Sorry for the late update! I've been really busy with school and everything, plus I also recently got sick which sucks -_-
Thank you all so much for your reviews! I luv u guys! x3 Haha its funny how many are already trying to predict where I'm going to go with this story xDDD I have sort of have an idea of how this story will go but even then I'm still not sure lol xD I'll try to make it original though and not have an ending so very obvious to everyone ^^
with that, enjoy my new chapter! :D I think this chapter came out longer than the other one xD
Disclaimer: I don't own Shugo Chara or anything related to it *sighs*
I can't. I can't face him. It was the first time that I have actually used any type of physical force on anyone and I hoped that it was the last time. I walked quickly to the classroom in the morning, hoping that I could avoid him but as soon as I turned a corner into the hallway, I saw him walking to his classroom, which of course, had to be the direction I was coming from.
His eyes met mine for a moment before quickly turning away, but not before I caught a glimpse of sorrowfulness in them. I turned my eyes down and kept on walking, as a feeling of guilt arose in me. As we passed each other, I clutched my book bag tight, trying to suppress the same set of emotions that came close to almost breaking me down yesterday. As soon I reached my classroom, I felt relief but that only lasted briefly before being replaced by melancholic feelings.
This is for the best right? I thought as I kept my book bag clutched to me in my seat. Maybe for everyone else too, if I can distance myself from them, if I slowly start disappearing from their lives…it won't be so hard on them when I completely do. I closed my eyes and hugged my book bag even closer to me, trying to keep myself pulled together as I felt that sadistic feeling of fear overpower my body, as it was always doing ever since I learned of the results.
"Rima? Are you okay?" I heard Amu's concerned voice ask.
I took a moment before I did open my eyes again and turned to Amu with a plastered smile on my face. "Yea, I'm fine, just tired."
Amu's eyes flickered with concern for a second before turning back into the bright eyes she usually had. "Okay, that's good." She replied with a smile.
I turned to face the front of the classroom again, as the teacher walked in. I have to be more careful in how I act around Amu too.
I was feeling anxious as I walked to the guardians meeting, thinking that maybe I should skip out on this one, and tell them tomorrow that I felt sick or something. No…I should probably keep things going as normal as possible, everyone would probably start to suspect something, especially him. I started walking faster, not wanting to let my uneasiness get the better of me and ditch the meeting.
I walked in on the garden and was relieved to find that only Tadase and Yaya were there, still waiting for the others to come. I found it unusual that Nagihiko wasn't there though, since he was usually was one of the first ones there to arrive. Did he think about skipping out on the meeting too and actually did? At least it's better for me though.
"Rima-tan!" Yaya exclaimed, her mouth full of cake.
"Good afternoon, Mashiro-san." Tadase said with a smile.
"Hey." I replied to them both, and sat at my chair, ready to settle into my protective state where I could keep away those undesirable feelings from gnawing at me until I heard Yaya exclaim the name of the person who could very well cause me to break apart.
"Nagi! Why did take so long! Yaya knows you're always here early!"
"That's true Fujisaki-kun," Tadase added.
I gripped the hem of my skirt as he walked up to the round table where we were sitting. Why am I so uncomfortable and nervous? I remembered the event from yesterday and I internally winced at it, knowing that he was so close to finding out about my results.
"Sorry, I forgot I had to clean the blackboard after class today," Nagihiko replied, smiling at them as he walked over to his seat. He looked over at me.
"Mashiro-san." He greeted me with a small smile, even though his eyes did not agree, glinting with hidden dejection.
I gave him a slight nod, acknowledging him and turned my eyes away from him, not wanting him to see my remorseful expression. Does he really need to make me feel this bad for what I did and said to him yesterday when I already feel horrible enough as it is? It's like he's acting like the victim, it's not fair. I clenched my fist, trying to keep my frustration with him concealed. It's not fair. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping to keep the tears that were threatening to spill out at any moment. It's not fair at all… he doesn't know anything.
"Mashiro-san, are you okay? You look pale." I heard Tadase say out loud.
I opened my eyes, and quickly looked over at him. "Yea, it's just really warm in here."
"That's true; September is one of the warmest months in the year." Tadase replied, "Why don't you go outside for some fresh air while we wait for Hinamori-san?"
"Yaya can splash you with water if you want!" Yaya suggested excitedly, already looking for the water hose. "We can make a fun water balloon fight!"
"No, I'm okay." I replied, noticing that even though Nagihiko wasn't looking at me, wore a concerned expression on his face.
I need some rest, I thought, suddenly feeling extremely exhausted.
For the next few days, Nagihiko acted as a polite stranger, keeping his distance from me. In the hallways he would turn his eyes away from me as we passed each other without any acknowledgement and at meetings, he would merely greet me with a small smile and a proper "Mashiro-san" before turning away into other matters. I probably would've been great with all of this except that I could still find unhappiness in his eyes whenever he did meet my eyes straight on or a concerned look even though he was turned away from me.
I could tell that the guardians were starting to notice the strange silence and behavior between Nagihiko and me, knowing that even if I didn't really like him before, at least we had some type of communication. I had some relief that Amu hasn't asked me about it yet but I knew she would soon, and I hoped she didn't, since I don't think I could've been able to handle that with everything else going.
Things were not going good back at home. Both my mom and my dad were trying to cope with their own anguish, forgetting that I was suffering more than them. My dad dealt with his pain by avoiding both my mom and me, drowning himself into his work, leaving early and coming really late at night. I knew very well he was trying to forget what was happening, trying to avoid in actually coming face to face with the truth, but I knew it wasn't helping the situation.
My mom on the other hand, shut herself in her room a lot, and whenever she did come out, I could tell she was trying hard not to be connected with reality as well. She would clean and clean and clean, and I found myself wondering what exactly she was trying to clean, to erase in our lives.
The other time where I had seen her cry was one morning where I walked down the stairs, expecting my mom to drive me to school and instead I was greeted with eggs, bacon, toast, and other foods that I didn't usually encounter at breakfast. Rima, she said, with a smile that was too forced, I decided to make you breakfast today. Staring at the foods, I felt something wrong with this scenario, still I answered that I wasn't hungry, which was the truth.
My mom walked over to the table, and gripped the edges of it, bowing her head for a moment before slowly falling to her knees. I could not tell what her expression was until I heard soft cries coming from her, her hands still grabbing onto the table for support. Rima, she cried with pure pain in her voice, I just want you to be healthy.
Mama, I replied softly, staring down at her. It frightened me seeing her this way, and I grabbed a chair for support, fearing that the sudden rush of emotions would cause me to break down too, and I knew it would be bad if that happened. I looked at the clock and saw that school was going to start soon. I looked back at my mom, and seeing her in that state, I knew she wasn't going to be able to take me to school today. I grabbed my backpack and fighting the urge to not cry my fearful feelings out, I headed out the door to walk to school that day.
I don't want to lose you were the last words I heard softly from my mom before I got a chance to close the door and not let that grief follow me throughout the rest of that day.
When I did want to cry though, I couldn't. All those undesirable feelings bottled up in me left me feeling drained, without any energy other than playing the role I had to play at school. I spent most of my time in my room, not wanting the tormenting aura that my parents were giving to suffocate me.
"Rima!" Kusukusu would exclaim, tugging on my sleeve as I lay curled up in a protective ball in bed. "Let's watch your favorite comedy show!"
"No." I would simply reply, embracing myself even tighter, trying give myself some comfort.
"Let's read your favorite gag manga! Let's go to the park! Let's go visit Amu-chan!"
I always gave out the same answer, and everytime I did, I felt a pang of guilt hit me, knowing that everytime I said no, I was hurting Kusukusu. I could've said yes, maybe just one time, but I could never find the strength to come through with it.
"Rima…" she would say softly, hopelessness written on her face. After a while, she would give up, and land on my bed, close to me. I could tell that the very same feelings I was feeling she was experiencing too, distress on her face as she looked into my eyes.
"I'm sorry," I would whisper softly, holding her close to me, knowing that there wasn't anything I could do at that moment, other than comforting each other. We would both close our eyes, sometimes staying in that position curled up in bed till morning, which was when my nightmare would suddenly attack.
It's not normal. Darkness should never be this dark, this black, this empty. I tried escaping from it, like always, but I could never get away from it. I could feel it biting me, scratching me, attacking me, suffocating me, hitting me, crushing me, burning me, shattering me, destroying me. And I knew no matter how much I screamed, yelled, whispered, cried, begged, asked, pleaded, shouted…no one would ever come save me.
I awoke with a start, sitting straight up and immediately clasped my hands over my mouth, suppressing the scream that was dying to escape from me.
"Rima!" Kusukusu cried, flying up to me.
I met her eyes filled with worry, and I turned away, my hands still over my mouth, trying to get rid of my emotions that still felt fresh from the nightmare. I closed my eyes, and after breathing slowly, I managed to calm myself down, and bringing my hands down, I turned to Kusukusu, "Bad dream," I said softly, somehow managing a weak smile.
Her worried expression still remained, and I bowed my head, hiding my eyes under my bangs, not letting her see my true expression. Ever since that day, I've been having that same dream torture me every night, each time waking up almost to the point of screaming and letting my fear loose. So now I can't even sleep huh? I thought, smiling bitterly at the thought of what seemed my only escape from reality.
I looked at the clock and saw that it was time for me to get ready for school. I got out of my bed and walked to my dresser, where I could see a white piece of paper mocking me on top of it. It was the results that I've somehow stolen from my mom's room during the times when she actually left the house for work. During the first few days of finding out the results, I still needed some proof for it to actually sink in, and I managed to get a hold of them, finding them deep under her drawer of important documents, and was relieved that she didn't notice them missing.
I glanced at it, my feelings of despair rising up in me, and quickly grabbed it, crumpled it and threw it to the floor, not wanting to have anything to do with it. I stared straight ahead in my mirror, and I could notice anguish in my eyes. In frustration, I rubbed them as hard as I could; trying to erase those feelings in them, but it was in vain. I could feel tears form in my eyes as I stared back at them; those aren't my eyes, were they always so dull and lifeless before? But I can't cry now, not now, I thought. I need to get ready for school.
"Riiiiiimaaaaaaaa-taaaaaaaaan!"
"Huh? What?" I said disoriented, immediately lifting my head from the table and sitting up straight as soon as I heard Yaya's voice ring out in my ears. Oh great, I managed to actually fall asleep at the meeting.
"Am I actually that boring Mashiro-san?" Tadase asked, laughing lightly as he held a paper in his hands of something he was reading to us before I took my little nap.
"Not really," I stated, quickly acquiring my usual attitude of indifference, "I was just tired."
"You seem tired a lot in class too, Rima," Amu questioned, and I felt my body tense up as I saw a hint of worry in her expression. Oh no, is it really getting that noticeable now?
"Of course, have you seen the amount of homework our teacher has been giving us?" I replied.
"You're right," Amu grumbled, "It's like all I do at home now is just homework, homework, and more homework!" Ran, Miki, and Su laughed as Amu brought her hands to her head in frustration.
I sighed quietly in relief. I was able to distract her and everyone else with that remark. But I couldn't deny what Amu had said though. It's very true that I was getting more tired than usual, and I guess a part of it was because of some pills that the doctor had prescribed to me to control my agonizing headaches that used to attack me before. But it still left me more exhausted than ever, and sleepless nights with that nightmare didn't help either.
Nagihiko wasn't looking at me, still ignoring me politely like a complete stranger, but I could still note a concerned look on his face as he played absentmindedly with a pen on his hand. I turned away from him, not wanting him to see through my façade although I was pretty sure he knew I was lying. Pretty sure.
"Okay, the last task that we need to finish is buying last-minute supplies for the festival that's in a few days." Tadase said, looking down at his list, then up at us.
"Yaya can't go shopping today because she has to take care of her baby brother!" Yaya exclaimed quickly, grabbing her stuff.
"So sorry! My mom and dad want me to take care of Ami today too," Amu spoke, looking suspiciously guilty as she glanced at me with apologetic eyes.
"I have to help my grandma with some chores, I'm very sorry" Tadase added, also looking suspiciously guilty as he looked quickly between Nagihiko and me.
Wait, so that means-
"Nagi and Rima-tan get to go shopping together then!" Yaya cried excitedly, while I saw Amu snicker quietly behind her.
It was their idea! Ugh, it was so like Amu and Yaya to plan this and then to drag naïve Tadase into it. No, I don't know if I could go shopping with him…I can make up an excuse right on the spot though!
Just as soon as I was about to state the importance of the birthday of a dear family member of mine, I heard him speak up.
"Don't worry I can go by myself, I'm sure I could manage."
I turned and glanced at him, and saw him looking at the others with a smile on his face even though his eyes didn't agree with it. So he knows that I really want to go shopping with him just as much as I really want to burn my gag manga. How nice.
"Aww, are you sure?" Amu asked, slightly disappointed at how their plan was turning out.
"Yes, I'm sure," Nagihiko replied, chuckling, and I felt an unknown feeling unravel itself in me.
Maybe it would be best if I go with him…just so that he can see that everything's fine and dandy, and that I have no secrets to hide…I can't believe I'm really about to do this.
"I'll go with him," I said in the most nonchalant way that I could, gripping the hem of my skirt tightly as I realized what I was getting myself into.
Nagihiko turned and caught my eye, his full of surprise, before quickly turning away.
"Are you sure?" He asked, and I knew then that he was probably thinking that I was too exhausted and should go home and get rest. Ha, well I was about to prove him wrong and show him that I was as healthy as I could be! (even though I really was exhausted.)
"Yes, I'm the queen aren't I?" I replied condescendingly, "I think I should be able to manage what is expected of me."
"Yay!" Yaya exclaimed. "It's like a dat-" She wasn't able to finish her sentence as Amu quickly covered her mouth with her hand, laughing nervously. They really need to learn how to execute their plans more discreetly.
Soft winds blew against my hair as we walked to the stores to finish getting the supplies. Well, I wouldn't say that we were walking together. He was a couple of steps ahead of me, so I trailed behind him, starting to think that I probably should've just gone home and taken a nap, curled up in my bed.
The sunset was painting the sky into many different, warm colors, and I turned my head down, a rush of emotions passing through me. It was around this time, around the time the sun was setting in for the night, that I felt the most heavyhearted. The thought that another day had passed so easily, without actually leaving any memorable trace in history, left me realizing that one day I would disappear easily too, and next day would go on as normal, as if nothing had happened.
I winced, my hands suddenly clenched. I should stop thinking about these thoughts; it's not safe to think about them in a place like this. I looked up and saw his hair flowing in the direction of the wind gently, making soft swishing sounds. I felt my cheeks feeling warm and turned away. He doesn't really care…does he?
I almost bumped into him when he suddenly stopped walking. "Okay, so we just need one more item and we'll be through with the list," he said. "If you want, I can go buy it myself that way, your parents don't have to worry about you being late." He turned to me with a small smile playing on his face, even though his eyes were distant.
I felt frustration rise up in me as I turned away to avoid meeting his eyes. Was he having sympathy in me? I really don't like being pitied for.
"People shouldn't worry about me, you know?" I muttered, as I looked out to where other people were walking by, going on with their normal lives. I suddenly hated them all.
"I'm capable of taking care of myself very well." I spoke more softly, looking down at the sidewalk.
I heard a soft chuckle and I turned to look at him. He was staring out into the other people too, his expression hidden by the flowing locks of his hair.
"Is that how you see it?" He asked in a tone that I couldn't recognize. He turned to me and his eyes full of regret, staring deep into mine.
My heart quickened, and I turned my back to him. "Why do you do that?" I asked, trying to keep my voice as stable as possible.
"Do what?" he asked, confused.
"That. You're always doing that, making me feel horrible about myself." I said, fidgeting with a lock of my hair. "…even more than what I already feel." I added softly, saying it more to myself than to him.
"Rima-chan!" he said, his voice clearly surprised. "The last thing that I want to do is to hurt you, but-"
"But what?" I asked coldly. "It's because of me, huh? It's because the way that I'm acting right?"
He stayed quiet, and I shut my eyes, trying to keep myself from having all the emotions bottled up inside my heart, spill over. Is it possible for a heart to hold so many emotions, so many feelings, and not break? Or maybe it's already broken; maybe it has been broken for a while. Is that why I can't control my tears anymore?
"Everyone's making me feel like it's my fault, when it's not…" I whispered softly, noticing the sunset gleam against the pink sky.
"…fault about what?" I heard Nagihiko ask softly, and I turned around to look at him, his expression troubled.
I shook my head. I wasn't about to tell him, not now, maybe not never. "It's nothing." I said, forcing myself to smile reluctantly.
"You're frightened about something." He stated out loud after a moment, and I felt the presence of fear start to take over my body. Did he actually notice? He can't, I thought, this is bad.
"What makes you say that?" I asked, looking down to hide my expression from him, trying to keep my voice from wavering.
"It's very noticeable in the way you act, in your eyes," he said softly after a moment of silence.
Crap! I guess I'm not that good of an actor then. I felt my face getting hot, and I hoped very much that I didn't start crying right here, in this public place.
"Rima-chan," I heard him say, and it wasn't what he said, but the way he said it, with such concern and worry that I turned to look at him, annoyance rising up in me.
"I already told you, I don't want anyone to worry about me!" I reminded him, glaring up at his eyes.
"I know, but-"
"No." I stated simply, "I thought I made it clear, we're not friends, and I hate people who pretend to be what they're not…I just want to be alone"
His eyes were full of hurt before suddenly being replaced with irritation, which caught me off guard.
"Fine, if that's what you really want." He turned and started walking ahead. I stared at him until I lost him with the wave of other people going about with their daily lives. Now I really am alone, this is good right? I started walking then, hugging myself with my arms, trying to keep off that undesirable feeling of fear off my back, trying to break me.
But I still feel sad though, I thought to myself as I walked through people. I guess I just have to get used to it.
The familiar pain that once attacked my head violently was suddenly slowly creeping in, and I put one hand up to my head, starting to walk faster. I have to get used to being by myself.
The pain started coming in stronger now, and I stopped, bringing both hands to my head now. I can learn how to stand through my problems by myself.
The pain was now excruciating, almost to the point where I wanted to collapse and cry, so I quickly went to a small, deserted place between two buildings, and knelt down, clutching my head tightly between my hands. I'm alone now…in the torturous darkness.
I took slow breaths, trying to keep pained cries escaping from my lips, when I suddenly felt a pair of arms embrace me, their warmth reassuring me.
"Rima-chan," I heard him say softly. I opened my eyes and found myself staring into his worried, auburn eyes. I didn't push him away, and it was then that I realized that I don't want to be alone at all. I thought that I had to; I thought that this was my own battle, but I don't want to fight at it alone.
"My head…it hurts again!" I cried against his body, as I felt the pain torture my head mercilessly.
I felt him start to rub my back gently, which felt comforting. In his embrace, I was surprised to find out that I actually felt safe, free from reality, free from the darkness of my dream world. I felt my cheeks become flushed, and I closed my eyes and concentrated on taking deep breaths to control the pain.
"Don't worry, I'm here." was the last thing I heard him murmur to me softly.
Here you go! :D This chapter was originally supposed to be longer but, I wanted to have it up as soon as possible and the next few days I'm probably going to be busy studying for tests to have time to update. But if I find time this weekend, I'll update! :) If not, you can expect an update in a week or two ^^ Thank you all for your reviews again! :D and have a happy halloween! x3