Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink

21st July 2033

7am- Why does she have to vacuum at this time? If needs to clean, could easily do nice quiet dusting.

7:35am- "You woke me up."

"That was the plan," Didn't even look up from current activity of scrubbing kitchen floor.

"Why?"

"We need to get ready for her coming, go wake Ellie up."

7:36am- This is not good idea. Beginning to fear for life. Should make her tea, tea will make her hate me less.

7:37am- Have realised tea will not transform her out of teenage state, so will still be very angry at me for waking her up before noon. Especially as is summer holidays.

8:01am- After long internal debate, have decided will postpone waking of daughter for as long as possible. Will get to work with wiping kitchen surfaces, even though have feeling Nikki has already done.

8:23am- "Is she up yet?"

8:24am- Know will miss her once she has moved out, but really not going to miss mornings.

9:14am- Finally coaxed her out of bed.

9:17am- "Why is she scrubbing the shower?" Ellie just returned from attempt to get Nikki to eat breakfast, think mission was unsuccessful. "They're not even staying overnight,"

"Just go with it."

"Knowing our luck, we will probably have to use the shower at some point," Looked at me disapprovingly.

"It wasn't my fault." Can't believe still blames me for what happened to last girlfriend. "There was a clear sign saying wet paint."

"This is precisely why I'm never letting you meet my boyfriend."

"You have a boyfriend?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Cheeky git.

"ELLIE!" Had already disappeared into room.

1pm- "Mum, why are you so bothered about this?"

"I am not repeating last time."

"How does cleaning stop that happening again? You should just kick Dad out for the day," Really hate that now both boys are away at uni, am now outnumbered by women for first time in life. Need to find way to stop them ganging up on me. Blackmail could work. Need to find blackmail material.

"IT WASN'T MY FAULT!"

1:31pm- We're 10 mins away. How's Mum?

Better hurry up. Texted back. If not, you'll have one less sibling.

Is that meant to be a bad thing? ;)

2pm- Very nice girl. Joanna, studies journalism. Doesn't seem to be wearing fake tan, so not Tom's usual type. Think this is good thing. Also, she is willing to join in with us when bullying Tom, very useful quality for future.

3:30pm- "So, what do you think of her?" Nikki had taken opportunity to show her around garden. Sat around kitchen with children, drinking tea, feels very grown up. Miss them being toddlers. Although, soon will probably have toddlers running around again, but in grandchildren form.

Forget last thought, far too young to be a grandparent.

"She's lovely,"

"Thanks,"

"Did you drug her?" Ellie is girl after own heart.

"What? Ellie, no!"

"Got some dirt on her?" Tom now looks very confused, poor boy. "Is she missing some chromosomes here and there?"

"No, what are you on about?"

"I was just trying to figure out why the hell she was dating you," Was glad Jack was still away, think Tom would have gotten far too wound up if there were two to pick on him.

8pm- "Please take her to bed." Tom dragged me out of living room, temporarily leaving poor Joanna alone with Nikki.

"She's not that bad."

"She is!"

"Stop being a spoil sport," Ellie added. "You're just worried she's going to end up talking about the time she walked in on you..."

"Ok," Tom stopped Ellie finishing. "Maybe I am. But that's fine, because she's my girlfriend. And, if you don't mind, if she's going to dump me, I'd like it to be over something other than my weirdo family," Do feel little bit sorry for him. But if is serious about girl, should realise that she's is going to be exposed to it all at some point. Think maybe may as well get it over with. "Dad, after last time, you owe me."

"Fine."

9pm- "She's lovely,"

"Isn't she just," Had begun to get a little fed up of humouring drunk wife.

"She's really lovely,"

"Yep. Fancy repeating that for a hundredth time?"

"She's so lovely," Attempts to get her to lie down on bed were failing. "You're lovely," Still getting nowhere. "Aren't you going to say I'm lovely?"

"You're lovely," Began grabbing at my shirt and kissing neck. Not overly pleasant experience having drunk wife attempt to be seductive. Also, as two children were in house, highly inappropriate.

"Harryyyyyyyy,"

"Nikki," Tried batting her away, but was very incessant drunk. Wish was more like this when sober.

"Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaase,"

"No."

9:21pm- Can see no way of getting her to stop.

9:23pm- Cold shower. At least it's clean.

The penultimate snippet.