Hey everyone! It's me! Remember me? The one who's writing the Mary Sue basher? The one who hasn't updated in... oh... months? The one who's really sorry about that, but life just seems to keep getting in the way? The one who's going to try to do better? The one who wants to hear your feedback on the new chapter? Yeah, it's me.

Lizai: By now, I've forgotten what your idea was, but I'll look it up and steal it later. (laugh) Glad you're enjoying this.

TigerTank: lol ur revu wuz soooooo da bomb!11 (shudder) Ugh, I can't stand AIMish, but it really seems to apply here.

Xiao-Darkcloud: Thank you kindly!

mew katt: Be my guest.

eternalnemesis: Thanks! I wasn't sure people would go for the Harmonica, but it seems to be doing alright.

Ri2: Yeah, I feel bad for Link too.

ShadowChocobo: MWAHAHAHA! Logic can NEVER overcome the Sue!

Baron Hausenpheffer: Yeah, I'm pretty certain Sheik's a guy. I hope this chapter's a little better than the last one; I'm pretty proud of it.

Chapter ten… Denial

"How far do you think Ganondorf's lair is?" Riana asks coyly as she falls into step with Link.

The Hero of Time grits his teeth and continues walking. For crying out loud, why are they still in the Market? Why can't this just be over so he can get rid of this annoying little—

"How many sub-dungeons do you think we'll have to navigate through?" Riana persists, still desperately trying to rope him into conversation.

"If there is any mercy in the heavens, we can just skip straight over those," Link answers stiffly, keeping his eyes straight forward. "All I can say is that Ganondorf had better be—"

He stops in his tracks. Riana looks at him curiously, then follows his gaze—and she claps her hands over her mouth. They have arrived at the drawbridge, and what used to be Hyrule Field is in plain sight, spikes glistening menacingly in the sunlight, monsters roaming free, traps, fire, puzzles, mazes, giant rolling stone balls, one gloriously monstrous conglomeration of every Zelda dungeon through which Link has had to wander.

"—close," he finishes.

Tears spring from Riana's lovely eyes. "The monster," she whispers. "How dare he?" She buries her face in her hands, but her sweet voice is somehow unmuffled as she continues, "How could anyone do such a thing to the innocent people of this world?"

"Look, shut up," Link snaps at her. "They're all used to it by now."

"They shouldn't be," Riana sniffs, wiping her eyes. "I vow by the goddesses themselves that I will destroy Ganondorf once and for all, thus liberating the people of Hyrule!"

"That's my job," Link reminds her, feeling a little territorial.

The princess gives him a patronizing smile through her tears. "It was your job," she corrects. "Now that I'm here, you are suddenly incapable of saving the world on your own, even though you've done it solo twenty times before this."

Link begins a quick retort, but she grabs his hand and tugs him across the drawbridge into the sea of spikes and traps and monsters, saying, "Now let's go fulfill our destiny!"

Sheik pulled out his harp. "Follow after me on the Harmonica," he said seriously, and Zelda obediently put the Harmonica of Time to her lips.

Her self-sufficient counterpart plucked out a few notes, then did it again and looked at her expectantly.

Zelda closed her eyes and played along.

Tried to play along.

Instead of notes with secret magic powers, what came out of the Harmonica was a rhapsody of chaos, a conglomeration of every note on the scale played randomly, overlapping each other, sounding like a cat that had just been thrown into the moat.

Sheik's shoulders slumped. "You don't know how to play the harmonica, do you?" he asked wearily.

Zelda stared at the little instrument in astonishment. "I don't know what's wrong! Why isn't it working?"

"Have you ever even tried to play a harmonica before?" Sheik asked, and Zelda glared at him. "No," she snapped, "but I'm Princess Zelda, and these things are supposed to come naturally! Now why isn't the Harmonica working?"

"It isn't working because you have no idea what you're doing," Sheik sighed.

Zelda's face fell. "Then you mean…"

"Yep," Sheik affirmed. "I can't help you any further."

For a moment, Zelda stared at him in disbelief.

Then Sheik flung sand in her face.

"OW!" Zelda shrieked, furiously rubbing it out of her eyes, brushing it off her face, and shaking it out of her hair and clothes. When she looked up, Sheik was not in front of her any longer.

He was by the door, fruitlessly tugging on it, apparently trying to "vanish" into the hallway before Zelda recovered.

"What was that for?" the princess demanded, stalking over to him, and Sheik immediately ran across the room and hid behind a stone pillar.

"Sheik isn't here anymore," he called faintly, trying to disguise his voice by making it several pitches higher.

"Link!" Riana cries. "Behind you!"

Link whirls around and finds himself face-to-face with a squad of Stalfos enemies.

Wondering how on earth this many of the sword-weilding skeletons had gotten behind them when they weren't even twenty feet from the drawbridge, Link unsheathes his sword and prepares to deliver a major rear-kicking, even though the Stalfos technically don't have rears.

Before he can do so, however, Riana flies in and plants herself between him and the monsters.

"Run, Link!" she shouts over her shoulder. "I'll hold them off! Save yourself and then have second thoughts and come back for me!"

Link sighs. "Riana, get out of the way."

"But my love, I—" Riana protests, but Link pushes past her and plows into the horde of enemies.

He only manages to kill one before all the Stalfos stop attacking, stand still, and look past him.

What in the world? Link wonders, then follows their empty gazes to see what it is that has so captivated their attention.

It's Riana, of course… because Riana is dancing.

As her invisible orchestra strikes up an eerie tune to which an invisible choir begins singing in Latin, the princess sweeps her arms gracefully, pirouettes, sways.

Link wants to ask himself just what it is the Sue thinks she's doing, but another thought beats that question into his brain: I want to dance with her.

"NO!" he screams out loud, and he hits himself in the head. "NO, NO, NO!"

Stretching her slender arms to the sky, Riana looks at him with soulful eyes. Misunderstanding him, she cries, "I'm sorry, Link! It's the only way!"

A ball of light appears in her cupped hands, and she brings her arms down and heaves it at the Stalfos with a cry of "Eternal Heavenly Melodic Starfire Harmony Power Attack of Justice and Righteousness!"

The ball of light explodes into a burst of fire and sparkles and shiny little music notes, and the entire group of monsters disintegrates before Link's eyes.

Riana waits until Link turns around to face her before she drops to the ground in a beautifully choreographed dead faint.

"Sheik," Zelda sighed, "I know it's you."

"No it isn't," he insisted in a deep voice this time. "This is… um… the, uh, Great Deku Tree. His spirit—I mean my spirit—back from the grave. Yeah."

Zelda walked behind the pillar. Sheik was crouched there, trying to make himself as small as humanly possible.

"You can't see me," he whispered.

Link's first thought as he stares at Riana's form gracefully sprawled out on the ground is I wonder how far away I can get before she wakes up.

His next is more realistic and more unsettling: I won't be allowed to run away. She'll find me anywhere I go. This is a Mary Sue fic—I'm stuck with her until the story ends.

Feeling as though the world has turned against him, he drops to his knees and lifts Riana's head and shoulders in his arms, noticing uncomfortably that her full lips part ever so slightly, almost begging for mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

He lifts her up, stands, and slings her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

He is not going to give her mouth-to-mouth, and there is no freakin' way he is ever going to kiss her.

Unless the Pendant of Sanity fails, another thought reminds him, and he shudders.

As Sheik tried to hide in plain sight, denying his own existence, Zelda decided to try a new approach.

"Oh my," she said a little too loudly. "Sheik was RIGHT THERE and all of a sudden he DISAPPEARED! I sure am amazed that he can VANISH FROM RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!"

Sheik lifted his head. "That's right," he said warily, testing the waters. "Sheik is gone. He isn't sitting right here."

"Of course he isn't," Zelda agreed.

Sheik stood up and inched toward the window. "He isn't going to try and escape again," he said. "Because, you know, he's already gone. So he doesn't need to."

"That's right," Zelda said. "I am definitely the only person in the room right now."

The Sheikah made a mad dash for the window. He fumbled with the latch for a moment, then said carefully, "Sheik doesn't need help figuring out how to open the window, because he's not going to try and escape again, because he isn't here."

"I think I'll open the window and get a nice breeze going in here." Trying not to look at Sheik, Zelda began to pull on the latch.

No use—it was stuck.

Sheeze, she wondered, does Ganondorf break everything he touches?

"Sheik doesn't need you to hurry," Sheik said urgently. "He's somewhere else, somewhere where there's easy access to a bathroom, which is a good thing because he has to go."

Frustrated, Zelda hit the latch with the heel of her hand. When this failed to disengage it and get the window open, she smacked it with the Harmonica of Time, more out of irritation than anything else.

There was a click, and the window swung open.

Sheik swan-dived over the ledge.

Ignoring his girlish screaming as he realized he was free-falling towards spikes, Zelda stared at the Harmonica of Time in her hands.

Did this thing just open the window latch?

She glanced at the heavy locked door barring her own escape.

Could the Harmonica do it again?

Link has been walking for perhaps five minutes before he feels Riana stir.

"Oh good," he says flatly, "you're awake."

He lets her fall face-first onto the ground and keeps right on walking.