TGIF, am I right? I want to start by thanking each and everyone of you for your reviews! You guys are so kind. I love this fandom!

SoFeelingTheLove Beta'd.

I own nothing.

Rated [M]

Jay P.O.V

Am I being selfish?

I keep asking myself this question. I keep pondering if putting a target on Erin's back is worth it. But then her lips are on mine and her scent is invading my nose and all my worries evaporate faster than a snowball thrown into hell. She makes me forget all the pains and troubles, makes me forget even how fucked up this world is. I haven't allowed myself to be this happy, this content. I forgot what it felt like, I forgot how powerful this feeling is.

And now I can't go back. I'm not strong enough to stay away from her. Erin is an addiction I don't want to quit.

I plan our date - I want to do this right - and I even have a backup plan in case the weather outside decides to be uncooperative. After what Erin went through the last month, I just want it to be good. I scavenge the Refuge and find some twinkling lights, a table and chairs, and even some candle sticks. I talk to the cooks in the kitchen and they help me put together a small pasta dinner. Anything for Erin, they say. This girl - my girl - has charmed her way through everyone's heart, and I'm not one bit surprised.

I set everything up on the roof and on Friday night, after everyone has retreated to their rooms, Erin and I sneak up there. She's wearing a simple dress and her hair is loose around her face. She looks beautiful. She is looking at me, staring into my eyes, and I know I will never get used to this—happiness so intense and contentment so real it stuns me.

"You are taking me on a date on the roof?" She raises an eyebrow in question.

"Hey, you said it was your favorite place," I tell her. I turn the latch and push the door. I climb the ladder ahead of her and help her up. The look on her face when she sees what I've done with the place is one I will remember forever.

Erin covers her mouth as she takes It all in. "Jay, this is…." Her words falter. "How did you- How come -The lights? And the candles?" She gasps. "Mmm…and that smell? What is it?"

I take her hand and kiss her knuckles and walk us to the table. I pull the topper from our plates and the aroma amplifies. "Pasta," I tell her.

"How did you-"

"-I don't reveal my secrets," I tell her. I give her a genuine smile when she looks back at me still awe struck. I pull a chair out for her and we sit. The night air is still warm, and the moon and stars are especially bright.

"I've never been on a date like this," she says. Happiness is radiating off of her, and her smile is brighter than I've seen before.

"Me neither," I confess. Under the moonlight I notice she has more freckles on her nose than on her cheeks. I love freckles, I decide. I lean towards her to kiss her, and she smiles before kissing me back. "Let's dig in?" I say. "Before it gets cold."

I pull a half used wine bottle I borrowed from the kitchen and pour ourselves a glass – except it's not a glass, but two coffee mugs. It was the best I could find. I take a sip and it goes down easy. We talk in between bites and I can't help looking at her, thinking how beautiful she is, how unbelievable this moment is. Erin is just chatting away not even noticing that I'm staring at her. The urge to touch her is so strong that I can't help but reach over and tuck a curl behind her ear.

She stops talking and looks at me and smiles, her dimples appearing on cheeks that are now soft shade of pink.

"So," she says around a mouthful of pasta. I can see a bit of hesitation before she asks, "Have you always known you were a donor?"

I chew the last bit of the food in my mouth. "Yeah. I wasn't born in a city hospital; therefore, I wasn't tested at birth. So my mom had my brother and I tested when we were young. My mom had a friend who worked at the testing facility and she warned her about the results. So we ran away from our faction in Canaryville. We were nomads for a long while."

"That must've been hard."

I shrug. "Not at first. But as I grew older and began understanding I was the reason we were nomads…Yeah, it sucked. It didn't help that my dad never let me forget it. But I learned a lot on the road: self-defense, survival skills, you know?"

Erin nods. "I wasn't a nomad, but more like a drifter." She takes a sip from her mug. "I never knew my dad; and my mom…. Well, she was very friendly with men. So we were always jumping from place to place. But I already told you that."

"I guess everyone has a story, uh?" I offer. "Something to tell future generations."

Erin frowns and a skeptic smile pulls at the corners of her lips. "Future generations?"

My eyes widen. I suddenly realize how my comment must have sounded to her. "I didn't mean it… like other people, you know? Just, it..." I realize I'm not making any sense. I must look crazy.

Erin smiles, amused. "What? You don't want kids?" She asks.

The answer is simple. No. Although many may think being a donor is some sort of blessing, I disagree. My life has been nothing but hardships – until Erin, that is. I don't want to bring a kid knowing that there is a 50% chance of him or her inheriting my genetic misfortune. God, this isn't the place I've envisaged having this conversation. If I'm being honest, I haven't planned on having this conversation at all. I look up at her, she bites her lips as she waits for my answer.

"No," I answer her truthfully.

To my surprise, she nods, nonchalantly. "Don't think I can have them anyways." She shrugs.

I feel like an idiot. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…it was stupid-"

"Jay," she takes a sip form her mug, "It's fine. It's common knowledge that kids don't come around naturally anymore. How many kids do you see around the Refuge?"

I think about it. I actually haven't seen any.

"That's why the cities have surrogacy and in vitro." Erin smiles. "I was just pulling your chain," she says grinning from ear to ear, those pesky dimples in full display. "You look cute all flustered."

I feel the hot blush sweep across my face and I'm struck with silence. She got me good.

"And no, kids are not in my plan either. My life is already crazy as is. I can't imagine adding another person to the mix."

I release a breath I didn't know I was holding. "I just can't think of having a kid that's like me in this fucked up world, you know? I don't wish this life on my worst enemy."

She nods understandingly. "Hopefully it's not that bad now," she offers shyly. Her eyes holding a glint of hope.

"No," I shake my head. "It's not that bad now." I reach for her hand across the table. "In fact, everything is pretty great, right?"

"Everything is pretty great," she agrees.

We finish eating and move our chairs so we are sitting side by side, looking out into the nothing. A permanent smile rests on Erin's face, not fixed or phony. It's there and it's relaxed. The night breeze is still warm and it brushes against our cheeks. I get a whiff of vanilla, I think, and it makes me want to draw her closer. Silence falls, and with anyone else, I would have felt a little awkward quietly siting here. But with her, I feel completely at ease.

"You know," She says, breaking the silence. "I never told anyone this, but ever since I was a little kid I've wanted to see the ocean," she tells me, her face breaking into a smile.

"Really?"

"Yeah." Erin wraps her arms around herself and her eyes have that faraway look in them.

"There isn't much to look at," I tell her.

"What? You've seen one?" She asks me, her eyes widening in anticipation for my answer.

"I've seen many," I tell her. "Most weren't a sight you want to see, though."

The light in her eyes dims a little. "I've seen the pictures and I dream of the water lapping against my ankles… I dream of submerging from head to toe in it."

I smile at her imagery. "There was one lake, up north that was clean enough to swim in it. But it was a long time ago, doubt that it's still there."

She smiles, though it doesn't reach her eyes. "When all this is over, I'm going east – they say the waters are still intact there." She exhales and stretches her legs in front of her. "What about you? What do you want to do when all this is over?"

"Uh," I have not thought that far ahead, and the question catches me off guard. "I don't know," I tell her honestly.

"What did you dream about when you were a kid?"

I chuckle. "Um..." I think. "I've always wanted to own a motorcycle. But I never could. Draws too much attention."

Erin nods. "Yeah, you're right. Maybe one day."

"Oh, definitely."

Erin leans against me and I shift my arm and slide it around her, pulling her against my side. The sweet smell of vanilla invades my nostrils again. I can't help but bury my nose in her hair. It smells just as sweet, and I can't get enough of it. I'm addicted to her and nothing is changing that. Not now, not ever.

"Do you think we'll be able to take down the Aedes," she asks me, her tone turned serious. "You know better than us how they operate. Do you think we have a chance against then?

"If we find Mouse, I think we have a good chance," I tell her honestly.

"We've been looking for him for weeks now and he hasn't turned up."

"He is out there," I say. "We just need to keep looking."

Erin releases a tired sigh. "I hope you're right."

We spend the rest of the night watching the patrolmen change shifts down below. The previously warm breeze turns cool. I take off my sweater and wrap it around Erin's shoulders and she nestles even closer to me. It surprises me how much I want to stay longer. I'm almost floating; that's how good I feel.

x

There's no one in the hallway when we walk back to her room. Everything is dark and quiet. When we reach her door she pauses before going inside, eyes glancing to see if anyone is around.

"I had fun tonight," she says.

"Me too."

We both stand there - watching the other - not knowing how to proceed. I touch a long lock of her silky hair and then tug my sweater closer under her chin, little touches I'm not sure why I need. But I do. All I know is I don't want to tell her goodbye.

Then she looks up at me, and there it is. That smile I would do anything for. I slowly lean in and press my lips against hers. Her mouth is soft, too, and she tastes sweet as I slide my tongue against hers. She quietly moans, then parts her lips for me, taking a fist full of my shirt in her hands, gently pulling closer. The sensation from the kiss both kills me and brings me back to life in the same breath. Then it grows hotter, deeper, more and more intense with every second that our lips and tongues collide. I find myself sliding my hands down her shoulders so I can pull her even closer.

"Maybe I should go," I whisper against her lips as our mouths moves us into more and more dangerous territory.

"Mm-hmm," she agrees, but our lips don't part. In fact, she begins to walk backwards, pulling me inside with her. I can't do a single thing about it.

Maybe we are moving too fast. I have every intention of taking it slow with her. I don't want to disturb what we have by rushing it. But I can't let her go, can't stop kissing her. I can't get enough of her.

"Erin-"

She pulls away slightly and whispers, "Stay."

All the blood that hadn't already rushed south, takes a trip in that direction.

"Okay," is all I can muster to say.

Erin breathes out and starts unbuttoning my shirt. I watch her pop the buttons through the holes, enjoying her touch as she pushes the halves of my shirt aside. She moves her hands behind my back, skating across my skin beneath the shirt, and when she scores her nails lightly down, I shudder. At that she smiles mischievously and kisses me, lifting her arms around my neck.

She kicks the door close behind us and our lips find one another again. Erin's soft in my arms, all curves and silky skin, and I mold her to me, enjoying the feel of her body against mine.

Moving back, I lead us to the bed, where I sit and pull her down with me. She stretches out on top of me, then lowers her mouth to mine, and we kiss. I relish in the gentle exploration of her tongue and the way she nibbles on my bottom lip with her teeth. In the mean time, smooth my hands down over her waist, her hips, her backside, then back up. Holding her tightly, I twist so she's underneath me. She goes for my pants, but I wrap my hands around her wrists to still them. I sit back on my heels and lift her up to a sitting position, then catch the hem of her dress.

I paused to look at her. I need to know we're on the same page. "This okay?"

She doesn't say anything, but the look in her eyes floors me - all heat and fire, her green irises like blazing emeralds.

She lifts her arms and I pull her dress over her head and the view (no bra) promptly robs me of my breath.

"You're so beautiful," I tell her and she blushes.

I lightly drag my fingertips down her arm and watch goosebumps form. Learning all the ways her body will react to me is going to be my newest obsession.

I ease her back down on the bed and kiss up from her belly. My lips brush over a scar – thin and curved - just above her hip. I make a note to ask about it later. I continue to kiss my way up until I reach her breasts. I glide over them gently, then circle my thumbs over the tips, feeling them harden, and then tug them until a moan escapes her lips. I do it again. I cover them with my mouth and lave it with my tongue, and she rocks her hips against mine. The movement is rhythmic, insistent, her breathing deepening and it's no surprise that my erection is testing the strength of my zipper right now.

"Oh God." She balls the sheets in her fists and her heels push against the mattress.

Encouraged, I stay there for a while, teasing her sensitive skin with the tip of my tongue, grazing my teeth on it, and then sucking, gentle at first, then adding a bit more pressure. Her eyes flutters open, and her lips part. I can't ignore them, but I still have plans for her. I dust my lips across hers and move lower. I kiss down her ribs, plant a kiss over her belly, and then shift until I lay between her tights, she lifts up on her elbows to stare at me.

Holding her gaze, I stare deeply into her eyes until I see her grant me permission. I ease her underwear down, part her folds with my hands, and bend my head and run my tongue up her middle. Her hips buck. I grin.

Her hands cover her face. I crawl up to push them away and kiss her. "Do you want me to stop?" I ask. "Just say the word. We can stop right here."

I chew on the inside of my lip, waiting for her to reply, then kiss her again when she shakes her head. "Don't stop."

I ease myself back down her body. With my finger and my lips, I touch and kiss every inch of her. Stopping and staying wherever it is that makes her start moving underneath me. I'm hard as a rock, but all I can focus on is her, her sounds, her taste, how soft she is – all slick and warm. I slide my tongue inside her as far as I can before coming back up to circle over her clit. I smile against her when she calls out my name.

When her body arches to press more fully into my touch, something deep inside me snaps. I have to fight not to rise and slide into her – every cell in my body is crying out for me to lose myself in her soft flesh and thrust us both to a blissful conclusion.

I don't though. I arouse her as slowly as I can bear, lapping up her moisture, teasing her with the tip of my tongue. I can feel her body tensing around me, the muscles in her thighs and stomach starting to tighten, her breaths turning ragged and I know she's on her way.

So I slow, even more, wanting to make this good for her. Every brush of my tongue is now making her gasp. She groans and pants with pleasure, and finally I push her over the edge. I guide her through it and take my time to lick her gently and kiss her thighs before finally lifting up and lying next to her.

She turns her head to look at me. Her face is flushed, her mouth open, and her eyes look dazed.

"Nice?" I ask sheepishly.

She releases a sultry belly laugh. "Mmmm…Nice is not the word I would use to describe what you just did."

"C'mere." I pull her into my arms and she curls up beside me, soft and warm.

I feel as if the world has faded away. The Aedes, the missions, the loneliness– everything is in a shadow, and all that exists is Erin and I. I can already tell I will never get enough of her. I'm crazy about her in a way I've never been crazy about any woman in my life.

"What's this? You have a tattoo of a barcode?" She asks, running her hand over my bicep. "51163."

"It's my donor barcode." I tell her, toying with her hair, stroking it absently, fingers tangling in the silky stands. "That way the Aedes can keep track of all their donors. They scan it whenever they give us food, medication, or any sort of treatment. Every time they collect blood they slap our barcode on the bags."

She nods. "Have you thought about removing it?"

"I've tried. But they made it so you can't. I would have to cut my arm off."

"That would be a shame. I like you arm." She places a kiss there and her eyes skate over my body, exploring me in a way that makes me shiver. She touches the side of my pants with her fingertips and looks at me. "There's a lot that I like," she says suggestively and rises on her palms.

Erin smiles sultry and mysterious, and kisses my collar bone, my shoulder. She runs one fingertip down the center of my body so lightly that it tickles and excites me at once. How can one fingertip send so much heat through my body? She follows that finger with her tongue, stopping every few seconds to lavish my feverish flesh with an openmouthed kiss. Every time I feel her mouth settle over my skin, it sends a shiver of anticipation right through me.

"You're a little behind," she says and pulls my pants, taking my boxers with it in a move is so fast it leaves me completely stunned. She looks at me with those hazel-green eyes simmering with desire, then bends over and runs her tongue over my tip and holy shit I just about crawl out of my skin.

I hiss when she takes me whole, running her mouth up and down my length. First quickly that it feels like I'm going to explode, then slowing and tightening until I'm arching my back and gripping the sheets. My god. This woman. This amazing woman. I find it hard to think with my senses rapidly overriding my brain. After only a few minutes of this, I can't take any more.

I'm breathing as if I've run a sprint. "I don't think," breath. "I can, God," breath. "Erin, I'm gonna..."

Releasing me, she runs kisses back up my stomach, over my chest and neck. Her nose pushing into my skin, her mouth causing my nerves to tingle. She sits up, moves her hair to one side, and straddles me - her warm, wet heat against me, it's searing. I bend my knees and she guides me between her folds. My breath hisses through my teeth and I gently thrust up into her. She gasps and I wonder if I've hurt her.

Before I open my mouth to ask, she says, "I'm okay."

"I don't want to hurt-"

"-You're not," she assures me and starts to move on top of me.

She places her hands on my hips and begins rocking steadily over me, swaying our connected bodies in sweet torment. Her thrusts quicken and my whole body sizzles. It crackles. It pops. It's ready to snap. I'm losing control. I try to go slow. I try as hard as possible to be gentle, but the way she's moving against me, with me, I can't hold back. Erin senses I'm near release, so she tightens around me and her thrusts become even faster, harder. I want to let her know how good this feels, how good she feels, but the words get stuck in my throat.

Unspeakable pleasure barrels through me – rocks me to my bones. Thankfully, she is right there with me. Her body grips and she comes, too. Hard. When we are no more than a panting heap of limbs on the bed, I pull back to look at her. Even though her eyes are closed, she is smiling. It's infectious. She looks blissfully happy. And that's exactly how I feel right now. I kiss her lips. Nothing in my damn life has ever felt this right.

Thanks you for reading! Always love hearing your take on the chapters. Cheers!