Disclaimer: Bioware and EA own Dragon Age. I own a cool new miniature tree. I forget what it's called...it's Japanese, but not a Bonzai tree...help me out here, Nat!
A/N: At the end.
Take me into your arms I need to rest
Rest my head against your chest
Stop me from drifting
It feels like I'm fading away, away
~Unforgiving Hours – Drain S.T.H.~
Leliana bit her lower lip. Her head and her heart were at odds, battling over what she wanted to believe, and the cold, harsh reality of what was. A myriad of emotions coursed through her. The betrayal she'd suffered at her bard master's hands was at the top of the list. She also felt shame at not having warned Solona about her past, which left her completely unprepared for the mercenary attack they'd endured once they'd escaped the Spoiled Princess. By all accounts Solona didn't appear to be upset with her, but that was hardly surprising considering she was never upset about anything. Leliana knew she owed her friend an explanation for the attack, and she knew she would have to confess the sins she'd committed in her prior life. The bard sighed and got to her feet. She crossed the camp and headed toward Solona's tent, suddenly eager to confess and have it over and done with. If the Tranquil woman asked Leliana to leave upon learning the truth, she would not hold it against her. As she approached the Warden's tent, she noticed a soft glow emanating from inside. Although it was dangerous to use lanterns inside the tents, the travellers often had little choice when they sought the solitude of their tiny canvas lodgings.
"Solona?" Leliana called out softly. "Are you awake in there?" When she heard no reply, she lifted back one of the flaps and found the tent empty. "Strange…" Leliana muttered idly. She was about to turn tail and leave when curiosity got the better of her. Perhaps it was all of her years as a bard that fed her desire to snoop. Or perhaps she simply wished to get a better understanding of their leader. A leader who reminded Leliana of sensations she'd long since abandoned. Whatever the reason, she crawled into Solona's tent, examining the sparse décor. At first glance, Leliana was immediately aware of the fact that Solona was compulsively organized. All of her possessions were stored in neat little sacks and boxes. There was but one anomaly in the entire tent, and it was poking out from underneath Solona's pillow. Leliana reached out and plucked the book from its hiding spot. It was bound in doeskin, and held intricate designs on the front cover. She flipped the cover open and was astonished to discover that the book was in fact a journal. She'd had no idea that the Warden would have any desire to keep track of her adventures, yet here was the evidence, plain as day. The bard frowned, however, when she discovered that there were only three entries. She read the first.
I am unsure as to how one is meant to begin a journal entry. The apprentices seem to believe that "Dear Journal" is appropriate. I, on the other hand, find speaking to an inanimate object completely ludicrous. Instead, I will simply begin.
The First Enchanter insisted I keep this journal, detailing my new life as a Tranquil. I see little point, but I will humour him just the same. It has been one week since I underwent my Rite, and I do believe that I am adjusting to the change with relative ease.
I occasionally watch the apprentices. Some laugh at me. I no longer mind.
Once upon a time, I studied as they did. I learned under the tutelage of an enchanter and attempted to master the art of bending magic to my will, and I did well enough, too well according to some. I saw the way the enchanter looked at me, the sidelong glances of worry and fear. While other apprentices were conjuring fire to light the fireplaces, I was conjuring the deadliest of fireballs, and they were larger than those of my tutor. I remember taking great pride in this, while the more senior mages observed in blatant disapproval.
I was fascinated by magic. When I was a girl, my grandmother regaled me with tales of the enigmatic Flemeth, the Witch of the Wilds. She told me of demons, and how they were drawn to the dreams of those who possessed magic like moths to a flame. She told me all these things because, she said, the talent ran in our family's blood, and that I might need to learn to harness my will in order to defeat these demons of the Fade.
And so it ran in mine. All my young life I had dreamt of it, wishing on every star that I was gifted. Deep in my heart, I knew that I was. When the templars came to our home, I knew.
I remember thinking that the mages' tower was horrible, full of silly rules and Chantry zealots. The templars glared at me as if I could spring full into an abomination before their very eyes.
Then my Harrowing came at last, my final test. Face a demon, they said, or submit to the Rite of Tranquility. They would sever my connection to the Fade, and thus I would never dream and no demon could ever touch me-but I would also be unable to do magic, and I would never feel an emotion ever again. A life without love, lust, anger and hope? The idea sickened me, so my choice was easy. Unfortunately, even though my Harrowing was a success, the Knight-Commander saw fit to make me Tranquil anyway.
It was not so painful. At least, not physically.
S.
Leliana was saddened at how quickly and easily the Circle had snuffed out the passion of a young woman who was obviously so very talented. All because they feared what she might become, not what she actually was. Leliana always had the deepest of respect for mages, and found Solona's description of her treatment in the Tower quite disturbing. That the Chantry could be so bigoted…She shook her head, moving to the next entry. This entry had been written since Solona had become a Grey Warden. She didn't know why she was so certain of this, but she knew it to be true. As she read the first lines, her eyes widened considerably.
I believe I can see the future because I repeat the same routine. I think I used to have a purpose, but then again that might have been a dream. I think I used to have a voice, now I never make a sound. I just do what I've been told because I don't want them to come around. Every day is exactly the same, there is no love here and there is no pain. I can feel their eyes are watching in case I lose myself again. Sometimes I think I'm happy here…sometimes, yet I still pretend. I can't remember how this got started, but I can tell you exactly how it will end. I'm writing on a little piece of paper, I'm hoping someday you might find. I'll hide it behind something they won't look behind. I'm still inside here and a little bit comes bleeding through. I wish this could have been any other way but I just don't know…I don't know what else I can do.
E&S.
Leliana's heart wept as the words played over through her head. There was pain and indifference in the entry, entwined in a dance that would surely drive a lesser person insane. Based on the signature, Leliana could only infer that the entry had been written at a time when both Eziel and Solona were conscious. Was such a thing possible? Could they both come forward at the same time? The result, if this journal entry was anything to go by, was a creature of extreme duplicitous nature. She feared that if Solona were to remain in such a state for any extended period of time, she would surely tear herself apart from the inside out. She flipped the page to the third and final entry. The ink was still damp and had smeared on the opposite page.
I can smell the death on your flesh- creeping in.
Trapped within the twisting fingers of fear and all I see is you. That face, those eyes…burning like leprosy. I can see you there, poisoning the air and I want to attack…to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory. ... and hate guides our way. I long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war.
The giving sleep of depression and the sweet elucidation of savage, meaningless aggression.
I am not alone in this.
- Guard the houses ... You will eat my pain again
- Triple the watch
- Maidens, dig up your sorcery
- Sirens, sharpen your rocks.
Whatever you need, unite in me.
E.
A shudder ran down Leliana's spine. The insane ramblings of Eziel were unsettling, to say the least. She supposed that she oughtn't be surprised, considering her conduct during their attempt to save Connor and Bann Teagan. But holy Maker…anyone capable of writing this was surely fit to be locked in the darkest dungeon.
Despite the disgust that Leliana felt in reading Eziel's passage, she couldn't help but feel something else…something entirely inappropriate. Something long hidden, deep within the dark recesses of her soul, tucked away in an oubliette…
"You really shouldn't read someone else's private thoughts."
Leliana squeaked and shoved the journal to its original hiding spot underneath the pillow. She spun around and came face to face with Solona. The bard's mouth opened and shut several times. She was unable to come up with anything that would explain away her precarious position. Instead, she opted for an apology. "I am truly sorry, Solona. I have no excuse for reading your journal. My curiosity got the better of me…" Her gaze dropped to the ground, unable to look Solona in the eye. She heard the tell-tale sound of Solona crouching down in front of her. The Tranquil woman lifted Leliana's chin with her index finger, meeting her gaze head on.
"Were you frightened by what you read?" Solona asked.
Leliana gazed into the obsidian depths of her friend's eyes. She sensed as well as saw the dark desire that swam in those orbs. Leliana licked her lips before replying. "I was frightened at first…but then…"
"Then?"
"I'm not sure what I felt…it wasn't right, that's all I know. It was…primal. Something I haven't experienced since…" Leliana's voice wavered.
Solona leaned forward, her lips brushing against Leliana's ear. "There is nothing wrong with succumbing to your baser desires, my lovely songbird. In fact, I've been known to encourage such behaviour…"
Leliana's eyelids fluttered. "You aren't Solona, are you?"
"No," she whispered. "Come outside by the fire. I will re-braid your hair and help you to relax. You must be very upset after that encounter with those horrid mercenaries."
"That would be…that sounds wonderful…thank you, Eziel."
"Think nothing of it," Eziel murmured. She took Leliana by the hand and led her out by the fire. Leliana saw a brush and several leather hair thongs resting on top of a wool blanket. The pair sat on the blanket with the bard sitting between Eziel's legs. She sighed with contentment as she felt the long comforting strokes of the brush running through her hair.
"Will you tell me now of your adventures as a bard?" Eziel asked softly.
Leliana's shoulders stiffened. "I never told you about that. How did you know?"
Eziel chuckled. "I know many things, sweeting. I know of Marjolaine. I know of her betrayal. I know that underneath it all, you long to see her dead, or in your bed once again."
Eziel's words cut Leliana to the core. Though as much as the statement hurt, she knew it to be the truth. "I loved Marjolaine very much, but I do not think I could ever forgive her for the injustice she caused me. I almost hate her for it."
Eziel continued to run the brush through Leliana's hair. "What is that tired adage? There is a thin line between love and hate? I suppose it applies in this case." She set the brush aside and began to massage Leliana's scalp with her fingertips. The bard let out a soft sigh.
"I don't know if I should ignore this attempt on my life…or confront her," she could hear her voice becoming thick and languid from Eziel's ministrations. She was suddenly deeply relaxed, a state which she would have thought impossible to be in an hour ago.
"You cannot let her actions go unpunished. Marjolaine must know where you stand," Eziel carefully braided Leliana's hair, making sure not to tug too tightly. "Would it make you feel better to recite the Chant? Perhaps it will lend you strength."
"You would…chant…with me?" Leliana asked bewilderedly.
Eziel smiled. "Of course, sweeting. I would do anything for you. Now, where shall we start? Oh…I know. Maker, my enemies are abundant/Many are those who rise up against me/But my faith sustains me; I shall not fear the legion/Should they set themselves against me."
Leliana continued the Chant, her voice soft and lilting. "Though all before me is shadow/Yet shall the Maker be my guide/I shall not be left to wander the drifting roads of the Beyond…"
~*O*~*O*~
Alistair was unsure of just how he should approach Solona. He felt angry with her, though he wasn't sure if he was justified in his ire, considering the fact that Greagoir could very well have been lying when he proclaimed his innocence. Besides, even if he hadn't abused Solona sexually, there was still the physical torture that she had endured, and that alone would have been enough to have any other man strung up.
He followed Morrigan, who'd shifted to her bear form to ward off any unwelcome animals and thus facilitate their travel. While some were put off by Morrigan's shapeshifting abilities, Alistair actually preferred it when she turned into an animal. It meant she wouldn't be able to talk to him. As they approached the camp, the witch morphed into her human form and wandered over to her tent. Alistair, on the other hand, was rooted in place. He couldn't believe what he was seeing.
There, by the fire, was Leliana, sitting between Solona's legs. Solona was playing with Leliana's hair while pressing kisses along her jaw. They both seemed absorbed with one another, and when Alistair finally managed to regain his ability to walk, he could have sworn that he heard Leliana whispering verses from the Chant of Light. When Solona dipped her head lower to nip at Leliana's neck, Alistair couldn't stand to watch any longer.
"So sorry to interrupt you ladies, but I was wondering if Solona could spare a few moments of her time?" his arms were folded across his chest and his lips were turned down into a frown.
Leliana still seemed somewhat dazed, while Solona rolled her eyes at him. She murmured a single word to Leliana while making a sweeping gesture with her right hand. "Sleep." Leliana's eyes immediately fell shut and her chin dropped to her chest. Solona gingerly lowered her down onto her back, taking great pains to make sure the Chantry sister was sleeping comfortably. She finally got to her feet and sauntered over to Alistair. "What is it?"
Alistair blinked several times. "Did you just cast a spell on Leliana?"
"Yes, what of it?"
His arms dropped to his sides. "Eziel."
Eziel grinned broadly. "In the flesh. Now, tell me what you wanted. You were interrupting an intimate moment."
"There are several problems with this whole scenario. The first being, what were you doing kissing Leliana? Since when have the two of you been intimate? Secondly, when did you learn to cast spells?"
"My my, do I detect a note of jealousy? Your darling Solona may only have eyes for you, but my tastes are far broader than that. I happen to enjoy both you and Leliana, for entirely different reasons of course," her dark eyes glinted mischievously. "As for your other query, I've always been able to cast spells. Remember when I pegged that Revenant with a flaming bolt? Magic, of course."
Alistair was flabbergasted. "Why haven't you said anything before? We could have used that information, you know. You could have shown us just how easily you can wield magic."
Eziel smirked. "That's much too vulgar a display of power."
"Look, I really need to talk to Solona, can you please get her out here?"
Eziel tilted her head to one side. "Why?"
"Because…because I just came back from the Tower, and I spoke with the Knight-Commander," he replied.
"And?"
Alistair sighed. "And according to him, he and Solona were never intimate."
"And you believe him?" Eziel raised an eyebrow.
He sighed, running his hand through his hair. "I'm not sure what to believe at this point. I just wanted to…clarify things with her."
"I don't think that's a good idea. We both know she's incapable of lying. That leaves two options: she actually was carrying on with the Knight-Commander, or she believes with every fibre of her being that she did. Either way, if you question her on this, it could prove disastrous. She's come very far since she underwent the Rite. Don't do anything to jeopardize that progress," Eziel placed her hands on her ample hips and fixed Alistair with a hard stare.
"I…I guess you're right. Maybe I just need to get some sleep."
Eziel nodded. "Good idea. I'll take first watch. Sten's offered to take second, Leliana third. You'll be able to get a full night's rest tonight. You should feel nice and refreshed by morning."
"You're taking first watch?" Alistair asked incredulously.
"Well, Solona is. Either way, this body is the first one on guard," she said while indicating her figure.
Alistair flushed and headed for his tent. "Alright then. I'll see you…when I see you. Good night."
Eziel lips curved into a wicked smile as she watched his retreating form. "Good night, sweet prince."
~*O*~*O*~
"Oh help! Somebody please! Maker, there's been an ambush!"
Solona halted and took in the woman's dishevelled appearance. She did appear to have been in a fight, but her tone…it was quite obvious that she was lying. Solona weighed her options: call the woman out on her lies, or see what she had planned. Logic dictated that they were about to walk into a trap, yet some unknown force tugged at Solona, urging her to follow the woman. "Where is this ambush?"
"This way!" the woman cried. Solona and her group followed the woman. They had set out at dawn just as Solona had ordered, and were approximately a mile away from the outskirts of Redcliffe. That was when they were interrupted by the terrible actress posing as a damsel in distress. As they rounded the bend, Solona saw the woman stride up to an elven man in fine leather armour. She nodded to him, and took on a battle stance behind him. The elf motioned with his hand and suddenly several heavily armed men and women appeared from various hiding spots. Solona heard a loud cracking sound. She whipped around and saw a tree that was about to crush her and her entire party. They dodged it in the nick of time. The elf unsheathed his daggers. "The Grey Warden dies here!"
The ensuing battle was gruelling, to say the least. Solona discharged nearly all of her arrows. Morrigan's mana had been depleted to the point of empty, and Alistair's shield was practically broken in two. The rest of the group didn't fare much better. Luckily, they bested the team of hooligans, and tied up the elf, who was obviously their leader. Solona stood over him and nudged him with her boot. He stirred and woke, his eyes bleary from what was probably a mild concussion.
"Mmmm…what? I rather thought I would wake up dead…or not at all, whatever the case may be. But I see you haven't killed me yet."
"We thought we might torture you first," Alistair snarled.
"Ohhh, so you kept me around to have a bit of fun, did you?" The elf's gaze remained focused on Solona, who, for her part, continued to stare at him impassively. "But the purpose behind torture is usually to interrogate, yes? In that case, despite the potential for fun... perhaps I'll save you a bit of time and get right to the point. My name is Zevran. Zev to my friends. I am a member of the Antivan Crows, brought here for the sole purpose of slaying any surviving Grey Wardens…Which I have failed at, sadly."
"Who hired you to kill us?" Solona asked.
"A rather taciturn fellow in the capital…I believe his name was Loghain," Zevran replied.
"I see."
"If you wish, and you're done interrogating me, I have a proposition for you," the elf smiled.
Solona inclined her head, signalling for him to continue.
"Well, here's the thing," Zevran began. "I failed to kill you, so my life is forfeit. That's how it works. If you don't kill me, the Crows will. The thing is I like living. And you obviously are the sort to give the Crows pause. So let me serve you instead."
Alistair let out a bark of laughter. "You must think she's royally stupid."
"I think she's royally tough to kill, and utterly gorgeous," the elf smiled lasciviously at Solona. Solona gave no indication of any sort of reaction, which threw the elf for a loop. "Not that I think you'll respond to simple flattery," he quickly added.
"I don't respond to any sort of flattery," Solona responded stoically.
Zevran chuckled. "I never back down from a challenge."
Solona regarded the elf with her cool gaze. "What skills do you possess?"
"I am adept with poisons, I can pick locks, and should the Crows decide to try and finish the job, I can keep an eye out. I know how they work, you see. Or, I could just stand around and look pretty, fend off unwanted suitors, warm your bed?" he waggled his eyebrows.
"My bed is warm enough as it is. It does not require another's presence to add to its warmth. Otherwise, it would be stifling."
Zevran was out of his element. His charms weren't working in the least. "I'll even shine armour! You won't find a better deal anywhere, I swear."
"Very well, you may join us," Solona announced.
"What? We're bringing the assassin with us now? Do you really think that's a good idea?" Alistair cried.
"We may find him useful. Besides, if he tries anything, I will slit his throat."
Alistair's shoulders sagged in resignation. "Alright, alright I see your point. Still, if there was ever a sign we were desperate I think it just knocked on the door and said 'hello'."
Solona untied the assassin's ropes and helped him to his feet.
"I hereby pledge my oath of loyalty to you, until such a time as you choose to release me from it. I am your man, without reservation; this I swear." Zevran bowed and smiled at Solona.
Alistair scowled.
~*O*~*O*~
When they arrived at Castle Redcliffe, the First Enchanter had already arrived along with several mages. Bann Teagan and Isolde stood off to one side, both sporting worried expressions.
"The mages are ready and we have plenty of lyrium," the First Enchanter announced. "Now, who will be going into the Fade?"
"I will," Solona replied.
Irving frowned. "But child, you cannot enter the Fade. You are one of the Tranquil."
"I realize that, First Enchanter. However, after participating in the Joining, something changed. I am now able to enter the Fade. I can also wield magic while I am there as well."
"I see," Irving said with some degree of uncertainty. "I shan't argue with you. We will begin the ritual immediately."
Solona nodded, and the mages circled around her. She closed her eyes. When she opened them, she was once again in the Fade.
She shook violently at the familiar sensation of emotions assaulting her, only this time she didn't feel as though her head was about to explode. Tears ran down her cheeks and her stomach clenched. The feeling passed much faster this time around. When she felt well enough, she tested out her abilities by summoning a spell wisp. The magic came to her easily. Satisfied that she was prepared to face the demon that held Connor captive, Solona began to explore the area. Everywhere she looked she saw the Arl's son. His form was always made up of mist, but the end result was still uncanny. She happened upon Arl Eamon at one point, who was completely belligerent for the most part. She knew she didn't have time to convince him of his situation, so she continued on in her quest to find the demon. Eventually, she found Connor, this time made up of what seemed to be flesh and bone. They exchanged words, but apparently Solona pissed him off and he transformed into a desire demon. Solona bested the demon easily and passed through a nearby portal to enter another section of the Fade. She was again forced to deal with the demon disguised as Connor, and fought the creature when she refused to give in to its ridiculous paranoia. This happened twice more, until finally the demon saw fit to speak with her without the disguise.
"Very well, no more illusions," the demon purred. "I face you in my true form. I am at my strongest here, yet I have no desire to do battle with you. Perhaps we could…converse instead?"
Solona folded her arms over her chest. "Alright, talk."
"You wish me to leave the boy, do you not? So that you can have the father? I propose a deal. I leave the boy for a time, and will return much later to uphold the contract he made with me. This would be long after you have achieved your goals."
Solona snorted derisively. "You'd have to give me something pretty extraordinary to convince me of letting that happen."
The demon smiled seductively. "I can offer many things…knowledge…power…lust…"
"All of which I could attain by myself. I'm afraid I'm not convinced, so if you're quite finished-"
"There is something else I can offer you…" the desire demon leaned in and whispered into Solona's ear. Solona's eyes widened.
"Very well, demon. You have yourself a deal."
The demon ran her hands over Solona, her tongue darted out of her mouth and grazed the length of Solona's cheek. "I wish you well, dear mortal."
~*O*~*O*~
"I think she's coming to," Alistair murmured. He watched as Solona's eyelids fluttered open. She blinked several times to familiarize herself with her surroundings. Alistair had insisted that they place her in the most comfortable guest room available, and Teagan was only too happy to comply. The woman had saved his nephew, after all. Alistair squeezed Solona's hand gently. The First Enchanter was present. He wanted to ensure that she suffered no ill effects from her journey into the Fade.
"How do you feel, child?" Irving implored.
Solona glanced in his direction. "I am well, First Enchanter."
"Good. I see that your quest was a success. Connor is free of the demon's hold, and the undead that once stalked the city are gone," Irving informed her. "I will be departing immediately for the Tower. They need me there, and Wynne is here to see to your recovery."
"Very well," Solona replied evenly. Irving smiled at her before leaving Alistair and Solona alone in the room.
Alistair cleared his throat. "Well, I'm glad you're alright, I was starting to worry-"
Solona threw back her coverlets and let out an exasperated sigh. "Andraste's ass, I thought he was never going to leave!"
"Wh-what?" Alistair goggled. "Eziel, is that you?"
"No, of course not, silly," Solona smiled indulgently. "Looks like that trip to the Fade didn't just benefit Connor."
"What are you talking about?"
She hopped off the bed and stretched out her limbs. "That stupid desire demon. She actually managed to do something useful."
Alistair eyed her warily. "What did she do?"
"What do you think?" Solona beamed. "She reversed the Rite." With a flick of her wrist, Solona froze an entire bookshelf, encasing the wood in a layer of ice. She turned to Alistair and grinned devilishly. "It's good to be back."
A/N: The first journal entry is based on the "Journal of the Tranquil" in the DA codex, with some slight tweaking. The second entry is Every Day is Exactly the Same by Nine Inch Nails. The third entry is Thots by Otep.