Part X
Just Tonight
It wasn't fair.
The truth behind those words was backed by the constant roiling of guilt in the pit of Castiel's stomach. He ignored it the way a child would disregard a parent's chiding to only take one cookie from the cooling rack. From that perspective, it hardly seemed fair to be only allowed one. It was a rule that someone else created, and as Lucifer was ever so fond of teaching Castiel, rules were the guild lines of how someone else wanted him to be. Just because he thought differently, wanted two instead of one, didn't make him any less of a person. It didn't make him wrong, but society had their ideas of normalcy, and say.. desiring an open relationship did not fit in their parameters of what was acceptable.
But Castiel liked what he saw.
Lucifer and Dean stood in the kitchen, a foot of space between their matching pair of broad shoulders. They each faced the counter top, Lucifer making himself tea while Dean opted for coffee. Lucifer's head turned, his lips moving with a murmur too distant for Castiel to hear. Dean responded by shifting his own face toward the slightly taller man, stoic in expression except for the faint crinkle around the corner of his sea-green eyes that hinted toward amusement. Castiel found himself smiling into the back of the couch from where he sat watching from the living room. His heart gave a small lurch; an ache that was both pain and adoration.
Why was it wrong for him to want both men in his life?
Expecting him to choose between them felt as if he was being asked to tear his heart in two with his own bare hands.
The men turned, Lucifer in the lead, and Castiel sat forward and set his gaze on the glowing tv screen. It wasn't long before the couch dipped on either side of him. Dean on one side and Lucifer on the other. Castiel had purposely situated himself in the middle in preparation of playing peace keeper. There was a motion of cups, a short exchange of words, but all Castiel could seem to focus on was the coffee table ahead of him and how he could see both Lucifer's and Dean's knees hovering close to his own but never once making contact. Castiel kept his hands tightly clasped together as he sat rigidly; caught between the past and future.
A step backwards, or a step forward?
Why couldn't he just stay idle in the present?
"You did not just pick The Notebook. Dude, seriously?"
Castiel tuned back into reality and blinked at the television screen to a movie he had no hopes of recognizing. Whatever Lucifer had chosen from the limited movie channels, it looked normal enough to Castiel. Innocently he spoke up, "What's wrong with the movie?"
"Nothing is wrong with it," Lucifer assured in soft tone.
"Are you kidding me?" Dean interjected. "It's totally about a chick that has to pick between two men, and who she does pick is her first love. All this bullshit about the power of love. Dude, you're being an ass, we're not watching this."
Hearing this, Castiel's head tilted and he shifted a questioning gaze onto his ex-boyfriend.
Lucifer merely shrugged nonchalantly as he met Castiel's eyes, "I thought you might like it."
A small pillow impacted with Lucifer's chest, courtesy of Dean's snap throw. On reflex Castiel nudged his knee against Dean in attempt to remind him to behave. Only afterwards, as Dean's leg pressed back against his own, did Castiel become fully aware of his actions and tried to lean his leg away from the detective. All to no avail, as Dean seemed to bodily lean in toward him and Castiel drew in and held his breath.
The scent of Dean's cologne filled his senses and Castiel's eyes drifted to a close.
"Give me the remote. I'll pick."
Dean's body jostled against Castiel's as he grasped for the remote - of which Lucifer kept conveniently out of reach. Castiel found himself leaning against Lucifer for support against Dean's pushing. The remote was held up high, and when Dean finally managed to snatch it away, the detective returned to his side of the couch while Lucifer casually lowered his arm to settle across Castiel's shoulders. Practiced fingertips grazed down the side of Castiel's neck, raising goose bumps in their wake, before resting on Castiel's shoulder.
With Dean's leg touching him from hip to knee on the one side, and the weight of Lucifer's arm over his shoulders, Castiel felt safe. After the last few days of operating on only a handful of hours of sleep, even as the two men beside him bickered with small comments, Castiel felt his mind begin to descend toward unconsciousness before an agreement could be made about what movie to watch.
"I had a feeling I would find you here."
Castiel's blue eyes roved once more over the creek babbling a few feet away from where he sat on a fallen trunk. Then he bowed his head, closed his eyes and brought his hands up to run through his dark hair. Behind him the stones of the bank crunched as Lucifer walked toward him. The sound stop somewhere just behind Castiel, but it wasn't close enough that Castiel could feel him standing there. There was distance enough between them to acknowledge that a wedge had been driven between them.
"You've always had a thing for the quiet serenity that only nature can provide," Lucifer's voice almost sounded apologetic, but it was a fleeting moment, because after a pause came the bite. "Which makes me confused about why you want to go to the city."
Castiel steepled his fingers in front of his face, setting his chin on his extended thumbs. It wasn't the first tiff they exchanged, but this was the first time Castiel had stomped out of their shared apartment with no say about where he was going or whether or not he was going to come back. He should have known that Lucifer would find him sooner rather than later. Castiel drew in a slow breath, steeling himself for a repeat of their earlier fight. "Because that is where the college is, Nick."
"But it's so far away."
"I already paid the tuition."
"And didn't tell me."
"I thought you'd be happy for me," Castiel growled as his eyes slit into a glare he kept directed on the pebbles beneath his sneakers. "You've known I wanted to do this since before graduation."
"Why can't you just come with me?"
"Why can't you come with me?"
Castiel didn't want to look, but he glanced over his shoulder before he could curb the urge to peek at Lucifer's face. He was frowning, and even though Lucifer was attempting to keep his expression steeled, Castiel could still read the hurt in those pale blue eyes.
"I won't stop you," Lucifer broke the silence as his hands slid into his pockets. On the outside he looked casual as ever, but Castiel knew the little signs, and while Lucifer could fool everyone with a calm expression, it was always the hands that gave away his true feelings. Hiding them revealed his nervousness; an uncertainty, a fear. "I'm just trying to understand."
"It's time I move forward, Nick."
"Without me?"
Castiel blinked as the realization finally struck him as to why Lucifer was so upset about him wanting to move across the country to go to school. He chuckled, much to Lucifer's chagrin as the blonde shot him a pissed look, but Castiel did little but give his boyfriend a crooked smile in response. "I'm not breaking up with you."
The agitation smoothed from Lucifer's features, "You're not?"
"No," Castiel's head tilted, a little confused to why Lucifer even thought that from the start. While it was true Castiel wasn't the best when it came to expressing his feelings, when he did say something, it was direct and didn't skirt around the topic. "I just want to go to college - to work toward something instead of feeling like I'm drifting toward nothing."
"So I can visit?"
"You can always apply too."
Lucifer nose wrinkled in distaste and for that, Castiel smiled.
Castiel jerked out of his light doze when he felt a hand wander along the inside of his thigh. It took a moment for Castiel's eyes to focus in the darkened living room. The television gave enough light for Castiel to recognize Dean's face, but not enough to bring light to the source of the intensity to the look the detective had keenly fixed on him. Dean's hand trailed a little higher. Castiel swallowed, unable to look anywhere but Dean's determined stare.
It was with a startling realization that he noticed that Lucifer was gone.
Castiel planted a hand on the empty section of couch to his left. It was with a small amount of a franticness that his eyes immediately scanned the room for sign of his ex with a strange need to have him there to prevent Dean's hands from wandering any further.
"He went to bed twenty minutes ago," Dean answered the question Castiel didn't voice.
As the detective pressed closer, and Castiel instinctively shrank downward until he rested on elbows. The dark haired man looked up at the one looming over him with no small amount of confusion. "Doesn't it bother you?"
"That you still have a thing for your ex?"
At least Dean wasn't oblivious to it, which in turn made Castiel feel guilty about not hiding it better. "Something along those lines, yes."
"Maybe I think you just haven't been given a good enough reason to forget about him."
"It's not that," Castiel continue to stare up at the man hovering over him. "I could never forget about him, because I know that no matter what, a part of me will always love him."
Dean's jaw tightened at the blunt admission, "Then why the hell am I even bothering with you."
It stung, but Castiel swallowed the welling hurt down. "Have you never loved someone?"
"Of course I have," Dean snapped on reflex, then after a second he retreated an inch with uncertainty. "Sort of. Maybe. Why does it matter?"
"Because you would know it's next to impossible to forget about someone you love."
The detective growled and hastily withdrew. Castiel caught him with a hand curling around his forearm, because even though he knew it was far from kosher to tell Dean that he still had feelings for his ex, Castiel didn't want to lie. He'd never been good at it. At least he had the foresight to know it was better to tell Dean the truth now before things really started between them. Dean needed to understand that if he wanted anything with Castiel, he would have to accept Lucifer too.
"I don't understand," Dean mumbled. "What are you getting at, Cas?"
"Nick will always be a part of me. Don't ask me to forget about him, because I don't want to forget. That doesn't mean I'm not ready for a change, to start something with someone else." Castiel's heart began to race and his words nervously wavered. "I want to know what you and I could have together.."
Dean had his cop face on, the stony exterior that masked his inner thoughts. Although the small crease between his brows gave away his confusion.
Castiel mentally scrambled to try and piece together what Dean might be thinking, "I mean, more than a fling. I guess I didn't stop to think that you might just want to have like a one night stand. I don't really - I mean I've never even done that so I guess it never crossed my mind. So if that's the case, I guess emotional availability never matter to you–"
Before Castiel could ramble himself off a metaphorical cliff, Dean had reached forward to clamp a hand over his mouth.
"Winchester."
Huh?
Castiel blinked wildly up at the detective, only to feel his chest deflate upon seeing Dean had shushed him so that he could answer his phone. Castiel flopped backwards and folded his arms over his face while Dean extracted himself from the couch to retreat to the kitchen to continue the call in privacy. Castiel was left to feel the part of a fool. It had never really crossed his mind that Dean wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship. It should have. Castiel wasn't really sure why that bothered him so much.
He pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes - stupid, stupid, stupid –
"Hey, uh, Cas."
"Mm?" Castial sat up as if nothing was wrong. "Yeah?"
"I gotta run."
Of course, Castiel lightly nodded to the detective while not quite meeting the other man's eyes. Dean was fleeing after Castiel had voiced wanting something more than just a quickie. Castiel didn't want to believe it, hoped against the obvious conclusion, but as he finally turned his face to fully regard the detective, the distance between them made the it all that much more clear. Dean was shifting his weight, and only taking Castiel in with a few side glances.
Avoidance.
"Sure," Castiel feigned nonchalance. "I'll see you at work?"
Dean lingered, his fingers picking at the back of the couch, but he said nothing before turning and seeing himself out. Castiel followed a moment later, feeling sick as he turned the locks on his door. He tried to tell himself it was for the best. It's not like he wanted to become invested in someone that wasn't interested in having anything more than a casual fuck. Maybe he was asking too much too soon, but Castiel didn't know what else he was suppose to do.
The t.v. was switched off and Castiel eyed the empty couch before wandering down the hall to peek into his bedroom. Sure enough Lucifer was stretched on the bed, his clothing strew across the floor as if he had been comfortably living there for years. It was painfully familiar, as was span of skin along Lucifer's back. The sheet had slipped down to pool around his ex-boyfriend's waist, giving Castiel a clear view of the wings tattooed down his back with the bottom tips of feathers reaching his buttocks.
It had taken hours to complete, and Castiel had sat with Lucifer during the whole process, and he distinctly remembered getting turned on as the tattoo was etched over Lucifer's backside.
Castiel closed his eyes, willing the memory away.
As quietly as possible Castiel crept toward the bed and reached for one of the unused pillows. The corner slid out from under Lucifer's head, which was unfortunately enough to stir the man toward consciousness. He turned toward Castiel, catching the end of the pillow. Castiel vainly held onto the opposite corner, tugging lightly in a silent plea for Lucifer to let go.
"Mmhat're you doing?" Came Lucifer's sleep-slurred question.
Castiel's jaw tightened, "I'm going to sleep on the couch."
Lucifer's brow creased as if to question why Castiel would do that, but he didn't bother with voicing it because in the end his reaction would be the same. He pulled the pillow back down, drawing Castiel closer to the edge of the bed in the process. "There's no need for you to do that."
Castiel could have let the pillow go, but he clung to the thin fabric all the same and allowed himself to be pulled closer. A part of him, and small part, didn't want to go where Lucifer's actions were obviously leading. However, the larger part of himself, wanted the comfort that he knew would come with being close to the man; just to once again have the feeling of arms wrapped around him and a warm body laying close to his own.
"Come to bed already."
Still clutching the end of the pillow, Castiel remained with just a knee pressed into the mattress in a half-hearted attempt to resist. Lucifer pulled the sheet and blanket back and Castiel damned himself for the way his eyes trailed down his boyfriend's body. Ex-boyfriend, Castiel kept trying to remind himself. Ex-boyfriend, and he was not allowed to jump into bed with his ex-boyfriend just because he was feeling lonely.
Even if the sight of Lucifer in only a pair of dark blue boxer-briefs made Castiel's pulse quicken.
"I shouldn't."
Lucifer let out a short laugh as he release the pillow and instead extended his reach to seize the tie dangling from Castiel's neck. Castiel pulled back just enough to be stubborn, but in the end he was drawn down onto the bed despite his weak protest. He stared into Lucifer's pale irises, silently pleading with him to stop. Lucifer paid the look little mind and slid loose the silken knot from Castiel's throat.
"Who says you shouldn't?"
A frown was added to Castiel's imploring features, "I know better, and you.. you can't just walk back into my life like nothing's changed."
Lucifer's gaze flicked up to Castiel's face, but the words didn't stop him from working on the buttons of Castiel's shirt. After three buttons came free, Castiel slid his hands over Lucifer's to stop him. "It still hurts - that you left."
"Then let me make it up to you," Lucifer's hand began to move, but Castiel tightened his grip to prevent it.
"No," And it twisted Castiel's heart to say it. "No. We've been doing this for.. a decade, Nick. It's always the same, and I always forgive you, but you just do it again and.. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to keep going through this pain."
"I've always valued your honesty," Lucifer murmured, his voice too low to distinguish the guarded emotion behind the tone.
"And I yours," Castiel whispered, closing his eyes because he could sense the forth coming judgment from Lucifer. With honestly came a harsh truth, and Lucifer had a way of speaking the words that Castiel only quietly wondered in the back of his mind. He brought those doubts forward and forced them to be acknowledged.
"But do you really think Dean is the way you want to go about this?"
Dean was a far-cry from being Lucifer, but maybe that was what made it appealing, because Dean wasn't Lucifer. Castiel wasn't looking to replacing his ex-boyfriend with a carbon copy. In order to change, he had to make different choices instead of picking the same things and expecting a different outcome. "I don't know... but it's my mistake to make."
"He's going to hurt you."
The casual certainty in which Lucifer stated the words, as if it was an undeniable fact, irked Castiel. "No more than you have."
Lucifer's hand shot to his throat, the pressure light to avoid chocking Castiel, but it was enough to tilt his head back into the pillow. Castiel didn't flinch. He knew Lucifer had a quick-fire trigger to his temper if the right buttons were pushed, but he also knew that Lucifer would never intentionally hurt him. He trusted the man, completely, and sometimes that was all he needed to be turned on.
Slender fingers curled around Lucifer's hipbones, pulling at the man's solid frame while Castiel turned toward him. The pull became a push as Castiel rolled on top of his ex-boyfriend, legs parting to straddle his waist. Their lips crushed together with a year's worth of hunger. Lucifer's fingers were making quick work of the rest of Castiel's shirt buttons. When he had it open, and half way down Castiel's arms, Lucifer flipped their position. Castiel found his arms trapped at his sides because of the shirt, but he didn't care as lips seared down the front of his chest. And while Lucifer's hands switched to work on his belt, Castiel pressed his head back into the sheets and closed his eyes. He wondered, faintly, if Lucifer had known all along that he would end up here in bed with him tonight.
Just tonight, he told himself, just tonight.
I was scared but once I thought about, I let it go
Everything she said to me I guess I ought to know
We're all tired talk when it comes to shove
Put up, put out or stay at home.
We'll never be the same, never feel this way again
I'd give you anything but you want pain.
A little water please, I taste you all over my teeth
Never again. Just tonight? Ok
Things to Know:
1.) There was suppose to be a lot more awkwardness during the movie, but Castiel has been running off of very little sleep and he once again ended up nodding off instead. What a spoil sport.
2.) Dean really did have to leave.
3.) Castiel feels really confused about what he wants. It's becoming clear he's use to having other people decide what he wants.
4.) Is there such a thing as break-up sex?
5.) The lyrics are from the song Just Tonight by Jimmy Eat World
6.) Totally broke 100 reviews, woot-woot!
A/N: Thanks for the response about the question I had last chapter! Very insightful, and very interesting to see the split in opinion. I do have Destiel as my endgame plan, so don't hate me too quickly for the end of this chapter. I can't find it in myself to make Castiel blindly hate Lucifer. Emotions are not so cut and dry as all that. It's a matter of hating and loving something at the same time. I will apologize about my lack of update. Phew, now that Gishwhes is over (anyone else participate?) and played through Halo 4 (what a let down!) I'm climbing back on the writing track.
Next Chapter: I'm totally about to turn your world upside down when I finally drop the plot bomb. Anyone have predictions?