Chapter 10
A.N. I know it's been over a year but I had a real stumbling block with this chapter, even though this is one of my favourite shows and I have all the DVDs and I know a lot of the dialogue by heart. Go figure. In fact, before I became a zennie I had a huge ship for Berg and Irene – their crazy romance in the fourth season is what made me go mad for this show. So I hope there are enough TGAAG fans out there for this chapter to make sense.
Also, I'd like to dedicate this update to Sooki28 because she said Puhlease.
"So," Berg said, straddling a chair backwards as he helped himself to the last slice of Jackie and Donna's pizza, "what did I hear you two stunning ladies say about a house hunt?"
Donna flipped her red hair over her shoulder (she had recently returned to her true colours) and faced her tall blonde inquisitor.
"Oh, we're just thinking of looking for an apartment here in New Boston. You guys wouldn't happen to know of any places, would you?"
Pete's eyes were trained on the small but comely brunette as he said, "As a matter of fact, an apartment has just opened up in our building."
"Really?"
"Yeah! You should come and check it out."
Jackie and Donna shared a why-not look and a shrug. "What the hell? I guess it can't do any harm," Jackie agreed. "Just so long as neither of you two are psycho killers."
A heavy-set middle-aged man came over to their table and put a hand on each of Berg and Pete's shoulders. "Don't you worry, my dear. I can personally vouch for the mental health of each of these fine young men."
"Thanks, Mr Bauer," Berg said.
"So you girls are thinking of moving out here? Sometimes it's good to get a change of scenery… I once took a job as a winter caretaker, in an old hotel in the mountains of Colorado. I thought I could work on my novel, spend some quality time with my family. All work and no play made Jack a dull boy!"
"Alright, well, on that note," Pete said, hastily taking off his apron and grabbing his coat, "shall we?"
As the four young people made a quick exit, Mr Bauer continued to gaze vacantly into space. "I still don't know what came over me."
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As Donna and Jackie walked ahead, Pete hissed to Berg "Let me guess, it was you that slipped Bauer a video tape of The Shining."
Berg grinned at his best friend. "I wanted it to be a surprise for you." Pete continued to fix Berg with his best I-hate-you scowl until Berg threw up his hands in defeat. "Alright. I admit it. My name is Berg and I'm addicted to messing with Pete."
"Cut it out, Berg. I want to make a good impression with Jackie."
"Jackie, huh?" Berg repeated. "Is she 'the one' in your long line of 'ones'?"
"She could be. And if she moves into our building, I'll have plenty of opportunities to find out." Pete nudged Berg suggestively. "That Donna is a looker, hey? She'd be just about up to your height, which is hard to find. And I know you have a thing for redheads."
"What? Who told you that?" Berg said defensively. "I happen to be very egalitarian in my choice of women's hair colour."
"Then how come I keep picking long curly red hairs off your clothes when I'm doing the laundry?" Pete asked. "Are they from that sex buddy you've been so secretive about?"
"Hey, don't call her that, OK," Berg said sharply. "It's demeaning."
"But you do have one, right?"
"Damn straight," Berg replied with a satisfied smile, which then turned into a frown. "That is, until the other night. Yeah, she was getting too clingy so I told her, hey, it's over, deal with it."
"Man, you're such a player," Pete said with reluctant admiration.
"Yep. Lone wolf, that's me."
Meanwhile, Jackie and Donna were having their own private conference.
"This neighbourhood is so sophisticated and – scholarly! It would be so great to have my address in a university town. It sounds so smart. I don't know why people bother going to University, just living close to one gives you enough prestige to impress everyone."
"And here I am wasting 3 years of my life getting a degree," Donna said, shaking her head.
"That's alright for you and Eric, Donna," Jackie said kindly. "When you don't have stunning looks to fall back on, it's wise to get those extra credentials."
"You're so sweet." Donna cast a look back at the two young men behind them. "You know, I think Pete and Berg may have got the impression that we're looking for an apartment just for us."
"Why?"
"Because you never mentioned Hyde back there when Berg was telling us about medical school and Pete about how he just completed his fireman training. Not to mention the way Pete was looking at you the same way Fez looks at a chocolate deluxe sundae which makes me think he doesn't know you're spoken for."
"So, they think it's just you and me, two single young women making it on their own in the big bad city?" Jackie smiled at the notion. "I like that. We'd be just like Laverne and Shirley, except for the whole working in a bottle factory thing. I'm not sure what my career path is yet but I'm pretty certain it doesn't involve bottles."
"Jackie, you have to tell Pete you're engaged," Donna remonstrated. "Otherwise you're leading him on."
"Think about it, Donna," Jackie said. "If we tell them the truth and this vacant apartment is as good as they say, then they might not let us have it but save it for the next two hot single girls who come along." Jackie checked Donna with her hip. "C'mon, Laverne. Go along with this and I could be livng 5 minutes away from you. Wouldn't that be great?"
"Great is a strong word," Donna said in the manner of one having second thoughts. "And why do I have to be Laverne?"
Jackie rolled her eyes. "Hello, planet earth to Donna! Who else would you be? The petite and feminine Shirley? Don't worry about Pete. As soon as we've settled this apartment thing, I'll tell him about Steven. Which reminds me…" Jackie pulled off her engagement ring, slipped it onto her gold chain and then hid it under her sweater. "Ta dah! Now we are Jackie and Donna, two hot and single ladies that are open for business."
Donna made a face. "What, are we going to start a brothel?"
"Ew, gross! Although it wouldn't hurt you to flirt with Berg a little. And do you really need to button your shirt so high?"
"Jackie!"
"What? A woman has to use her best weapons, Donna. And it's no secret the guys are all impressed by those two bazookas you hide under your flannel."
"Alright, that's it." Donna said, turning around as if to go back home. She was forestalled when Pete announced that they were here and Jackie grabbed her arm, anchoring her back to the determined midget's side.
"That's wonderful. We can't wait to see this place," Jackie cooed, batting her eyelashes at Pete. "Donna was just saying how amazing it would be to live next door to Berg."
"Oh really?" Berg replied with a smirk. When Donna said nothing, Jackie promptly stood on her toe.
"Uh, yeah, sure," Donna yelped, wincing in pain.
"I don't know, Donna," Berg said, shaking his head ruefully. "You and me? We're so different – you're a woman, I'm a man… Oh to hell with it, let them judge us."
Just then a short girl emerged through the front door of the apartment building. She had bright blue eyes, long curly red hair and was wearing a bright pink snowsuit with a lime green hat. The strange thing was that although she was a crazy clash of colours, somehow it just suited her. Pete groaned when he spotted her.
"Oh man, not now!" He turned to Jackie. "That's Irene, she lives in the building and she's had this insane crush on me since she moved in," Pete explained.
"Don't call her insane," Berg said shortly. "Irene is a wonderful person. She is sweet, she is caring and in the opinion of the court no longer a danger to herself or society."
Pete looked at Berg strangely. "Whatever. I'm just saying to Jackie, don't be surprised if she flies into one of her jealous rages when she sees me in the company of a beautiful young lady like yourself." Jackie stepped a little closer towards the protection of Donna as she eyed the small redhead at the top of the stairs.
"What's going on here?" Irene asked, her eyes trained on the two girls.
"Now Irene, I want you to stay calm – don't make a scene." Pete approached her cautiously, holding up his hands in a conciliatory gesture. "The truth is that these girls may be interested in the vacant apartment – and possibly dating us. Now, like I've told you, I think of you as my neighbour and almost a friend so please don't embarrass yourself by – "
Irene cut through his diatribe. "Berg, can I talk to you?"
"Sure," Berg said, quickly following her into the building and then into her apartment while Pete stood out on the stoop, wondering what the hell just happened.
"What is it now, Irene?" Berg said, a hard edge in his voice.
"Oh, nothing. Just wanted to see how you are."
"Why? Because last night you told me it was over and I should just deal with it? Like that would cause me any heartache."
"That's good."
"Good."
Irene looked as though words were building up inside of her until the volcano had to erupt. "Cut the ribbon, Berg! Who is she and what are you doing showing her that apartment?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?" Berg said, fixing a cold eye on the only girlfriend who had ever dumped him. His one consolation was that nobody knew of their affair, as they had conducted it in strict secrecy since Irene still had feelings for Pete and did not want to jeopardize her chances with him. That had been fine with Berg when he had looked on Irene as a sex buddy but somewhere along the way, against all odds, his feelings had somehow become… deeper. Which was crazy, because when had he ever been deep?
Irene crossed her arms and gave her former lover the evil eye. "I think I have a right to know!"
Berg curled his lip at her. "Well, file a complaint with the I-blew-my-shot-with-Berg committee and we'll review it." Walking out the door, he threw back over his shoulder, "In the meantime, I have a new neighbour to befriend."
Irene bubbled with frustration as her door slammed behind her ex.
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"So, over here we have the living room which opens out to the balcony," Pete continued, giving Donna and Jackie the grand tour.
"This place is gorgeous," Jackie enthused. "So, what are the other neighbours like?"
"Well, everybody in the building is in their twenties, has a gift for witty verbal sparring and is exceptionally good looking," Pete answered. "Funny, it's never occurred to me what a strange coincidence that is until now."
"Wow, Steven and I will fit in perfectly," Jackie exclaimed, clapping her hands in excitement.
"Steven?" Pete said. "Who's Steven?"
"Ah… that's just my nickname for Donna," Jackie covered, linking her arm in her friend's. "You know, because she's so mannish. Right – Steven?"
Donna looked down with steely eye on her friend. "Yeah, sure. Like the way I call you by your middle name – Beulah."
Jackie gasped in outrage. "Lumberjack!"
"Midget!"
Pete regarded the two girls with new eyes. So, that's the way they swing!
Berg entered the room, followed by a very pretty woman with short blonde hair and a handsome working-man type. "Look who I found," Berg said. "Sharon, Johnny, this is Donna and Jackie. They're thinking of renting this place."
"Hi," they all said together.
"Sharon went to college with Berg and I," Pete explained, "We've been friends ever since."
"Yeah, she's the girl to our two guys," Berg added.
"It's nice to meet you," Donna said politely. "You know, I'll be starting college next month. I'm going to take journalism and become a writer."
"That's great," Sharon said. "Where do you want to go from there?"
"I'm hoping to freelance, sell stories on cool rock bands to Rolling Stone, uncover political corruption for the New York Times. That kind of thing."
"Good for you. When I was at college, I majored in environmental issues," Sharon said reminiscently. "I was going to learn how to save the planet and make the world a better place."
"Really? So what do you do now?"
"She's the press agent for this big corporate chemical company," Johnny supplied. "When there's a chemical spill in the Galapagos Islands, she's the one to spin it so you'd think those turtles really lucked out, having some experimental goop clean all the algae off their shells."
Sharon sighed sadly. "I know. I'm selling my soul!"
"But you make like a bzillion dollars doing it," Berg pointed out.
"Ugh, I hate myself!"
"But you love your Beamer!" Pete reminded
Sharon sat up, newly energized. "Love it!" She did a little dance while her husband looked on fondly. That was when Jackie noticed their wedding rings.
"Oh, are you two married?" she asked.
"For the last six months," Johnny confirmed, putting an arm around his wife.
"Oh, that is sweet! I can't wait until Steven and I get married."
Pete looked at Jackie and Donna doubtfully. "Is that legal in Wisconsin?"
Jackie gave a weak laugh. "Yes, well… anyhow, this place is lovely. Donna and I just need a little time to think it over. Perhaps we could come back tomorrow? I'd like to show this place to a friend of mine before I make any decision."
"Sure," Pete said. "Meet you here at 5 o'clock?"
"We'll see you then." Jackie grabbed Donna's hand and tugged her through the front door. "Bye!"
"So, is Jackie 'the one'" Berg asked Pete.
"Unfortunately, it turns out we have too much in common," Pete sighed. "We both like girls."
"Too bad, man."
"Ah well. There is a bright side. After all, the next best thing to living next to two hot girls who like you is living next to two hot girls who like each other. Think of the fantasies, guys!"
"Yeah!" Berg and Johnny agreed with wide smiles.
"Ugh," Sharon said. "I can see why some women give up on your gender."
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"So," Eric said as Donna entered the basement. "Where have you been all day?"
"Apartment hunting," Donna replied.
"What, Jackie roped you into that?" Hyde said, looking up from his magazine. "I thought you were smarter than that, Donna."
"Well, I guess your opinion of my intelligence is really going to take a nosedive when I confess that it was my idea." The two guys laughed at the notion. "Yeah, I know. This morning I had this crazy idea that we all could live in New Boston together. Now, five hours later, I find myself cast in the role of Jackie's lesbian fiancé."
"Oh Donna," Hyde said with a big open mouthed smile. "Just let me grab some of my finest and you will tell us every incredible, titillating detail about your day."
One hour later…
Jackie walked into the smokey basement to find Hyde, Eric and Donna rolling around on the floor laughing so hard they were fighting for breath.
"Hey guys. What's so funny? Oh, what am I talking about, you guys are so ripped you'd probably laugh at Bob's jokes."
"H-h-hey, Jacks," Hyde wheezed, pulling himself up onto his chair and then sitting Jackie down on his lap. "Donna told us you guys were looking at an apartment today." Jackie shot a quick look at Donna who was avoiding her eye. "She said you wanted me to go have a look at it tomorrow."
"Is that all she told you?" Jackie asked suspiciously.
"What more is there to tell?"
"Nothing," Jackie said quickly. "Nothing at all."
"So then, the four of us will drive up there tomorrow?" Eric said casually.
Jackie looked at Eric quizzically. "You want to come, Eric?"
"Oh, I wouldn't miss this."
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"So, what do you think, Steven? Isn't this a great place to live?"
"It looks OK from the outside," Hyde admitted. The four friends were standing outside the apartment building, perusing the exterior. "Shall we meet the neighbours?"
"Yes, one thing before we go in," Jackie said uneasily, shooting a look at Donna. "I think it would be best if we don't tell the people we're meeting that you and I are a couple."
"And why is that, Jackie?" Hyde asked patiently.
"Oh, silly thing, these two guys are renting it out and I think they'll give us a much better deal if they think it's two girls signing on instead of a guy and a girl. But as soon as the bargain is struck I'll come clean." She snuggled up to Hyde seductively. "I'm just trying to save you money, baby."
"Well, that's a nice change," Hyde said. "Okay then, let the games begin."
As they entered the foyer, Irene came out of her apartment. She stopped when she saw Donna. "Oh, it's you!"
"Uh… hi, Irene, isn't it?"
"Hi," Irene said in sweet tones. "It's so nice to meet a new friend of Berg's. I want to know all about you. So, tell me, what's your address?" The steely look in her eyes made Donna grab Eric's sleeve and start knocking on Pete and Berg's door. Irene huffed at her quarry's escape and retreated to her apartment.
"Hey Pete, Hey Berg," Jackie greeted cheerfully. "I'd like you to meet our friends, Eric and Hyde."
"Good to meet you guys," Pete said, shaking their hands. After he had given the two men a tour of the apartment, Pete remarked "You all must be close friends, if Jackie and Dona need your opinion on which apartment to rent."
"Well, you see Pete," Eric explained, a devilish light in his eyes. "Even though Jackie and Donna like to assume some roles that are traditionally the province of men, they still respect our opinion. Which is good – I like to think a man has some use in their lives."
Jackie looked at Eric, mystified. "What on earth are you talking about?"
"Oh, don't play dumb, Beulah," Hyde said. "We've long come to terms with the special bond you have with your Steven." He nodded significantly towards Donna. Jackie's mouth fell open in shock, especially when Donna came over and put her arm around Jackie.
"Enough of this pretence, my little passionflower," Donna said, crushing Jackie to her bosom. "If we are going to live here, we should declare our love openly. Now stop hiding that engagement ring I gave you and wear it like a proud gay woman should." Before Jackie knew what was happening, Donna had pulled the hidden engagement ring off Jackie's necklace and was kneeling before her on bended knee. However, Donna found her hand was shaking too much with suppressed laughter to put the ring on Jackie's finger and suddenly the dam had burst and Hyde, Eric and Donna were shouting great gusts of hilarity.
Jackie looked around at her three friends and a mystified Pete and Berg with glittering eyes. "You… you… Laverne!" she screamed at Donna, grabbing her ring back and running out the front door.
When he had caught his breath, Hyde straightened up and said "I'd better go after her."
"Wait, Hyde," Donna said, "What do you think of the apartment? Do you want it?"
"What, and spend two hours commuting every day?" Hyde asked with raised eyebrows. "Are you crazy?" Then he was gone.
"Well, that was a big waste of time," Donna said, plopping onto the sofa.
"I don't get it. What happened here?" Pete asked.
"You want to know what happened? I'll tell you what happened," Berg declared, the light of inspiration in his eyes. "Sometimes people are drawn together by a force greater than themselves into a relationship some close-minded people would call unnatural, but when is love something unnatural? Donna, your bravery just now has inspired me to make my own confession – I love Irene!"
Pete fell to a crouching position on the floor, gasping in horror. "Berg – NO! She's so weird and obsessive and no-one ever knows what crazy thing she's going to do next! And you're so…" Pete thought about it for a moment. "Huh. Actually, now I think about it, you are kind of well matched."
"Thank you for your blessing, my friend," Berg said. "Now I am going to get my woman."
As Berg marched out the door purposefully, Donna turned to Pete. "Do you think I should tell him that it was all a joke and Jackie and I aren't really lovers?"
Pete shook his head sadly, this last revelation leaving him a broken man. "Let him keep his illusions, Donna. Be content in having taken mine away."
"Sorry, man," Eric said in sympathy. "That was harsh."
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