Porcelain and Warm Honey
A/N
Hello again lovely people! It's been quite long... I found myself in quite a stuck phase where it was insanely hard for me to write... Anyway! I present to you chapter 10. Thank you again all for the sweet acknowledgments, I truly appreciate them, they all keep me motivated.
Sorry for mistakes! :)
Disclaimer: Not mine
Chapter 10
The silence was deafening. A cloud filled with different emotions, fell over the room, and in mere seconds the little hospital room tensed up. Blaine didn't know how to feel. He had always been kind. He was a dapper, gentleman, never holding a grudge and always sincere.
Now, though, he felt uneasy with the emotions making themselves aware inside him. He felt something clench, at the sight of the girl – the girl who had hurt Kurt so much in the last three months. He felt like taking Kurt in his arms, away from her, away from the pain she had coursed and… hurt her back? Blaine had never been vindictive, but in that moment the foreign feeling overwhelmed him, and he felt his shoulders tense even more, his eyes narrowing.
She took a few steps forward in the room looking like she wanted to say something, but couldn't find the words. Her gaze flickered between the two boys, her eyes maybe a bit curious, though wary. Her eyes would rest on Blaine for a second or two longer than Kurt, clearly trying to recognize him, though with no luck. For a moment she just stood there, looking helpless.
Eventually Kurt broke the silence, still looking shocked and uneasy, "Mercedes…"
He was dumbstruck, not really knowing what to say or do. At first he thought he had been hallucinating, but there she was, standing in the middle of the room, looking vulnerable and anxious, as she fidgeted with her hands in a nervous manner.
Then she looked like she was brazing herself, and looked up, meeting their eyes.
"Kurt," she said in a barely audible voice and smiled nervously, "I missed you white boy."
Her voice sounded hoarse and hesitant, something Kurt had never heard in Mercedes voice before. He just stared a bit, not knowing what to do, other than wait for her to speak.
Blaine just sat in the awkward silence, feeling like he was intruding something, "I, eh, can just…" he gestured for the door, but before he could even finish the sentence, Kurt grabbed his arm, almost desperately.
He just smiled weakly and made a small nod that only Kurt could see. He understood instantly. For that Kurt felt a rush of warmth and gratitude. As he looked at the curly-haired boy, something strong and warm inside him gathered up in his stomach, making him feel safer.
When both boys looked up, Mercedes' face had turned to something that looked like curiosity– or was it astonishment? – but it quickly changed back to the nervous, hesitant demeanor when their eyes met.
With a bit of a stronger voice this time, Kurt spoke. "What are you doing here, Mercedes?"
His voice didn't sound hostile or firm in any way, he just asked out of plain curiosity, like he honestly had no idea – which he didn't – and for some reason Blaine felt a pang of sadness in his chest. He had always known that Kurt didn't really have anybody, but hearing the cyan-eyed boy say it like that, like he didn't even expect it, made Blaine want to wrap his arms around him and never let go. It also made his stomach clench tighter.
Mercedes seemed go gather up her courage and let out a deep shaking breath before she spoke.
"Kurt, I am so, so sorry," she said and walked closer to the bed, "I… I don't know what to say other than I… I miss you so much and I am so very sorry for abandoning you like that, I… I feel more than terrible and you have every right to hate me."
Her voice was so sincere and soft, something Kurt again never had heard before. She looked at him with big, brown eyes, so sad and regretful, and really he had no idea what to say. Should he forgive her? Was he really angry? He had thought he had agreed with himself, that he didn't blame them for anything. It had really always been Blaine, who had clenched his jaw whenever he heard about his old friends. He looked at the curly-haired boy for some form of advice, but the sophomore just looked intensely at Mercedes, his features unreadable, even for Kurt.
Then he looked into the brown eyes, and he knew he really couldn't hold a grudge.
"It's- it's fine Mercedes, I don't hate you. I… I missed you too," he said in a small voice. Blaine snapped his head in Kurt's direction, face still unreadable, but clearly tense.
Mercedes, though, looked like she was about to cry with relief. "You have always been too kind, white boy," she said in a raspy voice, smiling a watery smile. She took a few hesitant steps forward, still seeming a bit nervous, probably because of Blaine and his tense stare. Kurt really didn't know what was wrong with him. Blaine was always up on his feet within the first seconds after meeting someone, and greeting them politely. This time though, the thought didn't even occur to him, it seemed.
Kurt squeezed his hand lightly. He blinked a few times before breaking his tense stare, and looked at Kurt softly, his whole demeanor changed. Kurt smiled a small smile that read 'you okay?' and Blaine just nodded once and looked at Mercedes again, this time his stare a tiny bit less tense.
He held out the hand that wasn't clutched by Kurt's, for Mercedes to take, though not standing up from the edge of the bed.
"I'm Blaine, nice to meet you," he said with a small smile, not exactly impolite, though nowhere near his usual overly charming self.
Mercedes smiled warily, and took the offered hand. "Mercedes. It's very nice to meet you, Blaine. Not sure if we've ever met?"
"No we haven't. I ran into Kurt once in the hospital once, about," he looked at Kurt, his eyes softening ever so slightly for a second, "two months ago? We've been pretty much inseparable ever since," Kurt noticed he emphasized the word 'inseparable' slightly, not knowing if the curly-haired teen did it on purpose or not, because Mercedes tensed visibly at his words.
"Blaine's dad's a doctor, my doctor actually," Kurt added trying to lighten the mood a bit.
Mercedes just nodded, again looking nervous. Kurt noticed the tension and hesitance in her demeanor and said in a soothing voice, slightly irritated with his best friend. "It's okay, Mercedes you can tell him all you tell me."
She nodded again.
"I… Kurt I just… I came here to say sorry, and to beg you to forgive me. And I know you say you don't blame me, but you should. I blame myself. And I'll make it up for you, I swear. I… I wanted to come every day, Kurt, but I just… I was so scared – and I know that of all people I shouldn't be, but I was. And… when my parents told me I wasn't obligated to come here, one day I listened. I was too scared and God, I feel so terrible, Kurt. I swear the last months I've just been gathering up courage to come, but I was so afraid that you would be as angry as I am…" her eyes were watery and her voice so genuine.
Kurt just smiled sadly. A part of him screamed that she was right, she had no business being scared, but the other – bigger – part understood. It was natural being scared, especially since she was so young.
"Well," he said, "I know I should be pissed, and maybe a part of me am, but I understand, Mercedes. Everyone was scared. And… maybe you didn't handle it too well, but really your parents are right. You didn't have an obligation to come here."
Kurt thought he heard a small huff from Blaine, but didn't comment on it, hoping Mercedes hadn't seen it.
Mercedes smiled now, more relieved and less tense. "I did, though. I do. So I promise I'll be here from now on, 'kay?"
Kurt nodded and felt his eyes getting damp and a lump formed in his throat. He really couldn't believe his life sometimes. First Blaine, and now Mercedes.
"So… should I just go now or…?"
"Oh, no, no you don't have to. Please stay," Kurt said, actually being genuine. He had really missed the girl.
He had almost forgotten about Blaine, who now stood up, letting go of his hand, still with that unreadable look in his eyes that reminded Kurt of Dr. Anderson, so unlike Blaine.
"I'll let you two catch up. I need to get going anyway," he looked Kurt in the eyes, again with that almost soft look and smiled a small smile, "I'll se you later, okay?"
Kurt just nodded and smiled a bit inquiring smile, though Blaine had already looked away, now looking in Mercedes' direction.
"It was nice to meet you, Mercedes. Guess I'll see you later, too?" he said, still with that stiff, almost monotone voice.
"Y-yeah," she stammered and smiled shyly.
He nodded politely once more before exiting the little room, leaving Kurt and Mercedes alone.
Kurt just sat there, confused. He didn't really know what had gotten into Blaine, but at the same time he felt warm inside at the thought that somebody actually cared for him. That was why Blaine had been so tense, right? He shook his head. He could think about that later. Right now he had his old best friend to reunite with.
"Sorry about him," he said dryly, "that really isn't like him at all. He really is a sweetie."
Kurt sat up straighter in the bed, gesticulating for his friend to sit down in Blaine's chair. Mercedes just smiled understandingly.
"He seemed nice, Kurt. I mean, he reacted better than I thought you would," she said still in calm, small voice, as she sat down.
Kurt just smiled back at her.
"So anyway, who is he, again? I was surprised to see you with company to be honest. And you two seemed… close," she talked in a bit smug voice, and Kurt could finally recognize his old best friends voice.
Kurt couldn't stop grinning, and he was sure he felt his cheeks warm up, though he didn't really know why.
"Well, like I said his father is a doctor here, and one day when Dr. Anderson was here, Carole came bursting in with this dork. Apparently Carole had a question and had to talk to Dr. Anderson outside. I think Carole did that on purpose, actually I think she pretty much admitted it to me once…" Kurt shook his head and rolled his eyes at her stepmother, still unable to fight of the ridiculous smile he wore, "anyway, we got introduced and we talked. He was nice, though at first I thought he was some snobbish preppie. Don't worry, though, he isn't at all! The next day he recognized me in the cafeteria and…" Kurt shrugged still smiling, "ever since we've been…" he was just about to say 'best friends' but remembered how he used to call Mercedes that, so he quickly changed his mind, "well, like Blaine said, inseparable."
He finished off and looked at Mercedes, who to just kept looking expectantly at him.
"Wait, so how did you get together?" she asked as if that was the most obvious thing in the world.
Kurt just frowned, and felt his cheeks getting hotter – God, why did they do that?!
"We-we aren't…" Kurt said, suddenly feeling uncomfortable, "we're just friends, Cedes."
Mercedes raised her eyebrows looking genuinely shocked, "Wait, so you aren't together? Why?"
Kurt just smiled sadly and shook his head in disbelief and the girls naivety, "Cedes, we both know it's not that easy…"
"Like hell it isn't that easy, come on, white boy, I thought you were better than this! He is hot! And don't tell me you're not head over heels!"
Kurt widened his eyes and huffed.
"Seriously? You're serious? Cedes, we can't… he'll… I'm… I'm sick! He couldn't be with me!" He said and looked at the girl as if that was the most obvious fact in the world.
Mercedes just kept looking at him as if he was crazy, but then her features softened and she took his hand. His eyes suddenly felt stingy and he stubbornly fought against the tears, again having no clue as to why he reacted so strongly to everything at the moment.
"Kurt… Of course you can be with him. It can be that easy. Your illness doesn't keep you from having a real life. It doesn't define you. I think… I think you're keeping yourself from the happiness, because you are too afraid of loosing it again," her voice was soft.
He just shook his head lightly. He had been over this in his head. He was stubborn.
"Mercedes, I can't risk it. Don't you see how much I could hurt him? I… I couldn't."
Mercedes sighed.
"You do like him, though, don't you?" she asked with a sad voice.
Kurt just shook his head again stubbornly, "It doesn't matter Cedes. He's my friend. Besides, you couldn't honestly say that he could like me, anyway."
He shrugged as if the thought didn't hunt him every day.
Mercedes just looked at him with wide eyes, but shook her head, "Kurt sweetie, I don't want to discuss this with you, I feel like we should talk about something else, since it's been months, and I really don't wanna argue, but please believe me, that that boy is as head over heals for you as you are for him. I saw the way he looked at you."
Kurt just shook his head, but agreed not to argue anymore. He was too afraid that Mercedes would convince him in the end.
"So, how's everyone?" he asked and shook Blaine off his thoughts – ignoring the fact that that was pretty much impossible.
Mercedes smiled sadly, seemingly distracted. "They all misses you like crazy. And they are all just as sorry as I am. I just figured you didn't want all of us come bursting in, so I went alone. They all really want to come though," she said and looked hopeful.
Kurt smiled and felt the warmth spread trough his body. Could this be real? Had they really missed him?
"I… wow, I can't believe this is really happening," he said and shook his head lightly in disbelief, "of course they can come. They can all come. Of course!"
Mercedes smiled brightly.
"So how is McKinley, anyway? Rachel still awful?"
At that Mercedes jumped into a long, eager story about just how annoying she indeed still was. Kurt just smiled lightheaded, sucking in all the information about his old school as he could, and thinking that yes, life could suck ass, but moments like this made everything worth it sometimes.
…
The loud smash echoed in the empty gym hall, every time Blaine hit the punching bag. And every time his hands hit with the bag, a relieving pain would shoot through his punching gloves and his fingers, making him punch even harder.
After he had driven back from the hospital (with the music so loud, that it was impossible for him to think) he had gone straight to the gym (he decided he didn't want to go home that weekend after all, since he desperately needed a punching bag, and fortunately he had come just before curfew, not that anyone ever took that serious) and thrown on his Dalton fight club shorts, though not bothering to put on a shirt. He didn't know why he felt so aggravated, just that he needed to get it out. He could think later.
Eventually though, he sat down on the floor against the wall, panting and with a throbbing pain in his hands. He took off his gloves and tossed them carelessly aside as he rested his head on the wall.
As soon as his breathing came back so did his thoughts making him close his eyes and sigh. He felt terrible for being so upset. He didn't like to hold a grudge. He didn't like to judge people without really knowing them. He hated feeling like a bad person.
But really, what could you expect. He really cared about Kurt. Loved him, even though he found it easier not think about it – he didn't know how to keep himself from blurting everything out, or just get up and kiss the boy, if he did – so wasn't it obvious that the girl that had caused him so much pain, made Blaine upset? He had heard about Mercedes, from Kurt a lot. Blaine knew Kurt never blamed his old friends, but the hurt in his eyes was still clear to Blaine, and honestly, Blaine hated how easy Kurt just accepted Mercedes. After everything… Sure, Mercedes obviously regretted it, but she still deserved it. She had abandoned her best friend with Osteosarcoma. She had been so, very selfish and weak.
Blaine sighed again, this time more frustrated. But he knew not everyone was as strong as Kurt. He couldn't expect people to be. Mercedes was only human. Humans are selfish and weak sometimes, and they can't do anything about it. They fuck up now and then. Everyone does.
He was selfish right now, too, and he knew it. No matter how much he denied it, he knew that, really, he was afraid of Kurt prioritizing someone over him. Especially his old friends… He was just so used to being the only one Kurt trusted and… had. Of course he wanted Kurt to have everything and everyone he wanted, but he was scared that, in the end, he would find out, that Blaine wasn't really as perfect as he thought.
Blaine slowly stood from the floor, still with a strange feeling in his body he was yet to place. He made his way to the showers, though he felt so misplaced, like he should be somewhere else, like there was something that needed to be done. He just didn't know what.
When Blaine came trotting back into Dalton's cafeteria that afternoon, all he wanted to do, was crawl into bed and stay there forever, weirdly exhausted, but those plans were cancelled when he heard a familiar, charming voice call his name. And as expected, there was Sebastian with his friendly, gorgeous smile, though still with that smirk in his eyes, that he always wore. Blaine felt uneasy, like he was missing something, when looking into the green, charming eyes.
He shook his head mindlessly. He really was lightheaded right now.
He tried to pull himself together a bit, mastering a genuine smile and approached the table, which was empty except for Sebastian. He greeted the boy, who immediately gestured for him to sit, and Blaine figured that, maybe he just needed a friend right now, someone who didn't know him as well as Wes and David.
"Well, hello Blaine," Sebastian said as Blaine sat down, still pretty exhausted. "You look awful. Gorgeous, of course, but awful."
Blaine just smiled slightly, ignoring Sebastian's sneaky compliment, and nodded. "Yeah, long day, I guess…"
Sebastian just folded his hand on the table, looking at Blaine with friendly eyes.
"Well, care to share? I'm dangerously bored right now, so please, humor me."
Blaine scoffed. "It's not very humorous, I'm afraid."
At that Sebastian's eyes got bigger, more empathetic. "You know you can talk to me if something's bothering you right? I know you don't me very well, but… you can trust me."
Blaine got that strange feeling inside him again, like when he was trying to remember the lyrics to a song, but just couldn't. He shook it off, though, and… told Sebastian pretty much everything. Really he surprised himself, as the words just spilled, but once he started, he couldn't find the ability to stop. He told him about his father, about the hospital and about Kurt. How he had been visiting the hospital for so long now, how he was his best friend. How he was so much more than that to him. And he told him about Mercedes and Kurt's other friends, not quite being able to suppress the bitterness in his voice. He told him everything, not realizing the nagging feeling in his chest before he was done. Again he ignored the uneasy feeling, that told him something was off. He really needed to sleep and clear his head and body for these strange unrecognizable feelings.
Sebastian just looked at him oddly, at first looking quite shocked, then he looked as if he had just had a brilliant idea, and then his eyes got more empathic and understanding.
"Wauw…" he said silently, "that was quite a story, yeah."
Blaine just inhaled and looked down at his hands, about to apologize for being so abrupt, certain he had just scared away his new friend. But then he felt a hand on his own.
"Blaine, I get it. It's okay to feel angry sometimes. You know, it really wasn't cool. He didn't even think about how you may have felt. That was a sore spot and he knew that."
Blaine almost felt the urge to cringe. He didn't like how Sebastian was talking about Kurt, but his words got to him. That was that gnawing feeling inside him. Next to the guilt. Anger. It had been so long since he had let himself feel again, actually he was still struggling with it, and he had almost forgot the sensation in his body. He really couldn't decide why he was angry he just knew that he was. Because of Mercedes? Because of Sebastian talking that way about Kurt? Because of his crappy situation: being in love with someone he could lose so easily? Maybe it was just all of it.
He didn't know what he was doing. He really wasn't. He just still had that nagging feeling that something needed to be done, he just didn't know what it was. And Sebastian had told him this might help. He knew he shouldn't be on his way to the hospital, not in this strange condition, but it was like his body was moving without permission from his mind. Or was it really the other way around? Either way he suddenly found himself in Kurt's familiar room. He breathed out in relief when he saw that Mercedes was gone.
Kurt smiled inquiring, sensing Blaine's strange mood as soon as he saw him.
"Hey you… where did you go? You didn't get to really meet Mercedes. She just went home."
"Oh shame, huh?" Blaine didn't sound like himself. His voice was monotone and dripping with irony, something very much unlike Blaine, and Kurt instantly noticed. He flinched at the comment and looked even more like one big question.
"What's wrong?" Kurt's voice was soft but a bit cold.
"What's wrong?" Blaine said too loud for his own liking, but he couldn't stop himself, "what's wrong is that that's the girl who's been ignoring for three freaking months, Kurt, while you had cancer, and you're just letting her slip right in again? All those people, Kurt! They've abandoned you, all while I took care of you. Me. They don't deserve forgiveness, Kurt, you must have that bit of self-respect left to know!"
Kurt looked taken aback. Then downright confused. Then disbelieving. Then pissed.
"Okay, Blaine I don't know what your problem is, or why you suddenly decide to throw all this on me, but I'm pretty sure I'm the one who knows my friends best. And I can take care of myself, thank you."
Blaine had never heard Kurt's voice so cold, but it made something in his stomach churn uncomfortably. He could hear a quiet voice inside him screaming to stop, not to piss Kurt more of, cause really he didn't deserve any of this, but for an unknown reason he didn't.
"Do you honestly believe that?" he snapped.
"I do as a matter of fact."
Blaine just scoffed aggressively, as if just to start a fight.
"Blaine do you have fucking cancer? Do you have to sit in this damn hospital every freaking day, and die out of boredom, and drug yourself with all of these different chemicals that are supposedly able to make you feel better when all they do is make me feel like crap? Have you ever been in so much pain, that you literally would rather die?" Kurt stood up from the bed now, looking furious, "No! I have. I do. Not everyone can have your perfect, prep school life, Blaine, but that doesn't make them helpless." His voice lowered again, but still looked sternly at Blaine.
Blaine just scoffed again. "You're not the only one who has an oh-so-tragic life Kurt."
At that Kurt's eyes widened, and started almost bored as he asked, "Are you talking about yourself, Blaine?"
"I do, as a matter of fact," Blaine mocked back.
Kurt just let out a sound somewhere between a scoff and laugh.
"Tell me Kurt, if you wasn't so helpless, why the hell did I have to go to your father, to ask him to get you out of this prison? Why did I have to go to my father, to beg him to talk to the principal at Dalton, to get a scholarship to you? Don't you think that just because you don't say anything I don't see it? How you are miserable, but can't ask you father to get discharged cause you don't have the strength? I did that. I took care of you. I l-" Blaine stopped abruptly, stopping himself in the last second. It really didn't matter anyway, though, cause it looked like Kurt had frozen midway Blaine's speech, with an unreadable look on his face. And then all he had just said to Kurt hit him.
Blaine took a step back, shocked. Did that just happen? Without thinking he just turned on his heel, and got away of there as quickly as possibly. He needed to get away.
As soon as he was placed in his car he felt something heavy in the pit of his stomach, and for a second he was positive, he was about to puke. He rested his forehead on the steering wheel and breathed heavily. The heavy mass in his stomach kept churning, and it was as if it got sharper for every second, and that soon it would cut its way through him, eating him alive. Guilt. Part of him wanted to run up to Kurt to apologize profusely, to not leave without forgiveness. That was probably what he should do. But he didn't. Of course. He just drove. Whereto he didn't know. He just drove.
Hours later, Blaine sat in his dorm. It was late. Too late. He had forgotten about time completely and was for once thankful for his fathers and the headmaster's relationship, cause he had all but forgotten about curfew. The tears on his cheeks were dried by now. He wondered if there were any left in him. He had been driving for… he didn't know. He didn't care. He felt empty. It wasn't just because of Kurt, though the guilt didn't do much good for him now. He just felt so confused all over again. It was like someone had erased all is progress and made him a 15-year-old again. And he didn't know what to do.
Next to him, in the other bed in the room, did Jeff, his roommate, stir and mumble in his sleep, sensing the light in the room. Blaine had forgotten about that too. He was just about to turn off the light, but found out it was tool late, when he heard Jeff grumble from his bed.
"What' hap'ing, Blaine?"
Blaine shook his head and answered with a monotone voice. "Nothing Jeff, just go back to sleep, I'm sorry."
At that Jeff grumbled a little more, shifting a bit in his bed before apparently making up his mind and slowly sitting up.
"God, Blaine this better be damn good because I was having a very – yawn – pleasant dream there. What's up?" Jeff asked, voice thick and rough with sleep.
"I just said… nothing," Blaine asked though he knew it was in vain.
"Blaine. What's up?"
"I… Jeff I feel so… confused." And he told him everything. About Kurt and his confusion and Sebastian. How he felt exhausted, but didn't know how to make it go away. Didn't know why. And when he was done, Jeff instantly called the three other guys, and then he told them everything one more time, and all four of them just all stayed up and talked. And though Blaine didn't necessarily felt less exhausted the other day, and he still felt like something was undone, he felt more cared for than ever.
All of them advised him to go to Kurt that same moment to apologize, but he was scared. He had been a complete ass. What if Kurt hated him? What if he didn't want Blaine as a friend after all, since he now had all of his old ones back? And even after all his friends' cooing and soothing words that no way that Kurt kid would do that, the fear still hung over him like a dark cloud that wouldn't go away.
When he saw Sebastian approaching that Saturday, he felt a twist in his stomach of discomfort. He had hoped the boy had gone home for the weekend to be honest. When he saw him he just felt a strange flooding in his body, and he suddenly just felt the urge to punch him. He remembered so clearly the hurt in Kurt's face behind its façade of anger. He heard Sebastian's words in the back of his head. "You know maybe you just need to get it out. Tell him this is the limit."
Still though he didn't stop Sebastian when he started talking animatedly, and he smiled politely and tried to take part in the conversation even though he was distracted. After all, this couldn't be Sebastian's fault, right? It had been him who was so stupid and took a crappy advice and ruined everything, and now he was too much of a coward to go and make it right. But when Sebastian slowly started questioning about Kurt and how everything went, Blaine had to shake his head, excuse himself and go away, because the flooding in his veins became too much, as did the exhaustion.
So he did what he did best when he was confused or upset. He went for a run.
It was cold for a day in late April, but he voted against wearing a hoodie, since it would be too warm eventually. So he put on his usual t-shirt and shorts and ran. It had been pretty long since he had run, and he had almost forgotten the relieving sensation in his body as his muscles flexed and worked together. In the back of his head he thought about the magical place he had found for what seemed to be so long ago. So much had happened since then and he hadn't even thought about finding it again, but that day he had. So he ran in the direction he thought he remembered. He ran and ran, trying to remember the woods from back in March, but couldn't. Frustrated he kept running, but no matter how far in the forest he came he couldn't find the beautiful lake and the big oak tree. Had he been dreaming? Was it all just something he had made up in his mind? He shook his head and stopped abruptly. He was panting and his entire body ached, but he barely noticed. Once again he shook his head and hid it in his hands. And gave up.
This time he had remembered where he had been running, so he quickly found his way home. As he half walked half ran home, he thought that maybe that was the problem. He had been thinking, acknowledged where he was going. But once again he shook his head. Maybe it really just had been a dream.
…
In the next following days what felt like the entire glee club came to visit, though mostly one or two at the time. Kurt felt overwhelmed. In a good way, he ensured himself. All of them seemed genuinely sorry and Kurt welcomed them all back with open arms. He really had missed all his girlfriends, he discovered after talking with Tina and Mercedes for hours one day.
Still Blaine's words kept nagging him in the back of his head. Or was it just what had happened? Honestly he felt like something was missing. He would be lying if he said he didn't instinctively turn his head to the door every time he heard a knock and get disappointed when he didn't see Blaine there standing with his wry smile and shining eyes that made Kurt positive, he could spent his whole life just staring into them and never get tired.
After his and Mercedes' brief conversation about Blaine, though, he hadn't mentioned him to any of his friends, and Mercedes fortunately hadn't spilled, it seemed. And if they sensed something was wrong with Kurt – when he pretty often would go silent or he would suddenly look extremely sad or in pain – they didn't mention it probably thinking it was caused by his condition, and Kurt was for once happy that his disease could be for any use after all.
He still didn't know what the hell had happened really. If he hadn't known better he would be sure Blaine had been drunk, cause he had never seen him that way, ever. So mocking and annoyed. It made Kurt's insides clench with pain, 'cause Kurt saw right through that, right into his pain and confusion. He just had no idea why, and he ached to ask him, but whenever he was about to pick up the phone, something stopped him. A voice inside his head saying that maybe that was the inevitable thing he had always known would happen.
Maybe that was Blaine's was of saying he couldn't do this anymore, couldn't be friends with Kurt. Because like his old friends Kurt fully understood that. He was scared. Frightened of losing him, and his entire body physically pained at the thought of not having him around, but on the other hand he had seen it coming. Ever since regionals something had changed. Blaine would sometimes hesitant or stop himself in the middle of a sentence. He wouldn't scoot as close to Kurt as he used to, and his body would stiffen slightly when Kurt would place his head on his shoulder.
Still, what he didn't understand was what Blaine had said – well, yelled – just before disappearing. If Blaine were pulling away, why would he beg his and Kurt's dad to let him go to Dalton? Out of pity? That didn't sound like something Blaine would do. Maybe he had lied. He didn't have much experience when it came to fights with Blaine, but it still didn't occur to him that lying was something Blaine would do while arguing.
He knew whom he had to ask, though.
…
"Excuse me, Dr. Anderson?"
James looked up from where he was working with some charts and smiled warmly when he saw Burt Hummel stand in the doorway.
"Hello Mr. Hummel, I was just thinking about you. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I actually came to talk to you. About my son. And yours for that matter."
James raised an inquiring eyebrow and laid his charts down to give Burt his full attention.
"Oh, yes, Mr. Hummel, actually I wanted to talk to you too, and apologize profusely for my son's behavior. I never knew he would come and be so inappropriate in your own house, and if I did, I can assure you I would have stopped him instantly."
"Oh, no, actually, it helped me. I eh, have done a lot of thinking after your son's visit and… I wanted to talk to you about possibilities, Dr.," Burt said hesitantly, "I don't know how much Blaine told you, but I would like to know… Can Kurt get discharged without it being too risky?"
James nodded slowly and smiled slightly. "Mr. Hummel your son's condition has improved in a way I have never seen before. Since the last surgery the tumor have been shrinking more than we could hope for. The medicine is working. His seizures have increased visibly, and he seems to feel better in general. If things continue to go in this direction, and luck is with us, I am in my right to believe that the tumor will be as good as gone in the next year to come. I was just on my way to tell you right now, actually."
Burt gaped at him, not believing what he had just heard, "Dr. Anderson, I… I can't believe this. Are you sure?"
James smiled warmly. "It's James. And I'm positive. We can't promise anything yet, of course, but things are looking bright."
Burt inhaled sharply and resisted the urge to hug the man.
"James. I can't tell you how thankful I am," he said, his voice thick.
"Oh but for what?" James chuckled, " this is not something I can take the honor for, I'm afraid."
Burt just shook his head. "I mean for everything. You've helped me more than I can ever thank you enough for. Kurt's too long stay, the bills that comes too rarely. Surely you can't be innocent. And of course I will pay you back for all the bills that never came, James, I can't accept that."
James just smiled wryly, this time more genuine than Burt had ever seen since meeting him.
"Burt, I don't think I've told you this, but you would never have to thank me. I should be the one thanking. You might not know it, but your wife helped me from a very dark phase in my life. She is a wonderful woman, that Carole," James said silently. "And your son saved mine, something I couldn't. That is the one thing I can never pay you back for. Now I'm not very good at thanking or saying sorry, but please Burt, take what I can give you. I can give your son full protection. I have a scholarship to Dalton if you're interested. I can have a team there, ready to help if something is to happen. I can have the teachers understand his situation and make up for lost school time. I know that Blaine will protect him. People will accept him there."
Burt had lost the ability to talk. Without stopping and thinking about how inappropriate it was, he went over and hugged James unexpectedly. James just patted his back and smiled. He pulled away and looked at the man with nothing but gratitude in his eyes.
"Thank you, James. Thank you so much."
"It's nothing."
Burt just shook his head and added smugly. "You know, I think your son saved mine, too. He's just too oblivious to know yet."
At that James smiled. "I just might think the same thing, Burt."
"Well I guess I'll have some news to tell to Kurt, then," Burt said and smiled one last smile, "really, James, I owe you everything, just know that."
James just smiled.
"Oh, and Burt!"
Burt turned around from where he stood in the doorway on his way out.
"Don't you dare give me back the money."
…
"Dad?" Kurt's voice sounded almost fragile. Burt just turned his head from where he sat in Blaine's chair. It was late noon, and his dad had probably just gotten off from work.
"Yeah kiddo?"
He took a deep breath. "Have… did… I was just… have you… spoken with Blaine?"
Burt frowned clearly confused. "Eh, I've talked to him yeah, something's wrong? He's always here in the weekends."
Kurt flinched slightly at the thought, but ignored the question. "Have he ever…? Look Dad I know this sounds silly, but… did he…"
"Asked me if you could get out of here, please?"
Kurt's eyes widened at the interruption. "But… how…?"
"That kid cares for you more than you think, son. He's a good guy," Burt said and placed an arm on his shoulder in comfort. Kurt just flinched as he thought back to the so meaningless, but so hurtful fight. Burt frowned.
"Something is wrong, huh? You know you can tell me, right son?"
Kurt just nodded silently and shrugged. "It's fine, really, just a pointless discussion is all."
"I can tell it's nagging you. Did he say something…?"
"No Dad, not something that I didn't either."
Burt just frowned again – Kurt was seriously worried that the wrinkles in his forehead would get stuck or something – then squeezed his shoulder lightly before letting it go.
"Well, relationships can be that way, sometimes…"
"Relationship? It's not like we're boyfriends or anything."
At that Burt felt genuinely confused. "Wait… you two aren't…?
"No Dad, we aren't. When will people get that? We couldn't!" Kurt suddenly sounded aggressive. He was just so tired of that question.
"Okay, okay, son, it's your choice, of course, but… you know that's silly, right? Of course you can…"
Kurt just shook his head, too tired to discuss this again, to discuss anything right now.
"But, son… I eh, I actually did wanted to talk to you. I was just… it took me some time, but… I went and talked to Dr. Anderson. About getting discharged. Kurt, is that something you want?"
Kurt just looked a bit startled at his father, shocked. He felt dizzy. What?
"Dad… not if you don't feel safe, I-"
"But is it something that you want, Kurt? Would you want it if I wasn't here?"
Kurt flinched at the thought but then nodded slightly and looked down, almost looking guilty.
"Yes."
Burt nodded slowly. Kurt's stomach twisted uncomfortably.
"Well, if that's something you want… I won't stop you anymore, son."
"Are… are you for real?" Kurt asked and felt like all the air had been knocked out of his lungs.
"Kurt, I've not been fair. I've been selfish, and for that I'm horribly sorry. I guess I've just convinced myself that this way you're safe, but from what? Life? It wasn't until Blaine came and opened my eyes that I really realized that I was so wrong. I shouldn't force you to be stuck in a hospital. It's your choice. So, as said, I talked to Dr. Anderson, and he said it was very much possible-"
Kurt let out a small gasp, before his dad could even finish and flung himself on the man, holding back his tears. Or tried to, anyway.
"Thank you Dad, "he almost sobbed into the older mans flannel shirt, "thank you so much!"
He could feel his father's body vibrate with laughter as he too hugged his son into his chest.
"But wait, wait son there's more," he grumbled still chuckling.
Kurt just sat back on the edge if the bed, looking absolutely mind blown. More? His eyes were big and shining, and his cheeks were suddenly flushed in a pink color. For a moment Burt looked taken aback and, for a second, it looked like he was about to cry, too.
"Kurt, again, it is up to you, but about what school you'll attend… Son, I wouldn't like you to go back to McKinley, I hope you understand that. I know you weren't accepted there, and those bullies could hurt you again," he said face deadly serious. Kurt nodded, but still felt his stomach sink slowly. He had known of course. Even if his friends were coming back, he didn't trust them completely again. "So Kurt, Dr. Anderson told me about a scholarship to Dalton he could get you. It was Blaine's idea, actually. Like I said, it is still up to you, but I really wish for you to go to Dalton. I would feel safe knowing you were there with Blaine."
Kurt felt dizzy again, this time probably because of the thousand different feelings that had come and left his body in the last half hour. How was it that all these amazing things happened to him so suddenly? Blaine, his friends, the visibly better health… Blaine. Was life trying to make up for those worst three months of his life? Or was it just sheer luck? All he could do right then, though, was just to nod clumsily as tears escaped his eyes once again, forgetting completely about his and Blaine's stupid argument. He would fix it. He could.
"I would love to go to Dalton, Dad. Love to!"
His dad just smiled the biggest smile that Kurt had ever seen and once again hugged him so close.
"Dad, I… I just want you to know that I really don't know what I would do without you," he mumbled into Burt's chest, "you may not know it, but you are the best dad ever."
Burt chuckled and looked into his son's sincere eyes, so big and blue and shining with tears.
"I love you, son, know that."
"I love you, too, Dad. So much!"
…
The next days felt like torture for Blaine. He felt like a part of him was missing and felt incredibly pathetic because of that. He had lost count of all the times he had reached for his phone to write something funny that had happened in Warblers practice, or how he hated homework or simply just because he missed him and wanted to talk to him in some way. He loved his friends but Kurt… well, Kurt was Kurt, and they knew that.
Well, all except from Sebastian. He had grown accustomed to his newest friend company by the next days in the week. He was nice in some ways. And really charming. And flirty. Very, very flirty, Blaine discovered. But he found it okay. He had never tried to get flirted with by other boys – girls was a whole other matter, of course – and he understood that that was just Sebastian way of being friendly. Right? So Blaine let him talk, and answered sometimes. One thing he really liked with Sebastian was that he never noticed how Blaine would complete blank out of a conversation and never questioned it if he did, either because he understood or because he just didn't care. Blaine found himself being indifferent to the answer.
"Okay, Blainers it's time for a Kurtvention!"
Blaine just looked up from the book he was reading, bored.
"No thank you Wes," he answered dryly as he saw the four boys approach him, not in the mood for their excited child-like personalities right now, "and I'm pretty sure 'vention' is when you want to get rid of someone."
"Did you really think that was an offer?" Wes just answered and sat down in front of him, by the little table in the library, ignoring his latter comment completely. The other boys followed his example quickly.
"Look guys, I love you, but not right now, please? I need to study- Hey!" He exclaimed when Wes took his book from him and shut it close in front of his face. "I was reading that!"
"Like you were actually reading," Wes said rolling his eyes, achieving an annoyed scoff from Blaine.
"Blaine stop being so miserable and tell us, please? Is that Kurt thing still nagging you?" David said, his voice much gentler than Wes'. Blaine didn't know which was more annoying.
"Guys please, not again," Blaine almost whined.
They all just stared at him in return, with that you-know-we-aren't-leaving-until-we-get-an-explanation-expressions on their faces.
"Of course it's still nagging me, what do you think!? I was a jerk to him. A complete, utter jerk!" he exclaimed suddenly aggressive.
"So why the hell haven't you been to apologize yet? It's Tuesday, Blaine, this all happened last Friday!"
"Because I'm scared he still hates me!" he almost yelled, causing a dirty look from the old librarian that was just passing by with a book in her hand. In a quieter voice he continued, "I said stuff to him… things that aren't okay. And… I told him about the conversation I had with his dad," he mumbled.
"So you told him you loved him?!" Jeff asked excitedly. He had always been rooting for them.
"No, Jeff, I was about to, but then his entire face changed. He thinks I see him like a child who can't take care of himself. I pretty much said that to his face! How could he possibly forgive me…"
"No, Blainers, that's not what's getting to you, right?" Wes said slowly, "You're afraid that he has forgiven you too quickly and you'll feel like his old friends. It's that isn't it?"
Once again Blaine felt shocked and kind of impressed, but most of all annoyed, at how well his friends, especially Wes, knew him. When he didn't answer and got that puppy-like expression on his face they knew Wes had been right.
"Blaine, you aren't his friends, you know that," David said slowly and looked at him with a serious look in his eyes, a look that Blaine quickly dodged.
"What if I am? I mean I'm just as scared as any of them. I can't tell him I love him, mostly because he doesn't love me back, but too because I'm terrified for the outcome."
"But you never left, Blaine," he answered, "the only way you can end up becoming them is if your fright keeps you away."
At that Blaine looked up, hope starting to rise in his eyes.
He took a deep breath and shook his head lightly as if to clear his head, "I… have to go," he stammered.
He quickly packed his stuff – or well, threw his books and notes in his bag – before rushing out. Before stepping out of the library, though, he turned around and looked at his pocket watch. "I love you guys! Hope I can trust you'll cover for me, right?"
"You got it, brother!" Wes just answered, in the middle of something that could look like a victory dance, though to normal people he pretty much just looked like he had squirrels in his pants or something.
David just rolled his eyes and nodded, while Jeff and Nick high-fived. His friends were such dorks. But God, did he love them.
A/N I don't really know why I keep making this authors note in the end, but I just wanted to ask you again, please leave a review or anything, it would be amazing! Like I said, they all motivate me to keep writing this story :D
So, until next time, hopefully!