DISCLAIMER: IT'S SORTA OBVIOUS I'M NOT THE OWNER OF TWILIGHT.
The next day, while we're on our way to school, Alec questions me about yesterday.
"Romeo said some rude things to me." Alec asks me to elaborate, looking worried. When I tell him, Alec is so furious he wants to break Romeo's nose. I sigh, though, and tell him not to, tempting as it is.
"Romeo is just feeling self-conscious. He's still a virgin, so I think for him it's a shock to know I'd do this with someone who isn't my boyfriend."
"So you're going to forgive him, just like that?"
"Of course not. He was a douche and I'm still too angry to even think of him. Besides, based on his earlier line of questioning, I think he's worried, too. He knows, deep down, that May cares a lot about image and money. I guess he feels inadequate when he compares himself to you. He might be worried that May will dump him for not being the most handsome, the richest, the most experienced or the coolest. I don't blame him, cause he should worry. May's had a lot of boyfriends. The only exception to her rules is Edward, and he's cool enough to make her disregard all her stupid misconceptions."
Alec looks deep in thought.
"But Marks is by no means uncool or dull-looking. I daresay he's even more handsome than many of my co-workers. And his dressing style is something I've been made to wear, but I'm sure he dresses like that unconsciously."
I agree.
"I know, but he's feeling insecure. He's been crushing on May for a while now. And she's very pretty, too. I bet he thinks she could do better than his inexperienced, naïve self." I shrug. "At least that's my guess."
"You seem to understand him well." I shrug, making a disregarding noise in the back of my throat.
"We've spent a lot of time together in the last few months."
Alec grabs my hand.
"Did I ever make you feel that way? You know, inadequate or insecure?"
I scoff, but throw him a smile and grab his hand tighter.
"Of course not. I knew I was too good for you."
He grins.
"At least you knew that much."
I blush, and he barks out a laugh. He knows I'm not shy, but his compliment makes me flustered.
"But in all seriousness, I never felt that way. You made me feel like the most beautiful and best girl in the world. You never once made me feel inferior to you, and I figured: if this gorgeous, amazing guy is dating me, I'm not half bad, right?" We laugh. "And I never told you this, but I only went out with you out of pity."
He laughs hard.
"Really? Wow, that hurt my ego. Why?" He asks between laughs, so I tell him.
"Because I knew you were back so often just to see me. I thought I should at least throw you a bone. Besides, I thought to myself: I have to meet the man behind the generous tips."
He laughs.
"I knew I tipped you too much."
I nod, not feeling the least bit bad about it.
"Thanks to you, I managed to buy a few books I'd been yearning. I figured I should get to know my handsome benefactor." I pinch his cheek, smiling.
"Really, Swan, you're too much."
We get to school.
"Do you want me to come pick you up?"
I smile, nodding.
"If it's not too much trouble."
"I'll manage." He winks at me.
I lean over, give him a brief kiss and lean back.
"God, I hate Siobhan. She doesn't know how lucky she is. If she doesn't agree to date you soon, I'm going to go smack some sense into her." I sigh mockingly.
"You'll miss me that much? Or just the sexual part?" He teases jokingly. I flush.
"Oh, shut up. You know I'm only with you for the sex." I give a longing sigh, looking at him out the corner of my eye. "She better appreciate you. I'm being the bigger man in relinquishing you."
"Relinquishing me?"
"Of course. What did you think, that you belonged to yourself?" We laugh, then I grow silent. "I'm really gonna miss our bantering like this. Next time you come visit me, we'll have to behave like platonic friends." I pout. "But I guess that's ok, since I sort of like you as a person, too."
"Sort of?"
"You shouldn't get conceited, Alexander, you're not that nice."
He smiles, shaking his head.
"Well, we have until Friday when I go back to reality. Until then, you get to keep me around as your boy toy, ok?"
"Boy toy. I like the sound of that."
We say goodbye and I get out of the car, then watch him drive away.
We both talked about it on Saturday. We seriously considered getting back together, and analyzed the ups and downs. In the end, we went against it for three main reasons: my age, his crush and our different hopes in life.
He said that to me, seven years of difference didn't seem like much, but it was. He said I had a lot left to see of the world, and that our desires would differ more and more as time passed. He said he was already in the age where he wanted to get married and, in a few years, have kids. I told him that I wasn't ready for that, and that I planned to get married after college. By that time, he'd be nearing his thirties, and he couldn't wait that much.
Then it was about his crush. Alec said he really did like Siobhan, and that he saw himself having a future with her. I made sure that he wasn't with her because she reminded him of me, and he profusely denied it, even going as far as showing me a picture of her. She was pretty, but she really didn't look like me physically, and as I understood, she had for the most part a personality opposite of mine.
Then, our hopes. Alec wanted the big, happy family living in the luxury he could afford. I didn't like thinking of living in such a big house, or having a large family and so far, I don't even want kids. Our lifestyles don't see eye to eye, too, and sometimes, extremely so.
Our conclusion was we were better off as friends.
Friends with benefits until either of us got a partner, but still. Friends.
"Belle!" I see Edward rushing down the street. He stops, gasping for air. He holds my shoulders as he tries getting his breath back.
"What's up?"
"Damn... Aston Martin... got away..."
I roll my eyes.
Briefly, I consider telling Edward what Romeo said to me yesterday. Then I decide he'll blow it out of proportion and hate the guy just as they were starting to get along.
"I'm surprised you didn't sleep right through my morning call."
"You kidding me? You called my phone five times and then the house phone two times. Anyone would've woken up."
I give myself a small pep talk, then tell Edward.
"Tony, you asked who my first was. I just thought you should know that... It was Alec."
I clench my eyes shut, ready for a hurtful barrage of words.
"Huh." I crack open an eye. "Really? I was so sure it was Black." I crack open the other eye, confused.
"You... aren't going to say something about me being easy? Or that I was too young or something?" Edward frowns.
"Why would I? You aren't an easy girl by any means. If you were, you'd have an STD floating around. In any case, it's your body, so you're the one that can do whatever you want with it, so long as you don't hurt yourself. And you were in love with that Müller guy, right? I don't see how age or easiness has to do with it."
And this is why Edward Anthony Cullen is my best friend, ladies and gentlemen.
"And if I told you I'm being less than pure with him now...?"
"I'd tell you to keep the details to yourself." He answers automatically, making me snort.
"I wasn't planning on sharing."
"What brought this on?"
I consider lying to him, but I promised him I wouldn't do that anymore.
So I give him a vague answer.
"Romeo implied that yesterday." When I see his murderous face, I hurry to calm him. Through poking at Romeo. "He's just jealous, though, because I get to go home with a model and he's still a virgin."
Immediately, Edward snorts mockingly.
Being evil makes him forget his anger sometimes.
"What, Marks, the guy that started school with two fresh bruises, is still a virgin?" he laughs again. "Man, that's too good."
"But don't say anything, ok? I'm telling you this in good faith so you don't go and pummel him." I stop him when he's about to make his way in the gates.
He looks at me seriously.
"Did he hurt you?"
I can't lie to him.
"He did, yesterday. But I've calmed down, and I know he knew instantly he'd fucked up. I just want to cool down today, but it's not bad enough I want you to beat him up or something. Besides, you know I could do that myself."
"True enough." He grimaces, probably feeling all over again the day he dared mention my father for a bit too long and I ended up kicking him in the balls. He pulls me in for a brief hug. "You know you can count on me to set that asshole straight, that?"
I squeeze him and let go.
"I know that."
Looping his arm with mine, we walk into the school.
This feels right, my stupid subconscious whispers.
Shut up. Nobody asked you.
"And you better remind him that he's got two strikes. One more and he's out."
Gulping, I salute.
When we find the gang, they're all in their own little world. Talking about something or the other, I greet all of them at the same time to avoid the awkwardness of not saying hi to Romeo at all.
Romeo hides his face, understanding what I'm doing.
Feel ashamed, asshole. Feel very ashamed.
"Hey Bella, when's Alec leaving?" Rose, ever so interested in my love life (now assured I have one that doesn't involve her boyfriend), asks. I want to strangle her, but I contain myself.
"Friday night. He's looking at a two hour drive back home, and next week he leaves for Germany." She looks visibly disappointed.
"And he's not taking you to meet the parents?"
I frown.
"Why would he? We're not going out."
The confusion is palpable.
"But he spent the night at your place." Ben, ever oblivious, says.
"He drops you off at school." Jazz continues.
"And he picks you up." Emmett contributes.
"Plus, he met with Mr. and Mrs. Cullen." Jamie points out.
Romeo knows better than to contribute, and Edward already had the rundown of my discussion with Romeo.
Flushing, I give them an explanation.
"It's not that I don't love Alec or that I didn't consider going out with him again. But we're in different places in our lives right now, not to mention he has a girl he really likes back home." I shrug. "I lost my chance to be with him, so right now we're just enjoying being friends."
"With benefits." Jamie wiggles his eyebrows. I slap his shoulder.
"But what do you mean, he has a girl he likes back home? So why's he doing stuff with you?" Ali asks, making my face grow redder.
"They're not dating yet. He hasn't manned up and told her he likes her. And as for why, butt out, Alice." She laughs when she sees how flustered I am.
"So you aren't going to see his Aston Martins?" Ben asks with a sad face.
I shake my head.
"I've already seen them in pictures, though. They look as great as in the movies."
The Three Idiots have pained faces.
Edward puts an arm around my shoulders.
"I for one am proud of my best friend. It's not every girl that lets go of a rich, handsome, cool and nice boyfriend. Is she stupid? Yes, incredibly so. But!" He laughs when I punch his side. "She knows she's doing the right thing."
The girls look slightly disappointed.
"Will we still see him when he gets a girlfriend?" Angela asks, surprising all of us.
"Of course. He's my friend. I have maintained contact with him all these months. I just hadn't had a chance to see him."
"We'll be sad to see his Aston Martin go." Jamie sniffles jokingly, breaking the tension. The bell rings, and we all part ways.
During math class, I sit with Jazz.
"Riley told me what he said to you yesterday. I figure I have to apologize for him, too."
I pat Jazz on the head.
"It's fine, Jazz. You don't have to stand up for him. Besides, I have something to tell you." I bring his ear a little closer. "I'm not that mad anymore."
"You aren't?" he pulls back, surprised.
I shake my head.
"I understand he's feeling insecure about May. Doesn't make me any less hurt, but it helps calm down my anger."
Jazz lets out a sigh of relief.
"I'm glad. Does Edward know?" I nod, making him grimace. "What did he say?"
"That he has two strikes. One more and he's out."
Jazz makes a pained face.
"Don't worry, Jazz. I'm not angry enough to kick him out of the group."
He looks like he has something to say, but in that moment Mr. Banner calls everyone to put attention, and so the class begins.
During lunch break, I don't go to the roof, life I've been doing lately. Romeo will be there, and I don't feel like talking to him yet. Instead, I buy a diet coke and bread, then climb up a hill on the back of the school, camera in hand. About twenty minutes into my snapping photos, I hear the crunch of branches behind me. I turn, expecting to find a freshman or Romeo trying to apologize.
Instead, I find Edward.
I smile and take a picture of him.
His hair has grown a lot over the last month. So much, in fact, that you can see its wavy tendency. It even covers his forehead. So he cut it in a cool style, shaving his hair an inch above his ears and down so there's hardly half an inch of hair left, leaving the top of his head's hair much longer than the rest. He always wears an open sweater under his uniform, making him look like those guys I love so much in manga.
I point to his new hairstyle, which I hadn't noticed earlier.
"You went to get a haircut yesterday and didn't tell me? That hurts." I pat the spot next to me. "It looks really good on you. It suits you." And I take another picture for good measure.
He sits down next to me.
"What's up?" he suddenly looks so serious.
"Three things." I give him the go ahead. "First: you, my friend, have been neglecting me. If you're not with Müller then you're with Marks, and if you're with neither you're working! You haven't been coming by the house as often, lately. We miss you."
I see for the first time just how much my best friend misses me. I guess with everything that's been going on, I have been neglecting him. Sometimes I forget that as he is such a big part of my life, I am of his. I suppose I don't give myself enough credit to think he could miss me this much. He's used to me being there. It's normal. So not being there must make him feel something is off. It warms my heart and makes something move in my stomach.
Stop fluttering.
"I'm sorry, Tony. I've just been really busy lately. What with my workload increasing, Alec coming into town and... Well, life, I guess. I'll try to come by a bit more often though, ok?"
Edward nods, smiling.
"Second. I haven't asked you how you really feel about not getting together with Alec. Or how you've been emotionally."
I lean on his shoulder, happy he's asking.
"Well, emotionally, I've been really stressed lately. Nothing big, but I have to put in extra time at work so I can get a week off to study for finals. I'm so tired you wouldn't believe it." I hum, thinking. "About Alec... I guess I feel slightly disappointed? He likes a luxurious life, not to mention he's already thinking about things like marriage and children. He's a wonderful man, and I'm sad I have to let him go. But if the girl he likes is half as amazing as he says she is, he'll be fine."
"But she'll never be Bella Swan... By the way, when are you going to tell me your middle name? You know mine, and yet not even mom knows yours. I feel like I should have the privilege as your best friend to know." Edward shakes his shoulder, making a point of it. I'm in a good mood with him, so I tell him.
"If you laugh I'll make noodles out of your fingers. Ok?" I see him cross his heart, and smiling, I tell him. "It's Marie."
He stiffens.
"Don't tell me Black knew and that's why he called you Rie...?"
"Have I mentioned I loved you today?" I try in my cutest voice, but Edward still attacks me and knocks me over. We roll down hill, leaving behind my camera.
"I'm really pissed. You told your boyfriend before me?" He's holding my wrists down, lying on top of me. He's heavy, so I have trouble wheezing out the words.
"Hey, so far... only my mother, my father, and... Jake know... Aren't you glad to be included in... the Top Four to know?" I get out, smiling nervously. The thing about Edward is he can feel either like joking or like killing you. So far, it would seem he's in a joking mood.
"I really wish I had known before Black, but... I guess there's no helping it now. Can I tell mom?"
"Don't you... dare. If you... do, I'll never tell you... a secret again."
Edward sees I'm starting to grow purple, so he has mercy and gets off me. Helping me to my feet, we make our way back up the hill.
We sit down, looking at the small forest behind the school.
"What was the third thing you wanted to say?" I ask, focusing my camera on a passing squirrel. The shutter going off is the loudest sound.
"How do you feel about Marks liking May?"
I turn to look at Edward.
He gives me a sympathetic look.
"Belle, I'm your best friend. I know you better than you know yourself. So spill."
Looking down at my camera, I talk.
"Half of me wants to smack some sense into Romeo. He's blinded by lust, so he isn't seeing her for who she really is. And he doesn't get it, that everything she does is to get closer to you. The other half wants to yell at Romeo for liking a girl that hurt me so badly." I pull my sleeves up, now that the only one that can see my scars is Edward. "So basically, I'm torn between worry and anger."
Edward pats my head.
"Don't worry. Everything will work itself out."
Friday arrives far too quickly for my taste.
Alec managed to spend every night in my apartment (and bed) except for Sunday night. He and I talk a lot about our futures, our expectations and most importantly, about nothing of relevance. We goof off a lot, eat a lot and have a lot of fun. Yesterday, he took me to the movies and a very fancy restaurant. I only agreed because I knew it would be our last time going out as a semi-couple, possibly forever. And, truthfully, I wanted to be lavished at least once by this generous man.
As for Romeo, I'm on speaking terms with him again, but I haven't gone to the roof all week long. Speaking terms isn't the same as made up. I want him to simmer in misery over what he did. See if he ever speaks to me like that again.
As for everyone else, everything is in order.
"I'll see you after school, Bella." Alec kisses me goodbye, for the first time lingering a bit in the kiss.
"I really wish you didn't have to go back. I've had an amazing week thanks to you."
"Me too."
Inside the school gates, the gang is at their usual place.
When I get there, everyone is rigging Romeo.
"Oh, someone is nervous about their date!" snickers Jamie, nudging Romeo on the ribs.
"He's looking forward to Mayyy." Jazz makes kissing noises; I don't expect him to join the teasing, so I bark out a laugh.
They turn to look at me.
"Oh, Bella!" the girls run towards me, big doe eyes in place.
"Aren't you sad?" Ali says with a pitying face.
"Alec is leaving today." Angela pitches in.
"You won't get to see him again for a long time!" Rose moans tragically, obviously hurting about the fact that my ex-boyfriend is going back home.
"I'll see him soon. And as soon as he comes back from Germany, he said he'd give me a call." I shrug. "It's fine."
The girls are re-enacting the painting of 'The Scream'.
"It's fine she says!" They garble amongst themselves, so I leave them to their own devices and talk to the boys instead.
"Three out of six of us boys are sort of glad your model ex is going away. I think all Angela's talked about is Alexander Müller these last few days." Ben offers. I laugh, agreeing.
"I'm glad he's going. He came in at a really rough time for me. I was planning on taking up extra hours at work, but I couldn't if I wanted to see Alec at all. I'm so tired." I say honestly, feeling how his visit has taken a toll on my body.
"So we agree the best we got from his visit was the Aston Martin, correct?" Jazz votes, receiving an aye from every boy. I glare at them.
"Nay, assholes." We banter for a few minutes and ignore the Gorgons (as I've grown to think of them). We bother Romeo a bit about his date, too, but the bell rings and interrupts our process.
To Romeo's utter surprise, I sit beside him in Math class.
"Bella?" he whispers.
"I'm being the bigger man here. I don't want you to be worrying about me while you're on your date with Ms. Perfect, so I'm making up with you. That way, if your date is awful, you can't blame me."
He looks grateful.
"Bella..."
"One more thing." I interrupt. "I understand your reasoning behind your hurtful words. But I'm warning you, you have to get rid of that insecurity. May can sniff a low ego miles away, and if she feels like you fancy yourself weak, she won't blink before dumping you. You're handsome, smart, your personality has many good points and you like her a lot. That is enough to make you confident. Don't care so much about what you aren't but what you are. There are certain bridges you can only cross when you come to them, so don't fret beforehand. Enjoy yourself and you'll be fine."
Romeo's relief, as always, is palpable.
"Thank you." He sighs. "How did you know..." he trails off, knowing I understood.
"I know you better than you think I do. You have a low self-esteem and you tend to take it out on others. Doesn't make it less awful, but it's an explanation." I shrug. "The rest is simple deduction."
"How very Sherlock Holmes of you."
"Indeed, my dear Watson."
"Bella, are you sure you weren't going to miss Alec?"
"Of course I am, as a friend. I told you, didn't I? I miss Mike, Alec and Jake as friends." Leveling him with a glare, I continue. "Believe it or not, the only reason why there's a sexual nature to our relationship right now is only because we're unattached. That, and he's my first. We still love each other, just not the same way. I wouldn't do this with just anyone."
Feel the heat of my scorn.
Romeo looks away.
"I really am sorry, you know? Even with everything going on inside me, what you do in your free time is none of my business. I shouldn't have said anything at all."
I nod.
"You're right. It isn't any of your business. But..." I give him a small smile. "Thank you for worrying about me."
Blinking, he turns to look at me.
"How did you..."
"I might not look it, but I am perceptive. I know it was a whole mix for you of concern and insecurity. It's alright, just don't do it again."
"You're cool, Bella."
Facing the front, I mutter, "Duh."
When school lets out, Romeo is a big bundle of nerves. He's pacing and muttering and running his fingers through his head. He's so nervous that I start growing worried about him driving.
"Romeo, I think I'd feel safer if Alec and I followed you to your house and then to pick up May. You're shaking so much I' worried you might crash."
It takes visible effort for Romeo to calm down.
"I'd appreciate that, if it's not too much trouble. I'll calm down, but right now I'm just... too nervous."
Alec is waiting for me in front of the gate.
"What's wrong, Liebe? You look worried." Alec states when I round to his side and knock on his window so he'll open it.
I give him a brief kiss before explaining.
"Romeo is about to go on his date with May, and he's so nervous I'm afraid he might crash. Would you mind tailing him until we get to May's house?"
Alec nods immediately.
"No problem. Does he know?" I nod. "Damn. I wanted to stalk him 007 style."
Laughing, I call him an idiot and then race over to the gate, where Romeo can see me give him the go ahead.
Getting in the Aston, we wait until I see Romeo's car pull out of the parking lot.
"Follow him, Mr. Bond."
Laughing, Alec does as told.
When we get to Romeo's, we have to wait for ten minutes for him to get ready and everything in order. While we're there, Alec and I comment on his house.
It's Victorian, beautiful and humongous.
Alec whistles.
"Now, that's a house right there."
"It is truly beautiful. It was done with really good taste." I dust off the cobwebs from my brain. "If I remember correctly, Romeo's mother was an architect before she became a housewife. This must be her work."
Alec and I assess it.
"Of course, yours is ten times bigger and done by some famous architect, but then again, this is the best you'll ever see around here."
"But mine was designed to look imposing, rich, modern and luxurious. This one was built big but homey."
He's right. Despite its size and glamour, it looks like it was made thinking of a family and not a heir.
"You're right, all-knowing-house-guru. Any other observation?"
"Romeo is coming out of the house."
"Indeed. Well, Agent 007, lead the way."
Before getting into his own car, Romeo comes to the rental and taps on my window.
"Yes?"
"Uh, thanks for tailing me. If you could just follow me until I reach May's, that'd be great. After that, you two can go do whatever you had planned. I'll be alright." For a moment, Romeo glances at Alec's and my hand, which are linked over the console.
"Ok. If you need anything, Alec and I will be at the park in an hour. There, or eating someplace cheap like KFC."
Or back at my place.
I decide to leave that little tidbit to myself.
"Alright. Thanks for everything, you two."
He heads back to his car.
As we roll out of the driveway, Alec tugs at my hand. I blink and turn to look at him.
"How are you feeling?"
"Pissed. I really hate May. I wish he'd picked another girl to fall in love with. Even Jessica would've been better." I frown.
"Well, it's understandable. For now, let's enjoy ourselves stalking Marks."
Grinning, we tell odd jokes to each other, trying to see which one laughs first at the god-awful jokes.
I lose. I really love bad jokes.
Romeo comes to a stop in front of a quaint, normal-sized house painted beige. It's May's house, alright. I remember playing with her in the front garden, getting all dirty and then having to hear her mother's complaints about us staining the floor with mud. Back then, May didn't care much about staining her clothes.
We park further back, behind the car Romeo parked in front of.
I see him try to ring the doorbell a few times, then recoil. Exasperated, I roll the window down.
"Ring the fucking doorbell, Romeo, it doesn't bite!" I growl, then roll the window back up.
"But you sure do." Alec snickers.
"Shut it, Müller."
We watch as he finally builds up the courage to press the button. He's fidgeting, and at one point he looks at us. He stares for a second, and I don't know what he sees, but he calms down and waits patiently. He has a single red rose. I know May will love it.
Finally, the door opens.
May is there, dressed in jeans, ballet flats and an off the shoulder pink shirt. Her red hair is lose, and from here I can see her excited face when she receives Romeo.
He says something, then hands her the rose.
I can see her face brighten up, and for a moment, I have the hope that maybe Romeo will charm her into not hurting him.
She grabs his hand and guides him into the house.
Not, though, before I see a wide smile cross his face.
It makes me worried. He likes her so much, so what will he do if she turns out to be playing him? I'm loathe to see him hurt. It happened before, once. Tan started dating the most popular jock in her school, and he turned out to only be playing her. Throughout the weeks they dated, I was worried and sneered at the jock every chance I got. They're important people to me.
Mustering my best smile and telling myself not to worry too much, I turn to Alec.
"Let's get out of here. Romeo is fine, so we don't need to stay here." I squeeze his hand. "But let's swing by the diner first. I need to change my clothes."
Nodding, he does as told.
As we drive away, I can see Romeo and May come out of the house, both smiling.
Biting my lip, I make small talk with Alec.
The afternoon goes by amazingly fast. I guess that happens when you're having fun and you're worrying all along about someone else's date. Alec and I have an amazing time, joking, retelling anecdotes and goofing off as much as his personality allows us to. Before he has to go, we stop by my apartment for a quicky. Not one of my proudest moments, but honestly one of the most pleasurable ones.
Alec leaves at around seven, promising to come visit again sometime soon.
I cry a bit, tell him I miss him and order him to not come back without Alice as his girlfriend.
Smiling softly, Alec kisses my forehead. We're in front of my apartment, and I'm wearing one of his boxers and button-up blue t-shirts. I'm barefoot, with my hair hanging all over the place. His bags are in his car, and we're saying goodbye here because he said he wants us to bid farewell up now, more privately, and that he doesn't want a cliché where I linger in the street, watching him drive away.
So instead I let him kiss my forehead and murmur sweet nothings, then watch him go down the stairs and open the door that reaches the street. He looks back one time, smiles and blows me a kiss in a really cheesy way, then closes the door behind him and leaves.
Staying there a second longer, I hear the car drive away.
I enter my apartment, close the door behind me and slide against the door.
Sitting against it, I let the tears I've held in all day long fall.
I'm not quite sure what I cry for. Romeo? Alec? Myself?
I know what I'm crying for; everything. Everyone.
I cry because I'm heartbroken, and because I'm finally seeing things I was unknowingly blind to.
I cry for my past relationships and the failure they were.
Mike was a fling. We never expected much from each other, only to have a good time when we were together. If we couldn't meet, neither of us suffered. When he went back to Prague, I knew I'd miss him, but it didn't hurt. We were more like friends with benefits than anything else.
Alec was the perfect boyfriend. He was reliable, and his job was under the public eye, which gave me the security that he couldn't just flee like my father. He cared for me and was understanding of me. But we were too similar, and our relationship lacked passion. Maybe that's one of the reasons why falling for Jake was so easy; maybe, if Alec and I had been more passionate (not in bed, but in general), things would've turned out differently. We never fought, and we rarely had heated arguments about our varying opinions, since they were so similar. But our relationship was too serious, too grown up. We weren't right for each other.
Then there was Jake. We fell for each other too hard, were too infatuated with each other. It wasn't healthy. How much we loved each other... I guess a love like that was doomed from the beginning, meant to die out from the start. He was everything I wished for in a man. But at the end of the day, I relied too much on him to give me happiness, and he did not rely enough on me to be able to accept his decisions. I was forced to learn that you can't base your happiness on another person, hard as it may be.
I'm like this, crying intensely, because worrying about Romeo's love life made me look back on mine. And if I compare how fleeting they were, how unsuccessful, to how Romeo's relationship will end, I feel sad. I know how everything ends for Romeo. Broken heart and looking for the next best thing.
More than anything, I want to go back in time and tell myself that those loves, though necessary, were untrue. I want to go back and tell Romeo the same thing, so that he'll judge his feelings for May better.
I cry. I cry until I'm all out of tears. I cry about anything I can think of; my first boyfriend, my first serious relationship and my first heartbreak. I cry for my father, disappeared to somewhere I don't know. I cry for my mother, my poor mother, who I visit when I can and send the money I have to spare. I cry for the Cullen family, and how much they must have suffered when they found me surrounded by blood. I cry for my group of friends, and how much pain and turmoil I've brought them. I cry for Romeo, who'll face heartbreak sooner or later, even if he doesn't deserve it.
I cry for myself.
Hours later, when I have no tears left to leak, I stand up. I feel reborn; weightless, free. I walk to the bathroom's sink, wash my face and comb my hair. I change into yoga pants, converse, Edward's Superman shirt and a sweater. I grab my keys, wallet and ancient phone.
I make my way to the only home I've ever known:
The Cullen household.
I use my key to let myself into the house. Aunt Esme and Uncle Carlisle are curled up in front of the TV, and I can hear the music blasting from Tan's room. Sneaking up behind them, I lightly touch their shoulders.
"OH MY GOD!" Aunt Esme gasps, then turns around, smiling. "Dear, next time you're trying to scare someone, be careful to not be reflected on the TV. Really, I thought we trained you better than that."
"Drat." I snap my fingers, smirking. Uncle Carlisle still hasn't ripped his face away from the TV, but then again, I didn't expect him to. "The news? How boring." But despite my words, I lose myself in the news, too.
"Bella, you haven't dropped by often lately. Is everything alright?"
"Huh?" I snap myself back to reality. "Oh, yeah, everything's ok. But you remember Alec, the guy I brought on Sunday? Well, he was staying throughout the week, and he left today. Since he was here only to visit me, I thought I might as well spend my time with him."
"Well," she pats my hand. "The house was far too quiet without you. If you're wondering, Tanya is upstairs and that ruffian you call a friend is out. He should be back soon."
"He better. His curfew is in an hour." Uncle Carlisle mutters, changing the channel to a game.
"Oh, that's ok. I'll just be in Tan's room, then."
I trudge up the stairs, then barge straight into Tan's very pink room.
She's lying face down on her bed, alternating between reading a magazine and texting. Bored, she raises her eyes. When she sees me, her face brightens, then falls.
"What are you wearing, Bella?"
I give her an embarrassed smile. She sends a quick text, shuts her magazine and gives me her undivided attention.
"I've decided to go back to my usual style." She starts protesting, but I stop her. "Obviously, I'll try to wear the uniform's skirt once in a while, and I won't wear my hair in a bun anymore, Your Highness. I'm not reverting completely."
I sit down on her bed.
"Why are you doing this, Bella?"
So I explain.
"This is me. I was thinking about it a lot, why lately, I feel like something is wrong. I might've started dressing like this for comfort because I felt I had no other choice, but... at the end of the day, this is who I am. I'm happy this way. I feel... safe."
Tan looks at me with all-knowing eyes, sighing.
"What else? There's something bothering you. Your eyes are red, Bella, of course I'd notice."
I give her a sad smile.
"I realized my relationships were a failure."
"All of them?"
"Some more than others, but yeah. There's this voice inside my head, telling me I never should've dated any of them. I'm happy I did, don't get me wrong. But they weren't right for me. I guess I'm sad. I don't want to feel this way, but I do. A part of me wishes I had waited for the right guy, and another part is thankful for the experience and love I received. My love for Jake was destructive, not at all healthy. I feel flighty for having dated Mike. I feel awful for having hurt Alec, and yet..."
"You don't regret it?"
"Exactly. I learnt a lot. And it got me thinking about Romeo."
"Romeo?"
"Riley Marks, the guy I went to Sadie Hawkins with."
"What about him?"
"I realized I have to let him make his own mistakes. He'll get hurt by May and it'll hurt me, too, as his friend. But I have to support him, hate for May aside."
"So you're fine?"
I nod.
"I'm just a bit sad. It'll go away soon, so don't worry. It's not like I'm heartbroken, so it's ok. This will pass in a few hours." I lay down, looking at the ceiling. "Now, hit me with the latest gossip."
And she does. She tells me of everything that's been happening lately in her college, tells me of who did what and who said shit. We're in the middle of a very deep discussion regarding a certain promiscuous Eric Yorkie, when the door to Tan's bedroom opens and in steps Edward.
I glance down at my watch.
"Wardo? I wasn't expecting you for at least another half hour. Was the party that boring?"
I hear a sound escape Tan, but I'm not quite sure what. It sounds like a snort, but I'm inclined to believe it's a grunt of annoyance.
Edward's glare doesn't provide an answer, either.
"It was a drag. No alcohol, either. It didn't matter much because I was the designated driver, but still. I was looking forward to making fun of everyone." He leans his head to the side. "I just bought a couple Xbox 360 games. Want to break them in with me?"
"Depends. What're they about?"
"Does Final Fantasy XIII-2 and Halo 4 mean anything to you?"
I gasp.
"You didn't..."
"I did."
I take a quick look at Tan, already scrambling off the bed.
"Sorry Tan. Final Fantasy wins. See ya!" I hurry after Edward, who's already crossed the hallway and has started opening the game.
"Yeah, yeah." I hear her mutter before closing the door behind me and racing towards Edward's room.
I find him already popping the game in.
"Will you do the honors?" He hands me the control. I grin in a really geeky way.
"Gladly."
I don't even ask him if he's sure.
We sit down on the floor, next to the Xbox and in front of the TV.
"That you're here must mean Müller is gone, right?" he asks from his spot. He's leaning back on his hands. I'm paying more attention to the game than him, though, so he repeats his question when he receives no answer.
"Huh? Oh, yeah. Sent him off a few hours ago."
"Are you sad?"
I answer him distractedly, too focused in the introduction.
"Sure..."
Edward presses pause, making me gape at him.
"What'd you do that for?" We go through the game of stopping and resuming a few times before I stop trying to resume the game. "What?" I raise an eyebrow.
"I asked if you're sad that Müller is gone."
I blow some hair out of my face, annoyed.
"And I answered, sure." I roll my eyes, and he pokes me in the stomach. He hates me rolling my eyes, I hate him poking my stomach. Tit for tat. "What do you want me to say? I'm fine. I'll miss him, but it's not like my world began and ended with him."
"Then why were you crying?"
I divert my eyes from his face, looking instead at the frozen image in the TV.
"Long story short, I'm worried about Romeo and sad about my relationships. I've accepted Romeo has to make his own mistakes, and at the same time, I feel hopeful that May won't hurt him. I realized, too, that there's something wrong about my relationships. I don't regret them, but I wonder if I should've waited. I feel I was too young for such relationships." I flicker my eyes to Edward's briefly. He looks attentive, as always.
So I continue.
"I guess, in a way, Romeo reminds me of myself. Fell hard for someone troublesome. I want to save him the pain, but he won't let me. Maybe, if he's lucky, May will come to like him more than she likes you."
"Go on."
Why does he know me so well?
"I got to thinking that... my previous relationships weren't all that healthy. Sure they were fun and exactly what I had wanted them to be, but they left me..."
"With a sense of emptiness inside?" Edward gives me an all-knowing look. Sighing, I agree.
"Emptiness and lessons. Thanks to them, now I know what I want and what I don't want in future relationships."
"What do you want?"
"From Mike, I realized I want laughter. I want every day to be fun. From Alec, I realized I want to be treated like a woman every single day. I want to feel pretty and treasured. And from Jake, I learnt I want passion. I want heated arguments and debates and something new to learn every day. "
"What don't you want?" I shift slightly, recalling my conclusions.
"Because of Mike, I realized I don't want someone that thinks as far as tomorrow. Not necessarily a planner, but someone that thinks of the future every once in a while, and includes me in that vision. Due to Alec, I know I don't want to feel detached, floating in and out of the relationship. I want stability and forethought, but I don't want my next ten years to be planned out. And then from Jake, obviously, I want someone reliable. Someone that won't run away. I want to be someone's priority; not creepy in the way of 'I'll give up everything for you' but more like thinking of me when making decisions, even if I won't like it. " I finish, blushing lightly.
Edward nods, taking it all in.
"Well, I'm glad you know what you want. And I'm glad to see you really are ok." He assesses me for a second longer, then presses play again for the game. "Now, on to Final Fantasy."
"Yes, sir!"
We spend five hours playing, taking turns. By the time we're done, I'm lying on the floor, curled up around a bowl of popcorn and on my way to dreamland.
"Good night, Belle." I hear a whisper, then feel a kiss on my forehead, and then I'm out.
Yeah, so as you can see, Bella had some shit to think through. Sometimes we tend to idolize people, and it's only until they're gone that we start really seeing them for who they were. Not necessarily bad people, but not perfect. Nobody's perfect, even if they might seem like it. I also happen to enjoy learning from other people's relationships; I see what problems they face, and try to avoid them in the future. But here's the best piece of advice I've learnt from watching others: you can't love another person if you don't love yourself. You'll only make yourselves miserable. But anyways, leave me some love! The posting spree is almost over.
Leah.