Rumors of my death have been mildly exaggerated.
I DID IT AGAIN! Just when I thought I had EVERYONE right, I misspell 'Bastion'. WHAT THE HECK? I think this story is called 'Those Crazy Obelisks', because the Obelisk's student names are the only ones that I can SPELL RIGHT! Thank you as always for those of you who manage to point it out while not making me feel like an idiot -.-;;. You know, I'd probably have a heck of an easier time spelling all their names right if the dubbers STUCK TO THE JAPANESE!
"The writer is a lazy wench"…heh, how right you are Chazz.
As another look on how my mental process works when I have chapter ideas, I really wanted to do some sort of chapter that the gang has to fight against little kids (unfortunately, Nate and Karen are exaggerations of my own cousins (though their inspirations certainly have their moments shudder at least Uncle Howard isn't anything like my uncles)so sadly, some of the events are also based on real-life experiences, but most on what I think would be the worst kids that you'd have to babysit. Babysitters tend to take a lot of smack, so it's high time I say something in their defense), but at the same time, it was about the time for Halloween. So I thought 'well…nothing ruins Halloween like babysitting little kids!' and viola! A chapter idea is born (ha ha). However, this idea was a little vauge, so it took me a looooooong time to figure out how things would stack up. I even needed to take a week break from writing period just to try to get my thoughts together (one of the reasons this chapter's so late).
And seriously, for being a decently normal character, Zane has a REALLY weird family.
I like to draw my characters (it usually gives me a better idea of what they're like), and so for the first time, I drew Joku (despite the fact he's been a main character for, like, months). When I was finished, I thought…wow, he's way to pretty to be Joku. And he is. It's really weird. But I liked the way he turned out so…boy, that kids scares me no matter what I do with him. Oh, by the way, I got a question on his name pronunciation. It's pronounced 'Joe-koo', with emphasis on the second sylable. Basically, it's spelt how it sounds.
Zane's 'Atticus Flashback' got so much positive approval, I just had to do another one. And also, Josephina finally proves to us that she still exists. Good for her.
Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays (I too am easily manipulated by sugar and polyester) so I always have a lot of fun with anything that has to do with it. Though realistically looking at this, this chapter...has very little to do with Halloween.
The fact that Kat's ideology can be pretty similar Chazz's makes for a very good point on Sam's part. Of course, there are an overwhelming load of differences between his and her thought processes (for instance, Chazz is much too lazy to go tramping around outside in the rain looking for dead things, and Kat isn't an utter killjoy), but at times, we do see one or two glaring similarities. Really though, I think this is kind of appropriate, because really similar people are certainly very capable of hating each other's guts in real life.
We made it to ten chapters hooray! This chapter is so late…and so long (nine thousand words!). But seriously…I don't think the chapters get longer…just the rants…
CHAPTER TEN
The Curse of Youth
"Ah…nothing like it…" said Samantha to herself, sitting in the Duel Academy library on one of the huge cushions that the librarians provide for students. "Sometimes on cold, October days, the best thing to do to rejuvenate your soul is to sit on a pillow next to the window of a library, sipping a cup of apple cider and a warm donut…all by yourself…perhaps this is what it truly is to be in heaven…"
"YO SAM!" screamed Kat, walking into the library sopping wet and covered in what appeared to be mud. "I FOUND A DEAD THING BY THE ROAD, AND I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS! CAN YOU CHECK IT OUT?"
Silence.
"You realized that you have ravaged the boundaries set by society at least ten times over in one breath, right?" asked Sam.
"Society…society…that's the um…thing, right?" said Kat.
"Never mind," said Sam. "Just leave me alone."
"BUT I WANNA KNOW WHAT THE DEAD THING IS!" yelled Kat.
"Then go get a field guide or something!" said Sam angrily.
"What the heck's a field guide?" asked Kat.
"It's a book that's filled with pictures and descriptions of certain wildlife that's used specifically to help identify the plant or animal in question," said Sam.
"THAT REQUIRES READING, DOESN'T IT?" said Kat. "WILL THE WORLD REALIZE THAT THERE ARE WAYS TO SOLVE CONFLICTS OTHER THAN LITTERATURE?"
"I think you've been hanging out with Chazz too much…" said Sam.
"Yeah," said Kat. "It's kind of funny, I mean the guy's a wuss that bruises easily when he's hit repeatedly with a chair, but he actually has some pretty good ideas. Like the previously mentioned fact that books are evil."
"So let me get this straight," said Samantha. "You hate the man, you hate the way he acts, you beat him up on a regular daily basis, and yet you follow his ideology?"
"I don't know one-hundred-percent what the word 'ideology' means, BUT YEAH!" yelled Kat.
---ooo---
"You know that old saying that says that every time your eye twitches, someone's contemplating your murder?" said Chazz, his eye twitching slightly.
"Then a lot of people must want to kill Zane," said Alexis. "Anyway, it's nice that Halloween falls on a Friday this time around. Halloween is one of those holidays that everyone loves, but you can't seem to get days off for."
"You like this pathetic toe-rag excuse for a holiday?" said Chazz. "I hate it. It deserves to die along with Arbor Day and Flag Day!"
"How could you say that?" asked Alexis. "Halloween is the best holiday ever! It's second only to Christmas! I mean, how could anyone not like a holiday when you get to walk around in a silly costume all day legally and have it be okay to stuff your face with candy and sugar? I see no downside!"
"That's because you're a stupid woman who's microscopic brain is easily manipulated by sugar and polyester!" said Chazz.
"…you never expect to date in your lifetime, do you Chazz?" said Alexis flatly.
However, he question would remain unanswered, because at that minute, Zane walked into the room, and passed the two on the way to his seat, which was the farthest away from the common entrance to their row of desks. His expression, however, was a little more blank that usual, but at the same time, a shiver shot it's way up and down both Alexis and Chazz's spine as he walked by them, as well as an impulse on Chazz's part to run Zane and/or himself through with a pencil, before he sat down.
Silence.
"May I ask just how bad a mood you're in?" asked Chazz pathetically. Zane's response was simple. He picked up a pen. Then he rammed it through one of Chazz's hair spikes in a very casual, matter-of-fact manner.
"Ah," Alexis said. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," said Zane flatly.
"I…I think my hair's bleeding…" said Chazz.
"You aren't getting any sense of pleasure from Chazz's pain/social injury," said Alexis. "I'll ask again. What's wrong?"
"Nothing…I need to babysit…" sad Zane.
"Oh, well…not good with kids?" asked Alexis.
"No, I'm okay…even though for some reason, small children seem to fear and despise me…" said Zane.
"Jeez, a six foot two kid who looks like he's a flesh construct craving for virgin blood," said Chazz. "Nooooo nothing intimidating there sparky!"
"…sarcasm's only fun when you're saying it," said Zane flatly.
"I know I'm amused," said Alexis. "Anyway, continue."
"They're my younger cousins, four and six," said Zane flatly. "They're both very cute but…ah…they aren't the most lovable children…and well…I'm not…"
Silence.
"Just be honest Zane. We won't count it against your character," said Alexis.
"I hate them so much, it frightens me," said Zane. "The last time I babysit them, I came out looking like a professional hockey player, not to mention I nearly passed out from blood loss, and I needed to wear pants in ninety degree heat waves to cover up the bruises. They pulled out so much of my hair, I needed to borrow one of my Uncles Yankee Baseball caps to wear. I hate the Yankees. Anytime I saw them at a family reunion, I'd need to stay away from the window for fear that I'd jump out of it the second I saw them…the kids, not the Yankees."
"Why didn't you tell your family about it?" said Alexis.
"I did. A thousand times over," said Zane.
"And what did they do? Get a muzzle for the brats?" asked Chazz.
"…no…" said Zane flatly.
"They didn't do anything?" Alexis said.
"No…" said Zane.
"Why?" she asked.
"When it's two little kids word against a tall, blood-sucking construct, guess who wins?" said Zane.
"Oh…" said Alexis. "…can't they get someone else?"
"Not many people are that stupid and desperate for money…" said Zane.
"You're desperate for money?" asked Chazz.
"No, I'm stupid," said Zane.
"Or empathetic," said Alexis.
"…no, I'm stupid," said Zane.
"Zaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane…" whined Kat, walking up to Zane with a very sad 'give me pitty or give me death' expression on her face. "Sam won't help me figure out what the dead animal is, and then she told me to go away!"
"I'm going to say something similar," said Zane.
"Can I?" asked Kat.
"No," Zane said darkly.
She let her entire top half of her body collapse, her face falling straight into the back of Zane's head, letting off a sigh of pleasure, as Zane got another eye twitch.
"Ah…super mega soft hair…I feel better…" said Kat, a dizzily content smile on her face. "Thanks man!"
"You're far from welcome," said Zane. "Get out of my sight, or I'll break your arm off and beat you to a state of vegetation with it."
"You tease!" said Kat, walking away with a vague wave of her hand.
Silence.
"WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?" yelled Chazz angrily.
"There are a great many things that mortal minds aren't meant to comprehend Chazz," said Alexis. "I don't know, nor do I want to know, if that moment in time was one of them."
---ooo---
"Seriously, I can handle this on my own," said Zane after class had ended, as he headed off down the hallway to the main office. "I don't need you to get yourselves hurt because of my own affairs."
"Don't be ridiculous," said Alexis. "If these kids are as terrible as you've said, then it sounds like your going to need a lot of help. I know what it's like to be pushed and kicked and had your hair pulled."
"So you have a lot of younger cousins too?" asked Zane.
"Nah," said Alexis. "Actually, most of my cousins are either my age or older than me."
"Then what are you doing here?" asked Chazz. "I mean, if you've got no experience dealing with, your going to tackle a bunch of evil little monsters? Have you ever had to deal with anything that mind-bogglingly annoying?"
"Well…I have a brother…" said Alexis, a little reluctantly.
"Yeah, an OLDER brother," said Chazz. "How can an older brother possibly prepare you for the mind-numbing horrors of little kids?"
---ooo---
"HEY ZANE! WHATUP?" screamed Atticus's voice through the ear piece of Zane's phone, as Zane barely managed to keep himself upright in bed, as the clock right next to him just changed to 2:16 AM. "Be-yooooooo-ti-ful morning isn't it? HA! The best part of wak-ing up, is Foldiers in your cup! YAY! Do you like coffee? I hate it, it makes my brain go boing! I like sugar though! YAY! Especially the kind in Pop Tarts! I only eat blueberry and cherry though. Never strawberry. Strawberries are the fruit of EVIL! Bet you like strawberries, because they're boring, like you! HA! Wow, for some reason, my head feels all airy! Must have been chewing on the furniture in my sleep again! WHOOPS! Hey, a little bit of my hair is sticking out straight up in the air! I look cool! Cooler than you anyway. HA! Anyway, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep, and I decided to do a little experiment to pass the time until morning! I wondered if you dropped something really, reaaaaaally thin into the toilet, it would sink through the little hole at the bottom all the way down! So I tried it on a fork, and you wouldn't believe how far down the hole it went! I mean whoa! But the problem is, I couldn't get it out, even with the plunger, so I figured maybe if I flushed the toilet over and over again, the fork would get loose and be spat out! So I did and…well, I just wanted to give you a heads up, because the pipe in your dorm-room ceiling may or may not explode. Okay, sorry to bug you. See you tomorrow buddy!"
Click.
---ooo---
"Shut up Chazz," said Zane. "Alexis, I have complete and utter faith in you. Don't let me down."
"Yay?" said Alexis.
"I'm surrounded by fools…" said Chazz. "God, sometimes I just wish that everyone was like me. That way I wouldn't have to deal with a bunch of MORONS!"
"And that problem would be solved if everyone was like you?" asked Zane.
---ooo---
"Ah! There you are Zane!" said a huge, middle aged man with a balding head, a stained T-shirt, greasy jeans, stubble, and a beer gut in the main office. The man was about Zane's height, but he had a huge wall of blubber that accounted for at least seventy extra pounds, so Zane, Alexis, and Chazz were easily cast into his shadow. "You're still skinny and pathetic, eh? Ha ha! Bet you ain't expecting many girls in your future, huh?"
"I'm sure I'll find someone who's stupid, desperate, or insane," said Zane. "It worked just fine for you."
"Whoa, you have friends?" asked the uncle, giving Alexis and Chazz a good, long look. "Yeesh Zane, this is a first! You're usually scaring everyone off with that ugly snarl of yours!"
"At least I have friends who respect me for who I am, not what's in my refrigerator, unlike pretty much all of your friends," said Zane. "Not to mention their sober, which is a quality your 'pals' also tend to lack."
"Ow Zane, mean," said Alexis.
"Alexis, Chazz, this is my Uncle Howard," said Zane. "He's infamous for being unable to breath unless whenever he exhales, he needs to make a derogatory comment of a person of his choice. However, his most redeeming quality is that you can say whatever you want back to him, and he either doesn't hear it or doesn't care, and my money's on the first."
"Bet he's really popular at the reunions," said Alexis.
"Oh yeah," said Zane. "Every year, we have the 'Witty Comeback Contest', when everyone pitches in ten dollars, and the winner gets to take the money home. I never participate…but today, I'm in a bad mood."
"OH! I WANNA TRY! I WANNA TRY!" said Chazz.
"Just get him out of here…please…" said Ms. Takaya over her computer screen.
"Working on it," said Zane.
"HEY! HEY YOU!" yelled Chazz, pointing at Uncle Howard. "Say something rude about me! Come on! Come on!"
"Chazz!" yelled Alexis.
"Whoa, what's with your hair?" asked Uncle Howard, suddenly turning his attention towards Chazz, much to his delight. "Wow kid, you a punk rocker or something?"
"At least my hair's on my head and not on my stomach!" Chazz shot back.
"So who are these kids anyway?" asked Uncle Howard to Zane.
"Wow…I said something witty and I didn't get hit…" said Chazz. "It feels so…bizarre, and yet so wrong…I WANNA DO IT AGAIN!"
"No," said Alexis.
"This is Alexis and Chazz," said Zane.
"Eheh, well I hope you didn't tell them that they were going to get paid, because as usual, you're doing this as a favor to the family!" said Uncle Howard.
"Of course, since when do we have to obey the child labor laws?" said Zane. "And the next time I want to get laughed at, I'll ask for a free favor from the family."
"That's a lad," said Uncle Howard. "Anyway, Nate! Karen! C'mere! Say hi to cousin Zane!"
With that, two tiny pairs of eyes peeked out from behind the massive wall that was their father's body. Someone once said 'it takes ugly people to make beautiful children', and that statement seemed quite true for this example. The two children, a boy, who seemed to be the elder, and a girl, were indeed very cute, with huge brown eyes, and light, chestnut brown hair. They both seemed very shy, both of them avoiding eye contact with any of the three in front of them, not willing to take any additional steps forward to meet their temporary caretakers.
Aw…they're adorable… thought Alexis. They certainly don't seem that vicious either. That means that either Zane's exaggerating, or they're really good actors.
"Come on now, don't be shy," said Uncle Howard, nudging both of them out from behind him to meet the three. "Come on, just say hello!"
Both of them awkwardly shuffled forward a little, both pairs of eyes still firmly set on the ground.
"Hello," said Alexis, getting down on her knees to get to the same height as the little girl. "My name's Alexis…what's your name?"
"Inappropriate comment deleted," said the little girl in a sweet, little-kid voice. Alexis gave her a weird look as one of her hairs stood up on end.
"Oh, don't worry, her fourteen year old brother taught her that one," said Uncle Howard, as Alexis stood in utter shock. "Just try not to freak out too much when she says it. Then maybe she'll get bored and move onto something else."
"Eh…okay…" said Alexis.
---ooo---
"Okay Zane, now you're just being paranoid," said Alexis.
"Look, I don't care if it's morally wrong, I spent twenty dollars on these muzzles, and I'm getting use out of them," said Zane, holding out a pair of mesh dog muzzles, as he and the others managed to get the two kids safely back to his dorm.
"Zane…calm down…you're not thinking clearly…I mean you're taking Chazz's advice" said Alexis.
"Why is it always me?" growled Chazz tohimself. "Why doesn't anyone trust me?"
"They're just little kids, and I think you're-OW!"
Alexis was cut off abruptly as she was nearly thrown over when she received a sharp kick in her shin, causing her to violently wobbled in an attempt to regain her balance. Her eyes whirled around automatically, alight with anger, to see Chazz and Nate, both staring at her innocently.
"DA SPAZZY KID DID IT!" cried the little kid, pointing to Chazz angrily.
"WHAT? I DID NOT!" yelled Chazz angrily.
"See? They're evil," Zane said flatly.
"They're just kids!" said Alexis. "They're not evil! They're just…playful. Like puppies. We just need to get them calmed down, and I'm sure they'll be well-behaved. I mean, really, we're complete and utter strangers to them, so naturally, they'd be scared, and not willing to easily trust us, and-"
"They're gone Alexis," said Zane vaguely, as the door swung a little on it's hinges, as if blown by the wind.
"Those…brats…" said Alexis, surprising rage in what seemed to be her clenched fists, as her knuckles turned white. "And who was dumb enough to leave the door open?"
"The door was closed…and locked…with double bolts…and a key…with only one copy…in my possession…" said Zane.
Silence.
"Coughparacoughnoid," said Chazz.
"Oh yeah, we're not dealing with ordinary little kids," Alexis said.
---ooo---
"Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate? Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaareeeeeeeeeeeeeen? Where are you?" called Zane, looking all around the grounds, armed only with a flashlight, a lollypop, and the two mesh muzzles. "Come on out…this isn't funny anymore…I'll give you candy...I'll give you money…darn, that usually works…"
He flashed the light all over the grounds, across the pavement, into the grass, and casting a few, strained lights into the bushes. He found no trace of the two evil children.
"Funny things about favors to the family," said Zane to himself, the disc of light from the flashlight falling on the road in front of him. "They generally are ignored unless you screw something up."
"Cousin Zane!" squeaked a voice from up over his head, causing Zane to nearly jump out of his skin, as the disc whirled upward. When it hit, he saw the figure of Nate, sitting on a large branch of a tree, his legs swinging aimlessly back and forth, a look of carelessness, almost spite, plastered on his face.
"What are you doing up there?" asked Zane, not very shocked at the fact that his cousin would climb up a tree in the middle of the night.
"Sittin'," said Nate.
"I meant…never mind," sad Zane. "Get down from there."
"No!" said Nate.
"Get down here please," said Zane.
"NO!" said Nate.
"Get down here or else," said Zane.
"Like you can do anytin' to me, giwy boy!" said Nate.
"That's it, now I'm going to have to use force, which means that now it's somewhat morally correct for me to use these," said Zane, pulling one of the muzzles tight in his hands, then swinging it over his shoulder. With that, he quickly grappled the tree with two hands around it's trunk, and began to awkwardly pull himself up it as quickly as he could, which, incidentally, wasn't very fast.
"Okay you little brat," said Zane darkly. "For three whole years, whenever there was babysitting to be done…it always fell to me…just because I was older…and you have given me nothing but garbage. I am sick of being at the bottom of the abuse totem pole despite the fact that I am nearly three times your age and size. Is respect so much to ask for? Is it so-"
However, Zane was sharply cut off as he reached the branch that held his younger cousin. However, before Zane could even halfway conceive a thought of snatching up Nate up, Nate simply hopped out of the three, and, despite the fact that for a split second Zane's heart nearly stopped at the thought that his nephew would merely turn into a splatter of DNA on the ground, he landed nimbly on his feet, leaving Zane stranded alone at the top of the tree.
"Well…this cruelly ironic…" said Zane.
"HA HA HA HA HA HA!" screamed Nate, pointing at Zane. "You can't catch me 'cause youw so shtupid, HA!"
"You better not be expecting any Christmas presents from me this year," said Zane flatly. "Alright, you just stay there you-"
Before Zane could say another word, Nate dashed off.
"Figures..." said Zane. "Mom must have said to me 'Zane, never start monologing when you're upset', but do I ever listen? Nooooo…"
Silence.
"Now how the heck do I get down…" he muttered to himself.
---ooo---
Josephina was sitting in her dorm room, absentmindedly flicking through the television channels, wearing her usual evening comfy-wear, a loose-fitting sweater and a pair of jeans. She sighed absentmindedly, reveling on how little there was to watch on television, even though it was Halloween. It looked like it was going to be shaping up for a boring year, as always.
"Alright, you're moping," said Silent Magician, sitting on her head, giving her the usual somewhat annoyed, somewhat concerned glare. "What is it now? It's because it's Halloween and you're bored, isn't it?"
"No, I'm fine," said Josephina.
"Jeez, what's wrong with you?" said Silent Magician. "Are you just going to sit there all night? It's Halloween! Let's go out and get candy! Let's party! Let's prank people! Come on, at least order pizza or SOMETHING!"
"I'm trying to save my money," said Josephina. "And what would I do with all that pizza anyway?"
"Then call up the gang!" said Silent Magician. "Tell 'em it's BYOB!"
"AH! I-I-I can't d-do that!" said Josephina.
"Ha, I'm just kidding," said Silent Magician, as Josephina looked like her lungs were going to give out. "Even I sometimes get a kick out of looking at your little scared face. Anyway-"
She was promptly interrupted by the sound of a small fist banging on the door, causing her to almost automatically spring out of her chair and rush to the door to answer it (she didn't want the caller in question to think that she was intentionally trying to ignore him/her. That would be rude!).
"Hello?" she said, opening the door, shocked for a moment that there seemed to be no one there. However, her gaze fell downwards, landing on the small figure of Karen, who stared at her with huge, cutsie boo-boo eyes.
"Hewwo…" said Karen.
"Oh, what an adorable little girl!" said Josephina sweetly. "Are you a daughter of one of the teacher's here?"
"Can…ah…" Karen started shyly. "Can I…come in?"
"Oh! Of course you can!" said Josephina, opening the door wider to let the girl in. "Would you like to sit down? Are you hungry?"
Bad move Josie. Baaaaaaaaaaad…
---ooo---
"Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaareeeeeeeeeen? Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate?" said Alexis, calling out up and down the hallways of the dorm rooms. "Where are you guys? Come on! If you don't get out of here, you two are going to be in so much trouble!"
"More like we're going to be in so much trouble," said Chazz angrily, looking behind a huge garbage can. "All I know is that I'm not going to be the one to tell Uncle Sparky that his precious little maniacs are loose and terrorizing innocent civilians."
"You're killing me with your optimism Chazz," said Alexis, rolling her eyes.
"You're killing me with your esteem Alexis," he replied crisply.
"Greetings land lubbers," said a robotic voice behind Alexis, causing her to nearly jump out of her skin in shock. She turned around to see that the speaker was actually what appeared to be a large computer CPU and monitor that was tapped together with duct tape, but it seemed to be modified so that it was covered with extra blinking lights and lots of buttons that were very tempting to push. However, another small few small adjustments were that it was taped to a tea trolley and it had a pirate hat and a plastic scimitar duct taped to it's top and side, respectively, a fake parrot on the CPU, and a eyepatch stretched over the monitor.
"Uh…" said Alexis awkwardly, staring at the strange…thingy.
"I am First Mate Roboto, arg," said the computer to Alexis in it's high-pitched robotic sounding voice.
"First Mate?" asked Chazz.
"Actually, I am the galley boy, barnacle collector, and karaoke instructor, but I am expecting a promotion any day now, arg," said the robot. "I have been instructed to give you a message regarding the next scene, due to the fact that we ran out of characters at the last minute, and we're currently working on a deadline, arg."
"What about the Slifer Boys?" asked Alexis.
"They had to go to an Underdog Seminar and Pottery Class in Salem, arg," said First Mate Roboto.
"What about Akiro?" asked Alexis.
"He's taking a sick leave, arg," said First Mate Roboto.
"There's seriously no one?" asked Alexis.
"Correct, arg," sad FMR. "Anyway, I was instructed to give you this message regarding the upcoming scene. It is under Pirate Polly Jack the fake Parrot, arg."
"Oh…this right here," said Alexis, pulling out the sheet of paper from under the fake parrot on the CPU. She cafefully unfolded it, revealing itself to be a plain sheet of computer paper with a hastily scribbled message on it.
"'Go to Kat and Sam's scene'," Alexis read from the paper.
"And what makes you think that we'll just go along with anything your stupid little piece of paper says?" asked Chazz to the robot. "How do we know that you're not here just to screw around with our heads?"
"Because I am a robot, arg," said the robot.
"Well, my queries are satisfied," Chazz said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
"Look, it can't hurt to look there," said Alexis to Chazz. "Come on, lets go."
"NO!" said Chazz angrily. "I don't trust this rickety pile of plastic and silicon! How do we know that it's not an evil spy networking device held by some oppressive government or terrorist network or LIBRARIANS or pickle salesmen-"
"How did you find out about the pickles, arg," said the robot, as a huge ray gun popped out of nowhere and aimed itself directly at Chazz.
"Uh…what…pickles?" Chazz tried.
"That's better, arg," said the robot, as the ray gun collapsed back into the computer. "Good day to you, scurvy dogs."
With that, the robot slowly meandered away on it's tiny wheels, squeeking as they slowly carried their robotic pirate cargo toward the end of the hallway. However, about halfway there, about twenty feet from Alexis and Chazz-
It exploded.
"God, we seriously need to do a background check on some of these students…" Chazz said, as Alexis only looked at the smoldering remains of the robotic alley in the war against sanity.
---ooo---
"Alright…why does it seem like it's so easy to get up into a tree, then so hard to get down?" asked Zane, who was still stuck in the crown of the tree. "Darnit…the only thing that's making me angrier right now is the fact that I can't get down and a six-year-old can…"
Silence.
"Boy, I'd give anything right now to get down…" he muttered to himself.
"Hi. I'm Joku."
"Joku!" said Zane, in both surprise and relief, as he spotted the Ra student, who just stared absentmindedly at the trunk of the tree. "Who knew that you'd ever be a saving grace, let alone me?"
"Last night I dreamed I was pregnant," said Joku to the tree trunk.
"That's…" Zane started. "Oh, never mind. Joku, I need your help. I have a little nephew, and he tricked me into getting stuck in this tree. I need you to go get help."
"My mother told me I'd grow up to be a sales accountant," said Joku to the tree trunk.
"Look, Alexis and Chazz should be still looking around the Obelisk Blue hallways," said Zane. "Go there and ask them to help me down…and if you see a little kid with brown hair and huge brown eyes, do me a favor and slap him, okay?"
"Sometimes I wake up, and my pillow case is covered in drool," said Joku to the tree trunk.
"No, Joku…I'm up here…" said Zane. "Joku…just look up…please…"
"I got stuff in my eyes," said Joku to the tree trunk.
"Joku, just get help…both in aid and psychiatric matters…" said Zane, burying his face in his hands.
"I love you," said Joku dully, wrapping both of his arms around the tree trunk in a warm embrace.
Zane had nothing to say. He just sighed angrily and wondered just how many times Joku's mother dropped him on the head when he was a baby.
"Congratulations Joku," said Zane. "You have successfully managed to make me lose my faith in humanity."
Joku gave the tree a huge kiss.
"Oi…God…get a room," said Zane, snapping his eyes shut to try to block out any additional horrible mental images that were threatening to shoot through his brain.
---ooo---
"Must…use…last…of…strength…to get…cookies…out…" said Josephina, looking like she was going to pass out from sheer fatigue, wearing a pair of oven mitts, struggling to open the door to the portable oven she brought along with her to the school.
"WHERE ARE MY COOKIES?" screamed Karen from the living room.
"They'll be out any second, but they need two minutes cooling time…" said Josephina, somehow managing to reach her hands into the hot oven to pull out the tray laden with cookies, as she was surrounded by dirty bowls, spoons, and other cooking utensils, suggesting several other batches were baked before this one.
"I WANT THEM NOW!" yelled Karen.
"I'll…get the cooling fan…" said Josephina weakly, half dropping the cookies on the towel that was laid out on the table.
"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?" yelled Silent Magician with all her four-inch-tall might, bouncing up and down angrily on Josephina's shoulder. "YOU'RE CATERING TO THE WHIMS OF A SPOILED, BRATTY LITTLE GIRL! I command you with the divine power of your duel spirit to stop playing nurse this second!"
"I can't…she's just a little girl…" said Josephina.
"AND YET SHE'S WALKING ALL OVER YOU LIKE A CHAMP!" yelled Silent Magician. "STOP IT RIGHT NOW, OR I'LL REALLY GET ANGRY!"
"Let me just finish this batch quick…" said Josephina.
"NO! NO MORE BATCHES!" yelled Silent Magician. "Stop cooking NOW!"
"Please?" said Josephina.
"Okay, that's it!" yelled Silent Magician angrily, pulling out her wand. "Obviously you're not going to listen to words, so maybe you'll listen to action! THUNDERAGA!"
With that, the wand wobbled violently, started glowing with pure power…and emitted a little spark of static discharge that zapped the back of Josephina's neck, causing her to briefly cry out in pain, as her hand flew back and covered the spot..
"Now will you listen?" asked Silent Magician angrily.
"M-maybe I can call someone…" Josephina said awkwardly.
---ooo---
"SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM! SAMSAMSAMSAMSAMSAMSAMSAM SAMMY SAM!" screamed Kat at the top of her lungs, rushing into the dorm room with a happy spring in her step, while Sam was, once again, trying to read a book on her bed. "Guess what? I read the accursed 'Field Guide' of yours, I finally figured out what the dead thing was! And that's not the easiest thing to do when it's head's gone!"
"Fantastic," said Sam dully, turning a page. "What was it?"
"Well apparently, it was either a Bushy-Tailed Wood Rat, or a Grizzly Bear," said Kat.
"…what?" asked Sam.
"Well, I couldn't quite tell, but you know their fur was in that general category of color, so I just had to assume…" said Kat.
"Kat, how big was this thing you found?" asked Sam.
"'bout seven inches long," said Kat, once again tramping mud all the way up to Sam's part of the room as she walked up to her.
"So how can you possibly think that this…thing is a Grizzly Bear?" asked Sam.
"Well, according to your toe rag, it says that Grizzly Bears grow to six to seven inches from snout to tail!" said Kat. "So naturally, one would assume that what I found was a very large Grizzly Bear!"
"Give me that," said Sam angrily, snatching the damp and somewhat muddy book right out of Kat's hands, flipping rapidly through it to try to find the particular page that had Grizzly Bears on it. "Okay…muskrat…coyote…brown bear…Kat, it says Grizzly Bear's are six to seven FEET long!"
"Oh…hang on, one dash is feet, and two dashes is inches?" said Kat. "Now that's confusing.
"Kat-"
That's when she heard knocking at the door.
"I hope whoever it is will take you away from me," said Sam flatly, as she hopped out of bed and made her way to the door. "Who is it?"
"Pathological research. We've come for you friend," said a voice outside the door.
"WOO HOO!" screamed Sam happily.
"Actually, it's just Alexis and Chazz," said Alexis outside.
SLAM!
"HOW DARE YOU GET MY HOPES UP LIKE THAT?" yelled Sam angrily, slamming open the door, her eyes filled with partially angry, partially terribly sad tears that were streaming down her face. This shocked both Alexis AND Chazz so much that they nearly fell backward.
"Uh…sorry?" tried Alexis.
"Just…don't…do it…again…" said Sam, tears streaming down her eyes, as she frantically tried to wipe them away with the back of her hand. "Now…what are you here for?"
"We were wondering if you saw a pair of kids running around here by the names of Nate and Karen," said Alexis. "They're a boy and a girl, six and…four if I remember right."
"Well, mentally, I've met many people that fit that description, but-" Sam started.
"OI! SAM! PHONE!" screamed Kat out the door, holding out the chordless phone. "IT'S JOSIE! SHE SAYS SHE'S GOT SOME PROBLEM WITH A LITTLE BRAT THAT WANDERED INTO HER DORM WHOS DEMANDING COOKIES BY THE STACKLOAD! SHE SAYS SHE WAS WONDERING IF WE HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR HER!"
"That's the fun thing about humor fics," said Sam to the gang. "You can string plots together in the stupidest ways."
"Is that so…" said Alexis. "TO THE NEXT SCENE!"
Meanwhile, in the next scene…
"Wow, that kids creepy," said Silent Magician, as both she and Josephina peeked around the corner to watch their charge down a whole plate laden with cookies. "How can one kid eat so much dough? It defies human logic! Her stomach should have exploded by the laws of physics!"
"I…I hope she isn't very hungry after this…" said Josephina.
"I'M STILL HUNGRY!" yelled Karen. Josephina sighed and turned around and headed toward the kitchen.
"OH NO YOU DON'T!" yelled Silent Magician, grabbing a huge clump of Josephina's hair as she walked away, causing her to squeak in pain. "You're not going back there! You are going to learn how to say 'no', and you're going to like it!"
"Uh…" Josephina said.
"NO! SAY 'NO'! SAY 'NO, I WILL NOT LIKE IT'!" yelled Silent Magician.
"No I…will not…" said Josephina.
"NO! LOUDER! AND NO PAUSES!" yelled Silent Magician.
"But…I'd sound ridiculous…talking to a hallucination…"
"I'M-"
SMACK!
"-NOT-"
SMACK!
"-A-"
SMACK!
"-HALLUCINATION!" screamed Silent Magician angrily, after dealing a final smack at the back of Josephina's head, causing huge tears to fall down her face, as well as her to cover the back of her head and fall to her knees in pain. "And don't you forget it missy."
"POWAH!"
BAM!
With one huge kick, Kat slamed a heel into the door and caused it to fall forward, completely off it's hinges, until it landed on the ground with a huge thunk.
"KAT!" yelled Sam angrily.
"ALRIGHT BRAT-O!" yelled Kat, running up into the living area to face the little girl which was probably at least three feet shorter than her, a cookie still firmly wedged in her mouth, her stomach swolent to twice it's normal size. "FOR YOUR CRUELTY TO MY FAVORITE JOSIE, YOU WILL FACE A TASTE OF PURE POWER!"
"Um…no…please don't…" said Josephina, timidly stepping forward, "…hurt…"
"MY GOD JOSIE!" yelled Kat, pointing to her. "THAT THING TURNED YOUR HAIR WHITE!"
"That's her normal hair color, stupid," said Sam grimly.
"Alright Karen," said Alexis angrily, walking right up to Karen, looking her straight in the eye. "You have no idea how much trouble you're in! Running off like that, making us scramble all over the place trying to look for you…what if you had gotten hurt? You could have gotten killed! And on top of everything else, you came here, worked Josephina out of her mind-"
"Which is pretty pathetic when you look at it," said Chazz, shoving Alexis aside to get a good look at the kid. "I mean, I really can't see what makes me more sick, the fact that you tried to pick on someone like Josephina, or the fact that…Josephina let you…"
"Get ouwta my face Spazz," said the girl. "It makes me wanna fwo up."
"WHY YOU-" yelled Chazz. "You better watch where your walking kid, or I'll give you a head start on losing all your baby teeth!"
"Chazz!" yelled Alexis.
"Weast I got all my bwain cells," said Karen.
"At least I've grown out of the booster seat!" yelled Chazz.
"At weast people can TEWW Imma giwl!" yelled Karen.
"TAKE THAT BACK YOU-" yelled Chazz.
"CHAZZ!" yelled Alexis. "Alright missy, we're taking you back to the room pronto, and don't you dare think of trying to pull anything else on us, or you'll be in even more trouble than you are now!"
"Cheyah right," said the little girl. "What can you possibly do to me lady?"
"She can't do anything, the moral riddled little Obelisk punk," said Kat with a sinister smile, cracking her fingers eagerly. "However, my morals are DOA."
"Do you even know what DOA stands for?" asked Sam.
"…dogs ownzer antelopes!" said Kat.
"Yeah, that's it…" said Sam flatly.
"Alright, we're going," said Alexis, taking the little girl's hand in hers. However, all she received in return was a violent wiggle and a now free little girl who quickly hopped out of her reach.
"NO!" said Karen in response, quickly making a bolt for the door. As Alexis was about to spring forward after her, the door suddenly burst open with a gust of wind, and, as very dreamy music played in the background, with a huge, red umbrella in his hand, Professor Banner floated into the rooms on an imaginary breeze, looking very creepily like Mary Poppins.
"Hello Children!" he said in a sickeningly happy voice, landing on the ground, folding up his umbrella afterwards. "I heard that you were having an issue with a sweet little girl, so I decided that I'd come to help break the dramatic tension!"
"Who the heck are you lady?" asked Karen.
"Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…ha…" said Professor Banner darkly. "I'm just a friendly teacher here to give you some good advice."
"How not to look like an idiot?" asked the little girl.
"Not quite," said Professor Banner, getting within inches of her face. "You see dear, I know your small, hormone-uneffected mind desperately wants to believe that dim-witted, angst-ridden teenagers have nothing to offer in society in general, but please remember that they have lived far longer than you, and they know things you are just barely beginning to understand."
"So what?" asked the little girl.
"And being older…they are far more evil than you…" said Professor Banner darkly, as his eyes opened wide, exposing the mind-bending horrors inside.
Karen's own eyes then bugged out of her skull until they were four times their normal size. Then, very, very quietly, she walked away from him, and walked up to the group with very large, pathetic looking eyes, they eyes of tarnished youth.
"I'll be good…" she said in a very quiet voice, as she was openly shuddering in horror.
"HA! I BET YOU FEEL SORRY YOU LITTLE BRAT!" yelled Chazz in triumph.
"Chazz, don't make karma mad," said Alexis.
"HA!" said Chazz. "At this point in time, I AM karma!"
However, a large chunk of plaster came out of the ceiling, and landed with a good deal of force and pain on his head.
"Uh…no you aren't…" said Alexis, trying her best to contain a very content smile. "Well, we managed to get one kid out of the way. Now we just need to find the other one-"
"Will the caretaker of the six year old with the stapling gun please report to the main offi-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH," said a voice over the intercom.
"Well…that's helpful…" said Alexis.
---ooo---
"No…please…no…" said Ms. Takaya, cowering in a corner of the main office, as two of her coworkers groaned painfull, stapled soundly and firmly to the wall.
"Quiet lady, or you'll be next!" said Nate, holding the stapler gun firmly in his hands. "Now then…my demands are simple…give me all da candy in this joint, and no one gets huwt!"
"I told you, I don't have any candy!" said Ms. Takaya frantically. "I usually restock after Halloween when it's all on sale!"
"SHUT UP!" said Nate, aiming the staple gun at her. "I had enough of yow garbage! Yow gonna get the same thing your fwiends got!"
BAM!
"Alright you little brat!" yelled Chazz, storming into the office at full pace, the most angry, ticked-off scowl he had yet plastered to his face. "I've had enough of tramping all over the school looking for you!"
"Shut up Spazz, I'm packin'!" said Nate.
"No YOU shut up you post-tolder NIGHTMARE!" yelled Chazz. "I'm older than you, I'm bigger than you, and at this moment, I OWN you! So drop the office supplies and get back to the dorm, or I'll show you what it's like to lose all your baby teeth prematurely!"
"Chazz, stop threatening the Kindergartener!" said Alexis angrily, now walking through the door, just barely managing to catch up.
"NO!" said Chazz. "I'm sick of being turned into a circus pony by a bunch of evil little kids! If I'm going to be miserable, so are they! Period!"
"Chazz. For. Once. In. Your. Life. Consider. KARMA!" said Alexis bluntly.
"Pfh, whatever," said Chazz. "What's this kid got on me? An two-bit mediocre DYI tool? Oooooh…a staaaaaaaaapler gun, I'm so SCAAAAAAAAAAAAAR-"
CLIPCLIPCLIPCLIPCLIPCLIP-PING!
Before Chazz could say or do anything more, Nate became a blur of color , as he circled around Chazz with blazing speed, and before Chazz could say another word, he was stapled to the wall, as was the other victims of Nate's dastardly power.
"Owww…" said Chazz. "Stupid…karma…"
"Idiot," said Alexis.
"Ahwight, looks wike it's just you!" said Nate, pointing the stapler gun at Alexis. "Aw your candy. Handit ovah. NOW!"
"No! That's enough!" yelled Alexis. "You and your sister have caused way too much trouble today! Now both of you are going straight home, and straight to bed! And if you think that you're going to get off-"
---ooo---
"In retrospect, it was pretty optimistic to think that sort of thing was going to work," said Alexis, as she too was now stapled to the wall, but since her outfit was much…eh…smaller, it was a pretty awkward stapling period.
"Hee hee hee…" cackled the kid. "Wooks wike none of you gots candy. That's okay…the qwestion is…WHICH ONE OF YOU GETS THEIR FACE STAPLED UP FIRST?"
"Alexis! Alexis! She wants to get stapled! HER! HER! HER!" said Chazz, frantically trying to gesture in her direction as best as he could being stapled to wall.
"I'm glad you're loyal to your comrades Chazz," said Alexis.
"Well, you know what they say…WADIES FIWST!" said the kid, pointing the stapler gun at Alexis's direction.
"You utter snot…" said Alexis.
(insert dull fanfare here)
Zane walked into the room, looking in an incredibly bad mood.
"OH! I CHANGED MY MIND! STAPLE ZANE!" said Chazz.
"You really don't know when to shut up, do you Chazz?" said Alexis
"Weww, weww, weww…" said the evil little kid, toying the stapler gun. "Sow we meet at last Couzin Zane. You've come to joiwn youw fwiends, cowect? Sad, I thought Kawen was gonna take cawe of youw, but I guess I was-"
CLIPCLIPCLIPCLIPCLIPCLIPCLIPCLIP!
Before he could even say another world, he was up on the wall with Alexis and Chazz, looking rather pathetic at being beaten so quickly and suddenly.
"Kid, you got nothing on me," said Zane, twirling his stapler gun that had 'OWNZMASTER' in bright gold letters written across it. "Oh, and don't try to run, I blocked the door from the outside. You're stuck."
"…rats…" said Nate. "WELL I GOT-"
He found a very large stapler gun pointed to his face.
"I'll…be good…" he said weakly.
"Wow, now I'm almost disappointed," said Chazz.
"You REALLY need to learn when to shut up," said Alexis.
"So did you find Karen?" asked Zane, pulling out a staple remover from his pocket and beginning to pull Alexis out of the wall.
"Yes, strangely," said Alexis. "It turns out she was just mooching of Jo."
"Figures…she always was a touch manipulative," said Zane, "not to mention she had the ability to smell fear."
"You look a little scarier than usual," said Alexis. "Did something happen?"
"Well, I got stuck in a tree-Chazz, you say one word, and I'll staple your mouth shut-and…I stayed stuck for quite some time," said Zane.
"Eh?" said Alexis. "How did you manage to get out?"
"Well, benevolent spirits finally intervened on my behave," said Zane, as he pulled out the last staple, causing Alexis to nearly tumble to the floor.
---ooo---
"Mrm Mmkmf…" said Joku, who was squished by a tree that had recently been struck by a freak lightning bolt.
---ooo---
"I see," said Alexis, as Zane began to rip staples out of the rest of the peoples' clothes. "I'm almost scared to answer this question, but at some point, you do plan to help Chazz down, right?"
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-no," said Zane.
"HEY!" yelled Chazz.
---ooo---
"Well, this day was a total waste," said Alexis, sitting at the cafeteria table, with a recently opened jug of apple cider, three cups full of it, and a box of donuts sitting in the center of it.
"Uh, yeah!" said Chazz.
"Oi…" said Zane.
"No pay, back-breaking later, no candy, and I didn't even get a chance to change into my costume…" sighed Alexis.
"Agreed," said Zane.
"Especially about the no pay…" muttered Chazz.
"But we did good work today boys," said Alexis, picking up one of the cups off the table and raising it to cheer them. "And it's not Halloween unless your high on some sort of sugar. Happy Halloween guys."
"Happy Halloween," said Zane, picking up his glass.
"You're paying for this, right?" asked Chazz.
"Quiet Chazz," Alexis said.
"We should probably give something to Sam, Kat, and Josephina for their help," said Zane to himself, taking a plain donut out of the triple donut box.
"Taken care of," said Alexis with a smile to herself, sipping her cider.
---ooo---
"AW SWEET! Those Obelisk Scumbags gave us donuts and rented the 'Rocky Horror Picture Show'!" said Kat in an eager voice, picking up the huge bag of donuts in one arm and the movie in the other and bouncing up and down in pure joy. "I'LL GET THE NEWSPAPERS!"
"Yeah…she's insane…" said Sam to Jo, who was just quietly smiling, happy to have company for the rest of the night.
---ooo---
L33T B0NUZ PHUN!
Ten Week Report: Cultural References, Inside Jokes, and other things you probably don't get (or at least, that I want to rant about)
Hagrid (Chapter One))
From Harry Potter! Just in case that…you know…there's someone out there that hasn't heard of Harry Potter. Wow, that was a pointless first one, huh?
Karma Police (Chapter One)
Karma, as you probably all know, is the idea that our actions effect what happens to us (i.e. if you good, good stuff happens to you, etc.). However, while this is a cute saying, it's actually inspired by the title of a song by Radiohead entitled…well, 'Karma Police'.
Kaiser (Chapter Two)
Just in case any of you didn't know, Kaiser is what Zane is refered to in the Japanese version. I'm not trying to be redundant. Seriously. I'm not.
POWAH! (Several Chapters)
Kat's cry is actually inspired from what Sora would say whenever I activated a character magic card in Kingdom Hearts, Chain of Memories. It just seemed like a good thing for her to say when she's kicking butt.
Elizabeth Taylor (Chapter Three)
Elizabeth Taylor has been married eight times (I did count).
Phantasmagorical (Chapter Three)
'Phantasmagorical' means having to do with ghosts or supernatural forces.
Cuidado (Chapter Four)
'Careful' or something like that in Spanish.
The Bobble Head (Chapter Five)
This is actually a reference to the bobble head that appeared in one of my previous stories 'The Wizard of Cuz'.
Josie (Chapter Five)
Josie was actually the name of one of my father's childhood dogs. That's why every sane person looks utterly confused whenever Josephina's referred to as 'Josie'.
Madlax and Other Punk (Chapter Six)
'Madlax' is actually produced partially by the man responsible for the Anime 'Noir', and it star a very maturely built gun-for-hire named Madlax, who wears a very tight shirt with a green coat, very tiny black shirts, and calf-high boots. Sam's fantasy outfit is based on the typical retro punk girl in Japanese culture-a very long pleated skirt used for one's school uniform, which is usually seen as the opposite in American culture as a symbol of a conservative person.
Terrat Cards (Chapter Seven)
Joku's Terrat Card power was actually inspired by the workings of the Spirit of the Stage from 'Kaleido Star'.
The Uga-Boy Brothers (Chapter Eight)
The term I used to refer to my dad and his brothers.
First Mate Roboto (Chapter Ten)
A character based on a character me and my brother created together.
Newspaper (Chapter Ten)
As with all good cult movies, there has to be a share of ritual behavior from the audience. On top of throwing rice, confetti, and toilet paper at appropriate bits, another tradition (apparently Kat's favorite) is when Brad and Janet get caught in a storm, right when Janet covers her head with a newspaper, the members of the audience do the same.
FINAL NOTE: 'Those Crazy Obelisks" will be in temporary hibernation for a little bit until Shri finishes up with "There's Something About Marik". We plan to wake up sometime in Late October or Early November. However, to help you cope with your supreme sadness, we're taking drawing requests on Shri's deviantArt account, OC, Cannon, or other (APPROPRIATE requests please. The link's on my bio! Check it out!). I'm really sorry for the inconvinience, and for the late update with a sudden announcement of temporary hibernation. I swear I'll get back on track with everything ASAP! I just need to handle the homework load...
Thank you so much for your understanding! I'll make sure the chapters are extra funny when I get back! Ciao!