The Saga Continues to Continue to Continue to Continue to Continue to

Continue to Continue

((Authoress holds up a large, cardboard sign and is writing on it with a big, black Sharpie. She looks at it a moment, judging her work. Apparently satisfied, she turns it around with a smile to let everyone see it.))

WARNING: Severe violence against children, mixed with Barney and Jurassic Park! (except mine is cooler than Jurassic Park! … Okay, so it's not. But it's not like I can just ask Sam Neil to guest star in this!! … Oh, wait…)

((Authoress smiles and flips the sign over. It reads:))

Sign:
Dustin's Chase – Keisha, the seven year old

Greg's Chase – Billy, the nine year old

Jillian's Chase – Nani, the ten year old.

Alisha's Chase – Pat, the eighteen year old

Authoress: "Ta-da! And here we go!"

((A small, black girl (were there ever any black kids on Barney back in the day? Seriously, anyone know?) runs across the playground. Her name is… Keisha. She's seven years old. Behind her, she hears pounding feet and calm, steady breathing.))

Keisha: (screaming): "GO AWAY!!!" (she risks a glance behind her and sees a rabid-looking red Monkey just lifting off from the ground.)

Dustin: (flapping wings): "If the Almighty Hamster says 'kill!', then kill I must!"

((Keisha screams again and dives into the bushes. Dustin dives in behind her. There's another scream, the leaves rattle and blood sprays out of the bush. Dustin comes out, licking his claws.))

Dustin: "What was my time?"

Greg: (holding a stopwatch): "Ten seconds. You beat your last record by two."

((The other Monkeys cheer, then it's Greg's turn. He hands the stopwatch to Jillian.))

Greg: (looking at screaming children and one legal adult): "Ummm… I pick… Uhhh… I pick… pick… Ooh! That one! I pick that one!!" (he points frantically at a little boy))

((The little nine-year-old named Billy takes off running. He is mentally retarded. He runs with his knees crooked, hands at his chest and whimpering.))

Billy: (in odd, nasally voice): "I don' wanna die!! I don' wanna die!!"

((Greg takes a flying leap at Billy an catches him by the hair.))

Billy: (screaming): "NOOOOOoooo! I don' wanna die!!"

Greg: "Bye-bye, little boy."

((In a bloody show, Greg tears Billy's throat out, smacks him across the face with it, and then snaps his neck.))

Greg: (licking blood off his hands): "Time?"

Jillian: (looking at stopwatch): "Nine seconds!"

Greg: (looking smug): "Hah!"

Jillian: (handing the stopwatch to Alisha): "Okay, my turn. I can do it in… say… seven seconds."

((The Monkeys quickly make their bets against her as she picks her victim.))

Jillian: "I choose…" (looking at children, who are cowering for their lives It's pitiful, really) "… THAT one."

((Jillian points at a ten year old girl named Nani. She's a Hawaiian and a little bit chubby. Think Lilo from 'Lilo and Stitch' She screams and takes off running.))

SIMON SEZ: BOUNCE ON YER HEAD!!!!

((Jillian leaps off Patrick Wilson's head and gives chase.))

Nani: (screaming): "NOOOOOooooo!!!!"

((Jillian spins around and waves at Patrick Wilson, who waves back in confusion. While she's turned around, a tree attacks Jillian.))

Tree: "Moo!"

Jillian: (stuck in branches): "I want a do-over!"

Monkeys: "Nope! No do-overs!"

Alisha: (looking at stopwatch): "Get moving, you're at five seconds."

((Jillian untangles herself from the branches and takes off after Nani, who is running towards the tent Chris and Barney are in.))

Jillian: (stops for a moment to watch): "Should we let her scar herself for life first?"

((As Nani starts to unzip the tent flap, Johnny Depp steps in front of her.))

Johnny Depp: (screaming): "AVERT YOUR EEEEEYES!!!! TIS TOO HIDEOUS TO BEHOLD!!!"

((Nani dashes around him and into the tent, screaming for Barney's help.))

Nani: "Barney! Kill them! Kill them! Kill them!"

((All the noise stops, then we hear a little girl's scream of utter fear and disgusted horror. She comes running out of the tent like a bat out of hell.))

Jillian: (standing a few feet away): "Okay, NOW'S a good time!"

Nani: (screaming): "I'M BLIND!!! The horror! The unimaginable horror!"

((Nani runs past Jillian, who clotheslines her with her claws. A wave of blood coats everything. There is a dull thud and we see Nani's head rolling across the playground in the wind.))

Everyone: (sounding impressed): "Daaaaaaamn…"

Jillian: (licking blood of her claws): Sweet… Time?"

Alisha: "Ten seconds."

Jillian: (peeved as everyone starts laughing at her): "Well, I go for quality…"

Alisha: "That's what all the losers say."

((They laugh again.))

Jillian: "Whatever." (she goes off to pout)

Alisha: (looking at the lineup of two kids and one legal adult): "Hmmm…" (a vein sticks out of her head as she thinks real hard) "I pick… Uhhhhh…" (she sticks her tongue out of her mouth) "Um…"

Everyone: "PICK SOMEONE!!"

((Alisha jumps and looks around spastically. She chooses.))

Alisha: "That one! Ooh! Oooh! I want that one! I pick that one!"

((The oldest one is named Pat. The person is tall, slender, slightly curvy, has a puffy chest, shoulder-length hair and no one is sure if it's a boy or girl.))

Pat: (after realizing what happened): "We could talk this out like adults, you know."

((From Chris and Barney's tent, a ghastly, grotesque moan is heard. Everyone gags and throws up. Only Alisha is unphased.))

Alisha: (menacingly, eyes glowing red): "You better run, she-man…"

Chris: (from inside the tent): "I LOVE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT WITH YOUR TAIL!!!"

Everyone: "Ew, dude."

Pat: "Are you sure you'd rather not talk it out, instead?"

Alisha: (eyes glowing brighter): "I said 'run, she-male'."

((Alisha bares her claw and fangs, flashes her eyes and roars. Pat screeches and takes off running.))

Slow Motion Used

Alisha: "So, are you a girl or boy?" (slow/distorted)

Pat: "Ahhhhhh!!!" (slow/distorted)

((Alisha takes a swing at Pat, catching him/her with the tips of her claws.))

Pat: "Ow! Don't kill me with your claws! I don't know where they've been!" (slow/distorted)

((Bloodsmell makes all the Monkeys start drooling.))

Alisha: (shrugs): "Okay."

((She grabs hold of his/her nipple, twists and he/she screams. Then Alisha bites a nipple of and spits it out. She bites his nose off.))

Alisha: (over screaming): "Mmm! Boogers!"

((She swallows the nose, then takes a bite out of Pat's jugular vein. Blood sprays everywhere.))

Pat: (with dying breath): "We can still talk about it…"

Alisha: (licking blood off her hands): "Hurry up and die. You're messing up my time."

Pat: "Okay." (dies)

Back to Real Time

Alisha: "Time!"

Jillian: Six seconds! You win!"

Alisha: "Fuckin' A."

Greg: "Wait a minute." (sees one last kid) "Who's that one for?"

Ms. Vyse: (still holding a lock in each hand): "I'll take him."

((The kid (we'll call him Bryan) is short and currently has a terrified look on his face.))

Bryan: "Don't hut me!"

Ms. Vyse: "You'd better start running, little bitch-boy." (she turns) "Someone start timing me!"

((A small beep is heard and the chase is on!))

Bryan: (running): "NoOoOoOoOoOoooo!!!!"

((Bryan leaps over a swing, dives under a merry-go-round and trips over the monkey bars.)) (He can, because I say he can)

Ms. Vyse: (winding up with a lock): "SUPER ROBOT MONKEY POO NINJA LOCK GOOOO!!!!"

((She whips the lock at the kid's back. It misses.))

Monkeys: .

Ms. Vyse: (undeterred, winds up again): "SUPER ROBOT MONKEY POO NINJA LOCK GOOOO!!!!"

((She throws another lock and it hits Bryan in the back. Something snaps and he spins around.))

Bryan: (eyes glowing red): "STOP IT!!!"

((Bryan seems to swell with anger. He gets bigger and bigger. His clothing and shoes rip, revealing folds and veins. The Monkeys, guest stars, and Ms. Vyse all stare. Everyone is silent. Until…))

Jillian: (giggling hysterically): "He's a pee-pee!" (she points and laughs some more.)

((Everyone laughs at Bryan the My-Size Penis!))

Greg: "Kick him in the nuts!"

((Ms. Vyse kicks him in the nuts.))

Alisha: "Eeeeeee!!! EEEeeee!! Kill it!! Kill it!"

Ms. Vyse: "SUPER ROBOT MONKEY POO NINJA LOCK GO!!"

((Ms. Vyse throws another lock. This one is opened. The part that you sick in the hole catches Bryan the My Size Penis in the eye and it starts bleeding.))

Bryan: (bends forward): "Super Soaker!"

((He… Um… Pees on another oncoming lock and it rusts.))

Authoress: (with a pen poised over her notebook): "Okay… This is stupid as hell…"

((Ms. Vyse throws another lock and it hits Bryan the My-Size Penis in the head and he dies.))

Greg: (reading stopwatch): "Three seconds!"

Somewhere in Heaven

((A big, chubby fellow in a white robe sitting in a chair, reading The Da Vinci Code looks up when the door to his library creaks open.))

God: (high-pitched falsetto voice): "Hello there, little fellow."

((An itty bitty penis hops through the door.))

God: (smiling): "Well, now, where'd you come from?"

Penis: (high pitched): "Squeak!"

((God pokes the penis and it giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy (who died of a yeast infection)))

God: "Well, aren't you just the most precious thing!"

((Penis squeaks again.))

God: "I shall call you Squishy! And you shall be my Squishy!" (baby talk) "C'mere, Squishy!"

((Squishy hops over to God and jumps into his arms, where he pet it and stokes it until it purrs!))

God: "Aww, you really are precious!"

((His eyes glaze and he looks evil.))

God: (hissing): "My… preciousssss."

((And here, we leave you to ponder about this disturbing scene.))

Alisha: "You fucking said this wouldn't get religious, mother fucker!"

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END OF CHAPTER (Here's where it all gets religious…)