(Tavros' POV)
Blanketed in soft folds, here away from anyone else, I had a land of my own to sleep in, to rest in. To fade away from all worries, issues, to give my weak, aching mind a break.
But here, in the ever promised warmth of my own mind, an image of him lingers. Even here, he never flees my mind. I can't do it. I want solitude. I was promised solitude. But he probes into the darkest corners of my mind, so that I have his image permanently burned into my psyche.
Gamzee.
Why is it that his face won't leave me?
I thought he hated me?
If so... then...why is he...
I come to, in the dark hallway I had fallen into my intoxicated sleep in, not but an hour ago, to find a strange sensation running through my muscles. Through...
Gamzee?!
He was... crying. Holding the neck of my shirt, his fingers shaking and quivering as he worked his dry lips over mine.
I didn't act stunned. I didn't move.
But at the same time I felt myself being overwhelmed by a sort of strange feeling I was receiving. The only thing I did recognize, which was so prominent in his kiss, was the deep emotion of agony.
He broke away from me, and tapped his head to my chest, shivering.
Whispering a single phrase over and over again.
Becoming more audible after a moment or two, I realize that he is saying, "I'm sorry."
But this I do not understand.
Sorry? For what? I don't comprehend...
However, the feelings in my stomach, racing, tell me otherwise. Lying to myself is easier, though, and I know it.
"Gam...zee...?"
He pushes himself up so that his tear-stained face is hovering over mine, arms shaking horribly.
"Tav-vros... Oh my g-god, I'm s-so sor-ry. I-I don't even k-know why I di-did that t-to you..."
So... he instantly assumed that I was going to hate him for that, even though he obviously had feelings even he couldn't quite accept, let alone understand?
But, Gamzee... in only a few days, became the most precious thing in my life. I, not even knowing what exactly he did or said to influence me so, but...
All I knew is that I had never felt repulsed, or sickened by him in any way, and that... well, even my thoughts on him had to go unconfirmed for the moment, seeing as they were to complicated for the regular me to work through.
But, Gamzee. He needed some reassuring. That he wasn't at fault, and most of all, he simply hadn't done anything wrong.
It wasn't his fault!
I smile sleepily, and hook my arms around his waist to pull him back down on me.
"T-a-a-avros, wh-wha? Umm, I'm so sorry, please, I-I just-!"
"Gamzee... shhh, it's okay... You're fine. Please, just, don't leave. Don't leave me ever again."
I felt resentment and sorrow stirring up again.
"Ever..."
And large tears start spilling down my cheeks, and I begin sobbing softly, flinching as his warm arms shakily wrap around my own.
Soon his quavering breaths warm my neck, dry my tears, and his mouth finds its way to mine again, both of our lost souls seeking comfort in no other way but hurried love and faltering loyalty. But, each of us, knowing nothing else, accept this, as I accept his tongue, sliding over mine, and more tears come cascading down as Gamzee's guilt deepens for taking advantage of me, I'm sure.
I pull away, mewling softly, and take his white cheeks in my hands softly.
Our next words are whispered.
"Gamzee... Are you-"
"Tavros, please motherfuckin' forgive me! I-I didn't mean ta'- I mean, I just, well a lot of-"
I silence him with another breathy kiss, and finally stopping the barrage of kisses, he begins to giggle slowly.
And then I start as well, hugging him onto the cold floor beneath us.
But, again, our happiness is cut short by fate. Another person's footsteps sounding extremely close.
Gamzee freezes, and I hear him hurriedly whispering a list of names.
"Aradia, Captor, K-Karkat, no, no, no, not the Vantas please... Not any of them..."
I fall silent and press myself to his chest, trying to protect myself against whomever it might be.
But after a moment, the steps die down, presumably down another hallway, and I feel Gamzee tense, then rise, pulling me up from around the waist.
"Come on, Tav. We have to get back to the room. Now."
We set off at a nice pace, jogging, and Gamzee slunk around, pulling me by the wrist with a quietness I would not have expected from him.
After a moment, I noticed we had passed the stairwell.
"G-gamz? Where are we going?"
I heard him laugh from ahead.
"Hehe. Now you're callin' me that, too? Nice."
I blushed.
"Erm... Yeah. But..."
"We're goin' back to my room, man. Can't have you motherfuckin' alone tonight."
"A-Alone?"
He seemed to be implying that the both of us sleep together in the small bed, after an encounter like this, even after about half a week of solitude in our own separate spaces. Different floors.
Sounded... like... something was different about Gamzee.
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We reached the room about two or three minutes later, and by then, I was extremely tired.
Ready for a bed, that is, one way or another.
But, under these peculiar circumstances, things would certainly be much more fun.
"Gamzee... I'm r-really tired... Um..."
He looked away, blushing madly.
"I'm sure that sleep can soon be arranged."
Then he turned.
"Dirky isn't back yet, so you can just make do with my bed for now if you want."
Then he pointed to the mess of blankets and a few pillows.
"Welcome, my lady, to the land of beauty."
I giggled.
Here it was again... His ability to invoke such happiness in me like no other had with the simplest of words, dumbest of jokes.
Maybe it was him, himself?
Nevertheless, I crawled into the comforter Gamzee held up for me, and snuggled into the metal. He entered the space after me, fitting his pale arms around my body and almost instantly I realized what the situation was.
Two barely-sixteen kids, alone on a bed, just having extremely recently confirming their mutual attractions, still both very ready for anything that might come.
My eyelids lowered, as did Gamzee's, as he took a position above me. I heard shallow breathing above, and I flinched, looking up, my arms cradled to my chest.
His expression is one of awe and, yet he seems extremely hesitant to touch me in any way. I think, that he might still have been wary about me in general, not to mention he had only just apologized in his own way, so to start something like this, he might have been thinking, was out of the question.
And, truthfully, I didn't want him provoking me right now, at least not much more than kissing, if anything at all.
I didn't know if starting this with him in the first place was the right thing to do or not, either, but certainly it had helped Gamzee in one way or another. I knew... that he was special to me. I didn't know if it was because he was my friend, or if... if I really was... in... love.
The word just feels foreign. The problem is that, even if I was in... love with him, I wouldn't know it. And I'm sure Gamzee is no less ignorant that I am about love. Right now, he is just acting on primeval desires, and the need to fulfill his aching heart.
Especially from right here under him, I can feel it.
His dying heart.
So when he leans down, and dominates me again, everything seems wrong, and I know he feels it, too.
My suspicions are confirmed when he tilts to the side, and thumps next to me, his back on the bed, a hand over his forehead.
I hear him mumble something, then-
"I can't do fuckin' nothing. I'm so sorry... Why did I even let that thought run through my head? Why did I even try and make somethin' happen? Why did..."
He breaks off as his voice hitches and I turn, stare at his blocked features, only seeing his mouth, which is curled into a grimace. After a few moments, I notice movement and see a single tear roll down his cheek.
My face softens.
I reach my arms out in front of me, gesturing to Gamzee.
"Gamz... come here..."
My voice is soft, too. Hushed. Reassuring.
He takes the arm off of his forehead, and rolls over to me, where I pull him to my chest, and he stays there, by the clock, about half an hour, sniffling and trying to calm his emotions.
"Gamzee... d'you... want to talk about it?"
I hear another sniffle, then-
"About what, Tavros? You fuckin' know that there's never going to be anything between us, other than maybe friendship born of motherfuckin' pity. Why the hell would you have any feelin's for me? I'm Gamzee Makara, the unlovable. The useless."
He shifts, clenching his body further, and he attempts to muffle a sob.
To be honest, that was the first time since I had been brokenthat someone had startled me like that.
I had known that Gamzee was harboring a lot of hate, a lot of sadness, but I didn't know that any of those feelings were directed towards himself...! Again... someone blaming themselves... It wasn't something he could control, though! Why was he blaming himself?!
I felt my mind haze over with anger, but I managed to pull myself together for Gamzee's sake.
"B-but, none of that... why are you blaming yourself? It-it's not fair..."
He looked up, his face completely streaked over with glossy tears.
"Huh...? Tavros...? I... don't understand... Not my fault? I don't fuckin' g-get it..."
I grimace.
Ah... I see. So he must have been broken in, as well.
In some way or another.
Shrugging off this realization, I try and make an effort to calm him, but upon trying to speak, my throat becomes clogged and I end up crying hysterically right along with Gamzee as we both hold each other close.
Finding myself somewhat more able to speak after a few minutes, I brush some of the tears out of my eyes, and begin to try and speak once more in a quavering voice.
"Gamzee, how could you ever think that you aren't loved, I mean what about-"
And here, at the worst time possible, my breath hitches.
Staring ahead into nothingness, I freeze up, and a million miles away, someone, somewhere, near, far? Someone, someone, says... something?
My name.
My name, a thousand times over and over. Because what is my name, after all?
Tav...
ta...
And then it fades. Who could I be? Anyone I want, really.
No. No, no. Not right now. This is bad. Gamzee needs me. He needs me. Or else... Oh, god, please, just this once, please please do not do this to me right now.
I grin, finding a perfect form I could become. Seize their personality, now that I am no longer... Ta... Tar...? I don't even know anymore.
The darkness inside agrees, too.
Ughhh, please, no, not right now. Go... away! Get out!
Hmm? What's this? Not this one? Why... not? He doesn't want to?
Frowning, I decide to leave for now. But, I know soon I will be back to try again.
Gasping for air, trying to fill my lungs with air, instead of nausea.
Looking sideways, I see Gamzee looking at me with a very scared expression. Speechless, as well as wide eyes confirm this fact further, adding to his morbidly surprised expression.
"Ta..."
I cough violently, and feel his arms around me as I settle a bit.
"Gamz... zee... How could you think that no one loves you...? What... about Terezi? Dirk...? Erid-eridan. John. E-even Mituna talks about you while you're gone, man... A-and... what... about me...?"
His eyes widen at this, his mouth a perfectly straight line.
"Ho-how could we hate you if we h-hung arou-round you so mu-much?"
I smile, but it comes out kind of weak and after I begin coughing again, I'm not sure how convincing I was.
Still... I never lie.
I... really... do...
I might actually...
come to...
Or, no, even now, I might...
L-lo-
But now, after this, Gamzee goes through his first stage of overcoming being broken in.
Rejecting such a concept that goes against his ways of life.
But I never thought that he would...
Bite his flesh like that. Rip it away harshly, his eyes once again, as they were that day, a bright, sunny blue.
Rejecting pain, everyone.
I only hoped as I screamed, so loud, that he wouldn't reject me once again.
And leave me with no one but Kurloz.
There. (pouts) I wrote two chapters for you guys. Fourteen pages. All posted today. Maybe I'll resolve this nicely and add some more GamTav in Chapter Eleven... But this is what happens when you don't review. ANGST, more angst. Well, it might be due to the fact that I replayed [S]: Find the Highbl00d (Search for, kill, or something, I don't remember =_=) Well, anyways, Equius was and still is one of my top three fave characters, and that he had such a silly smile on his face when he died, for Nepeta, just makes me want to burst into tears every time I think about it T ^ T
*sniff* Anyways, I think I might give Gamz and Tavbro (heh heh) a break next chapter. Dunno, depends onhow many reviews I get for these two chapters. (nudges harshly in the side)
On another note, I'm going to be cosplaying Sollux for my next con, which is next Saturday~ Eek, I'm so excited! I love me some Captor action :P Especially Mitunaaa~
Review! :c