Justice For Molly

Chapter 10 – I Want You Back Again

It was very dark but as her eyes slowly got accustomed to the gloom even in that light she could see that his pupils were enormous as he stared down at her, the eyes that were normally the colour of melted chocolate were almost black the way she'd seen them look a thousand times in the past when he'd been holding her like he was at that moment, holding close enough for them to be lost in each other exactly as they were now. His voice was soft as his lips lingered on the spot in her neck where he could feel her pulse jumping, there was a depth to her green eyes that reminded him of who she was and why he missed her so much.

"I am so tired Mol ... I'm fucking exhausted with this whole shit-storm, there's not a day when I don't wish I could turn the clock back ... or that I could go to bed and sleep and then wake up with everything back the way it was ... this is all such a fucking mess"

"I should never have lied to you, shouldn't have told you I wanted out when it was a lie, I thought I was doing it to protect you, but I wasn't, I was trying to protect me and look how well that worked out?"

She wanted to tell him that it was all going to be okay, that everything was going to sort itself out for him, but she couldn't. It would be a lie because she wasn't sure she could forgive him, in theory it was simple but she was still shit scared she'd never be able to look at him again without seeing them together, and if she couldn't forgive him then it didn't matter whether she still loved him or not.

"Ii wasn't you it was me..." He smiled and lifted his eyebrows briefly at the cliché he'd used "It's hard now to believe that I lost sight completely of what was important and that everything just went to shit the way it did ... and that I felt ... so bloody isolated from everything... from you ... but I miss you so much"

"I know ... but ..."

"Do you? I'm not sure that you do"

"What, you think I don't miss you? Course I do, every bloody day but everything's different innit? I never wanted it to change, Charles, but it did, things changed and I couldn't do anything to stop them ... and don't start about me and Matt again, just don't ... you know its not true ... nothing's ever happened with me and him and nothing ever would"

"Does he know that?"

"Subject's never come up 'as it? ... He's me boss and I've known him forever, and he's been kind to me when I've needed someone to be kind ... but that's all ..." Molly shrugged and shook her head but even as she said it she wondered if it was as true for Matt as it was for her, and then tried to step away from him a bit as Charles tightened his arms in an attempt to draw her even closer and to stop her going anywhere "I've dropped me bloody phone somewhere, probably busted it, I need to find it before I tread on it ... and I really should go in you know, I 'aven't even said hello to your dad yet and one of us needs to make sure your mum's okay"

"Not yet ... stay here a bit longer"

"I can't, I really think I'd better go in don't you?"

Right at that moment all she wanted to do was to say they could draw a line under it all, that she loved him and it could all be forgiven and most of all forgotten because she wanted to stay exactly where she was and it was all very well telling herself what was sensible and that she could do it, in her heart she wanted to stay in the past where things were simple. She wanted to stay holding him and kissing him and feeling his body against hers, she wanted to feel the muscles in his chest and his arms round her holding her tight and his fingers touching her and she wanted to forget all her doubts about whether he was telling her the truth about everything, she just wanted to carry on feeling how much he wanted her and how much in spite of everything she wanted him.

But that was sex. And what she missed most wasn't sex, although she did miss the feeling of being close, she missed the certainty of knowing there was always someone she could trust, someone who would put his arms round her when she felt shit and who she could rely on not to shut her out or turn away from her when things went a bit shit for him. Someone she could trust not to break her heart into a million bits, and she was horribly afraid that person was never going be him again.

"I'll follow you in a bit" He reluctantly let go of her when she moved her arms from round his neck and then stepped back and pulled a rueful face at the tent at the front of his jeans "Might just have to wait out for a few minutes though and then I'll find your phone and bring it in"

-OG-

"Hello Pops"

"Well well well, it's my favourite daughter-in-law, how are you my darling? Come here and give me a kiss"

"I'm your only daughter-in-law you silver-tongued whatsits you, but I'm good thanks, 'ow are you?"

Molly hugged him hard, she'd forgotten exactly how much she adored him, and how when she'd first known him she'd had this secret fantasy that he would rub off on Dave, which was a complete non-starter of course, they were chalk and cheese and anyway whenever they were forced to be in the same place at the same time they avoided one another like the plague.

"I think I'm fine, I was last time I checked and no you're not the only one, you've forgotten the bossy blonde piece, she's still my daughter-in-law, or so she tells me, god help me" He grimaced and pulled his favourite long-suffering and deeply put-upon face "She'll have me in a home before long, you wait and see ... I'm sure she's got ambitions to get her little hands on this place ... ah here she comes, the birthday girl, she's another one going to end up in a home with me ... and now she's going to steal you away in case you decide to run off with me"

"Bill ... shut up ... and yes, I am borrowing Molly for a few minutes ... a bit of girl talk"

Meg had the kind of smile pasted on her face that Molly knew frightened committees into doing what she wanted as she pushed past groups of people and smiled and nodded at them but without stopping to talk to anyone as she determinedly shepherded Molly out of the room in front of her for all the world as if she was Sam's age and needed someone to prod her to keep her moving in the right direction.

"Tea ... or are you going to join me in another very large dose of painkiller?"

"Um ... I'll 'ave the painkiller please but just a little one or I'm gonna be ratted"

Meg sat down heavily at the kitchen table and gestured at Molly to follow suit then shook her head at her slowly from side to side despairingly as Molly picked up her phone that was sitting there and turned it over in her hand, looking to see if it was broken but it looked surprisingly undamaged to her.

"I'm not going to ask you to tell me about any of it Molly, Charles has just told me a bit about what's been going on ... whether it's the whole story or not I don't know but I'm not going to ask him, I think he's probably got enough people yelling at him as it is ... but why on earth didn't you come and talk to me? I can't believe you were all on your own with this, he told me you didn't even tell your Nan or your own mum ... "

"Nah ... well I thought ... honestly dunno what I thought really ... didn't believe it to start with, did I?" She gulped a large mouthful of wine and shrugged and wondered just how much he had told Meg but unwilling to ask her.

"I'm trying my best to understand it ... what he was thinking but ... I thought he had more sense ... and as for her..." She shook her head "But don't worry I'm not going to talk about her ... Charles tells me that you know how sorry he is and how much he wishes ... well, he's right about one thing he can't turn the clock back ... but he says he's told you how much he misses you and how much he wants you to come home but that you ... well ... understandably that you're trying to get on with your life without him" Meg topped up her glass again but Molly had the feeling it was more to do with having something to do with her hands than any desire for more wine "Listen darling you can tell me to mind my own business if you like, but is that really what you want?"

"Yeah ... nah ... I dunno Meg, I do love him, I don't think I've ever really stopped, you can't just turn it off like a bleeding tap, can you? But I'm scared it's gonna be too hard trying to make meself forget all about ... her ... and what they did when I was at home worrying myself silly about him"

"Then don't ... it's completely unreasonable for anyone to expect you to just shrug it off, what he did, what they did, hurt you very badly ... I've just listened to him telling me that he wasn't thinking straight or something, so it's whether or not you can forgive him ... I'm not suggesting you will forget all about it anytime soon, although maybe in time" Meg took a deep swallow of wine "I really shouldn't be saying anything or trying to interfere like this because I can only begin to imagine how hard it's all been for you, how much he hurt you" She put her hand across the table and patted Molly's arm "But at the risk of sounding drunk and a bit maudlin, which I'm not, or perhaps I am just a little bit, just remember that life is very short ..." She leaned over and patted her arm again "I know when we're your age we think we have all the time in the world ...but...then ... well, I know Elvis did, but then look what happened to him ..."

"And Smurf ... I've been thinking about him a lot last few weeks"

"Who?" Meg raised her eyebrows "Oh yes of course he was that friend of yours who died when we first knew you ... poor lad ... he was one of Charles' wasn't he? But ... what I'm trying to say is just imagine living the rest of your life without Charles being in it ... and then think whether that's really what you want ...?" She stood up "Have you thought it might be good to talk it through with someone who's not involved?"

"We done that, didn't he tell you? She's his counsellor actually ... but I dunno it just made me feel even more like I was some sort of a bloody numpty ... hearing meself telling someone all that shit made me realise what an idiot I'd been to put up with it all ... made it even worse somehow and she made me feel a bit like it was me own fault ..."

"Of course it wasn't your fault, what was she thinking of? Nonsense ... now food, you haven't had anything to eat and everything always looks better when you've stuffed your face with party food ... especially when there's not a lettuce leaf anywhere in sight"

-OG-

It was getting late when Meg finally managed to persuade the whining and over-tired nightmare that was Sam to go up to bed but only after he'd got his own way and Molly had gone up with him, and had promised faithfully crossing her fingers and hoping to die that she would still be there when he got up in the morning. She told him that she would play some game with him, telling him she wouldn't miss it and that it was one of her favourites, which it wasn't because she'd never even heard of it, but he was being a complete pain in the bum and she wanted to help Meg get him settled. Then when she was finally allowed to go back down she'd been on the point of marching up to Charles and telling him to get his arse upstairs and sort the little bugger out for his mum, before she realised that it was yet another thing that was really none of her bloody business anymore. And it was another horrible moment when she realised it was none of her fucking business either that his dad was worrying about how Rebecca was trying to put him in a home or doing something or other to try and get her hands on the house, although Molly had no idea whether any of that was even true, but even so, it was hard to think she couldn't even say anything, let alone do anything. It didn't matter how much she loved them, if her split from Charles became permanent, his family wouldn't be her family anymore and it didn't matter how much people said about it not making any difference and about keeping in touch and all the rest of it, it never really happened like that.

They spent the rest of the evening circulating separately between all the groups of friends and neighbours and family and Meg's fellow committee members nearly all of whom were getting quietly plastered, although Molly was doing her best to carefully avoid the family in case they knew so spent all her time talking and laughing and drinking with the others instead. She was trying her best to look as though she was enjoying chatting and hearing titbits of local news and scandal and when she couldn't avoid it, stuff about the family, but the whole time she actually felt as if she was putting on an act. All she was really aware of was him, of where he was standing and who he was talking to and whether he was laughing or not and who with, it was if he was some sort of magnet for her eyes. And hard as she kept trying not to look at him, not even to look in his direction, she kept finding herself letting her eyes wander over to where he was and every time she did he seemed to be looking at her. It was as if there was this invisible string between them, a string that was tugging them towards each other and one that was making it incredibly hard to look away again.

Eventually people began to drift off until it was just them and Meg was busy going round the room picking up stray glasses and plates and tutting at the rings on the furniture and at the wine stain on the rug while Bill was throwing the windows wide open and complaining that the room needed airing because it stank of people which made Molly giggle considering he was the one who'd invited them all there. Meg was going round behind him closing them again and telling him to stop exaggerating and that there were times when she thought he was the most anti-social person she'd ever come across in her entire life and that of course her friends didn't stink. Even though Molly was more tired than she could ever remember, she kept trying to help Meg who kept shooing her away and telling her to leave it, that she had to be tired because she'd been at work all day and it wouldn't take her a minute once she got going. It had been a very long day and an even longer evening because most of it had been spent trying to pretend she was having a good time while ignoring him, or trying to.

He'd carried a load of stuff into the kitchen and was standing leaning his back against the sink and staring into space while he twirled an empty glass in his hand and seemed miles away in spite of all the hustle and bustle of his mum going backwards and forwards and bickering loudly with his dad as they put piles of plates and glasses on the draining board and on the table ready to load the dishwasher. The noise of the people around him who'd all been drinking for hours on end so that their voices had got louder and louder and they'd been laughing uproariously at nothing very much had seemed to him to be never-ending when all he'd wanted to do was talk to Molly. On their own, not with an audience but the way they'd been talking earlier in the garden when he'd held her close and kissed her. For the first time since he'd come back into her life Molly looked at him and saw that he actually did look dog tired, and rough, or maybe it was that she noticed it tonight because of what he'd said to her earlier.

"You alright ... you look a bit tired"

He'd turned his head to look down at her and then smiled when she went to stand next to him and touched him lightly on his arm, his mask slipping firmly back in place.

"Fine ... you?"

"Your mum did her best to get me plastered"

"Did she? Good old mum... did it work?"

"Dunno ... do I seem sober to you?"

"Yup" He looked at her for a minute then gave her another one of his masked smiles and Molly suddenly recognised it for what it was, he was wary and was doing everything he could to protect himself exactly as she was doing as he nodded his head and raised his eyebrows "Think so anyway ... um .. what did she say to you?"

"Nothin'"

"I don't believe that for a start, come on you can tell me"

"Not a lot ... she didn't say much"

"That really would be a first for my mother Molly... no point in trying to spare my feelings, she certainly didn't when she was talking to me ... and I know she said something, so what was it?"

"Just that she didn't want to interfere ..."

"Lovely ... and that would be just before she did exactly that" He shook his head and laughed "Come on, tell me, what did she really say?"

"That is what she said and then she just went on about Elvis 'n that and about people dying too young and how life was too short and she said that she'd been talking to you but wasn't sure you'd told her everything but she never asked me to tell her anything, she told me she didn't want to yell at you and that she thought there was probably enough people doing that already ..."

Molly bit her lip as she looked up at him, suddenly not a bit sure whether she'd actually had one too many glasses of wine or not enough because she could see that somewhere hidden behind his carefully masked expression he was anxious about what Meg had said to her.

"And that was it ... that was all she said?"

"She said I needed to think whether I wanted to live without you for always ... that I should make sure that it was what I really wanted" She had thought for a minute that he might have put his mum up to saying it, but the worried frown on his face and the fear in his eyes told her different, that he really hadn't known what she was going to say "Why what did she say to you?"

"Nothing I didn't deserve ... let's just say she has been known to be happier with me ..." He broke off as his mother re-appeared in the kitchen doorway "Look, can we go and talk about this somewhere else?"

He shot an irritated glance at Meg who was bobbing in and out with piles of plates and coffee cups so that he had to keep waiting for her to stop shouting over her shoulder at Bill telling him to make absolutely sure he'd locked the windows properly before gesturing at the two of them to move away from the sink as she dumped another load of washing up before bustling out again. He put a hand down to the small of Molly's back and steered her towards the door, he suddenly wanted very badly to get out of the room before she said anything else, whatever she was going to tell him he didn't want her to hear it in front of an audience of his slightly pissed parents. His mother would give him hell, again.

"Just tell me what you've decided" He was doing his best to try and look unemotional and even attempted a smile but failed miserably as they sat side by side on the bottom stair "Have you done what she said and made up your mind?"

His voice tailed away as he bent his head and ran his fingers through the hair on the back of his neck then tugged at his curls which was something she'd seen him do a million times before whenever he was very upset or stressed.

"Well ... I'm here aren't I?"

He got to his feet and flicked his head to indicate that he wanted to move upstairs and then put his hand out to pull her to her feet and get her to walk up next to him "Let's go upstairs and talk about it in private before my bloody mother puts in an appearance and starts giving us the benefit of her advice again" and wondered whether Molly would remember the first time they'd ever walked up the same stairs together, such a lot of water had gone under the bridge since that day, and not all of it good.

"Her advice 'as been pretty spot on so far..."

"Has it? ... Oh and by the way don't worry about being plastered Mrs James I won't let you fall down the bloody stairs, I promise"

"It's not James, it's Dawes ... and I'm not gonna fall and I'm not plastered, I'm stone cold sober, remember? .. Oi 'ang on, 'ang on, wait a minute" He had begun to speed up and was trying to take the steps two at a time and trying to pull her along with him "What's the bleeding hurry, you afraid I'm gonna change me mind or something ..."

"Of course I'm afraid you're going to change your mind"

"Why would I? ... but ... and this is just so as you know" She stopped and let go of his hand and waved hers backwards and forwards between the two of them before taking his hand again and resuming the climb up the stairs "This ... this don't change anything, I'm not gonna sleep with you"

"I know"

-OG-

A/N: Thank you for all the lovely comments, we hope that you enjoy this chapter as much as you did the last one ...