Chapter 10: Catherine

The more I watch them interact the more jealous I feel. It's so easy for them. They don't have to speak to understand each other. And there's the physical connection. It seems that every time there around each other they're seeking for a contact. They hug each other tightly, they reassure each other. They share such a deep bound and yet they barely know each other.

Nancy's my sister, she's like me she's a 'touchy' person. But Sara... Well that's a different story. She is known to be a 'stay away from me' person. Well looking to our record history it's true that we're not led to have moments, so to speak. But when our relationship is warm and friendly, even then she rejects physical contact. At least contacts coming from me. There were times when I would try to reach for her, a hand on her shoulder, a comforting caress but she would always tense around me. There would be so much tension that it would kill all the want to make a contact. And when luckily she would let her guard down long enough for me to touch her she would jerk away as if burned the second later and her eyes would be asking me what I am doing.

I think she doesn't trust me. Not that I ever gave her ground to do such a thing. Every time she's warm around me I feel... I don't know, there is something in her that set me off balance. She seems to be able to see me bare. She seems to see my weakness, my fears and insecurities. No matter how I try I just can't keep my armour on. And I hate this. I hate the fact that she can do such a thing to me while I barely know her, while I can't know what she thinks or what makes her tick. I can't reach her yet she can make me weak and vulnerable. That's unfair.

Right now though I'm seeking for her contact. Even more now that I know what it felt like to be in her arms. I don't want to fight with her anymore. I want to figure it out. I want to figure her out. Because I know that I need her in my life. I don't know why I do but I do. It makes me shiver with fear just to think that she might not be in my life again. We might not have the best relationship ever but I need this relationship. I'm willing to make it change. I want to have a real relationship with her. I want to have with her what she's having with Nancy. I want to know the Sara that is so important in the life of my daughter. I can't stand to be an outsider, a watcher. I don't want to feel like an intruder anymore. Because it hurts me to see what I've rejected all those years.

"Cath?" The voice of my sister breaks my train of thoughts.

I feel myself shivering and I want to cry. I'm desperate. I keep on realising what I'm missing, what I've ruined. It's like a cruel twisted game. They say you never realise what you had until you lost it. Well I'm tasting this bitter pill right now.

My sister leads me to the couch and makes me sit down. And she hold me in her arms like she has done so many times since we were kids.

"What am I going to do?" I ask her. "I... I'm so lost right now... It's worse than anything I've been through. I'd give my life to get Lindsey's back."

"We're going to find her Cath." She whispers to me over and over again.

xxxxx

Warrick just passed again with Nick and Greg. They didn't say much just that they would do anything to bring my baby back. Then they stood silently next to me. It helped me a little.

Nancy stood on the porch all the time. Just like she did before. I think she was waiting for Sara.

I join her outside because I'm feeling claustrophobic inside. The silence in there is way too deafening. I sit on the steps next to her.

"Lindsey and Sara have been contacting each other for a while now." I start. She doesn't say anything but I can feel her becoming a bit uncomfortable. "Did you know it?" I think she was expecting my question. Well I was certainly not expecting her answer.

"Yes." She says calmly. I, on the other hand, start to feel anger rising in me.

"You did?" My voice is a little strained but Nancy stays calm as ever.

"Yes."

"How come?... I mean... Why you didn't tell me anything?...How... How could you hide something like this from me?" I'm yelling now. But Nancy stays stoic and it makes me angrier. Now I understand the connection between Nancy and Sara. I feel like an intruder into my own family. Like Sara has replaced me.

"Answer me!! How could you not telling me this? For how long have you known about it? Did you even plan on telling me?" I'm mad for good.

"No." Her monosyllabic answers are getting to my nerves and I'm definitely not in the mood to play games.

"Nancy..." My voice is low and threatening. She looks at me and sighs deeply.

"Linds asked me not to tell you anything." She says flatly.

"Oh yeah right blame it on her. You're supposed to be an adult you know..."

"When I see you reacting like that I understand Linds' request." She cuts me off. "Look at you Cath. Do you honestly think that if I ever thought Sara was a danger for your daughter I would have let them keep on seeing each other? Do you..."

"Hold on, seeing each other? What the hell are you talking about?" She closes her eyes briefly and sighs as if to kick herself for saying something she shouldn't have. "They've been seeing each other on my back, you knew it and you didn't tell anything or do anything to stop it?" I'm hysterical.

"Yes."

"I can't believe you!" I spit out. I stand and start to walk back in the house.

"She's been helping her with her homework. She's been opening her mind to literature. She's been the friend she needed."

I backtrack and place myself in front of my sister. "She's been messing with her head..."

"Wake up Cath, you know it's not true." She looks exasperate. "You know that Sara is better than that. I know you two aren't friends but you know Sara isn't like that."

I snort and look away. I feel like the whole world is against me.

"You might not like the sound of this but Sara's been good to Linds."

Those words hurt me deeply. "You're right I don't like the sound of it." I pause. "I can't believe you kept that from me. I trusted you for Christ's sake! How could you do such a thing to me?! How dared you!... You..." I scream but she rises up her voice and cuts me off.

"You haven't been around much because of your job lately. Everyone understands that your job takes most of your time while you wish you could have more time to spend with your family. But you're not the only one having a hard time. Lindsey's been having a hard time since Eddie's death. She has so much anger in her. I know you know it. I know that lately you two had difficulties to communicate. But there is one thing I also know it's that Sara has been good to Lindsey." She lets her words sinking for a moment.

"Don't get me wrong I'm not saying you're a bad mother. But Lindsey needed to have something to hold onto. In this case it's Sara. Not because she is better than you, but because she isn't you or me." I start to feel tears burning my eyes. "With Sara she wasn't alone. She had someone to talk to when you were on call, she had a friend, that's it. She had someone who would listen to her vent her anger against school, against you or me."

I don't know what to say. I know that somewhere she's right. But there is this big part of the story where I'm not there for Lindsey, where I can't talk to her. It points out all my mistakes.

"Cath... If it was wrong you bet I would have told you. It wasn't, forgive me. Please try to understand that in the end it's not really about you or about your troubles with Sara."

She leaves me there thinking about what she's just said. I feel betrayed, angry, frustrated and excluded. I feel lost. My head is aching with all those things to think about.

xxxxx

"I'm sorry for earlier." I say. Nancy is on the couch watching a turned off TV. I sit next to her but I don't look at her.

"I didn't mean to betray your confidence."

"I... it's just that I feel like an intruder."

"You're not."

"It's like Sara had filled the blanks I've left."

"It's not like that Cath." She turns her head and put her arm around my shoulder. "It's not like that."

"Yeah... you and Sara, Lindsey and Sara... tell me where do I fit in all this?" I feel so insecure. "She's succeeding where I fail."

"What do you mean?"

"She can reach Lindsey. She has a friendship with you while her and I are barely able to speak to each other."

"You're Lindsey's mom and nothing will ever change that. As for the rest it's up to you to make it change."

I snort "Easy for you to say. She has let you in. She's been rejecting me out for the last five years, putting walls between us every time."

"From what you told me you're both to blame. Now if you want to make it change you have to trust her. And most of all you have to hold your fighting personality. Because it won't get you any good from her."

I sigh and lay onto her embrace. I can think of all this right now. Sara and I have a long way to go but right now it doesn't matter. Lindsey comes first.

I swear things will be alright at some point or another...

Thanks for reading ;)