I don't own R and I
AN: Thank you all once again for some of the wonderful, amazing reviews you've given me. I truly hope I don't ever disappoint…..I want to say a special thank you to Suomynona. I was unable to send you a personal thank you for your review because your profile does not allow it. However, it was important for me to let you know how much I appreciated your words and feedback. I am extremely humbled by them and wanted you to know that they had a significant impact on me. Thank you again. Now on to the story…..
Chapter 10: Everybody's Fool (Evanescence)
After Cavanaugh's blowup, Jane decided to make herself scarce from the office. She thought about going back down to the morgue to see Maura but knew that Maura had an autopsy scheduled for late in the afternoon. Plus, she knew that they both were anticipating 'the talk' and she really preferred that it not happen at work, but rather in the privacy of one of their homes. Jane ran by her apartment to take a quick shower and change her blood splattered clothes before heading to see the one person that could help, the one person that could provide Jane answers on how best to protect Maura…..Paddy Doyle. But first, she had to see Lisa and hopefully convince her to approve the visit to Doyle.
Jane entered the District Attorney's Office and walked right past the receptionist, making a beeline to Lisa's office. "Excuse me detective, please wait….you can't just go barging into Ms. Kennedy's office." The receptionist yelled out as Jane defiantly continued down the hallway towards Lisa's office.
"Watch me." Jane said over her shoulder to the receptionist that was hot on her heels. She made it to the big corner office at the end of the corridor and entered the open door. Jane stopped abruptly which almost caused the receptionist to run smack into the back of her.
Lisa was on the phone. She raised her index finger up in the universal sign that said 'one moment' to Jane. Lisa concluded her phone call before addressing Jane. The receptionist spoke first instead, "ma'am, I'm sorry but she just flew right past me back to your office and I couldn't get her to stop."
"That's alright Holly, thank you." Lisa responded to the receptionist, effectively dismissing her. She returned her gaze to Jane, "Yes?"
Jane stood in front of Lisa's desk with her arms crossed. She was still angry with Lisa for confronting Maura earlier and Jane's defensive posture let Lisa know that up front. "I need to see Doyle."
"Not possible…..sorry." Lisa had figured this was coming so she didn't need to contemplate Jane's request.
"Lisa, please…I have to see him….I need to know who's coming after Maura…..who his enemies are…before Maura's identity gets out to the general public. By the time the information hits the streets, it could be too late…someone could get to her."
Lisa remained silent but continued to stare at Jane. There was a part of her that regretted ever getting involved with the hot headed detective. But the other part of her….the bigger part, wanted Jane in a way that she had never wanted anything in her life. She wanted to possess Jane….mind…..body…and soul. Nothing less would do.
Jane's impatience grew as Lisa remained silent. "Lisa, if you care about me…at all…you'll let me see Doyle." Jane hoped that her statement would pull at Lisa's heartstrings…if she had any.
After a long sigh, Lisa finally answered. "Fine, but I'm going with you and you'll have to talk with him in my presence."
"Okay, whatever, I just need to see him…now." Jane knew that Lisa held all the cards so she had no choice but to compromise.
Jane and Lisa arrived at the city's detention facility. Jane hoped that her day didn't get any worse by running into that asshole Warden Price, a prior defense attorney that Jane had went up against in several murder trials. Price lost each time and apparently was a sore loser….. and, held a grudge. Jane had to go through full security, but not Lisa. Unbelievable! Damn attorneys all stick together!
As Jane entered the inmate visitation area of the jail, she immediately made eye contact with Paddy Doyle. He was sitting on the opposite side of the thick glass wall that separated them. Jane sat down in the chair and picked up the phone to her left so she could communicate with Doyle. Doyle mirrored Jane's actions by picking up his own phone. Lisa was standing behind Jane. She would be able to hear Jane's part of the conversation but hopefully not Doyle's. She wondered how well Lisa would be able to read his lips…..not well, she hoped.
Paddy Doyle and Jane stared at each other briefly before Doyle opened up the conversation. "Detective Rizzoli, I had a feeling that you would be paying me a visit."
Jane used her peripheral vision to determine just how close Lisa was to her before she looked back at Doyle and spoke her first words. "It's gonna get out that you're Maura's father."
"I know." Doyle simply responded. A long pause ensued.
Jane's frustration started to grow. Doyle was not exactly providing her a plethora of information. "So, how do I protect her? Who's coming after her?"
"Unfortunately, you can't protect her. The list of my enemies is long and distinguished. With me locked up, they will get to her. They will use her to get to me….to destroy me… financially, emotionally, and physically." Doyle's eyes bore into Jane's as he spoke. He was being very direct with her. He needed her to understand the direness of the situation…. to realize that Maura was in grave danger. The feeling in his gut told him that he could trust Jane Rizzoli. That same gut also told him that the Italian detective was very much in love with his daughter. He believed that the detective would more than willingly give up her own life to protect his daughter's. "I love her ya know. Even though I never got to be a real father to her, she is the most important thing in my life. I know she doesn't want anything to do with me and….well, I don't blame her. I realized awhile back that I'll have to be content with loving her from afar." Doyle paused before continuing, "and I would do anything I had to do to protect her…..anything." Doyle emphasized his last word for effect. "I suspect that you and I have that perspective in common, detective."
Jane listened to everything Doyle said without interrupting. It was true; she would do anything to protect Maura….. lay down her life, if necessary. That's why she was so desperate to get some information that would help her protect Maura. Without any information, Jane was operating blindly…more reactive than proactive…..and she much preferred to act rather than react. She believed Doyle….believed that he did love his daughter very much and would do what he could to help her. "Doyle…give me something…..give me a name." Jane pleaded.
Doyle broke eye contact to look up at the attractive prosecutor standing behind Jane. He couldn't help but notice the look of impatience on her face. He silently wondered what relationship, if any, was going on between the two as he could sense the obvious tension between them. He returned his gaze to Jane, "O'Malley….Danny O'Malley. Since my senior lieutenant was killed at the same time I got shot, O'Malley is next in charge. He can be trusted…. and he will trust you….if I tell'em to. He can help, if you're willing to let him."
Jane wanted to ask more questions but Lisa signaled to the guard that time was up. The guard approached Doyle and escorted him out of the visitation area. Jane wondered if Lisa was able to hear what Doyle told her. She stood up and turned to face Lisa, "did I take too much of your precious time?" Jane asked sarcastically before moving past her to walk out.
Jane and Lisa made the fifteen minute drive back to Lisa's office without saying one word to each other. Jane was too busy kicking herself for misjudging Lisa. She couldn't believe that she allowed someone to fool her so badly. When they arrived back at the parking deck, Jane planned to jump back into her cruiser and head over to Maura's place, but Lisa asked her to come back up to the office so they could discuss the case further. Jane's gut told her it was a bad idea but she agreed anyway…she should've listened to her gut. The place was pretty much a ghost town when they got back up to Lisa's office floor. Since it was after six in the evening, most of the prosecutors and support staff had left long ago. As they entered the office, Lisa turned and shut the door before placing her briefcase in her desk chair. She immediately turned, walked towards Jane and put her arms around Jane's neck. Before Lisa could lean in to kiss her, Jane removed Lisa's arms from around her neck and stepped back.
"I thought you wanted to discuss the case, not make out." Jane stated flatly. She refused to let this woman get to her. She decided that now was the time to officially end it with Lisa….whatever it was…..at this point, she wasn't really sure what she and Lisa had …..or who Lisa had pretended to be…Jane was pretty sure that she now had the real Lisa figured out. Lisa was overly ambitious…someone that would do practically anything to get ahead….to obtain what she wanted, not caring who she had to step on or over to accomplish it. Jane had no use for a woman like that.
When Jane removed Lisa's arms and stepped back, Lisa's expression transitioned from hurt to instant anger. Her eyes flashed with rage before settling back down into an eerie calm. "I have a proposition for you Jane." Lisa's voice was very matter of fact, which conflicted with the look in her eyes. Lisa watched as Jane crossed her arms in front of her and raised her eyebrows as a non verbal cue to continue. "Say goodbye to Maura Isles, be with me, and I'll not release any information related to her being Paddy Doyle's daughter."
Jane could hardly believe her ears. What was this woman's malfunction? "You can't coerce me into being with you Lisa."
Lisa narrowed her eyes at Jane as she spoke, "Can't I? I thought you would do anything for Maura….. anything to protect her….well, here's your chance. I am very ambitious and competitive….. I do not like to lose….and, as such, I don't intend to lose you…so, what do you say? Maura's fate is in your hands." Lisa stepped closer to Jane as she flashed a seductive smile, "You know I know how to make you feel good."
Jane's mind was swirling. How the hell did Lisa hear what Doyle had said to her? "Whoever you've pretended to be these last couple of months Lisa, it clearly isn't the real you. It must've taken a lot of energy to portray yourself as something you're not. At least I got the chance to see the real you before we went any further." Jane said as she concentrated on keeping her anger in check.
"So….. your answer is no then, right?...is that what I'm hearing? Geez, not much into making sacrifices for those that you love, are you?" Lisa was taunting her now.
Jane took several deep breaths in an attempt to calm the anger boiling inside. She wanted to walk out, dismiss Lisa from her life, and forget she had ever made the mistake of being with her. But then she thought of Maura. Doyle's words rang in her ears; I would do anything I had to do to protect her…..anything. Jane loved Maura like no other…..more than life itself….and she would do anything to protect her…even if it meant that she could never be with her. "For how long?" Jane asked with a growl in her voice…. referring to how long she would have to endure being with a woman she was quickly starting to despise.
"For as long as I want you." Lisa responded casually. "I usually get bored with my lovers rather quickly….. but baby…" she eyed Jane up and down before finishing, "you are something special. It may take quite awhile before I'm tired of you."
Jane couldn't believe she was actually considering this crazy woman's proposition. She decided to play along in the madness only until she could figure out another way to protect Maura and keep the secret from getting out. Agreeing to this would at least buy her some time….but what would it do to Maura….and her…..in the process? Jane sighed heavily before sealing the deal with the devil. "You may have me physically Lisa, but you will never have my heart."
Lisa flashed a wide smile as she chose to ignore the last part of Jane's statement, "I'm good with physical…for now….I will expect more later."
"What about your ambitious career and the DA seat?" Jane challenged as she arched an eyebrow. "Don't you want that?"
"Oh I'll still win the case against Doyle and become the new District Attorney …..but I'll also win the girl…..best of both worlds, don't you think?"
"I still have to work with Maura, ya know?" Jane pointed out the obvious.
"Fine, work with her…I don't care….but work is as far as it goes. Anything more and our little secret will be revealed. Deal?"
Jane had more questions. "How do you know that I'll honor our agreement when you're not around?" Jane was curious just how Lisa expected to control her when she was out of sight.
"Because Jane, you are, if not anything, loyal to the ones you love"…..She suddenly thought about how Jane had deceived her in regards to her feelings for Maura and felt a rush of betrayal surge through her….."not so much if you don't…I don't believe you would jeopardize Maura's safety in such a way." Lisa explained. "So do we have a deal or not?"
"Fine." Jane answered through gritted teeth…but in her mind she followed her answer up with something more, but not for long…..
Breakthrough (Colbie Caillat)
By the time Jane arrived at Maura's place, it was nearly eight o'clock. She had no idea what she'd planned to say to Maura… what she would do when she looked into her eyes. Jane only knew one thing at the moment…..she couldn't bear the thought of something happening to Maura. Jane had to protect her at all costs.
Maura opened her door in response to the light knock on it. Standing there in her doorway was the weary looking detective that she now realized she loved with all of her heart and soul. Their eyes met. "Hi." Maura's voice cracked at just that one word so she dared not say anything more at the moment. She stepped aside so that Jane could enter. Jane walked in without saying a word and sat down on the sofa. "Can I get you something to drink?" Maura offered.
"Just some water please." Jane's mouth went dry at just the sight of Maura and it felt like she was chewing on cotton. While Maura went to the kitchen to grab the water, Jane took a quick moment to collect her thoughts and decide how best to start their conversation.
Maura returned and handed a glass of water to Jane before sitting down next to her on the sofa. "I was beginning to worry about you. I tried calling you earlier but your phone went straight to voicemail." Maura spoke first.
"I went to see Doyle." At the surprise look on Maura's face, Jane explained further. "I needed some information…..unfortunately, he gave me very little to go on." Jane said with much regret in her voice. Maura shook her head in understanding…knowing that Jane tried to find out who would be coming after her. Jane looked over at Maura's hands before she spontaneously reached out and gently took one of them. Jane watched her own movements as she enveloped and caressed Maura's hand into both of hers. She continued to stare as her thumbs softly stroked the back of Maura's hand in a slow rhythmic fashion. Jane pulled her eyes away from the melodic action to once again meet Maura's eyes. Suddenly, Jane was ready…ready to open up to Maura…ready to confess to her that she was still very much in love with the beautiful medical examiner. Jane took a deep breath before opening her mouth to speak.
Realizing that Jane was ready to open up the conversation, Maura decided that she really wanted to speak first. As Jane went to speak, Maura raised her other hand and gently placed her index finger on Jane's lips to stop her. "Please, let me." Maura gently asked permission. She had so much to say to Jane…so much to explain…she wanted to set Jane's mind at ease once and for all. Maura removed her fingertip after Jane nodded her head in agreement. Maura began with a small tender smile on her face. "All day, I've been thinking about and practicing what and how I was going to say what I wanted to say to you. I know that it will probably not come out the way I imagined it in my mind…..but know this….it comes directly from my heart." Maura explained. "For the last several months, you and I have grown apart. For the longest time, I couldn't understand why. You grew distant….detached….and I didn't understand what I'd done to cause you to respond in such a manner…...now I do. I was oblivious to the fact of how much I hurt you with Ian. At the time, I had no idea how you felt about me…or how I truly felt about you. The morning you left…..I heard you say that you loved me. I know now that I was wrong for not coming forward and letting you know that I'd heard you." Maura took a deep breath before continuing, "I was scared Jane…..scared of you loving me…scared of what that meant for us, for our friendship….scared and confused about how I felt for you… and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm no longer confused though.….no longer scared of you." Tears started to form in Maura's eyes as a large lump entered her throat. "What I'm trying to say…is that I am deeply and madly in love with you Jane….and I want nothing more than for us to be together…" Maura finally confessed.
Jane's own eyes filled with tears as she took in everything Maura was saying to her. Finally, after all this time…never believing this moment to be possible…..here it was…Maura telling her that she felt the same….that the impossible was possible…that they could share a life together…..express their love for one another. Everything she had ever wanted with Maura was right there for the taking…except for now she couldn't take it. Jane thought about how absolutely cruel and heartless fate was…..how darkly ironic her life had become.
Maura asked a gentle question with an uncertainty to her voice, "do you still love me or am I too late?" Maura held her breath as she feared the answer she would receive.
Jane's wet eyes grew wetter…softer…at Maura's tentative question. Jane slowly leaned in and took Maura's lips with her own. The kiss was soft, tender at the onset but quickly grew into a desperate frenzy. Jane had never kissed anyone the way she was kissing Maura now. She felt the flood gates open as all the love Jane had hidden deep inside her heart broke loose and washed over her like a raging river after a heavy downpour. Their tongues fought to remain against one another, not willing to release even for a breath of air. Maura's hands in Jane's hair…Jane's hands around Maura's waist pulling her ever tighter…..closer to her body. Maura wanted Jane to take her…to make love to her…to belong to her once and for all but she could feel that Jane was still holding back…..not willing to take the final step in transition to their new relationship with one another. No longer just friends….just best friends….but lovers…..lovers who burned with the all consuming fire of each other. Maura could feel the change in the kiss as their mouths continued to dance with one another…..there was a longing in it….a feeling of regret…it began to confuse Maura. As if reading Maura's mind, Jane slowly broke away from Maura's lips and looked deeply, intently into Maura's eyes. What Maura saw in Jane's eyes frightened her…..an overwhelming look of sheer sadness.
"That felt ominously like a goodbye kiss rather than the beginning of us," Maura whispered softly with her eyes closed. Please God…..please don't let that be the case…I don't think I could take it.
Now it was Jane's turn to talk but she found it difficult to do so because her throat was so constricted. She attempted to swallow but she could barely get it past the large lump that sat stationary in the center of her larynx. "Maur." Jane began but had to stop to once again clear her throat of the lump. "Maura…..I am still very much in love with you…and I have been so for a very long time." Jane watched the smile start to spread over Maura's face as she uttered those words. She knew, however, that the smile would soon fade as her next words would break Maura's heart. "But we can't be together…at least not right now….if ever." She wasn't sure what this was going to do to them and any possibility of a future together. What she did know was that she had to find a way…a different way…. to protect Maura from getting killed at the hands of Doyle's enemies…besides being forced to be with a woman she no longer felt anything but hatred for.
"I'm sorry….but….I don't understand." Maura was full on crying now. "If we are in love with each other…if we both want this…..why can't we be together?" Maura choked as she asked the obvious question.
Jane closed her eyes and internally struggled as to whether or not to tell Maura the truth…..the truth about Lisa's proposition. Jane knew that if she did so, however, Maura would try…and probably succeed….in talking Jane out of it….which would place Maura's life in immediate danger. No…she couldn't tell her the truth right now…she just hoped that Maura would believe in her enough…trust in her enough….to not walk away…..to wait for her. Jane steeled herself before uttering the words that literally made her nauseous as she pushed them past her lips. "I've already made a commitment to Lisa. We're together now…committed to one another." Jane said the words with her eyes closed. She couldn't stand to look into Maura's eyes as she told her the heartbreaking lie.
"Wha….what? Why? I still don't understand…you just said that you were in love with me Jane!" Maura shook her head back and forth in complete confusion. Her pulse was racing and she felt panic starting to rise up in her. How could she love me and still want to be with Lisa?
Jane was aching inside. "I love her too." Jane rasped out just barely above a whisper. God, she hated herself so much at the moment…hated what she was doing to Maura. She kept telling herself that she was doing it to protect Maura….to keep her safe…..at all costs…..The unfortunate payment for that cost was the breaking of Maura's heart…..and hers, for that matter. She suddenly couldn't take it anymore…..could no longer stand to be in Maura's presence…to look into Maura's heart wrenching eyes. She had to get out of there…..escape…..run away as fast as she could…punish herself….destroy herself….. for hurting the one person she loved more than life itself. "I'm so very sorry." Jane hoarsely choked out as she stood up and took off towards the front door. She had to get away….now. She couldn't stand to witness anymore of the hurt she was causing the love of her life…..the woman of her dreams. Jane opened up Maura's front door and walked out.
Maura followed her. "Jane Rizzoli, don't you dare walk away from me…not again!" Maura screamed out as tears streamed down her face. She walked faster and faster to close the distance between them. When that failed, Maura began running to catch up to Jane. She reached out and grabbed Jane's arm forcing her to spin around. Jane had now lost all control of her emotions as thick tears flowed fully from her eyes.
"Maura…..I love you…..you know I do….but I can't…..I'm sorry…I just can't." She said through all of her tears. She paused before saying her next words with overwhelming regret. "It just never seems to be our time." Jane's voice cracked as she huskily whispered again, "I'm sorry."
Once again….Maura was left standing there alone as she watched Jane get into her car and drive away. Once again she ached….once again her heart was in pain at the hands of the woman she loved. "Are we ever going to stop torturing each other?" Maura said out loud to herself before returning to the inside of her home. I can't take this anymore!