Disclaimer: Twilight and all its characters belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer.

X. Confused

Edward's POV

"Come on Edward, please tell me you believe me now. I'm tired of repeating the same thing over and over, but if it is what it takes, then I won't stop until you realize this!" Alice's voice broke the silence that had lasted for a long, peaceful time. She wasn't going to let this go, was she?

It was 7:31 in the morning and Bella could wake up at any moment. She still hadn't screamed once during the night, and I was unbelievably glad for it. Unfortunately, a certain little pixie had ruined the first night in months where my Bella had slept dreamlessly. I decided to ignore her. She had been saying the same things almost all night long, hiding her thoughts. I had to admit that some of them made a lot of sense. However, I kept shaking my head or disagreeing with her, trying to find flaws in her explanations, but if only she knew how much I wanted to believe her!

"Alice, she's going to wake up any minute now. When she does, we'll go out the window and you'll go back home." I said calmly. I was glad to see my sister, I really was, but all of this was too much at a time. I had been silent for months, enjoying the peace of watching my angel every second of the day, and suddenly my sister was there, trying to make me believe things I knew would only hurt. I just needed time, and space, to think about everything she had said.

"What? You really think I just came here to chitchat about the weather or just thought it would be fun to show you how miserable you both are? No dear brother, I came here to help, because I need my brother and my best friend back. Like it or not, I won't go until things are better here. And don't even think about trying to convince me to go, never bet against Alice, you say so yourself."

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. I knew on some level she was right, it was useless to argue with her over something that important. But I didn't like where this was going, she couldn't follow me all day long while I was already following Bella! This made no sense. No sense at all.

But before I could answer, Bella stirred in her sleep. Usually, she started screaming before she woke up, which made it easier, despite all the pain it hid. But this time, without any warning, her eyes fluttered open. Panicked, I looked at Alice, who seemed strangely calm. I hissed through my teeth, only loud enough for her to hear "Out the window, now!"

Fortunately, we were out of her room, clenching on the wall of her house, by the time she was really waking up. She sat up in her bed, and looked around, a look of surprise in her sad eyes. I heard Alice faintly gasping in horror, and for a second she forgot to block her thoughts from me. I shivered as I saw in her head what she had in front of her eyes for the first time. The sight of the real Bella, at least the person she had been during the past few months, not the Bella that had spent the previous night simply breathing in and out, smiling. Unfortunately, her peaceful sleep had had no effects at all on her state when she was awake. She was the same, destroyed, empty Bella that I had been watching for months, hoping she would get better. I threw a glance sideways at Alice, and whispered "I know", sadness overflowing in my voice.

Alice motioned to the ground, and we both landed in the backyard.

"This is so much worse than I thought! Have you seen her? We have to fix this somehow… But you still don't believe me, do you?" she spoke so fast I almost didn't understand.

"I told you, when she's awake… Last night it was just so different, so…" I said, before Alice cut me mid-sentence:

"Peaceful." She stated. And I could see it in her mind, the sweet Bella that had smiled all night long; the one I loved more than anyone. Long seconds dragged on with my thoughts far away from Alice, toward Bella, where they belonged.

"Yes", I whispered.

We were both silent for a moment, her eyes scrutinizing mine, trying to find something in them. But I didn't know what; even though she had now entirely let down her guard, her thoughts were too chaotic for me to even catch a coherent sentence. Suddenly, her voice broke the silence:

"Edward, how long has it been since the last time you went hunting?" Her question caught me off-guard.

"Why?" I asked, puzzled.

"Because you look thirsty and because I'm guessing there is some kind of "leaving her less often possible" rule in your new hobby."

She had guessed right, of course. Either because she was very perceptive or it was just obvious. Unfortunately, I knew it was because of the first explanation. As always, in the rare occasions she was uncertain of something, Alice guessed with her usual intuition. Sometimes it was quite annoying, but on some level it was useful to live with someone who knew me so well, even though she didn't always use it wisely.

"No Alice, I can't go hunting. Not tonight, or any of the following days for that matter." I didn't want to leave Bella, not when she looked like she was about to lose it. The whole accident thing had made me more worried than ever about her safety or her sense of self-preservation.

"I really think you need to feed, your eyes are darker than I have ever seen them. If you really don't want to leave her unprotected, I could take over, you know. I really don't mind." Of course she didn't. But I was afraid she would talk to her, I knew Alice as much as she knew me. And she was apparently determined to have things back the way they were, so I didn't have the slightest doubt she would enjoy the fact that I was gone and jump on the opportunity. We couldn't mess with Bella's life any more than we already had, I wouldn't allow it. It was the least I could do and I was determined to complete my goal as much as Alice was.

"No, I'm sorry but I'll stay here. I can control myself; you could go on without me you know. Or you could home…" I trailed off, hearing the hope in my voice.

She put on an evil grin. "Not a chance".

"Of course" I sighed.

It was 20:16 and Bella was deeply asleep. I sat in the rocking chair, as usual, watching as her chest rose and fell evenly. It had been a calmer day than I had thought it would be; I had expected worse now that my beloved sister had irrupted back into my life. Somehow, I had managed to convince Alice to go hunting and made her promise she wouldn't be back until tomorrow morning. But I did hear what she thought when she left.

"He needs some space; maybe that will be useful for his tiny brain to process what is obvious. But if only he understood! They look so cute, so perfect together…" And then she was too far away for me to hear anything else. I ignored the tiny brain comment; she was only desperate for me to understand. Instead, I smiled, knowing I would finally have some peace.

During the day, Bella had gone back to her… normal self. Well, what had been normal lately at least. On the bright side, she still hadn't screamed once. Maybe the nightmares that seemed to be haunting her were really gone.

I couldn't postpone this anymore. It was time, time for me to think about everything. About what Alice had said, about what I wanted to believe more than anything, about something that I had been desperately trying to understand for months.

But I was confused; I couldn't see the difference between what I knew and what I wanted to be true anymore. Maybe it was too fast, too much information to process at a time. But wasn't it how it was supposed to happen? The slow built-up to the crescendo, the sudden blinding epiphany after months of clueless, useless wondering?

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my noise, and tried very hard to think clearly, gathering everything I knew together.

Bella was devastated and her state hadn't changed much. If anything, it had been getting worse. I mean for heaven's sake, she had almost tried to kill herself! I was no expert on the subject but for me, standing in front of a car that you know is going to end your life, without even trying to run away, was a suicide attempt. So it was clear that Bella's state was now critical, maybe even a matter of life or death at this point.

She had been in this empty, painful state ever since last September, when I had come back from Alaska. A few days after I had talked to her in the forest, after I had told the biggest lies I had ever told, after I had said I didn't love her anymore, after I had left her, I realized slowly…

And now, because of all this, because Bella had loved me in the past, because apparently it was crystal clear to everyone but me, and because Alice would always be Alice, my dear sister was trying to convince me that it was all my fault.

On some level, I wanted to believe her. Because I was selfish, and because deep down I wanted to know I truly meant enough for her to put herself in that miserable state. I was the most despicable person that had ever existed.

But on the other hand, I just couldn't believe her. I couldn't allow myself to give in this terrible temptation, to live the illusion, to take the risk of making a bigger mess than the one I might have caused. And I couldn't imagine that a delicious creature, an angel such as Bella would ever want me back in her life. I was already beyond grateful for every second she had spent with me, for every moment that had felt like heaven, for every time her generous, forgiving heart had ignored my endless selfishness, for every ounce of dazzling happiness her smile had brought.

I suddenly felt an impulse. I needed to be near to her, close enough to feel her sweet breath on my face, maybe to allow my fingers to touch her translucent skin…

Usually, I would have stopped thinking about this immediately, and I would have desperately tried to distract myself. But not now, not tonight. Tonight, there were no more boundaries, no more limits. At least not this limit.

In less than a second, I was sitting on the side of her bed. I stayed like this for a few moments, simply watching her breathing evenly, her chest moving slightly. I slowly leaned closer, not wanting to ruin this opportunity by rushing into it. Technically, I had touched her the previous day, saving her from the accident. But this time, it was so much more beautiful. There wasn't any rush, I had plenty of time. I didn't have to let her go so quickly. I wanted to enjoy this feeling, this moment. I didn't know how long it would be until I would get another one.

And then I was lying on the bed next to her, face to face. I spent a long time like this, maybe minutes, maybe hours, I didn't care. Finally, I approached my cold, hard hand toward her face. So slowly it seemed like an eternity. I gently stroked her cheek with my fingertips, a movement so slight it could have been taken for a caress of the wind. I traced a line along the side of her jaw, ending on the edge of her mouth, at the corners of her lips, letting the euphoria gain my body. Euphoria. There was truly no other word to describe it. It was like I could finally live again, emerging from the water when I had been drowning for months. She intoxicated me, made it impossible for me to breathe, which only would have been a problem if I were human. I needed her like a drug. She was to me what the brand of heroin was to the addict. She had me addicted, intoxicated, in a way that would never make me wish for my freedom or my air back. She was my beautiful, sweet, oversensitive, blushing, loving Bella.

She smiled faintly, so faintly I wasn't even sure it had been real. Just in case she woke up, I eventually removed my hand and reluctantly took my eyes off of her face, toward the ceiling.

"Edward…" her beautiful voice whispered.

My head spun so quickly it would have dislodged, had I not been a vampire. My burning gaze flew to her closed eyelids, toward the peaceful smile floating on her lips. She was still asleep.

I guessed I shouldn't have been surprised. My thoughts shouldn't have rushed back into chaos, my lips shouldn't have stretched into a wide smile, my body shouldn't have been exuding this euphoria. But in that very moment, it didn't matter. As I put everything together, it all suddenly clicked in my head with a burst of intuition.

She had said my name in her sleep before. In her nightmares. And even though I had sensed that the tone was calmer each time my name crossed her lips than it was when she pronounced any other word, I had always ended up by interpreting it as some sort of indifference. Of relief. As if she had had some kind of burden removed, almost as if she didn't care. Because she shouldn't have cared, right?

I knew my interpretation didn't make much sense, but at the time I was even more lost than in that moment. I didn't care about these details when I was still having a hard time realizing what a mess she was.

But now I was ready to think about this, and to realize nothing I had thought up until now made sense. And, for the first time in months, I noticed the longing in her angel voice when she said my name.

That simple, beautiful sound gave me hope. It was as if the clouds had disappeared and left a clear, shimmering sky. And I realized the most wonderful thing ever.

Bella missed me. Maybe she even still loved me a little. Alice was right. Everything she had said was right. I had been stubborn and stupid, in addition of selfish and despicable. But, in that moment, I couldn't care less, as long as she missed me, as long as I meant something to her. The smile stretched even wider across my face, as I was still trying to allow myself to think these words. These beautiful, wonderful, magic words.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this chapter, and I know some of you were expecting it so I would really like to hear what you thought about it... And I know I've said it a lot of times before but every fanfiction author does, so please REVIEW! I've seen my stats and I know it's possible to get a lot of reviews...

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