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A Very Good Idea

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"I knew that this was a very good idea."

Chuck was actually impressed that Sarah could speak. He wasn't all that close to anything except trying to force as much oxygen into his lungs as physically possible. He was flat on his back with Sarah collapsed over him, her bare chest pressed firmly into his as they both panted for breath. Their legs were still so intertwined that he couldn't really figure out which parts belonged to her and which were his. Finally he recovered enough to lift his head and survey the total carnage that had taken place in this room over the last couple of hours. The bed was a complete wreck. Not even a sheet remained to cover their nakedness. Various articles of clothing were strewn haphazardly around the room. In fact Sarah's bra was draped over the table lamp dangerously, about ready to start smoking. "That was incredible," he was finally able to croak out between pants. "We may have to do this again."

Sarah reached up and kissed him lovingly. She pressed his lower lip between hers and playfully tugged on it with a grin as she finally broke the kiss. "I told you," she said. "Maybe next time I have one of these ideas, you won't fight me so hard."

Chuck was just beginning to feel mostly like his chest wasn't going to explode. "Yeah," he said. "About that. I actually thought you meant that I was supposed to ravage you."

That got them laughing. "I did," Sarah said. "That was the original plan. But you know me. I'm a take charge kinda person. And it's really your own fault. When you get me that hot… well, I kinda lost control a little. I'm sorry. You can ravage me next time."

"I'm pretty sure that you don't have to be sorry," Chuck said. Then he quickly got more serious. "She's going to be back soon. What do we do? There's only the one bed."

"What can we do?" Sarah asked. "She's pretty much calling the shots. I think I'll have to take the couch looking all depressed. If you hear me sobbing, don't worry. All part of the act."

Chuck sighed uncomfortably. "You know what she's going to do?" he asked sadly. "She's going to want to rub salt in your open wound."

"Of course she is," Sarah replied. "That's pretty predictable."

"What should I do?" Chuck asked, his voice no more than a whisper.

"You've already moved a mountain tonight," Sarah said.

"Excuse me," Chuck said. "By my count I've moved four mountains tonight."

Sarah reached up again to kiss him affectionately. "I stand corrected," she said. "You're right. You did. And quite impressively, I might add. So, sweetie, let me ask you a serious question. If Jill Roberts walked through that door, erotically stripped naked, and begged you to move a fifth mountain tonight… could you?"

The grin quickly spread across Chuck's face as her meaning sank in. "I just realized that Jill is absolutely right," he said. "You are pure evil."

That got them both laughing. "Hey," Sarah said as soon as she could. "I'm just protecting what's mine."

"If your answer to that question is yes, let me know. That means I still have some work to do."

x-x-x-x-x

"I knew that this was a very bad idea."

Ellie, no actually it was pure Dr. Woodcomb, was relieved that he was finally able to make this a joke. He had been sitting on the floor, teetering on the edge of consciousness for a little longer than she was comfortable with. So she took the bag of ice she had quickly fetched from the hall away from his jaw, reached into her bag, and took out her light. "Let me look at your eyes," she said.

"Ellie," Casey moaned. "Relax. This stuff happens. It's no big deal."

"I'm so sorry," Ellie said sarcastically. "I didn't realize that you were a doctor. Why didn't you tell me? Where did you go to medical school?"

Ellie waited for a moment for her rhetorical question to sink in. "I didn't think so," she said firmly once it was clear that her point was made. "Now relax and let me look at your eyes. Follow the light without moving your head. Concussions are not something to mess around with."

Luckily Dr. Woodcomb saw what she wanted. Casey's injury was relatively minor. "I think we're done practicing," she said.

"We're done," Casey agreed. "At least until we can get in the gym with the right protective equipment. You're getting to good."

"Admit it," Ellie said playfully as she helped him to stand and guided him to the couch. "I can now kick your ass."

That got them both laughing. "Don't get cocky," Casey finally said. "A real opponent would hit back. You're doing great, far better than I would have ever thought possible. But if you really want to be able to have a chance against a legitimate opponent, you still have to learn how to deliver punishment without opening yourself up."

"I know," Ellie said. "I understand that you could easily take me if you wanted. Thank you for being my punching dummy." She reached for the ice bag he was still holding to his jaw. "That's going to take a couple of stitches."

"Do we really have to do that?" Casey whined. "If Chuck finds out that you beat me up so much that I needed stitches…"

"Don't worry about Chuck," Ellie quickly replied.

"When I get done with him, teasing someone about getting beaten up will be the last thing on his mind."

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"I knew that this was a very good idea."

"Hey, wait a minute," Jill protested as she reached up and pulled his head down to kiss him. "That was my idea. You were against it if I remember right."

Clyde Berkshire rolled off her and onto his side. "Maybe," he agreed. "But now I'm a convert. That was amazing. What's gotten into you?"

Jill's eyes narrowed. "Are you saying that it's not always amazing?" she asked. But responding to his panicked look she grinned. "I'm just teasing you. I'm in a very good mood. I wonder what he's making her do right now."

Clyde laughed a little. "Are you sure that he's making her do anything?" he asked. "He seems like sort of a wimp about these things."

That got Jill laughing. "Unlike you," she said. "You'd have her giving you a lap dance while she was standing on her head." She enjoyed her mild shot for a long moment before she settled down a little. "I'm sure," she finally giggled. "I'd better get up there and check on them. I laid it on pretty thick. I told him how pissed I would be if he didn't push her. Trust me. Chuck would do almost anything to avoid seeing me pissed."

Clyde grabbed her arm playfully as they laughed together.

"Now that I find very easy to believe."

x-x-x-x-x

"What did she say?"

Chuck had just returned alone. Jill's grin when she saw them on the bed both naked clearly said she was very pleased. Sarah immediately went into her depressed look. That made Jill's grin even broader. She barely gave Chuck the chance to pull on his pants before she dragged him out into the hall.

"She's leaving us alone for the night," Chuck said sadly.

Sarah did a double take at his devastated look. "Okay," she said cautiously. "That's good news, right?"

"She told me that she was proud of me," Chuck continued. "She wants me to press you even further. She wants me to… Tomorrow she said it's going to be her turn. She's going to show you who I really love… and what that looks like."

Sarah snuggled into him. "I know," she said. "We always knew that was a distinct possibility, right?"

"It's not worth it," Chuck said so faintly that Sarah had to strain to hear him. Then his voice became stronger and contained more resolve. "Putting us through that… it's not worth it."

"But, Chuck," Sarah protested softly. "Your mom… Don't worry about me. I'll get through it."

"I don't want you to get through it!" Chuck said loudly, much harsher than he originally intended. He immediately put his arm around her and pulled her close.

"I'm very sorry that I raised my voice," he said. "This is hard for me. Look. I don't really know how to say this. I'm not complaining. I understand that I have no complaint coming. I knew what I was getting with you from day one. You've made it clear that I was never going to be #1 with you. Your duty was always going to be #1. It was plain that I was going to have to accept things from you that I wouldn't like on missions. The men you've been with before me would all have been fine with it. I get all that. But I'm not that guy. You're #1 to me. You always will be. I simply can't do things for mission that I know would hurt you. I'm sorry. I know that disappoints you."

The epiphany hit Sarah like a bolt of lightening. "That's what happened in Prague," she said, her voice no more than a whisper. "You put duty ahead of me… because you thought that was what I would want and expect. It's what Bryce would have done. It's what Shaw would have done. You did it for me."

Chuck didn't answer right away, not with words anyway. But his sad eyes said everything. "I'm not Bryce… or Shaw," he finally said. "I tried, Sarah. But I'm just not. I'm sorry."

Sarah couldn't blink the tears out of her eyes fast enough. After a moment she stopped trying and allowed them to flow down her cheeks. "I'm such a horrible person," she said. "I haven't made any effort to make sure that you know. I've allowed my own personal baggage to hurt the only man I've ever loved."

Chuck couldn't see her face. It was buried in his shoulder. But he could feel her soft sobs and the wetness caused by her tears. "It's okay," he said.

"It's not okay," Sarah said through her sobs, much more harshly than she intended. "It's so not okay."

Sarah took a long moment to gather her composure. Finally, she lifted her head up enough to look at him. "You're right," she said. "When we first met, you were far from #1 to me. In fact, well after I realized that I was in love with you, you still weren't #1 for a while. I'm not proud of that. But it simply devastates me that you don't know, that I haven't made you know, you're absolutely #1 to me. You have been for a long, long time."

Sarah buried her face back in Chuck's shoulder. "I also knew exactly what I was getting with you," she said. "You were pretty transparent. You weren't Bryce. You weren't Cole. You weren't even Shaw. You never would be. But here is what stuns me. You interpret that as a bad thing. That somehow with you I'm settling for less than I really want. In order for me to be happy you have to try and be like those other spies. I want you to admit that to me."

"Okay," Chuck said. "Yes. Isn't it true? Look, I've seen you kiss Bryce. I've seen you kiss Cole. I don't think you ever kissed me like that until after we were living together. You told Shaw your real name after knowing him for six weeks."

Sarah pulled her face back out of Chuck's shoulder and looked at him. "I'm not going to cry about this any more," she said. "That doesn't do us any good. I'm just not going to move from this spot until you understand things."

Sarah paused for a moment and took a deep breath. "I've admired Bryce, Cole, and Shaw," she said. "I absolutely did. I admire Casey in that same way. In their own ways, they all were good spies. There have even been other spies over the years that I admire. I'm not sure what you saw with Cole and Shaw. It must have been on comm. I find that I'm not prepared to defend myself about it. Just like I don't expect you to defend yourself about Lou, Jill, or Hannah. We weren't together when any of those things happened. If your point is that you saw more passion with them than I usually show you, okay, you might have a point."

Sarah reached over and slapped Chuck's chest in frustration. "But if you interpret that as me having more passion for them," she said. "Wow, Chuck. You couldn't possibly be more wrong. I've always tried to be respectful of you. I know that you're kinda conservative about these things. I've made a conscious effort in bed to show you more love and not so much lust. I've regularly held myself back because tender and loving is what I thought you wanted. I find that I now even prefer it that way. You're the only man I've ever made love with. And I quickly found out that there is no comparison between casual sex and making love. Casual sex is okay. It's usually more trouble than it's worth. Making love with you is the highlight of my life. Trust me on something. If you want more expressions of lust from me, more seduction and raw passion, I'm more than happy to oblige… as long as it still means that we're making love. In fact going forward I think you should be a little careful what you wish for."

Chuck was stunned that Sarah was being so open. It was great. He also sensed that she was not finished. So he just wordlessly waited for her.

And indeed, Sarah spent a long moment blinking away the tears. "I'm not going to cry about this," she finally insisted. "I promised. But here is what I find amazing. You compare yourself to those other guys you mentioned and find that you fall short in the comparison." She reached over and slapped his chest again, a little harder this time. "You clearly don't get it," she said. "I fell in love with you exactly because you weren't like those other guys. You're the nicest, sweetest man I've ever met. I never wanted you to become a spy. In fact I feared that you were becoming too much like the spies. Don't get me wrong. I'm very, very proud of you. But listen to me, Chuck. I've always been proud of you. If you're doing any of this for me, please stop. Yes, I get that the greater good is important to me. But if you think for a single second that it comes before you, well, you're just wrong. It's not even close. Tell me that you understand that."

Chuck realized that she wasn't being rhetorical. She expected an answer. "I understand," he said. "Thank you."

Sarah spent a long moment, again gathering her composure. "I'm such a lousy person," she said. "It just hit me. You have been taking all of my hang ups and drawing incorrect conclusions. I hesitated before moving in. I struggled saying I love you. I didn't unpack. Now you think those things mean that I have doubts about us."

Sarah didn't wait for a response. She reached over and slapped his chest yet again, this time even harder. "I need for you to hear this," she said. "None of those things were about you or about us. I've been all in on us for a long time. They were all about me. Tell me, Chuck. What is it going to take to get you to believe that?"

Now Chuck was struggling to hold in the smile. He knew that might very well be a fatal mistake. "What answer will get you to stop hitting me?" he asked with as much levity as he dared.

Sarah saw the twinkle in his eyes… and was very grateful for it. But she wasn't yet ready for this to be over. "I know," she said. "I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. I'm just frustrated. I'm so bad at this. I can say that you're the only man I've ever loved until I'm blue in the face. But it doesn't mean a thing unless you feel it. The honest truth is that I don't know how to describe love. All I can tell you is that I was miserable until you came into my life. When you're not beside me for over ten minutes, I miss you like crazy. You make me feel like a princess in a fairy tale. You make me laugh when I need it, make me want to be a better person. I can't picture what my life would be like without you. It scares me. Almost every night I get myself to sleep daydreaming about our kids. I just wish I had the words to make you understand how I feel."

Chuck wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tight. "Thank you," he said. "I know that was hard for you. I appreciate the effort. I feel just as strongly about you. I actually think you're better at this than you think. That was perfect."

They just stayed that way, with their arms around each other and snuggled for a long while. "Thank you," Sarah finally said. "Are we good?"

Now Chuck finally felt comfortable smiling. "We're perfect," he said.

"Thank you," Sarah said with her own smile finally showing. "So what do you want to do? We can continue, and maybe find your mom. I won't pretend to like it. But I also won't hold anything that happens with Jill against you in any way. Or we can end this now."

Chuck's response was immediate. "We're done," he said simply. "It's not worth it."

"Okay," Sarah said softly. "But are you sure that's what you want? We might not find your mom."

Chuck pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I'm very sure," he said. "We'll find my mom some other way. Tell Casey to contact Beckman and be sure we have reinforcements ready to move in the morning. I love you."

That turned Sarah's smile into a full grin. "And I love you," she said.

"It's finally time to kick some ass."

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