A/N: BEHOLD!! I give you ultimate Faxness! *cue evil laughter* I told you I was getting to it…slowly. Now this chapter's really long... Well, better late than never right? Anyway, I hope you like this as much as my friends do. It's not my best writing since I wrote it awhile ago, but I didn't want to delete or change anything. Therefore, if it has mistakes or seems really cheesy, sue me. Of course that is kinda the point for this chapter, the cheesiness and OOC-ness anyway, so if you don't like it, that's just too bad.
Blitz: Then you can come join me in my corner while I'm ill from Fax overload.
Me: Yes, thank you Blitz. Exactly, you can go hang with him and be sad without Fax in your life. In any case, I hope this lives up to what you all where expecting.
Without further ado…*drumroll*
~ The Angel Assassin ~
Chapter 10: Reconciliation
Watching Max leave my room, her face contorted in pain, nearly destroyed any remaining piece of sanity I had left. I didn't hate her and I didn't want us to do this, didn't want us to go through the motions of fighting, but my own weakness kept destroying any sense I seemed to gain. Angrily I picked up the nearest thing to me, my new set of headphones, and nearly threw them through the wall. I kept replaying our conversation in my head, wandering down different avenues it could've taken.
I can't love the shadow of a girl I once loved, I'd said. I hadn't meant to be so cruel, so final with my words. It wasn't that I couldn't love her; it was that I was afraid of myself. It wasn't fair to give myself hope only to force her to lose hers.
A noise at the door of my room caught my attention and I whirled around half expecting to see Max ready to get into a fist fight with me. It would be a beating I'd gladly take at this point. Instead Angel stood there calmly regarding me with the faintest trace of disappointment in her eyes. She didn't say anything, but I quickly discovered she didn't have to, not to send pangs of guilt through me anyway.
"I…" I started suddenly feeling like I should defend myself. I knew that anything I might tell Angel was only a lie. I knew what I'd said and no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't take it back. I couldn't fix it.
"Maybe you should try," Angel replied softly as she scanned my thoughts.
"I don't know how," I muttered, ashamed color flooding my cheeks.
"You used to," Angel went on. "You used to be the only one who could make it better; you just need to remember how."
"I can't," I said unable to look her in the eye.
She sighed, effectively drawing my gaze. I looked up at her and immediately wished I hadn't. Frustration was etched into her features as she watched me fidget nervously in front of her. "Try," she said firmly before walking away down the hall leaving me to wallow in my own guilty conscience.
"It won't make a difference," I muttered darkly to myself.
I knew I was only making stupid excuses, but I didn't want to face Max. With a sigh, and with a guilty conscience, I walked to the door of my room and cracked it open. No one was in the hall and from the sounds emanating from downstairs; I figured that was where they were. Steeling myself, I left the safety of my room and walked three steps to Max's closed door. With a deep breath, I knocked.
Max opened the door slowly, I'd figured she'd just yell at me to go away like she used to, and eyed me blankly.
All words defied me as I stood there stupidly. After a few moments of awkward silence, she started to shut the door and the need to say something, anything hit me.
"Wait a second," I said quickly shoving my foot in the open door and holding it there with my hand. "Look I know you're angry at me and you have every right to be, but before we start fighting again like we used to, can I show you something?"
"I don't…" she started to say maintaining her detached expression until she looked down the hall and caught Angel's eye.
"Please," I pressed. "We need to talk."
Max bit her lip in indecision and after several more minutes, and an inner argument with Angel I'm sure, she looked hesitantly up at me. "Fine, let's talk," she consented with a shrug.
Shoulders relaxing from their tensed position, I followed her into the room absentmindedly wondering how long it had been since I'd been in here with her. Nervously, I shifted from one foot to another, unsure what I was even going to say to her. What could I say that would make anything better?
"Well, what did you want to talk about?" she asked standing next to the window and looking away from me.
"Actually I need to show you something first," I replied trying to sound calm. "I need to show you so you can understand."
"Okay," she replied slowly not catching my eye.
I picked up her jacket and handed it to her, before opening the window and jumping outside on the roof. She watched me warily apparently unsure whether or not to come with me.
"Please trust me," I pleaded. "I know I have no right to ask that, but maybe this will help."
With a sigh, she followed me out into the fresh air. Quickly, enjoying the warm breeze that played amongst my feathers, I lead her to the cave. It wasn't the same cave her and I had shared our passionate moment, but a different memory was centered on it. I was leading her to the hawk cave. Coming up on it, I smiled as the memory of flying with the hawks, with her, came to mind.
The tip of my wing barely grazed hers and I saw her shiver and pull away slightly. With a sigh, I led her down to the ledge in front of the entrance to the cave, turning to see if she was right behind me. The hawks were still there, and they regarded Max and me with curious eyes. Calmly, I held my arm out to the biggest hawk and grinned as he flew onto my arm. He looked into my eyes and cocked his head towards Max as if asking who I had brought with me this time. The past few times I'd been here it had been alone, when I wanted to try to outrun my memories. It hadn't ever worked, but I still tried over and over again.
"You don't remember this do you?" I asked slowly as the hawk took off and the rest of the flock followed leaving the cave empty for the two of us.
"Um…no," Max replied looking guilty.
"We used to come here to fly with the hawks and learn from them," I replied catching her eye, "and just to talk."
"I…" she started trailing off.
"If you don't want to talk now," I mumbled not sure how to go on, "I won't make you, but I think you deserve the chance."
"Can I ask you a question then?" she asked sitting at the mouth of the cave and looking out into the empty air. I nodded sitting against the opposite wall and watching the hawks teach their babies to fly. "What happened to your wing?"
"Oh," I said bracing myself. I'd been trying to disguise the fact that I favored that side a little more than the other.
"It happened because of me," Max said making it more of a statement than a question. "You can just say it, I don't care."
"Yes, you do," I said adamantly not liking the cold acceptance in her voice. "Besides it wasn't your fault. Erasers tore the ligaments when…well when they took you, and it's taken forever to fully heal. It's stronger now, and I'm stronger now. It took losing you and my flight for a while to realize how much I needed you."
"I…I meant a lot to you didn't I?"
"You meant a lot to all of us, but you meant the world to me," I admitted staring at my hands. "I wish I could help you see that. Obviously I've been failing."
I heard her sigh and I glanced up to see her eyes full of confusion which faded into a look I was more familiar with, determination.
"I…um…" she stammered. "It…happened about eleven months ago."
I stared puzzled into her deep eyes, eyes that had haunted my dreams and now wouldn't look me in the eye. I saw behind her determination, though cleverly masked, was vulnerability. She looked for a single heart wrenching moment, like the old Max. Looking into her eyes now, I was reminded of another time in a similar cave. Had it only been a few years ago that Max and I were so close? I preferred us as only friends rather than this cold feeling of strangers by far. As I drifted in my memories, I wondered why I had blocked out such happy memories. Was the pain in remembering worse than the emptiness of forgetting?
"I was um…" she stammered trying to continue. "The scars…"
I realized that I was staring, but I couldn't pull my eyes away. She looked so scared and vulnerable, a look I remembered scared the daylights out of me when I'd seen it on the beach. That had been the time she'd tried to cut the microchip out of her arm by herself. The image had stuck with me and I suspected it always would. The only thing stopping me from pulling her into my arms was the hesitation I read deep in her eyes. She looked away from the hawks, instead choosing to stare at her hands uncomfortably, anything to avoid my gaze. I realized then she was trying to explain herself.
"There were three or four guys; they worked in the lab so I didn't recognize them. Every Friday night they'd go out and get drunk at local bars…" she started the hesitation now obvious in her voice.
I stayed completely silent as she told me about her time at the Compound. I knew she hadn't told anyone anything about it except for what Angel had gleaned from her mind. Even that small amount wasn't pretty. I realized the amount of strength it was taking to open up to me after keeping it inside for so long.
"One night, they came back unable to see straight and furious about something. Unfortunately I was the object they decided to take their anger out on," she went on fidgeting with the button on her shirt.
"You're not an object, you're a person," I muttered under my breath, though I been silent so far.
She smiled slightly, but the smile didn't touch her eyes. They seemed distant and glazed. "They dragged me into a back room, I tried to fight back, but…" she trailed off for a moment and I didn't press her. "They kept trying to strap me to the metal table and I pulled against the restraints so hard I broke them. Their self appointed leader was furious… He'd been in the process of trying to...trying to undo my pants and pull them off…"
She stopped, now trembling violently. My hands were shaking in anger, but I shoved it back. I reached over and took her hands stopping their jerky movements. I buried the anger and I instead hoped she could see the sympathy behind it. I squeezed my eyes shut at the image that threatened to undermine my self control and send me flying to hunt down these men and kill them. Now matter how irrational it was, I tried to ignore the urge and gave her hands a tight reassuring squeeze.
I felt useless and inexplicable frustrated knowing I couldn't do anything to erase what had been done. One look at Max's pained face and my insides seemed to flip flop. I wanted to take her into my arms and comfort her, but I felt that the memory was too fresh in her mind for her to be comfortable accepting male comfort to that extent. Besides that, I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve to hold her just yet.
"I can still remember the way he smelled, the way his unshaved face felt against my cheek, and the crazed look in his eyes. It still makes me sick, but I managed to break away from his friends before it got any further and punch him. I think I broke his cheekbone, he swore at me, and then," she continued taking a deep breath, "I remember seeing his fist. I saw stars and couldn't breathe. He kept swearing at me as his buddy drew a twelve inch knife and used mine, they'd taken it from me so I couldn't fight, and handed them to their leader. I saw him doing it, but I couldn't stop it…couldn't fight back. They were all chanting and egging him on. I just wished they'd get it over with or just kill me.
"He took one knife and brought it down through my shoulder. Then slowly, he did the other one, digging it in, inch by excruciating inch," she grimaced, her fingers tracing the scar through her shirt as the other hand gripped mine tightly. "I still remember the feral glint in his eyes and the stench of alcohol on his breath as he leaned closer. He was enjoying himself as he crucified me to that wall. I couldn't breathe and my head was spinning from blood loss. I was hovering in and out of conscious, but I remember him saying, 'Never deny me again, or I will kill you.' Sometime after that, Hightower burst in and I can't remember what he said, but the look in his eyes was enough to tell me he wasn't about to listen to excuses.
"Next thing I knew, I was in the infirmary with my cuts stitched up and my head pounding like a hammer. I wasn't dying or anything, but the damage had already been done," she finished slowly. "They didn't get to do what they'd wanted, but a part of me just quit."
He head sagged forward and I gave into the urge to wrap her in my arms. With her safely in my embrace, I felt her back shake with sobs. She shook so badly that I wondered how long she'd been fighting her tears. I instinctively eased her closer and tightened my arms around her, pressing her head to my chest. I was relieved when she accepted my embrace and even more so when she returned it. We sat there, locked together, for a while as I simply let her cry all the tears she'd never been able to.
When her sobs finally ceased I was glad when she continued to let me hold her close. I wondered if she was in any way as reluctant to let go as I was. God, I'd missed her.
"It's weird," she started in a hitched voice into my chest.
"What is?" I questioned tightening my arms puller her even closer against me. Just feeling her body in my arms and her steady breathing was all the reassurance I needed.
"That I can feel so secure with you…I never thought I could feel safe ever again. I wish I could remember…"
"Remember what?" I said easing back slightly to brush her hair away before ever so gently and unobtrusively kissing her forehead.
"I wish I could just remember more…more about my life and more about me and more about…"
"More about…" I questioned staring into her chocolate eyes.
"I wish beyond any shadow of a doubt, that I could remember you," she said burrowing her face into my neck.
"Maybe I can help a little with that," I whispered into her ear. Tentatively, I kissed her forehead softly. I felt her shiver in my arms and immediately backed off. "I won't force you to remember anything you don't want to," I said questioning her response to my touch.
"I want to remember you don't I?" she mumbled shaking her head. "I'll remember it all."
I pulled back slowly, just enough to look into her eyes. I could always tell when she was lying, at least I used to. Her eyes were different now, but they were still the eyes that had haunted my dreams for the past two years. They were still her eyes. I bent slowly and touched my lips to hers briefly then drawing back to gauge her reaction.
Her eyes had a wistful hue about them and the tears began to spill over silently. I pressed my hand to her cheek using my thumb to wipe them away on one side while kissing them away on the other. I pulled her closer and pressed my lips to hers again this time with more force. Her response matched mine. Kissing her now made me realize how much she was a part of me and I was a part of her. I hugged her as close as humanly possible never wanting to let go.
I finally, against all common sense, pulled back and looked into her eyes. She raised her hand and touched my cheek as if making sure I was real. Suddenly her eyes filled with confusion and her body tensed in my arms.
"What?" I asked, finding the change in her slightly alarming.
"I…uh…" she stuttered her eyes darting around the cave just to fall back on me with that same confused look. Her eyes looked lost and afraid. "I can't…"
"Why?" I asked unsure the reason behind her hasty change. "Did you remember something?"
The look in her eyes told me the answer before she could say anything. I gulped slightly wondered what had sparked the distrust in her eyes. It was distrust that sliced me to the core. Unfortunately, I hadn't always been the best man for Max that much was sadly true. I had done things I wasn't proud of by far. Still, I was trying to keep my promise to never leave her again.
"Yes…I mean…last time we were in a cave…" she stuttered still looking around.
I sighed a breath of relief. "You mentioned that before," I stated not willing to let her go.
"I…ah…I have to go," she said shrugging out of my arms and darting to the mouth of the cave. My was mind was racing through different things I could do to keep her with me as I jumped to my feet and caught her arm.
"Wait, please don't go," I pleaded as she pushed my arm away breaking the hold I had on her.
I quickly grabbed her hand and spun her to face me. Her eyes meant mine for a slight moment before looking away.
"I just need…" she said faltering again as her eyes raised to meet mine.
"You know I'll give you anything you need," I reassured her taking her hands and letting them fall limp on my chest.
"I…I'm not sure," she said weakly.
"What's wrong Max?" I asked my tone determined yet gentle.
"I'm not sure…I just…" she said looking confused and yet her eyes were filled with a dreamy far off look.
"Do you remember last time?" I coaxed trying to pinpoint what was bothering her.
"Yes," she replied hesitantly.
"All of it?" I questioned still not releasing my hold on her, though I could tell she wanted to get away.
"No, just parts," she clarified squirming as I held her against me.
"Which parts?" I asked trying to understand.
"I don't know, okay?" she said, the sudden sharpness in her voice slightly startling me, but I didn't loosen my grip. "I hate this."
"Hate what?" I inquired my tone softer this time.
"Not knowing whether or not I loved you. I mean I know my ABCs, I know my name, I know the president, and I can tell you my favorite foods, color, etc. but I can't remember you. I can't remember how I should feel around you," she explained, the frustration clear in her voice. "I can't remember the Flock and how I used to be with them. I can't remember people that, apparently, I've loved. Half of me is saying this is right, this is how it should be, how it was, but the other half, the assassin half, is telling me I should stop while I'm ahead. That I shouldn't do this to myself, I should stay detached from you. I hate it."
"We'll figure it out, I promise," I said softly enjoying the silence for a moment more before saying what I needed to say. "I have to apologize, Max."
"I'm listening," she said nuzzling closer to me.
"Well…"I started tightening my arms around her as she eased closer, "first off I need to say sorry for avoiding you. I've been a complete jerk."
"I've noticed," she said closing her eyes.
"I think though you should understand why," I added slowly. "I was afraid that it was all a dream and eventually I'd have to let you go again. See when they took you, I felt responsible because you left for the Flock, for me. I just quit fighting because I forgot what was worth fighting for. I couldn't, didn't want to handle anything after you left. I had a hole in my life, in everything where you used to be and nothing anyone did could fix it, so eventually they stopped trying. I stopped trying."
"I'm sorry," Max whispered.
"Don't be sorry," I replied feeling extremely calm. "I should've realized your being gone didn't give me the right to give up. I tried to find you, but I couldn't… I should've kept fighting. When you showed up it almost seemed for a second like fate was mocking me, but it wasn't. I was guilty. I'm the one who should be sorry, not you.'
"Why are you doing this?" she asked suddenly backing away from me.
"What?" I asked in disbelief.
"I'm not worth it anymore," she answered. "Maybe I was, but you don't know what I've done. You can't…"
"I don't care, you are worth it," I said adamantly. "You're worth it to me, to the Flock and I'll prove it to you if I have to."
"How…how can I still be worth so much to you after I've put you through so much pain?" she asked her mystified eyes searching mine for answers. "I'm an assassin, Fang, I don't fall in love, I break it. You said it yourself earlier, I'm not the same and you know it."
"What's it going to take to make you believe me?" I asked not really needing an answer. "We can go in circles like this for hours, just like we used to, but it no matter how much you argue, it won't change a thing. I still love you and nothing, not your past, not the future, nothing will change it."
"Why?" she demanded breathlessly still staring me down.
"I don't know," I shrugged. "I really don't know."
"I do," she said pointedly. "You're in love with the old Max, not me."
"True, I love the old Max with everything I am," I said trying to explain as she looked away from me, her hands fidgeting restlessly again.
I reached for her hands forcing her to look at me.
"But…" I finished, "I would be a hypocrite if I denied how I feel about you."
"You can't, I can't," she muttered not really fighting me as I pulled her back to me.
"What about you?" I whispered. "Do you love me?"
"You can't ask me that," she mumbled.
"But I am asking," I replied not letting her get away with not answering.
"In all my memories of you…I know I loved you," she said slowly.
"And now?" I asked leaning closer so that our faces were inches apart.
"Now…now," she started, "I know I shouldn't, but I love you Fang. I can't help it. I love you."
"Good, then we have something in common," I said slowly. "We'll just have to figure out the rest."
"I don't know what to think, Fang," she replied her eyes taking on the faraway look again. "I love you, but I can't force myself to open myself up and then get hurt. It won't work, I can't."
"And I'm not asking you to," I said brushing her hair from her eyes and letting my fingers graze her cheeks. "I won't loose you again, Max. I can't do that. Do you understand?"
"Yeah, I do. Better than you know," she said with a faint trace of a characteristic Max smile. "I'm still not sure how I feel about this, but it's better than anything I've felt in a long time. This is how it was, isn't it?"
"More or less," I said pressing my lips to her cheek.
The faint smile trailing her lips broadened as soon as I did and without warning, she turned her head and let me catch her lips instead of her cheek. The sudden kiss caught me off guard, but I welcomed it. This was better than any previous kiss as I didn't sense any hesitancy in it. It was amazing to say the least.
"That was a promise to try," she mumbled as she pulled away.
I smiled warmly happy with everything for the first time in a long while. Nothing was going to destroy our love this time. Not the School, not Itex, and not this Compound or whatever. As Jeb had put it once when he'd tried to talk to me, Max and I were made for each other and there was no denying it now. A sharp squawk interrupted my silent reverie and I turned to the cave entrance to see a hawk eyeing us impatiently. To my surprise, the sky outside was an inky black and I grinned realizing we'd been out here for hours.
"We should go," I said hesitant to let her go.
"Yeah," she sighed seeming as reluctant as I was to leave.
We stood there a moment more, both completely content to just hold each other.
"What's going to happen tomorrow?" she asked me softly.
"Well, I promised not to avoid you anymore, but other than that, I guess we'll have to wait and see," I answered.
"Okay," she whispered. "Just promise me something."
"Anything," I replied.
"Promise me that I won't wake up tomorrow at the Compound," she pleaded. "Don't let this be a dream."
"I swear," I promised solemnly. "Now let's go, you look dead on your feet. Besides, technically, you're still hurt and you need your rest."
"I'm not…" she started ending with a yawn. "Okay, so you win."
She took a step back and almost stumbled. I quickly caught her around the waist before she could fall. "I always win," I said with a grin.
"Thanks," she said looking embarrassed.
"Come here," I said pulling her to me.
"What? Why?"
"I'm not letting you fly home like this," I answered sweeping her off the ground. "Friends don't let friends fly drowsy."
"You made that up," she snorted trying to get loose. "I'm fine."
"Whatever," I said moving to the cave entrance, "but I'm not putting you down."
"Fang," she yelped as I jumped into the air, "you're going to kill us."
"Trust me," I laughed unfurling my dark wings. "Oh and just relax."
"Little chance of that," she muttered but leaned into me nonetheless.
The rest of the flight home was silent, but somehow I didn't mind. How could I with the sound of her heartbeat pounding in my ears? Once we got back to the house, I headed quietly inside ignoring the raised eyebrow looks I was getting from Jeb and Val. Glancing down, I noticed Max, despite her plea that she wasn't tired, had fallen asleep. With a look over a Jeb and Val, who were still speechless, I carried her upstairs and lowered her on her bed.
"I love you, Maximum Ride," I whispered in her ear as I kissed her forehead.
I eased out of her room and headed into mine. I yanked off my jacket, and sprawled out on the bed. My mind was buzzing as I replayed the night's events. I took several deep breaths inhaling Max's smell that clung to my clothes as I closed my eyes. I slowly let myself drift to sleep and had the best night's sleep I'd had in years.
***
A/N: Like I said I hope you liked it. I hope it wasn't to odd or anything. Like I said I wrote it a while ago with my friend and some of this is her writing too. So if there's something you didn't like, we can just blame her, right? Okay, maybe not, but still. I hope it was at least good for everyone.
Blitz: Now can we move on in the world?
Me: You're just angry because you weren't in this one. Anyway, please push George, who is Bob's the Review Button's cousin, and leave me a review! I need to know what you liked and didn't like so I can fix it and make it better! Until then, cookies for all my reviewers! I love you guys, I really do!
~lightNdarkangel