I do not own or have the rights to any of these characters.

After all that happened with Olivia and me when we were with Lewis there was a softening of the tension. Olivia called me into her office the day after my visit to the therapist. I assumed she was going to let me know she got the report and I was off of desk duty, as long as I followed-up on the therapy requirement. I walked into her office and she indicated I should close the door and take a seat.

"Amanda, I know you went to see the therapist and you are now cleared and off of desk duty. However, you must continue to attend sessions until I receive a report with a full release". I nodded my head that I understood. She continued to talk, "I want you to know that despite the things that have happened, and the fact that I was very close to removing you from this team, I know you are a good detective. You likely saved my life and I know you put yourself at sizeable risk. No matter what forces have driven you to make bad choices in your personal life, you are an asset. I think sometimes your ability to put yourself on the line, and take risks, is part of what leads you to make the choices that you do outside of here. If you want to stay on the force you are going to have to stop making those choices and stay on the straight path".

I again nodded my head. "Olivia, I know I owe you more than I can repay, and that the things I have done cannot be undone. I love my job, I love my team, and I am turning a corner, I want my job and I don't want that other life. I wish I could explain what drives me to gamble and get in so deep, but I can't".

Olivia interrupted at this point, "I think you and I both know some of what is behind it. I told you before that you need to take care of you and that you should talk to someone about everything that happened with your sister and even Nate. You can't have so many things happen in your life and expect it to go back to normal. I even remember you mentioned something happened in Atlanta, that it was part of why you transferred here. Have you ever talked to anyone about that"?

I looked up slightly, and shrugged. "Recently I talked about it with someone". I didn't mention that it was Fin. "It was a long time ago and seems so minor. I think you know that I don't open up and share… and going to this shrink is not easy. I like to handle my own problems and not put it all out there, especially to a stranger". Olivia was looking at me with the serious, concerned look she often had. I continued to talk, "I can't change what I did but I will make sure I work through it so I don't use gambling as my way of dealing with things again".

Olivia spoke again, "Amanda, we are an SVU squad; it seems you've been a victim yourself and yet you don't reach out and take the steps that we work to convince people to do daily. Don't you think it is time to stop feeling the shame, or whatever it is, and talk about it? You would tell anyone that was out there, and had been hurt, not to keep it a secret, to pursue justice. Maybe it is time for you to start doing that for yourself. I realize you do not see yourself as a victim, but you've been hurt a lot and my guess is that some of this is the result of abusive behavior by others, and not just your sister or Nate"?

I was fighting very hard not to let the tears break through. I was looking at something on the desk, keeping my eyes away from Olivia's. I felt like I did when I was the center of attention at a birthday party or giving a speech in college. I didn't know where to go from here. I knew I owed the team honesty and truth if I wanted their trust and respect. I decided I needed to tell Olivia at least what had happened in Atlanta. I told her the same thing I told Fin. I felt the heat in my face, and my brain was screaming to stop, this was mine to deal with. I ignored the internal scream.

When I finished I had not allowed myself to cry. I kept up my defenses and told it like I was reciting something that had happened to someone else. Once I was done there was silence. I looked up and saw Olivia was looking at me. "Amanda, you know what happened was not your responsibility and it was a criminal act, right? I'm sorry you weren't able to press charges. I know that isn't an easy thing to do, especially when you are a cop and the offender is another cop. Being a women in the force, and I can imagine it is even worse in some places, is tough. We have to prove ourselves in what is normally a boys club. We don't feel we can show weakness. However, we can't allow them to make it so we ignore things like rape. You were nearly raped and you should not have to pretend it didn't happen, even as a cop. I have had to work through that myself after Lewis. I felt like I let myself down, I still feel that way sometimes".

I nodded my head again, turned towards her, there was a break in my voice, "when we were with Lewis, I froze. When he took me in that other room I couldn't fight. I was terrified and would have done anything at that moment. I feel sick when I think about that. I'm supposed to be out there taking care of people and protecting them and I froze". A tear streamed down my cheek. "I had managed to stop thinking about what happened in Atlanta and it all came back. The only difference was this time I had the control of putting myself in the situation. But I still froze".

Olivia spoke, "you know as well as I do that we all have instincts that we need to follow…they tell us what is the most likely way to survive. You were fearless; you walked into that house and took on someone that anyone should have been afraid of. You don't think I was terrified both times? I'm just like you; I didn't want to show fear or weakness to the people around me. I haven't even told Cassidy about most of the things that happened. That is why I have to see the therapist; it is the only place I feel I can share openly right now".

I felt exhaustion, but also relief. I had finally talked about things that had been bottled up inside of me. I needed someone that I could share with and not have to act as if it didn't matter, like I was steel. I knew I had that with Olivia in this moment. We had never bonded, never become friends. After the past weeks I had pretty much shredded even the limited respect she might have once had for me. Somehow she was still able to use that same compassion she had for all of the victims we talked to every day, with me. Despite my failures, and the damage I had done, she was able to get me to open up and feel ok about it. She was gifted and had an ability to reassure, she made me feel almost comfortable sharing.

"Olivia, I know things aren't ok between us, and I have a long way to go to earn my place here. I need you to know that I have the utmost respect and admiration for you. I want to put this behind me. I've never felt that I could tell anyone about a lot of stuff. I have to be strong and take care of myself. I'm sorry about some of the things I've said in the past. I know you were trying to help".

She looked at me, nodded and said "I know".

She told me that was what she needed to tell me, that I was officially off of desk duty, "for now", and I needed to see the therapist until he cleared me… or "I would be facing a lot of trouble". I told her that I understood and thanked her. I got up and walked out of the office.

A couple of weeks later…

We all knew that Olivia was only a temporary leader and that at some point they would probably bring someone in that had a higher rank to fill the Captain's office. I still felt that Olivia wanted to be back in her old role. But I think it was a shock to all of us when we found out they had brought someone in to replace Captain Cragen. Olivia called us all into her office and informed us that the new guy would be starting the next day. She looked at me and stated that "Rollins has already worked with him", his name is Lieutenant Murphy. My entire body froze and all I could do was stand there speechless. I tried to recover quickly; none of them knew the dirty details of my interaction with Murphy. They just thought I'd been caught illegally gambling and worked undercover for him once I was busted.

Fin and Amaro grumbled and started asking why and who the heck was he anyway to walk in and take over SVU? Fin always hated change, so it was to be expected he would cry about it. Amaro didn't seem to sit well with the idea well either. At that point I remembered that he also had a run-in with Murphy. I almost smiled at that thought. It wasn't as bad to have hit your new boss as to have been at the point that I was at, but it still had some kind of charm to it. Olivia told us all to keep the griping to a minimum, act like adults and she looked at Fin and said "and accept change". We all walked out of the office in various states of unrest.

Fin's parting comment to Olivia was that, "I didn't like it when they moved my desk, now you want some new guy coming in telling us how to do our jobs? I don't like it, you were supposed to be the Cap and bust our chops". Olivia smiled and told Fin, "I'm sure you've said that every time you had a new Captain, and as I recall with each new partner, somehow you always manage". Amaro and I laughed and we all went back to our desks.

Now the dread was lingering over me. I couldn't even imagine having to walk in the next day and interact with Lieutenant Murphy as my boss. The voice in my head started pushing me to run, not to deal with it. I felt the urge to lose myself, gambling had always given that to me…I lost myself in the cards.