Bella

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Bella, you can do this.

I was so absorbed with myself, I didn't hear Jasper calling me.

"Bella?" hands on my shoulders, "Sunshine…" That gorgeous, velvety drawl rang through my ears, which were blushing so bad it felt like they were on fire, and made me come back to the present. His melted honey eyes gazed into mine, concerned and amused, "Calm down, darlin'."

"J-Jasper, I can't do this. I haven't seen them in two years. I just…I…" His fingers tightened around my shoulders, "Bella, it'll be fine. I'm right here with you."

"But what if they don't like you? What if they burn dinner? Oh. My. God. What if Charlie shoots you?" I cried, throwing my arms around his neck.

He chuckled and detangled himself from my strangling grip, "He won't, Sunshine. And I'm sure if he did, it wouldn't do any damage." He quickly zipped up his duffel bag then placed it by the couch. I sat on the sofa cushions, slightly bouncing with nerves and clutching Alford to my chest. Spencer meowed next to me, her pink nose slightly wrinkled. She was angry. She still didn't like Jasper.

She hissed when he stepped closer and he glared at her, "I can't believe Fred's taking care of that thing."

I shot him a scowl, "She's not a thing." I turned to my cat, "She's a cutie pie! Yes, you are! Yes, you are!" I cooed at her and she purred in response.

Jasper shook his head, "Do you want me to take it to Fred's?"

I snatched up my baby, "Don't you kill my cat, Whitlock." I warned.

"Cats die. It's what they do."

I rolled my eyes, "He's coming here to pick her up tomorrow." My heart was still thundering in my heart. My mother was an overdone hippie with a anger problem while my father was too stern and followed the rules too often. They tried to morph me into them, tried to make me start a family without Edward, and even tried to convince me to go back to college. My mother instantly declared that she hated me when I gave up my Dartmouth scholarship. I couldn't bring myself to care. So I distanced myself from both of them.

My hand was suddenly pulled away from my face. I hadn't realized that I had been gnawing on my thumb nail. Jasper rubbed my hand soothingly, "We don't want you to bite right through the skin."

"Sorry." I muttered.

"No blood, no foul." He joked lightly then brushed his lips over my index finger. It was oddly intimate. The finger that held the cut from when I sliced my finger at the party.

I couldn't help but feel uneasy. I had been planning this for a long time. To tell him what happened after all the drama. What I had gone through. What I had felt, seen, and heard. My brain pounded just from thinking about it.

"Jasper?"

"Hmmm." His eyes shot up to mine and they hardened when they saw the emotion blossoming there, "Go ahead, Sunshine."

…

…

If I told you what exactly happened over the months without Edward, you wouldn't understand. Everything was a blur. And I mean everything.

Charlie's face finally woke me up one day. The great, spontaneous father I had moved up north for my mother was now pale, no life, dead brown eyes and a permanent frown on his face. I climbed out of bed, trying to will the agony in my chest to go away. There was no painkiller in the world that could ease my aguish. I wiped the tears from my eyes. I had to face another day without him, without love, without life.

I couldn't look myself in the eye that Monday morning. I could never look at my reflection. If I did, I would burst into sobs, screams that would never be heard, pain that would never be experienced by another.

Too much.

Too heavy.

I fingered the small cut on my index digit, staring at the tiny cut that had ruined my life. I felt like I couldn't breathe all over again.

His words, his touch, his love. He gave me breath, filled me up with just enough to float into the deep, dark abyss with him. Now it seemed I was being dragged, pulled by my hair, shoved and pushed towards the darkness and hate. I couldn't turn around even if I wanted to.

I grabbed the medication from the cabinet, downed the two white pills without water and scrubbed myself until I was raw. I didn't care about my appearance, only the promise I made. If I could stay alive for just another day, I would satisfy him. That was enough for now.

The tears stopped, but no blood returned to my cheeks. I couldn't blush if I wanted to. A sniffle rung through the humid shower and I stepped out, hurrying to dress. I had lost weight. My ribs poked slightly and my hips jutted out. No stomach to speak of. I had never been heavy, but now it was ridiculous.

I crept downstairs, keeping my head low and my eyes on the ground. My hair hung limply around me. It had seemed to lost its life too. It will to shine and blow in the wind. Charlie was there, of course. He had a grim line on his face, which I identified as his mouth, chapped lips and flabby tongue. His eyebrows were pinned together, his eyes gazing at me strongly, willing me to sit with him. I didn't, like usual. I grabbed a granola bar.

"Bella…" he called. I was already out of the door.

…

…

Two Weeks…

"Bella!" I was encased in those beautiful, russet, long, sinewy arms. I squealed instantly. The air rushed back into my lungs. I felt lighter, yet heavier, feeling my heart thump enthusiastically. Jacob could always do that to me. He was the only thing real in my life.

Everything at home was wearing down at me. My mother was back. After divorcing Phil for cheating, she came to check on me. Some mother. She barely slanted me a glance when I came home that one day. Charlie wasn't as surprised as me and I watched from the staircase as they hugged fiercely, Renée sobbing and my father rubbing her back soothingly.

Jacob didn't question things. He saw more than I thought. He knew I tucked my hair behind my ear when I was nervous. He knew I didn't enjoy music anymore. He knew why my fingers were a bloody mess when I tore out my radio. He knew why I rejected food politely when Billy offered. He knew why I ran to him, a blubbering mess and tangled hair. He knew why I wanted to try motorbikes and cliff dive.

He knew everything.

"So what's up?" He asked, that gorgeous bright grin on his face.

"I wanted to go hiking." I mumbled, my eyes resting on his.

He didn't even falter, "Great. I'll grab the raincoats.

…

…

Hiking hadn't gone as planned. Jacob kissed me. We stayed wrapped in each other's arms for a few moments. I could imagine myself with someone like him. I could see our tiny children, full heads of black, lovely hair and bright grins. I could see me growing old, his same strong arms around me.

I couldn't help but feel disgusted with myself.

He kissed my lips, I tasted Edward's mouth. His sweet, persuasive breath running over my lips and tingling on my tongue. I didn't know how I brought myself to let Edward go. How I let myself rot like this. I didn't want to hurt Jacob.

Then he broke my heart.

"Don't come back, Bella. Or you're going to get hurt."

I was stupid.

I was idiotic.

I was broken.

Driving home wasn't easy. Every time I saw a car, I contemplated slamming my vehicle into theirs. But then a life would be lost. And I promised Edward. I drove home easily, weaving through the tiny cars and parked outside. My mother's minivan was sitting contently on the street.

When I hurried inside, my eyes and soul dead, Charlie and Renée was there. A grin was on my mother's face and Charlie's was a firm line. He kept that up and it would be stuck like that.

"Isabella, sit."

Like I was a dog.

And I was because I sat.

Blurs of words.

"We're getting married!"

Married?

Married…

I couldn't fathom it for a good second.

Then it churned in my stomach. My hand slapped to my mouth and I choked up as Renée showed me the golden band around her finger. I couldn't breathe. The walls looked like they were closing in on me. Everything was moving too fast.

"Goodbye, Bella."

I jumped up, the chair toppling over behind me, "I have to go." I was back outside in a flash, the air bouncing over my wet face. I hadn't realized I was crying. It was weird. I had never felt so many emotions at once. I vomited in the bushes, sobs wracking my body and my knees bobbing.

I stumbled to my truck. I had heard of a party. Somewhere, sometime. I knew it had come out Jessica's mouth. I drove down the road, searching for the hundreds of car and thumping house. I found it of course. It looked like everyone was there.

I got out of my car, running my hands through my hair anxiously. Mike Newton answered the door. He grinned, his eyes wide with shock, but led me inside. His hand on my back burned. His voice made me want to throw up again. He pushed me towards the drinks. They burned my throat, but muffled the pain. That was enough for me.

I confessed to Jessica, practically lying over her lap, that my parents were getting married and I was dumped the same day.

She laughed.

I called her a bitch.

She stopped laughing.

A thump on the back of my head.

I hit her back.

I was shoved.

Pulsing music and bodies grinding against each other. I was surprise the police weren't here yet. But they probably were, in the mist of all the dancing people. I was starting to feel suffocated again.

Another drink lobbed into my face.

Arms around me.

Hard kisses.

Beautiful whispers.

Roaming fingers.

Right there. Harder. Faster.

Condom?

I didn't know.

Again.

Thrust. Thrust.

Sweat dripping down my back.

Long, tangled hair grabbed into a fist.

I gripped the headboard, the sound of my wailing hitting my ears.

He cried out.

Ecstasy.

We fell together.

I was suffocating again.

…

…

The morning after.

I didn't know the man I lost my virginity to. I knew he didn't go to our school and he couldn't be over twenty. I gathered my clothes, trying to ignore the pounding headache and cursed when my stomach decided to puke out all the contents. It splattered next to the toilet bowel. I didn't make it in time.

I found a spare toothbrush in the cabinet and decided to scrub all the gunk and alcohol. Nothing could be done about my greasy tresses. I tied them back and tried to limp to the door. The thump between my legs told me I needed to rest, but I denied. I opened the door and maneuvered over the limp bodies over the floor and couches.

"Bella?" Jessica called to me. It made my head squeeze painfully.

I turned to face her.

"Where are you going?" her blue eyes traveled down my body, "And…why are you bleeding…? Ohmigod!" She started to rush towards me, but I shoved her away, giving her a hard glare. She suddenly smiled.

"Gave up your V card that easily, huh, Bella? No wonder Edward left."

I wouldn't let her see me cry. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

"Fuck you." I spat then ran out of the house. My legs burned. I scrambled into my car and that was the first time I cried in months. It hurt. My eyes had been pleading with me to do it.

I wasn't free yet though.

Not by a long shot.

I was still burning.

…

…

The pain of yesterday flows through your mind. The aguish of tomorrow is still waiting for your misery. Show no hurt. Show no hate. Show no love.

…

…

This chapter would've not been out here without MoonPrincess623. She really inspired me. I had always thought what Bella had gone through and SHE WAS MY CHARACTER. I mean, something had to happen, right? Well, anyway, disclaimer, blah, blah, review for me, kay?

Until next time, my lovelies…