmured 'sure's' and 'she's coming to a bonfire?' from the three musketeers I made out a strangled sound coming from Sam. Almost like a wounded animal, made me want to poke him with a stick.
"You alright there Uley? You look a bit shocked?"
"Yeah. Yeah I'm good. So….yeah. So I guess I'll see you there then. It's em….well the next one is…," Sam trailed off his stuttering as we all stared at him. Wow one poke and he broke. Disappointing. Clearly I'm not the only one out of practice. I looked over at Jacob to see him smiling. At my eye brow raise he put General Useless out of his misery and said the next bonfire was on Friday, which sadly for me was tomorrow. I might be trying this whole love-not-war gig but that didn't mean I had any desire to be surrounded by adolescent wolves and there main squeezes. To my great delight Sam didn't even respond to Jake but just turned and headed out, tail firmly between those lanky legs. Ha! Score one to the new and improved Leah.
"Why can't all my days start like that?" Quil asked the question I'm sure we had all been thinking.
"No idea," Embry answered. "But that felt like Christmas."
"That it did," Jake smirked. "Boy I love it when you see him sweat. It's like catching your teacher naked or something."
"Eww, okay that's enough outta you there," I said. "Clearly time away does not change the tendencies of pervy teenage werewolves." The thought of being inside these guys smutty little brains again on a daily basis was enough to make me shiver.
"You love us. Just admit it."
"Never Mr Call, never." That was clearly the wrong answer. As soon as I finished I found myself covered in squealing boy. The smell was overpowering, pretty sure if you could suffocate on musk I'd be a goner. "Okay, okay. Maybe I love you guys. Don't get complacent though. I could easily change my mind," I said. That real smile was on my face again. Jesus, that needy chick needs to stay firmly tucked inside!
"I knew it," Quil responded as he used Seth's back to get the leverage needed to get on his feet. My lungs were very thankful. After helping the other two to their feet they all settled on the floor, putting their serious i-mean-business faces on. This should be entertaining. "So, you spoke to Sue I'm guessing? You seem different." So we have another Team Sue supporter. Just as well I've deserted Team Irresponsible as I'm pretty sure its away to go the way of the Titanic.
"Yes I have. And I'm willing to admit she was right. It's time for a change in Leahville," I answered with the stupid smile that doesn't seem to want to go away.
"I know you might not see it Leah but she means well and well….. just maybe she might be abit righ-"
"Quil! Dude stop, she agreed," Jake interrupted to everyone but Quil's supreme regret. "Shocking as it is, it seems little Lee might be ready to turn over a new leaf?"
"I wouldn't up it that way you big girl. But yeah I guess you could say I'm going for a change." I wasn't really sure how to get across what I was meaning and they were all looking at me with such little kid faces that I just knew I had to say something. "I want to be happy." Okay not anything worthy of song but hopefully they'd get what I meant. If Seth's very manly squeal was anything to go by then they did.
"Wow, that's just great sis," Seth said around the squeal. "This is gonna be great. A happy Leah makes a happy Seth."
"Ohhh, Seth there goes those balls again," Embry responded bringing sniggers from everyone included puberty pup himself. "Right not that I'm not enjoying this, cause really I am, but if the rest of us want to keep our balls, real or Leah's lady balls, then I call an end to this sappy stuff."
"Ignoring the balls comment, I agree," I answered. "I need to shower, and as I said before by the smell of things some of you do to. What's the plans after that? Patrol?"
"Nope," insert Jake's dramatic pause here. "The Cullens'." Okey doke, getting the pause now. Pretty sure that caused the girl-smile to fall straight off my face. The guys however all gained evil little smiles. Despite my earlier decision I still had a lot of anxiety over Jasper. That little part of me couldn't help but taunt me with the idea that this was all some joke that fate was playing, that as soon as I accepted it and got to truly want it, it would all up and disappear. I will just have to push past that though. Scared me was a thing of the past, maybe only half a day in the past, but still the past. That was the plan I came up with in the shower. Channelling General Useless I'm just going to push through the pain. I managed to stick to the plan quite well, repeating it like a mantra throughout my shower and the walk to the edge of the woods. It was a touch harder when I had the guys sharing head space with me. They seemed to have an unnatural interest in the scenery around them, attempting to give me time to get myself together. It was sweet. Or it would have been if they hadn't heard that.
You think we're sweet? Jacob queried. Come on Leah. We said turn over a new leaf not move to a whole other forest.
Hardy-har-har, you're very funny Black. By the sniggering coming from his sidekicks they clearly thought so. If you hear any thoughts like that, any of you, it's in your best interests to ignore them. Got it?
Whatever you say sis. Just glad to have you back is all. Embry said. I'm pretty sure he meant that to be as sappy as it sounded. Maybe it is these non-men that were making me go so squidgy inside. It's a theory atleast.
Non-men?!?!?!?! We are plenty manly thank you. Seth said.
If you really want me to believe that you'd best not use puberty-pup as your spokes person. I have to admit, I have missed the banter. It's so much easier when you don't actually need to open your mouth. Sometimes my lazyness blows me away.
Blows us away to. Quil answered. Boy I really have lost the ability to filter my thoughts, they are getting everything! Not good, not good at all. Yeah we were trying to ignore that. Guess it might take you awhile to get back into the swing of things.
Yeah I think you're right, I answered. Even my mental voice sounded down at that. It just brought back the pain of denying the wolf. Before the whole imprint business I'd never really thought of the wolf as a separate thing, with it's own feelings but it is.
Explain that Lee. We are all confused about it. When you phased in we felt the pain and guessed it was to do with the wolf but what are you getting at? Jake asked reminding me they could hear.
Don't be embaressed Lee, we wanna know. Seth said clearly getting my emotions too. The others added their support to his comment.
Okay well you heard what I thought before right? At there agreement I continued clearly hesitant. I wasn't sure if this was just left over crazy from denying the imprint or if it had any value. When I was away it wasn't just the pain from being away from Jasper I felt. Well not just my pain at it. After awhile of not phasing my skin literally felt like it wanted to ripple off. Like the wolf was trapped and because I was ignoring it, it felt like it needed to burst out. I had to constantly fight against it. I'm just starting to realise how wrong that was.
So you think the wolf is separate from you? Embry asked, genuinely curious.
Not totally separate no. My wolf is definitely part of me. But I think like it's just a part of me, I'm just part of the wolf. It lets me be in control when I phase. When I was ignoring it, ignoring it's need to be near Jasper, I knew that when I phased I wouldn't be in control.
Hence the brain fuzzyness. Jake said almost to himself. Getting my confusion he explained how they couldn't get a clear read on my thoughts when I phased after the leech attacked.
Yeah that kinda just reinforces it for me. I need Jasper, but the wolf needs him more. I think the imprint is even more sacred to the wolves in us than to us. When the leech was touching me I lost control of myself, it felt like I wasn't in full control of my own body.
You think the blood-sucker touching you set the wolf off? I mentally nodded to Jake. Wow this is amazing. This is a whole new way for us to look at our wolves. I agree with you one hundred percent on the wolf needing the imprint more I've just never looked at it this way before. Jacob did sound fascinated by it all. Not much gets him like that these days apart from doll houses and tea parties.
HEY! You've imprinted now, you're supposed to be on our side Leah! Quil argued, the other doll lover jumping to his sole allies defence.
I think not Ken. You and Barbie over there are on your own. And yes Seth, I realise that wasn't up to my normal standards but I'm going nice 'member? Best to cut him off before he gets going. I haven't forgotten that Seth had gotten claws during my hiatus. Through his and Seth's combined huff, I got that Quil agreed with the wolf-imprint theory to. Seems I'd given us all some things to think about.
Aaaaand, we being the amazing MEN that we are, Jacob said using his smug voice, have managed to keep your thoughts off of Jasper. And now we're here. You can thank us later. Crap.