Other people's heartache

Chapter 10: Weight of Living, pt. I

Day six. Saturday.

Stiles poured over the notebook again. It was his last chance to do that since tomorrow he was going to have to put it back where it belonged - wedged between the wall and Derek's bed. He left it lying on his bed while he made a few small adjustments to the chart. Satisfied, Stiles nodded and closed the closet door.

'Gah!'

That was the noise that came out of his mouth when Derek emerged from behind the door. Instinctively, Stiles glanced at the notebook. He didn't mean to, but his eyes seemed to be drawn to it. As soon as he realised what he was doing he averted his gaze, but it was already too late. Derek had seen it. He went from zero to fury in less than a second.

'Is this fun for you?' Derek growled. 'Reading about other people's heartache? Did you and Scott have a good laugh at my expense?'

'It isn't like that!' Stiles insisted, giving Derek as wide a berth as possible and closing the notebook.

'You've got a lot of nerve,' Derek choked out.

'I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have taken it. I'm an asshole. There. I said it,' Stiles stammered. It didn't seem like the kind of apology Derek would accept. Honestly, it wasn't much of an apology. I know I shouldn't have taken it, but I did it anyway. As far as apologies went, it sucked.

'How much did you read?'

Stiles thought about lying, but decided to tell the truth. After all, that's all he wanted from Derek too.

'Everything. About fifty times,' Stiles admitted. 'Like I said, I'm an asshole.'

Derek groaned.

'For the record, and in my defence, I didn't show it to Scott,' Stiles explained. 'He caught me reading it. And we didn't laugh about it either. And it's not like I even know who the girl is. Seems to me that maybe if you told her how you felt you'd feel a little bit better? I mean, assuming you haven't already, of course.'

Derek didn't facepalm, but it was close. His hand didn't quite reach his face. It was like half a facepalm.

'You're a freaking moron. Stop making this worse. Give me that,' he ordered. Stiles handed the notebook over. Derek tucked it into the back of his jeans.

'I'm sorry. I am. But, well, it gets so hard to talk to you. What was I supposed to do?' Stiles asked, attempting to justify his behaviour.

'Leave me alone?' Derek drily suggested. Stiles shook his head.

'I can't do that.'

'Why the hell not?' Derek demanded.

'Because you're not okay!' Stiles shouted. His sudden outburst stunned Derek into silence. Stiles slowly calmed down enough to elaborate.

'You're probably the strongest person I know and you're not okay. Alright, Derek? You're not okay. And I don't understand why you won't let me help you.'

Derek was on the verge of saying something – something meaningful; Stiles was sure of it – when he said this instead:

'I'm fine. Everything's fine.'

Stiles lost it.

'Oh my God, you're so annoying! How can I make things worse when they're fine? Yeah, that doesn't make sense, huh? Listen, I know that you're used to doing things alone. But that's not working, now is it? So, let's just... Let's just talk. You've gotta start somewhere. Why don't you start by talking to me and we'll see what happens. Tell me what's wrong. Tell me how you're feeling. Tell me why you're carrying this sadness around.'

'I don't feel anything,' Derek said. And there they were again. Stiles was getting so tired of going around in circles and ending up at denial. Every. Single. Time.

'Did you not hear me when I said that I've read your notebook? Don't pretend you're not feeling shit,' he snapped. Derek's face hardened. He took a step towards Stiles. Stiles resisted the insanely strong urge to back away and stood his ground.

'Okay, I feel,' Derek mocked. 'I feel that if someone had punched you in the face the first time you stuck your nose where it didn't belong then we wouldn't be having this fucking conversation. That's what I feel.'

'Seriously?' Stiles exclaimed. This was ridiculous. Derek was still lying. He wasn't angry. He was only pretending to be angry to get Stiles to back off.

'Yeah. In addition, I feel like I want to be the person to finally teach you to mind your own business. I really feel like that. I really feel like punching you right now. You think you know how I'm feeling? You have no idea. You think that I don't act grateful enough for your pity? Fuck you,' Derek snarled. He took another intimidating step towards Stiles, probably thinking that Stiles would back down. Not this time, though. Stiles was done being pushed aside. He was done being kept at a distance.

'Don't scare me off now,' Stiles warned. There was an edge to his voice that almost made it sound like a threat.

'I'm just trying to be your friend,' he added, softening his tone. Derek dismissed that without a second thought.

'I don't want you to be my friend.'

There wasn't really anywhere to go from there. Except...

'Fuck you,' Stiles said, clearly articulating each word. He wanted to take it back immediately, especially when Derek nodded in response. He looked smug. As if Stiles had given him exactly what he expected. Damn! This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

'I didn't mean that...'

'Don't come over. I won't open the door anymore,' Derek announced. Stiles couldn't think of a snappy comeback. His brain appeared to shut down. This was it. He had fucked it up. He had tried everything and nothing had worked. Derek was miserable and there was nothing he could do. This was it. Stiles recovered just in time to give a message to Derek's retreating back.

'I'm going to be your friend whether you want me to or not.'