Author's note:

A big thank you to all the reviewers and especially to Michelle1017, Kara and Cuthbert72 for your continuous support! Yes Kara, I had a wonderful holiday – and a horrible follow-up week at work because of it :D

Oh and uhhuhnaomily, you were quite right about Naomi's feeling.

Took me a while again, but only because this is a very important chapter. You'll figure out why. It's quite long, too (definitely the longest yet). Enjoy! And don't forget to tell me what you think :)

As I lost myself in my girlfriend I also lost track of time. All I knew was that we didn't stop at a few kisses but had been sharing our feelings for a fair amount of time now. There just wasn't any good reason in this world for stopping.

Until now.

Contrary to my whole body that had been, let's say, "activated" by our passion for each other – at least I told myself that this had to be a part of it – my tongue grew numb and I pushed Emily back a little. For a split second she seemed confused, but when she took a closer look she broke into a broad smile instantly.

"Oh my.", she chuckled, "I take it you're not as cold as you were before.", she patted both my blushed cheeks lightly. I believe I smiled rather unrecognizably before a frown settled on my face. "You noticed?"

I had mumbled – never a good sign. I closed my eyes, trying to avoid the bad feeling growing inside of me, failing at that, however, because it always started this way.

And it would always end the same way as well.

"Of course!", Emily scolded meanwhile, "Listen, we've known each other for– how many years now?! And more importantly we've been together for quite a few years as well …" – she left a quick peck on my lips – "One would think that you have finally admitted to yourself that I can read you like a fucking book, Naomi! I notice these things."

I couldn't help but smile at that – this time truthfully. I re-opened my eyes to look at my beautiful girlfriend again and was glad to see that my weak smile only made Emily's grow wider.

Unfortunately, said smile dropped from Em's face far sooner than I liked. So did her eyes that were now fixated on the blanket as well as her voice that was so silently that it nearly missed my ears; "Most of the time, anyways …", she whispered coyly.

A little irritated by the sudden change of her mood I wasn't able to say anything at first. However, that didn't mean that I didn't know what was going on in that pretty little head of hers. Emily was right: She really could read me like a fucking book, alright. However, she obviously forgot that the same went for my end.

"Em-"

I stopped abruptly as a spasm ripped through my body. "Ah, no.", I leaned up and quicker than I realized what I was doing I shoved Emily away a little.

I threw up. Fortunately, I missed her by a few inches. But it still felt like I had puked right into her face. "Sorry.", I exclaimed sheepishly and took my eyes off her in embarrassment. I turned around and wiped my mouth while searching for that puking bucket Angie had brought me one day. Once I found it and placed it right besides me, I put a hand – yes, one of the numb ones – to my head as my throbbing headache fully wielded its power over me.

Kissing is good for blocking out pain …, I though absently, needing a moment to regain composure.

"You ok?", Emily asked, slowly stroking my cheeks again.

To be honest, I knew exactly that there was nothing left to do or say for her. I definitely knew that. Still, my emotions took over and I turned my head away – away from that hand, away from Emily.

I just couldn't help but feel kidded. Not really because of her words or her care. But because of what life did to me. Just how could I ever be okay with that?

Funny how fast your feelings can turn your mood around., was another thought, that ran through my pain-driven brain.

"Do you mind leaving me alone for a while?", I asked truthfully. Showing her my misery to make her understand was one thing. But propelling past that point and risking to lash out to her any second was absolutely in-discussable. I would never forgive myself, if I would hurt her that way as well.

Emily queered my pitch though: "Yeah. Actually, I do."

I opened my eyes to stare at the blank ceiling. "What?", I said, more to myself than her, really.

"You heard me.", she replied stubbornly, "I told you, you're not alone in this."

I sighted just a bit. "For a few minutes.", I said, more calm than I really was, "I'm sure nothing serious is going to happen in that time. You'll be back when– …", I bit my tongue, probably unconsciously, and stopped.

I turned to look into Emily's eyes and immediately knew that she was about to initiate another attempt at finishing the talk we had both tried to finish so many times before. The timing was shit, I granted, but screw it; I guess it was as good a time as any.

I just have to weight my words more carefully than ever before …, I thought while grimacing, And fuck's sake, what a fucking piece of cake that is going to be! … Okay, come on, you can do this. You know you're doing it for your girl, Naomi. So pull yourself together and make your stupid point. Now's your chance.

"What exactly are you trying to say?!"

… Showdown.

"What do you think I'm saying?"

A question for a question – fucking smart start, Naomi., I face palmed myself mentally. Told you I was bad with words.

I think I never saw Emily more serious. Her whole forehead was wrinkled, her mouth pulled tight and her eyes watered, probably because of the intense stare she was giving me. Gone was the guilt she had put to her account just a few moments ago.

"Look, you decided to give it a try so I thought-"

"You needed to see this, Em."

"See what?!"

"This!"

Angrily, I pointed to my puke, or rather the blanket on the floor for we had gotten rid of the smelly fabric right after I had messed it up, "You need to understand.", I pushed.

Emily kept silent and I took it she knew exactly what I was talking about. Finally!

We both stared, our eyes suddenly turning cold because of one another. I focussed and suddenly saw real tears in her eyes. And as soon as I took notice, I realized that I had teared up as well.

"What happened to you, Naomi?"

I breathed in deeply but refused to breathe out any time soon. There just wasn't a good enough answer for this question. Just sarcastic ones that Emily didn't deserve. So I remained silent …

"I thought you would … want to survive. When did that change, huh? Did you even once stop and think about me?! Obviously not. You didn't when you lied to me and you don't now!"

… until she accused me of something that I never did.

"Yes I do!", I said loudly – obviously startling her in the process – "Every goddamn minute of my life, I think about you! You're all I ever think about, Emily! I fucking can't get you out of my head – and I sure as hell can't ignore that! I can't just watch you lying to yourself!"

"You're lying to yourself, Naomi!", she yelled and threw her hands up in anger.

"Am I?!", I asked back immediately, "I have fucking cancer, I'm going to die, I will not walk out of here ever again, I'll die at the age of 21 – and my girlfriend is not realizing any of these facts. So tell me again, which one of us is lying to herself?!"

I felt like exploding. My head hurt like hell now, my hands tingled painfully and my stomach sat in a roller coaster ride. I felt dizzy and before I knew threw up another time. It was quite clear to me that it had happened due to my current stress level and upset state.

Emily watched in silence, but now tears were streaming down her face freely. It wasn't a very pleasing sight, but I still felt a little comforted by it, because my plan seemed to work.

I got rid of the last remains of my puke from my mouth and hands then sighted loudly before leaning back. Despite my fleeting victorious feeling I felt tired and defeated. Emily seemed to be in the exact same state, when she whispered to me: "It doesn't have to be that way …"

Instinctively, I reached for her hand and found it eventually. "I just know. Okay? I … can feel it. I'm dying.", I watched her intensively, "I guess you just know when your own body slowly stops functioning. You know … when it's time to go."

"But you don't even try, Naomi.", she cried, "For god's sake, you're only 21! You just–"

Probably out of reflex, I yanked her hand. "Emily!", I exclaimed, quite shocked, "Emily, listen to yourself– listen to me! You are scaring the living shit out of me right now – and there's not much left of that so that's gotta count for something.", I calmed a little when my own tears finally set themselves free and every sarcastic or even cynic fiber left me, "I love you so– fucking– much. Okay? And I can't just … watch you walk into that mouse trap. I can't bear the thought of you losing me with this illusion going around in your head. It'll hit you like a thunderbolt, crush you, blow you to pieces. I fucking know that it's not easy but I want you to be happy again, Emily. You're too young to get scarred by a loss."

I was quite proud of my words. It was not very often that I was able to fully express myself – not with words anyways – and I certainly had never been this eloquent before. And maybe that pride was the reason I gave a violent jerk when suddenly the tables turned and she was the one pulling back fast.

Emily had stood up and now watched me through a teary grimace of sadness, anger and disappointment – all mixed into one.

What the fuck am I doing to you …

"You know what I'm getting scarred by.", Emily asked delusively, never really giving me a chance to reply in the first place, "I'm getting scarred by my girlfriend, who grew up to be a fucking fighter, now cowering down in fear and giving up without a real fight! It almost tore us apart before and after all these years you want to do it again? Really?! Now that is scarring me!
You know, you try to safe me but you buried yourself days ago. Failing to see that one goes for the other! And failing to see that I'm not the one who is lost. I'm fine, I'm thinking straight– but you aren't. It's you. You're lost in those dark thoughts of yours. And I'm trying so– fucking– desperately to get you out of there … but I can't do this on my own.
I need your help, Naomi."

I had started to shake my head during her speech and I kept doing it even after she had stopped. This conversation really stripped me of all my strength and transformed me into a nervous wreck any minute now.

I thought she would understand, but she just didn't.

Can't things ever be complicated?

"Just … why aren't you fighting? You've got your whole life ahead of you. Then there's … there's me– us! Isn't that worth it?" I simply nodded – which angered her even more. "Then stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself and fucking fight!", she yelled directly into my face.

"Emily, I have been fighting for half a fucking year now!", I bursted, my voice trembling.

"Yeah.", she smiled cynically – something Emily never did – "Alone. Fucking alone! Because you never told me what was going on, because out of some false guilt or pride– God I don't even know– maybe you just don't trust me enough–"

"Don't say that.", I begged, "There is nobody in this whole world that I would trust more. Be honest, you know that! I did it for you."

"Oh so this is my fault now?! Hell no.", Emily shock her head, obviously never really hearing my interrupting words, telling her that none of this was her fault, "You failed.", she just continued, "You fought alone and you failed. Just like I am failing now. Can't you see it? We can only beat this if we stick together. I know we can! So try! Seriously, what have you left to loose, anyways?!"

"You! Emily … you're running straight for hell here and you don't even see what's right in front of you. Please open your eyes! I want to save you, spare you the experience. I need to. Just … I told you all those years ago that I would die for you – that didn't change! So let me.

That was it; Something behind Emily's eyes disappeared as soon as the words had left my mouth. Like a candle light that lost all its power and just went out. And this time it wasn't my stomach that was reacting to the stress, but my heart, that contracted painfully.

Something bad was about to happen, it suddenly occurred to me.

Emily stumbled a few steps backwards, her face still torn between several feelings but her eyes emptied. I could've imagined it, but at the same time I knew for sure that she grew completely pale within mere seconds.

I had chosen the wrong words.

"Em.", I tried to reach out but she just kept backing away until she hit the wall with a thud. It kind of woke her from her state of trance, but surely not completely because her eyes were now focussed but still empty. "I can't do this.", she said and went for the door, making me bite down on my bottom lip hard.

I can't stand it, I can't – It's okay.

"Not this time.", I said to myself, then leaned up, "Don't go, Emily!", I yelled knowing all to well that with the ongoing chemo – the tubes and my physical weakness – I had absolutely less than zero chances of following her, "Please!"

But she wouldn't listen. She pressed her eyes closed and practically fell through the door as she tried desperately to run away from me. Her movement was pretty uncoordinated, worrying me to no end.

"Oi, E- … Emily!", I heard a rather surprised yelp from some male. As Emily's small frame fully left my worried sight as well as the doorframe, I recognized Dominic. He stood a mere inches from the doorway and held some flowers in his hand. Obviously, he had been about to knock on the door to visit me.

My best friend's attention was all Emily's when she stormed past him without saying anything to him and rushed down the corridor noisily.

I opened my mouth to beg him to stop her, get her back to me! But then I was interrupted and startled violently by a really loud thud. My sense of foreboding came back with a force and made my heart stop – Dominic dropped the flowers the same second.

"Oh god, Emily!", he screamed and then sprinted out of my limited sight.

Author's note:

... :O