Culpability

Chapter Nine

"Harvey, welcome." Stan said as he motioned towards the couch. "Let me say how thrilled I am you have agreed to come by yourself."

"I'm not sure I'm thrilled. Being here alone is even more nerve-wrecking than being here with Rebecca." He couldn't help but chuckle as he sat down in his usual spot on the couch. Even though Rebecca wasn't there, he couldn't sit in her seat.

"I won't lie to you." Stan replied. "This won't be easy and it won't be fun. But I believe you can do this. You can work through your issues and come out stronger. All I need from you is your commitment to try."

"You have that." He assured Stan. "I want to do this for Rebecca. I need to do this for Rebecca and my family. But I also need to do this for me."

"Wonderful." Stan smiled. "Where shall we start?"

"How do I stop fearing that Rebecca will leave me?"

"To answer that, we need to examine the root of your fear. Only once we figure out where this fear comes from can we figure out how to conquer it." Stan explained.

"How do we figure out the root cause?"

"When was the first time you became fearful of losing someone you love?" Stan asked.

"The first time?" Harvey repeated as he thought about it.

"Yes." Stan nodded. "Was the first person you were afraid to lose Rebecca or did it happen before her?"

He thought about it for a few minutes until the answer came to him. "My father. It first happened with my father."

"Ok." Stan wrote that down in his notebook. "What was the circumstance surrounding that fear?"

"My mother…she…I caught her cheating on my dad when I was kid. She practically begged me not to tell him because it would only hurt him. And I stupidly agreed. I kept it from him for years until I caught my mom cheating on him again. Then I told my father about the cheating and that was the first time I feared losing someone I love."

"Why did you fear you would lose your father?" Stan asked. "All you were doing was telling him the truth."

"I guess in the back of my mind I thought either he wouldn't believe me about it or he would blame me for not telling him sooner. I thought he would hate me and kick me out of his life." He explained.

"And did that happen?"

"No." He shook his head. "I don't think he was ever happy I told him. But our relationship was fine afterwards."

"What about your relationship with your mother?"

"I only spoke to her once in almost twenty years, and that was at my father's funeral." He explained.

"Did you fear losing your mother?" Stan asked.

"No." He replied softly. "In fact, at the time I was so angry with her that I pushed her away."

"I see." Stan wrote in his notebook again.

"What do you mean, you see?"

"Your issues stem from the incident with your mother. Is it also safe to assume that you have issues with trust and commitment?"

"Yes." He reluctantly agreed. "I did, but not anymore. I'm married and we are starting a family together. To me, there's no bigger commitment than that."

"No, I'll give you that." Stan told him. "But you don't trust Rebecca."

"That's not true." He argued.

"From what I can tell, you haven't trusted that she will stay with you. Instead you have believed that she will leave you, despite her assurances otherwise."

"I'm getting better about that. I just…" He trailed off, not knowing what else to say.

"I think we need to explore this incident with your mother more."

"I've already forgiven her for everything." He objected. "I don't think we need to talk about it."

"With all due respect, I think the incident has caused a ripple effect in your life and how you deal with those around you that you care about. Please humor me. Let's discuss what happened."

"Ok." He sighed. Stan was the professional so he would go along with it for now.

"Do you have a moment?" Harvey asked his mom later that night. He was standing in the doorway of her bedroom. Since the door was open, he had knocked on the door frame.

"Of course." Lily smiled at him. She put the book down she was reading and motioned for him to come sit down on the couch next to her. "What's going on?"

"I was hoping we could talk." He told her as he sat down.

"Sure. What's on your mind?"

"I'm worried about you." He told her.

She sighed. "You've been talking to Rebecca."

"I have." He nodded. "But I was also worried about you before that. Talking to her just increased my level of worry."

"I'm fine."

"Yeah, I'm not buying it." He chuckled. "Look, I know I've made things difficult around here. I've been incredibly selfish with everyone in this family and I'm sorry about that. But I'm trying to make things better. Your health and the seriousness of this situation hasn't escaped my mind though. I've been worried about you this whole time. But I should have been checking in with you more and I'm sorry about that."

"It's alright." She assured him.

"No, it really isn't." He objected. "If you aren't talking to Rebecca about what you're going through and you aren't talking to me…then who are you talking to?"

"I don't need to talk to anyone about it."

"That's bullshit. If the past couple of months and now therapy have taught me anything it's that we all need to talk about things."

"Look, I haven't wanted to add more issues or problems to anyone's plates right now. You both have enough to deal with." Lily explained.

"Mom, I love you. But stop playing the martyr."

She chuckled. "Excuse me?"

"You're martyring yourself." He explained. "And while it is rather sweet in a way for you to not want to bother us, that's what we are here for. That's what family does. We bother each other so that we can get through things. But you're off on your own dealing with this and that's not fair. I haven't been fair to you."

"You've been dealing with…"

"A lot of the same stuff you've been dealing with. Marcus was my brother but you were his mother. And God knows I haven't been a good son to you in decades. I need to fix that."

"Harvey…"

"I want you to promise me something." He interrupted her. "I want you to promise me that anything you need to talk, you will find me. I don't care if it is about Marcus, the treatment, how much you dislike Mondays…it can be about anything. I know I don't have a good track record, but I want to be there for you now. So please let me."

"Ok." She nodded. "I promise."