My neck hurt. My back hurt. My heels hurt. My calves hurt. Everything hurt.

I dragged my feet through the dust as we trekked across Midgar's barren wasteland. The others were all walking a couple yards a head of me, swapping stories and laughing.

"Keep up, Dusty!" Barret yelled as he waved back at me teasingly.

"Screw-" I took a breath, "-you."

I thought I was relatively in shape. I used to be proud of the fact that Zig and I could make it to the top of the wall at Wall market. Not many kids could do that, but Avalanche? They were on a whole different level. I felt relatively certain that Barret could bench an entire house. Cloud and Tifa could probably sprint for miles, without taking a break.

Looking out over the horizon didn't do much for my morale. I saw nothing but rocks, dirt, and the occasional boulder. There weren't even that many monsters running around.

"Can't we-" breath, "hitch-hike or something?" I asked.

"You see a car?" Cloud at the very front of the group, gliding over obstacles.

"No," I sighed.

"You see a road?"

"No."

"Then we walk. Don't fall behind."

"Then we walk," I ridiculed him in a low voice under my breath, "Don't fall behind, he says. Douche bag." I stuck my tongue out at the back of his head. "We've been walking for two days now, you pointy-haired idiot. Sorry I'm not a super-soldier, like you. Us mere mortals have something called breaks. So we don't suddenly keel over, and die." I wasn't sure if Cloud couldn't hear me, or just chose not to, but he didn't flinch. Spouting insults were, however, making me winded, and I stopped to catch my breath.

I placed one hand on my hip and wiped the sweat from my forehead. When I turned around to see Midgar looming in the distance.

Yeah, it was hard, but I'd made progress. And, it was my first time out of the city. That was no small feat.

"Matilda!" Cloud called. "Did you hear me?"

"YES! I FUCKING HEARD YOU!" I shouted back. I started to walk again, "Good lord, you are so-" He must've had a split personality. There was no way that, on the one hand, he could be so attentive and empathetic to people's problems and, on the other, act so jaded and cold.

What was Cloud?

He was confusing, that's what he was.

"You okay?" Tifa slowed her pace to match mine.

I huffed and kicked the dirt, "Yeah. It's just," I blew air from my nose, "Is he always like this? I mean, he's so abrasive! It's so irritating! I mean, you seem nice, why are you friends with such a-" I was panting again. It seemed impossible to walk and talk at the same time. I had to put all my energy in breathing evenly and walking.

Tifa laughed, "Whoa, there. Don't hurt yourself."

"Har-" Breathe, "Har."

"Don't hate him too much," said Tifa, "I know it might not seem like it, but he cares. He's just nervous right now. He wants to find Sephiroth. "

I dropped my head and wondered if it was truly Sephiroth who'd been screaming in my head for the passed few days.

"Cloud told me that you can't remember your childhood," Tifa said.

I arched my brow at her. She'd caught me off guard. After overhearing she and Cloud talk a few nights before, I probably should've expected it to come up eventually. I didn't know what she wanted me to say, though. There's only so much that can be said about a lack of memories.

"Yeah."

Tifa mindlessly tugged at the ends of her gloves. "That must be scary."

"Not really." I lied. Sort of. It used to not bother me. When I was with Zig, I didn't think about it much because I didn't feel the need to; I was content with my then-current state. But, recently, with all of this screaming in my head, Shinra kidnapping me, and now Sephiroth…Honestly, I was terrified.

"Do you ever get curious? About your past, I mean."

I shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. I mean, who wouldn't be? That's a vast majority of my life. I do know a few things though."

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

"Well," I began, "When I was taken from the slums, I was taken by this," I raised my hands to make air quotations, " 'Turk'-named Reno." Tifa made a face like she knew him. "He said he knew me. That scientist? Hojo, I think. He knew me too. He said I was one of his favorite test subjects," I shivered at the thought of what would've happened to me if I had stayed. My mind floated to when he had me hosed down, and lodged itself into my head.

"Matilda?" said Tifa as she leaned forward to catch my attention

"Yeah. Sorry. I was just thinking…" I swallowed, "I'm really glad you guys came and found me."

She smiled, "I am too."

"Green!" Barret shouted from in front of us. "Yo, I see grass!" He and Aerith started to jog towards wherever Barret screamed at. Watching them disappear over the nearest hill only made me more exasperated.

"There's no way they have that much energy," I groaned. Cloud and Red stopped to wait for us at the edge of the Wastelands. Red watched us intently, and Cloud faced the distance as if he didn't care. Behind him, Aerith threw herself to the ground in a giggly fit and Barret pumped his arms up and down in the air.

What a rag-tag bunch.

"They didn't tell you anything about who you were?" Tifa asked.

"What?"

"Hojo or Reno. They didn't help you at all?"

"Not much." I thought for a moment, "I guess Reno said my name used to be Leona."

"Leona...huh?" Tifa said. She tapped her finger against her pursed lips and hummed. "That's a pretty name."

"Don't call me that," I said.

"Whatever you want." Tifa nodded towards the others, and started to run ahead. I begrudgingly jogged behind her. She switched from casual running to a full on sprint when she reached Cloud, and then bolted to Barret and Aerith, tossing herself into the flowers as well.

Naturally, I had to stop. I put my hands on my knees and bent over, panting. My shadow enveloped Cloud's boot.

"That wasn't too bad, huh?"

"Screw you." When I stood up straight, Cloud's eyebrows furrowed at me, and his mouth pulled into a tense line. "What?"

"You're not in shape."

"Pointy-haired-freak," I growled.

His face remained in its strained expression. "You feeling okay?"

"No. I'm exhausted. And I'm hungry. Can we take a break?"

He shrugged, "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay. Let's get the food." He tilted his head towards Barret, who had been carrying the supplies. He took a few steps forward, and then turned to wait for me to catch up to him.

The corners of my mouth curled. "Yes, boss."

"Boss?"

"Zig used to call me that." I said as we shuffled through the grass. I had to admit, I liked the way the grass crunched beneath my shoe, and I understood why Aerith decided to roll around in it. "He said it was because I'm so demanding. But, you're basically my boss now, so the name is all yours."

Cloud grunted in response. Trying to make conversation with him seemed pointless.

I huffed, "Oh man, when you're not on overdrive and saving peoples lives and stuff—you're just so...I don't know, tepid."

He shrugged, "I just don't really care."

"Right. That what tepid means."

He paused, and crossed his arms over his chest and buried his fingers into his armpits. "Whatever."

He quickened his pace, leaving me to catch up with the others.

There are two epiphanies I had as I watched Cloud shuffle away.

First of all, he was an idiot. Period. Second, I discovered how I felt about him. My feelings had reared it's spikey-haired, slimy, face it the sky and belched out the truth.

And here's the truth; the guy drove me nuts.

He embodied everything about I hated about modern technology. He was one those emails I got from people that just read 'K', or 'Ya', after I'd just sent them a paragraph long, heartfelt and intimate message. How did anyone ever communicate with him properly? When he wasn't yelling at me or telling me I was out of shape, for the most part he ignored me completely. For fuck's sake, I could have a more meaningful conversation with a rock. He was completely and utterly intolerable. Slowly, but surely, he was going to push me over the edge.

So, evidently, I was attracted to him.

We stopped at a creek for the night. Once we had set up camp, I told the others that I needed to go wash up in a nearby stream. Tifa offered to accompany me, but I declined. I needed some alone time.

I knelt down beside the water, and slipped my arms in. I gingerly began to rub the dirt away. Any harder and I reminded myself of the way the Shinra's treatment of me.

Once my hands were clean, I slipped out of my shirt to clean my shoulder wound. Though Aerith had been very attentive in treating it, and it looked far better than it did originally, the skin still hadn't completely healed over. The wound still looked fresh, pink and open. I cupped some of the water, and poured it onto the gash. It stung a bit and I whimpered.

Looks like you got your first battle scar, boss. Well, first real battle scar.

Zig was in my head again. Sometimes I worried about my mental stability.

Ah, don't worry. You're probably just lonely. Maybe got a little PTSD, or something. Not easy what you went through. Makes sense that you're a little banged up. But no worse for wear I hope.

At least the Zig in my head attempted comfort me; a welcomed alternative to Sephiroth.

Since I'd heard Cloud and Tifa talking about my strange 'traitor' outburst, I'd been trying to piece together everything I knew about my past. There conversation had sparked a new dream for me; I wanted to know about who I was before Zig.

Some nights, well after the others had gone to sleep, I would stay up and look at the stars. I'd struggle for what seemed like hours, waiting for a memory to pop back into my brain. I started to wonder if lost memories ever found their way back; if were they taken from me, or if they just hid somewhere deep inside my brain.

There were five things I knew for sure:

One. My name was Leona.

Two. The Shinra scientist Hojo experimented on me.

Three: Reno was, perhaps, a friend of mine.

Four: There was Mako inside of me.

Five: Sephiroth had something to do with all of this.

There were also the strange dreams I had been having, but I had no way of knowing if they were a direct result of my stress levels, or if they were pieces of my old memory trying to reintegrate itself to my consciousness.

It wasn't much, but it was a start.

I knew it would be hard to gather more information than that. My mind didn't just reveal itself through will power. I'd have to do some research. And while I was beyond relieved to know that Avalanche and I had put miles of distance between Midgar and us, I knew that Shinra held the key to my memory.

If I was such an important test subject, they probably had records of me. They probably stored tome kind of medical form about who I was related to, where I was living or my even just my age. It had to be somewhere in Shinra Headquarters.

Then there was Reno. He knew me as Leona. Perhaps I could convince him to tell me.

This much was clear: in order to learn anything about my old life, I had to face the people who I feared. And that could mean I'd have to turn around, and go back to Midgar.

Cloud's face slipped into my head. Then Barret's, Aerith's, Tifa's, and even Red's. I'd only been traveling with them for a few days, but the thought of leaving them made me both upset and nervous. Perhaps it was only because they saved me, but I liked them. I liked their strange banter, and the fact that such a rag-tag and unlikely crew had so much strength.

In my mind Avalanche represented strength and bravery. Two concepts that I knew I lacked. Part of me believed that the more time I spent with them, the more likely I could grow into a person like them.

What would've happened if I were more like Cloud when Zig needed me?

I knew what would've happened. I would've done everything in my power to get Zig to somewhere safe. I would've pushed through all of my bullshit insecurities and excuses, and I would've sprinted to get him a potion, a cure, something.

I needed to fight for him, and because I didn't, he died.

I might've died anyways, boss.

I still should've fought till the last possible moment. Anything would've been better than the guilt I harbored in the pit of my stomach.

What if that was the type of person Leona was? Selfish. Horrible. What if the reason I struggled so much with acting brave, strong, caring, or empathetic was because of Leona? Maybe that's why Sephiroth continuously screams at me. Maybe Leona really was a traitor. Maybe it's just who I am, now.

Not just a traitor, but the traitor.

"Hello?" A chime-like voice sung from the distance. "Matilda?"

I jumped to put my shirt back on, and splashed water on my neck. I looked over my shoulder, just as Aerith stepped out from behind a tree.

"There you are! We were worried something happened to you," she said.

"Sorry, I was just about to come back, " I said.

Aerith smiled and shook her head, "No, no. Take your time. I knew was pretty sure that you just needed some alone time, but Cloud and Barret started getting really jumpy, so I offered to come check up on you."

"They did?"

"Yup. You know, I think Barret has a soft spot for you."

I scrunched my face up, "Romantically?" What a strange couple we'd be.

"No, silly," Aerith giggled, "Maybe more like a protective uncle. I think it's cute."

"Huh." And Cloud? Why was he worried?

I didn't ask, though I think that Aerith may've been waiting for my question. She probably knew that I wanted to ask; she seemed like the kind of person who just sensed these things. I sucked my lips in, as I left a very visible gap in our conversation, where Cloud's name should've popped up.

Aerith cleared her throat, "Okay. Do you want to go back?"

"Yeah." I shrugged, "Sure."

She lifted her chin, clasped her hands behind her back, and started to walk. She began to hum a tune.

"Hey Aerith?"

"Hm?"

"Why were you at Shinra Headquarters?"

"Have I not told you?" I scrunched my mouth into a tight line and shook my head. Aerith sighed, "Well. I'm an Ancient."

She used the word 'Ancient' as if I should've understood immediately. "Ancient what?"

"That's it. I'm just an Ancient; a Cetra. From what I gathered, Shinra wanted to use me to find the Promised land. Legend says that the Cetra have the gift to communicate with the planet and the Lifestream. I've even been told that some of the most powerful Cetra had the ability to guide the flow of the Lifestream, in order to fertilize Gaia."

"And you can do all of this?" I said. When we first met, Aerith had told me that Zig would be happy in the Lifestream. Did she mean it?

"It's just a legend. President Shinra was desperate to find the Promised Land. He believed I could lead him there, as the last of the Cetra." She said. She lifted up her skirt as she stepped over a particularly high root.

I clambered over the root behind her, and when I found my footing, I spoke. "And what do you believe?"

"I don't know."

I sighed, as I realized she was either being purposefully vague, or just didn't like to thin about it. She impressed me, though. Or perhaps I was star-struck. If she truly did have the power to control the Lifestream, then perhaps she also could communicate with Zig.

"Why'd they want you?" Aerith asked.

"Hm?"

"They took you too. Do you know why?"

"No." I said, "I don't know why. I can't actually remember. Reno says I had Mako poisoning, so it's just emptiness."

"Reno?" Aerith's eyes darkened as she said his name, "The turk?"

"Yeah. You know him?"

"He..." Her voice shook, "He was the one who took me from the slums. He took samples."

"...Of you?"

She slowly nodded. "He brought you to our tank, didn't he? He's different with you."

"I think we were friends," I said. I curled my lip in disgust. "I wish I knew who I was, Aerith. I'm terrified that I was a horrible person who associated with bad people. That I was the kind of selfish person who left her friends to die, or maybe even maliciously hurt others."

Aerith cocked her head to the side, and her braid slid out from behind her. "Why do you think that?"

A feint light grew in the distance, which meant we were approaching camp. If I told her what happened, would she judge me? Did I have the time to tell her?

Would Sephiroth's voice shut me down?

A lump formed in my chest at the thought of it.

I took a deep breath and I told her everything about Zig, and how I left him. She stopped, and aloud me to take my time explaining the entire story. She didn't interject, or ask questions. She just waited until I finished. And when I did, she didn't get mad or even disappointed. She just said, "I'm so sorry that this happened to you. " Like the whole situation was circumstantial.

It almost made me angry that she didn't understand the weight of my actions. I felt the need to explain more. So I continued, "No. Aerith, you don't get it," I snapped. "What kind of person am I to do that to someone I love so much? Who does that?"

"People make mistakes," Aerith said softly.

"But that's a massive mistake. Zig died because I didn't help him."

"I know."

I scoffed, "You know? What does that even mean, Aerith? Mistakes don't result in death. A normal person doesn't accidently kill the people they love."

"Normal people do all sorts of things that don't make sense. It doesn't make them bad people. You're not a bad person, Matilda."

She clearly didn't understand. "I know. I don't feel like a bad person. But I have to be. That's the only thing that makes sense. Or if I'm not a bad person," I began, "then maybe, it's my old self, you know? Like it's some part of me that I can't control, because it's not really me. It's her. Leona. Maybe she's evil."

I heard Tifa and Barret laughing, and shadows dancing against the forest trees.

Aerith reached out and set her hands on my shoulders. "Please listen closely when I say this." She said. She waited until I nodded to continue. "You can't think that way, under any circumstances. People have good and bad within themselves. And that's good that they do. You have bad in you, I have bad in me, everyone has bad in them. People who believe themselves to be pure are the most dangerous in the whole world. People like Sephiroth. So please, if you feel the need to blame, don't blame Leona. Blame yourself, Matilda. It's incredibly important that you take responsibility for your mistakes. If you don't realize it was your choice, and yours alone, to leave Zig, then there's no way you can grow from that."

I wiped my cheeks, when I tasted a salty tear on my lip. I hadn't even realized I was crying. Aerith smiled and pulled me into a hug. She stroked the back of my head as I buried my face into her rose capris jacket, which smelled of flowers.

She lowered her voice and spoke softly, almost cooing into my ear. "For what it's worth, I think you're lovely. And I do think you deserve to know your past self. I just hope you don't use her as a vessel for your flaws. I'm sure she was made up of good and bad parts too. Just like you and me."

I'm entering a writing competition that my school is hosting that's judged by Lena Duhnam. Wish me luck!

Also, as always, please please please review! Comment! let me know how you guys are feeling this story. I've gotten a few followers (thanks for that, by the way!) but no comments. And comments make me so happy! Or they let me know how I can improve, and that's always important! So, if any of you lovelies have moment to spare, I would be so grateful to see how you guys are reacting to my writing.

I'll still love you if you don't wanna. :) Have a nice weekend ya'll, and I'll post a new chapter by next tuesday. Much Love.