As always, my house is the first thing I see when nearing Megaton. But this time, there's a figure in front of it. I know who it is, and I drop Jason's wrist from my hand. I hadn't noticed I was still holding it, until I realized Cain could see me. My heart begins to beat a little harder and the familiar anger and discomfort return in my chest. Cain begins to walk towards me, and Jason picks up on subconscious cues.
"A friend?"
He asks, and I shake my head while trying to hide the terrified tone in my voice. Why am I so nervous?
"No. Not for a long time."
"Where did you go?"
Cain says to me as we meet. Cold, uncaring, monotone. His eyes aren't filled with worry, his face is set in stone. As usual, there's no emotions. A t least, none that I can read.
"For a walk."
He glances behind me at the seven ghouls, one of them glowing.
"Who are these people?"
"My friends. They're my friends."
"He's a glowing one."
"…He's just like me. His name is Jason."
Cain shows expression when I say Jason and I are the same. As if something in his mind connects. It stays only for a fleeting moment on his face, but I know it's there. He pays them no more mind or care, and grabs my bare hand.
"You seven head to the workshop in the center of town. Gob's shop. You can't miss it. I need to speak to her."
"I never caught your name."
Jason says before heading towards Gob's shop, which very obviously has GOBS written on a large sign in front.
"I never told you. It's Dizzy."
Jason puts his hand out to me, and I shake it. Warmth, not normal warmth, the warmth and comfort radiation brings. I return the favor, and my hand glows.
"I'll see you soon, Dizzy."
He and his followers part from me, vanishing into the crowd of Megaton where nobody gives them a second glance. Cain holds fast to my arm, his grip tighter than I remember.
"Where did you go? How did you meet those people?"
Pulling from him, I take my arm back and start to put my gloves back on.
"I went for a walk. I met them in the Wasteland. It's none of your business."
"You could have been killed. Do you even have a weapon on you? No, you don't, because I found it in the house."
"I'm fine, it's no big deal. Even if I was, it wouldn't have mattered. Not to you."
"It…would have."
"Only because you need me to live."
He doesn't deny or argue it. I glare at him, if I could shoot angry daggers from my eyes right into his face, believe me I'd be doing it.
"Don't glare at me because of your incompetence."
"Whatever. I should head to Gob's and help Jason. I don't think they've ever been in a safe place before."
Once again, Cain grabs me to prevent me from leaving.
"What importance do they have to you? Did they save you?"
"No. Let me go and stop it. I told you we could go to your stupid ruins soon enough."
"What importance do they have, Dizzy?"
"…Jason is just like me. He's just like me, Cain. I didn't even know another 'me' was out there. But there is. And you have no clue how much it means to me."
"Why?"
I don't know. I can't explain it. But I know saying that will only have Cain laughing at my 'incompetence' even more.
"You can't say. Be cautious, Dizzy. You won't have me around to save you much longer."
"…I don't care. I can save myself."
"Bringing home seven strange ghouls doesn't exactly prove that."
"How? I made a friend. I found someone just like me! I found someone…someone who knows what it's like! Someone who-"
"Was made for you?"
His words stop my sentence short.
"…No, Cain. Someone who can understand the feeling of being able to make yourself explode if you wanted to die badly enough. Someone who understands what it's like to feel different and isolated from the world. Someone who can empathize and relate to me."
"Right."
No more words. No more talking. I storm away from Cain. I know he'll be alright. By him grabbing me he's probably refueled all he needs for the day. There's no reason for me to stand by him. No reason for me to spend any more time with him. I just want to lose myself in Megaton. I want to find Jason, and learn about him. Not so much his teachings, as I've never been good at following orders from someone, but more just him.
"We'll leave for the Citadel Ruins in the morning!"
Cain shouts to me as I vanish into the crowd. Soil moves beneath my feet, the faster I rush to the center of town. I don't care. If going that will make him leave me forever, then so be it. We'll go in the morning. We'll go, but just let me talk to Jason first. Let me make sure that this person will be here when I get back. I just found someone. I don't…really want to lose them right away.
Finding myself at Gob's, I hesitate before opening the door. Voices inside tell me that serious talks are taking place. Most noticeably, the robotic echo of Jason's. Then Gob's, and sometimes the child, Boone. With my hand on the knob, I know somewhere Cain is watching me. Like my father, Cain is always watching me. A part of me seeks a strange comfort in it. The other part, wants to never have to deal with it again.
Pushing open the door, everyone in the room greets me. Jason, his six followers, Gob, and…Zack. It's Zack who breaks the silence of my entrance first. A smile spreads on his face as he rushes towards to embrace me in a large, well-needed hug.
"Dizzy…"
He says as his face is buried into my neck while he lifts me into the air. My friend. My old and dear friend. I press my own face into his cheek and feel his familiar warmth, his familiar scent. My old friend, who has a bit of gray in his hair, and whose eyes are tired and worn from life. But he still has a spark in them. He, at least, is still happy.
"Dizzy how are you? How have you been? Dad told me you came back but I've been so busy I haven't been able to touch base with you. Tell me all about it! How was it?"
I laugh as we leave our embrace; it's truly good to see him.
"I'm fine. It's great to see you too. Don't worry about it; I was off doing my own thing. I can tell you all about it later but I think my friends here need some help first, if that's alright."
"These are your friends? Like, you know them? Can you vouch for them? They want to set up a base here, and given that Megaton isn't keen on religious folk, I was unsure if they're trustworthy."
"We're just happy that us being ghouls has no effect on the choice on if we can stay or not."
One of Jason's followers says, and it gives me a bit of relief to hear that they believe me now. Turning back to Zack, I look up at him and nod.
"They're alright. I'm sure we can make an agreement that they will practice in solitude and not force anyone to follow. In return, they should be allowed to stay."
Zack nods, taking my words into consideration. Until they're able to build their own homes, they can stay down where travelers often stay, in saloons or temporary housing near the Hole. This seems to please everyone, and the Bright Brotherhood begins to whisper among themselves. Plans on what to build, how to build, and where to get materials and resources. It won't be as hard as they're suggesting. Once a plot of land is approved by Zack, then they can begin to gather materials. While Megaton does have currency in caps, as everyone does, mostly it's a barter system. Agreed upon by all parties beforehand, whomever chooses to help will trade their materials or labor in return for something later on. Like I said before, usually agreed upon beforehand, so all parties are happy. Zack has to be present for all deals and agreements, usually made within or around Gob's shop. That way, nobody can claim they're getting 'ripped off' and the story isn't construed or manipulated. This is also good in case a traveler doesn't have caps to pay for resources or materials, or whatever else they may need. My father made this system a while ago, and it's seemed to have done rather well. Sure there are a few disagreements here and there, but that's why the sheriff is present.
The air in Gob's shop seems happy, and lighthearted as we move into the back so Gob can handle some customers. Boone follows Zack, myself, and the seven ghouls. I can't hear their words over the sound of everyone's footsteps, but I wish I could. I want to know their plans, if they intend to stay, and what they plan to do while here. When we reach the back room, Boone turns on a light as there's no windows to let the sun in. Zack takes a seat in the far corner, and offers the one next to me. The seven Bright Brotherhood gather in a small circle and continue their whispers, but I can tell by their faces, they're excited.
"Where do you think we should put them?"
I think for a moment, before taking Zack's offer to sit beside him.
"How about behind the saloon? It's at the edge of the grass line, and set back enough away from anyone if they were to feel uncomfortable."
"Good point. I'll draw up a land plot and give it to them in the next few days."
Being sheriff also comes with the happy title of 'mayor' as well, thus the reason Zack's involved in so many politics around Megaton. Dad was, too. Remembering dad makes my chest hurt. Like this morning, I still miss him, and mom. I'd give anything to have their guidance right now.
"You alright?"
Zack asks as he notices the far-off look I have on my face.
"Yeah. Just remembering my dad."
He gives me a knowing smirk and nods, going over some paperwork on the desk in front of him. There's a silence, other than Boone playing with his toys, and the hushed murmurs of the Bright Brotherhood in front of us.
"You guys can take off whenever you like. I've no more business to conduct and will have your land plot paperwork sometime this week. After that, you may begin to build."
Zack says without looking up as he goes over letters, reports, and other miscellaneous papers. Jason steps forward, trying not to smile, but not doing a good job of hiding the happiness on his face.
"Thank you. We cannot express how grateful we are to you, Sheriff. And to you, too, Dizzy."
Jason looks over at me, and I give him a small smile. There's just a lot on my mind right now, I suppose.
"When you have a moment, could we walk around town together? I'd like to speak with you."
Jason says to me and I nod my head.
"Yeah, give me a bit."
"I will wait outside. My people will find lodging until we have our own home."
He depart, and Zack sighs loudly and noticeably.
"Strange voice he has, that one."
"Might be the effect of radiation."
I say to Zack, leaning back in my chair. I know he wants to hear about the Commonwealth, if we made it, and what our plans are now. But I don't want to revisit those memories right now. I just don't have the energy to, especially after the constant fighting with Cain. I guess the fighting is probably better than the silence, though. Right now, I can't figure which one I want more.
"Could be. I don't have time to chat right now though, Diz. I'm sorry about that. Want to grab a drink sometime soon though? Being sheriff is a lot more work than I intended."
Good, because I don't feel like talking.
"I should go see what's up with Jason anyways. Thanks for helping them out, by the way. I have to go to the Citadel Ruins tomorrow, but I'll find you for that drink when I get back."
Upon mentioning the ruins, Zack looks up at me. His eyes and face twist into an emotion I know all too well.
"…Don't do anything to risk the future of this town, Dizzy."
"I won't. You know that."
"Not if you're like your mother I don't."
I chuckle before waving goodbye and departing from the back room. Zack has been around since before I was born. He knew my mom from his baby-years and onward. Zack knew my parents longer than I was allowed to know them. Mainly because I wasn't even a slight thought in their brain when he was younger. But, he was there for even the very beginning stages of their romance, disappearance, return and so much more. In a way, I envy that. I spent a lot of my teen years away from my parents, when really I should have spent it with them. Learning, talking, and doing things together. It's a regret I won't ever come to terms with. Especially now when I need them in my life more than ever before.
"Are you alright?"
Jason's voice startles me as I step out into the bright sunlight from Gob's. For a moment, I forgot he was waiting for me. But, here he is, just like he said he would be. The familiar feeling of being watched, and watched carefully, creeps into my body.
"Would you like to walk, and talk about it?"
I nod at his request, and side by side, together, we walk behind Gob's and venture out and away from Megaton, trailing only the bare perimeter of the town. Or now, would it be considered a city?
"What's troubling you?"
Jason asks, as I purposefully step on small pebbles and kick them in front of me.
"It's nothing. Just a lot of things going on right now."
I don't want to talk about it. I still feel like I'm being watched. If Cain is watching, then he'll be trying to listen, and he'll know if I talk about him. I have to be careful with what I share about Cain. Lord knows who's an enemy these days, although I don't want to think that about Jason.
"Listening is part of my job as a leader. I am here if you need an ear."
"Hrm. You see your position as a job?"
"Sometimes, it's difficult to give answers that people seek. Sometimes I'm not even sure I have all the answers they expect of me."
"That just shows you're more human than you think."
He chuckles, and I smile at him, shoving my hands into my pockets.
"I suppose you're right."
"What do you intend to do now that you're in Megaton?"
We stop walking by a small puddle of irradiated water, and sit beside it. Moths to a flame, my father would say.
"Live. Relax. Take faith in the future and see where it goes. My people and I have never found such a place, and with each moment I start to believe more and more that we have found our Far Beyond within the confines of Megaton. Thank you, Dizzy, for sharing it with us."
I should thank him. His simple presence does more for me than he can understand. Than even I can understand. A cool breeze makes me shudder, and I look up towards the sky. Cain is still watching me, I can feel it.
"You mentioned your father was a ghoul. I'm interested in your story, Dizzy. If you don't mind sharing."
I shrug, laying down. The puddle beside me that separates Jason and I emits a comforting warmth in the cooling afternoon air. It's the small things you have to appreciate in this life, lest you go mad and wind up being a Raider. I really wanted to be one back in the day, can you imagine?
"There isn't much to tell. My father was a pre-war mercenary, turned ghoul. My mother was a vault dweller, with a questionable moral compass, if she ever had one. They were together a really, really long time before having me. And even longer after having me. They've traveled all over this land a million times over, and made Megaton their home. If you ask about them, everyone will know some story or another. People from the Pitt erected a statue of them when they passed. It lies just outside Megaton, over there."
I point to the silhouette of the large statue that pays homage to my parents. When I see it from this distance, a heavy, sinking feeling appears in my chest. I hope one day, I can look at that statue and smile, instead of feeling so much sadness.
"Your parents have a statue? They must have been a great influence over this land."
"They were."
Jason's shadow casts over me, and I stare up at the glowing one, whose voice brings me a strange comfort. Almost like the sadness and anger inside don't exist when he speaks. He looks down at me, curious.
"Is it because of them, people here are so accepting of ghouls?"
"Yeah. My dad, he was this really very good mercenary. His loyalty lied forever with my mother, and he was really tall. Both my parents were. Actually, you know the man you saw me with?"
"Yes, when first entering the town?"
"Yeah, that's Cain. His backstory is way more complex, but we were raised together."
"He's an intimidating figure."
"Well imagine him as a ghoul, and that's my dad. Dad had a lot more muscle mass, but, no more difference in appearance."
"I would have been terrified."
I smirk, rubbing my eyes as the Wasteland wind tosses dirt into them.
"Most were. But it was my mom who was feared more. Because she controlled my dad. And you know, whoever controls the beast and all that."
"You have a very interesting history, Dizzy."
"I suppose. What's your history?"
Jason sighs, still sitting up and placing his hand in the puddle. I stare up at the sky, waiting eagerly to hear his voice. His words don't hold as much importance to me, as the sound of his voice does. It just makes me calm, and right now, calm is all I need to be. Change will be happening in my life soon, and I need to keep a clear and calm head about it.
"Well. I'm a pre-war ghoul. My name has been Jason Bright since before the war. When the bombs fell…I can't remember much from that time. It's been so long. But what I do remember, is when I woke from the rubble that fell upon me, there was a heavy ash engulfing everything. It was daylight, but it looked like night. And in the midst of the darkness, I glowed. I felt…something had saved me for a purpose. Bestowed upon me the powers of what we now call glowing ones, but allowed me to keep my sanity. I traveled, for years, gathering a following and finding sanctuary. There isn't much to my story; it certainly isn't nearly as interesting as your history."
In my mind, I imagine a dark world. Rubble, ash, fire in the distance. From the pile of trash and debris, Jason rises. A glowing, disheveled man with a powerful image. His light reflects off the ash and darkness around him. I can understand the religious significance. Dad would tell me all about pre-war religion, symbolism, and it helps me understand how Jason could view himself as someone of importance. Especially after waking from an event such as the Great War, as a glowing one in a world of darkness.
Dipping my fingertips in the puddle, I make ripples and enjoy the warmth.
"I can see from that, why you'd feel that way. It's a powerful image to even imagine, I can't begin to understand how you felt. What was it like, to travel so much and to live for so long?"
"Knowledgeable. I learned so much, more than I can begin to recite. I met many people, and I've made memories I can't ever allow myself to forget."
What I really want to ask seems brazen and intrusive. I ask anyways.
"Did you ever travel with someone you loved? How'd that go?"
Jason chuckles and while he looks towards the sky, resting his weight on his arms, he sighs and smiles.
"I've lived a long time, and yet I've never really taken anyone seriously enough to love. Ghoul women aren't much to look at, and religious leader or not I'm rather picky. I have too much to be responsible for. My actions are under constant scrutiny of my followers. That's not to say there haven't been women I've been close to, just never loved. We all traveled well together. It wasn't the travelling that tore us apart. It was life, choices, and dreams. All of us always wanted something different. But each one has a special home in my heart. After all, from every failed time spent with someone, is a lesson you learn. So truly, you never fail."
"Because you're learning."
"Exactly."
While Jason's words didn't answer my question in the way I wanted, he still gave a thought-provoking response. Even if Cain and I part, he's right. No, when Cain and I part, at least I'll have learned more about not only myself, but relationships as a whole. I can't be like mom and dad, or have their relationship. But I can have my own life, my own world, and maybe I need to focus more on that. Focus more on what it'll be like, to lead a life alone in the Wasteland. At least, for a brief period of time.
"Did you get back from somewhere recently? From how the sheriff greeted you, it seemed as if you had."
Memories. They flood my mind. The journey to the Commonwealth began strong, hopeful, happy and in love. But along the timeline, it decreases. Sadness, anger, solitude set in. Eventually, separation, and loneliness.
"Yeah. Cain and I. We just got back from up north. We were going in search of the Commonwealth."
"Commonwealth? What for?"
I shrug, not wanting to reveal too much.
"Nothing in particular. An aimless adventure. Though it took a while, as we most likely got lost, and we just returned. Gob said it should have only taken a week to walk that far, instead we've been gone for three years. But, given my parents and how they'd take off for forever all the time, everyone just assumes I'll do the same. So they're just happy I'm back to say hello, and not dead."
Glancing over at Jason, he's reading between the lines, so I don't have to say anything. His facial expression offers comfort, and understanding. Understanding without having to explain is rare.
"You and Cain were close, when the journey began. Weren't you?"
"Yeah. Yeah we were."
I feel a lump well in my throat. But I don't want him to see my cry. Not again, not twice in the same day. Sitting up, I trace my fingertips across the top of the puddle before dipping my whole hand in. Something to distract me from the feelings at hand. From the hurt over my relationship ending.
"Travel causes people to change, Dizzy. I'm sorry."
"It's alright. Cain is leaving tomorrow. I mean, I am too, but I'll be coming back."
It sounds like I'm going to kill him, and Jason seems to think the same. I should clarify better.
"No I mean. What I mean is that Cain is going to be living his own life after tomorrow. And I'll live mine."
"I understand. It must be difficult. Saying goodbye to a childhood friend."
Friend. Yeah. Friend with benefits. I look off at Megaton in the short distance, knowing just a few hundred yards behind me is my mother's vault, where people may or may not still reside. Everyone's lives, continuing on just as mine is. Unbeknownst to my own pain, just as I'm unbeknownst to theirs. I feel small, and unimportant when I think of the world on such a large scale. My problems, my fears, my questions and insecurities, all seem silly and childlike, when I remember that everyone has their own story.
As my hand sits in the water, I feel fingers clasp around my own, and the warmth grows. Looking down, I see Jason's hand glows while holding my own. I smile a small smile, and look over at him.
"In all my travels, Dizzy, you're the first person I've met who glows like I do."
"You mean the first one who isn't a feral ghoul, right?"
"Yes. Right now it's hard, but rest assured, in the end things will be alright."
"And what if it's not?"
"Then it isn't the end now, is it? Just think, had I done one thing differently, I may not have met you with my followers. And together, we would not have found Megaton. Perhaps at another time, but not as we have now. Everything happens for one reason or another. You just don't understand it till it has already happened."
"What a world of good that does."
Jason lets my hand go and his glowing diminishes. I notice his head and shoulder are the only two places on his body that glow brighter than the rest. He lets out a small chuckle of agreement, and the two of us sit and share a puddle together, ignoring the world, and just existing in it. If that makes sense. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of tomorrow. Deep down, I'm frightened of losing Cain. But I know it has to happen. I know it's time to start a new chapter in my life, and maybe that new chapter starts with the Bright Brotherhood as my new collection of friends and comradely. Minus the religion, of course.
As we sit in silence, it's interrupted by a familiar sound of heavy footprints. Only as they draw near, do I feel Jason's hand releasing my own once more, and I realize that at some point in our motionless thoughts, he had clasped it again. Pulling my hand from the water to stand, I roll my eyes while the thudding feet grow closer and closer.
"You can't sneak up on me anymore, Cain. I know your footsteps."
Before I can turn I'm hit with something heavy on the back of my head. Searing, white-hot pain throbs through my body as I fall to the ground. The pain shocks and incapacitates me for only seconds, but it feels like hours. Blurrily, I see Jason standing beside me, shooting his gun at someone. Cain wouldn't attack me, would he? Has he gone mad? His programming, did it malfunction? All these thoughts race through my aching mind as I finds the strength to emit enough radiation to numb myself. Giving it time so I can stand. I'm unarmed, and aware of that.
"Run, Dizzy!"
Jason says, his voice echoing more than usual but I chalk it up to the cold knock on my head I just received. Managing to get up, I turn around to see my attacker isn't Cain, but instead someone I've never seen before. By the looks of their outfit amidst the chaos, they seem like a Raider.
"Oh what the hell, you had to do this now?"
I shout, my own words causing more pain. The Raider man looks at me, probably wondering why I'm not preparing to flee as he aims his shoddy gun at me. Flee, as Jason is somewhat doing, a few paces behind me. Why would he flee? Or at least, be attempting to. Shouldn't he in all his travels know a thing or two about self-defense?
"Dizzy come on let's get back to town!"
I roll my eyes callously at him.
"It's just a Raider."
I guess this is where he and I differ. While he most likely avoids conflict, I seek it out.
"You're unarmed, Dizzy , please!"
"I'm not unarmed."
I scoff at him. The Raider hits me in my leg, and it hurts. It hurts a lot and I swear up a storm. But knowing I can't let my guard down, I waste no more time in delayed reactions. I charge the Raider, adrenaline fueling me past the injury in my thigh. My palms glow a hot green, as I focus my the radiation to them.
"You bastard! You shot me!"
The wound is superficial, and can be healed in moments once I get my energy back and all that normalcy. But still, the Raider has fear in his eyes as I grab his arms, my hands growing hotter, his arms burning. The smell of singed and melting flesh fills my nostrils. More than once in the three years I've been gone, Cain and I have run out of ammunition, and had to defend ourselves without weapons.
"What are you doing you crazy bitch!"
I pull him close to me, and see Jason in my peripheral. This always exhausts me, so knowing someone is here to help me return home eases my anxiety a bit. Quickly, I emit a burst of radiation, stronger than that of a glowing one. It knocks the Raider back, poisoning him, killing him. His skin burns and falls off, while his screams echo throughout the Wasteland. Breathless, I fall to my knees.
"Hey, my armor held up pretty well."
And it's true, as I fall face-first on to the ground. The first time I ever did that, it very nearly leveled Megaton. It almost killed me, too. And every time I do it now, it gets a bit easier, but the toll on my body is still strong. Since I rely on radiation, when it's sucked from me, it gets harder to breathe. I can't move well, if at all, and my heart beat palpitates. My eyelids are heavy, but I keep my eyes open, despite my blurred vision.
"Dizzy! Dizzy!"
Jason's voice sounds so far away. He's so worried. Hasn't he learned that he too, can become a human bomb if he tries? I mean, anyone can be anything they want. It's just easier when you're already slathered in radiation.
I feel his hand on my back, and I look up at him, half-expecting him to heal me, as I heal myself.
"Hey…you never…did that?"
I ask between gasps of air and struggling to make my body listen to my mind.
"No, and this is exactly why. Do you have any idea the consequences of your actions?"
Smirking, I try to lift my head, and fail.
"Nope."
Jason checks my ribs, my arms, my legs. It's familiar, Gob used to do it, Barrows too. Hell even mom and dad and Cain would, too. It's to make sure nothing is broken. Though I know nothing is, I let him go through with it. It's a waste to argue with the habits of wastelanders.
"You could be injured; we have to get you back to Megaton. Is there a doctor?"
Injured? No I've done this a few times. I'm pretty alright. I just need to be dropped in a puddle. Or something. A nap would do wonders, too.
"Dizzy! Dizzy!"
In the distance, my name. With my small amount of strength, I lift my head to see a figure running towards me. It's Cain. Struggling, I put my hands under me and lift my upper body. Jason's hands wrap around my ribcage.
"You need to relax; I'll get you back to Megaton."
"It's…alright. Cain's here."
Jason follows my line of sight and sees Cain coming rapidly closer. When he gets here, he angrily shoves Jason away, knocking him to the ground.
"What did you do? What did you do to her!"
He commands, angry. The most emotion I've heard from him in three years. It frightens me.
"Tell me! What did you do! Dizzy, Dizzy come here."
Strong, familiar, safe arms wrap around my waist and effortlessly lift me into him. Emotions, feelings, conflicts, they rush back in one really long, drawn-out second. Cain screams at Jason, demanding to know what happened. Demanding to know why I'm hurt. If he stopped yelling for a minute and looked around, it's pretty easy to figure out with the dead Raider and slightly more-dead earth around him.
"Cain its fine. We just got attacked. I'm fine."
I say to him, and he turns to me, staring at me intently while his arms support me. My feet dangle over his forearm, and for a minute, I feel like I could fly, for some strange reason.
"Why did you do that? Where's your gun? Did you leave it at home again? Dizzy you can't afford to be injured!"
"No, of course not. Not before taking you to your precious ruins, of course."
Shuffling, despite my weakness, I manage to get free of Cain's arms. And promptly, slam down on the ground with no strength to stand, let alone walk. Without hesitation Cain lifts me again, his hold tighter.
"I'll take you home."
"I don't want to go home. I want to stay here."
"And get ambushed again? It isn't safe, especially with someone who's so defenseless. Jason, right? What's the point of owning a gun if you can't use it properly?"
That's mean, Cain. That's really mean. I'd argue, but I figure energy is best saved for later. Feeling exhaustion wash over me, I curl into Cain's arms. I feel safe, and warm. A type of warm that not even radiation can give me. A warm that's only felt when another touches you in some way. Another person who, you once cared deeply for, and may even still.
"Let me help."
Jason demands as Cain begins to walk. I close my eyes. Far away, long ago, I remember how I would seek comfort in these arms when the Wasteland would turn so cold at night. When the fire died, and the only thing to offer warmth, were these very arms I lay in.
"You've done enough. Just go."
"I can help her, I can heal her."
Cain hesitates for a second, before giving Jason an answer.
"No. Just go. She'll be fine in a few hours."
"Then that's when I'll return."
The two part ways. Cain's rhythmic and heavy steps are like a sweet, monotone lullaby. A lullaby I don't want to hear any more.
"It wasn't his fault."
I say to him, wiggling my toes in my boots to see if any strength has returned. It hasn't.
"It was yours. I know."
Well truthfully, nobody is at fault. It was a random attack by a drug-addled Raider. Something nearly unavoidable in the wastes. I choose not to argue with him, though. It's pointless.
"I can walk."
He ignores me. He probably knows I'm lying.
"I'll be well enough for tomorrow, now will you stop with this 'strong silent manly man' thing? It's troublesome."
"You could have gotten hurt."
"But I didn't."
He glares down at me.
"That doesn't make anything you do okay, Dizzy! That doesn't justify your actions! When you get back you're more than welcome to spend all the time in the world gallivanting around the Wasteland with whomever you please, but until tomorrow you have to remain somewhat safe!"
I look up at him and fight back tears. It's over between us, isn't it? It's over between Cain and I, and tomorrow will just be the beginning of the end. I'm too full of pride to claim I want to try again. To tell him I want to make it work. I'm too full of pride and fearful of rejection to even try. Instead I just say the next best think.
"I hope you die."
"Yeah Diz, that seems to be the theme with you today."
I stop my radiation from healing my leg wound. Cain notices the drop in temperature and looks at me.
"What're you doing?"
Warm blood doesn't take any hesitation in re-flowing down my thigh. Maybe some artery was hit, and I can bleed all over him so he understands what I can't say. Though even I can't seem to rationalize that logic.
"I'm not wasting my energy on healing."
"Dizzy! Are you insane? I have no stimpaks. Stop this!"
"No."
And I withdraw all my radiation. Usually in the background of my life, I have my radiation flowing. Making me warm, making me move easier, helping me. But for the first time since my parents died, I stop it. And I feel colder than ever.
"I hope it bleeds all day long!"
"You'll fuckin' die you twat!"
"You're a goddamned twat! Put me down I won't be carried by a twat!"
Throwing myself from him I once more, land on the hard ground. But we're only a few yards from home, and I look up at him, angrily trying to stand, blood seeping into my boot. I think by this point I'm fueled only by my anger and stupid determination to get a point across. A point that could easily be solved by communication, but which I choose not to do.
"Dizzy. Come here, and let me help you in the house."
Cain's tone is gentle, but forced. I don't want him, or anyone else to force anything when it comes to me. I want all emotions to be natural.
"Do you only care about my safety so that you can get to the Ruins, and get your answers?"
"Dizzy…"
"Just tell me, Cain. Just tell me the truth."
His face hardens, the sun slowly starts to set in the background. Shadows grow longer, and we stare at one another. My heart beats faster and I feel cold, from the wind, and my lack of radiation.
"…Yeah. Without you, I can't make it to the Citadel Ruins. Without you present, I can't separate myself from you. I need you, do this with me, so we can both be free."
The words he says hurt. But I never expected to hear anything different. To hear that he wanted to stay or felt hurt and alone, just as I did. With those words known and out in the open, I start my radiation flowing again. The pain in my leg dissipates, as does my remaining strength. But I fight it, and do my best to keep on my feet.
"Then we'll go first thing in the morning."
I tell him, defiant. But truthfully, I'm pretty hurt.