Mock Effect 2
Chapter 11: Going Up?
INT:NORMANDY CREW DECK: DAY
(Having come off her red sand high, JANE stops by SAMARA's room to see if she did anything really embarrassing. Samara is meditating on the floor and a freaky blue light is emanating from her eyes. Jane coughs discreetly and Samara stands up.)
JANE: Just stopping by to see how you're settling in. You're not big on furniture, are you?
SAMARA: I am well. Though I would ask you to do me a favor.
JANE: Sure. What do you need? A butt cushion?
SAMARA: Oh, my, that would be nice, but I would also like an explanation of a strange encounter I had with your crew.
JANE: What did Johnny do now?
SAMARA: Your brother? Nothing that can't be explained by his unfortunate condition. I'm sure getting stuck in the ventilation shafts above the women's showers is just part of life when struggling with Tourette's. No, I ran into Jacob, Miranda, and Garrus in the galley. They all seemed particularly amused at something, and I asked them why. They said they were simply pleased at my presence on board the ship. Jacob said something about their having studied my profile extensively and being satisfied with my performance, the entire area broke down in laughter. Perhaps it's my lack of experience with your race, but the humor in his statement eludes me. What was so clever in that straightforward comment?
JANE: Uh… well … he was referring to… er… that is… (mutters) No, I am not pissing off a biotic on my new ship, I don't care if it's the paragon thing to do! (normal voice) Just ignore them Samara. They are in shock at having such a … distinguished … new comrade.
SAMARA: All right, dear, it's already forgotten. Now may I get back to my meditations?
JANE: Don't you want to know anything about our mission? Who we're working for?
SAMARA: Oh, never you mind that, dear. Samara doesn't worry herself with little things like facts. Your picking up a shipping manifest for me is enough to ensure my loyalty through just about anything except creating a huge biotic shield in a disaster area.
JANE: It doesn't bother you that you're working for terrorists?
SAMARA: Now, now, dear, that delightful Yeoman Chambers assured me that they are nothing of the kind. She said you were a bit paranoid about them, but I wasn't to worry.
JANE: She did, did she?
SAMARA: When you've been in unrestricted law enforcement as long as I have, dear, you don't mind working for a few mass murderers now and again. Or was that murdering a few of the working masses? Never you mind. I'll be here staring out into nothingness if you need me.
JANE: Right. Thanks. Enjoy… that.
(Shaking her head at the unique luck that every person they'd been sent to recruit was a complete crackpot , JANE makes her way to the Med Bay, where she finds JOHN taking a nap on one of the stretchers)
JANE: (Shaking him) Come on, you little pervert, we have an assassin to find.
JOHN: (sleepily) No, Mom, she was just a friend! I have no idea what her father is talking about… Huh? Did someone say Ass?
JANE: Ass-assin. As in one of those fellows who's preventing the Templars from taking over the world by making sure we don't enjoy our ignorance?
JOHN: Hey I loved that game. Except for the hiding in hay bales business. Are there seriously any guards who don't notice someone's venetian blue butt sticking out of a hay bale?
JANE: I'm sure we'll talk more about this later. Let's get moving! Liara said to talk to a "Seryna."
(Selecting GRUNT & JACK at random, they disembark, and proceed to SEYRNA's Office)
JANE: Seryna?
SERYNA: For the last time, I had nothing to do with that "kill Nassana now dot com" site. Just drop it!
JANE: What website? Liara T'Soni said you could help us find a guy named Thane.
SERYNA: That power broker who used to be an archaeologist? She never called me back! That's what I get for drinking too much. She probably decided I'm bitter or something.
JANE: Bitter enough to hire an assassin? Perhaps one named Thane?
SERYNA: I mean, it's not like I didn't work my butt off for that company, and then find out the boss is a sadistic murderess. Why shouldn't I be bitter? I just haaaad to google her. It's a shame really, I would have been good enough to stop a legendary assassin like Thane from getting to her.
JOHN: So where is this guy?
SERYNA: I mean, I'm not overly bitter about losing my top of the line job on this planet of sorority girls where status is everything, I'm just resentful that it happened to me. Just think of the health benefits I lost.
JOHN: You're going lose your head benefit if you don't shut up and start telling me where we can find that assassin.
SERYNA: Fine. Be that way. He's sneaking up the Dantius Towers tonight. I can take you over there if you want. It'll give me time to explain why I gave away all of Nassana's secrets to a complete stranger.
JACK: TAXI!
(A Taxi pulls up to the window, and the SHEPERDS pile in, followed hastily by GRUNT and JACK. They close the door in SERYNA's face but not before a certain phalange is raised in mock farewell. )
INT:DANTIUS TOWERS:FIRST FLOOR:NIGHT
(The taxi takes them to the DANTIUS TOWERS, but the driver sensibly refuses to go to the top floor and lets them off half way up the second tower. Just as they step out of the taxi, they spot some Mechs shooting at some very scared salarians. After a short skirmish, they approach the lone survivor)
WOUNDED SALARIAN: Help! I'm bleeding! Or I assume that's what this green stuff is. Ow. Yep. Definitely bleeding.
JANE: Who shot you?
WS: Uh… you were there. Those Robots? You shot them? Remember? Figures I get the one rescuer in the world with no short term memory. By the way… still bleeding.
JANE: But why would they shoot you?
GRUNT: I believe we can attribute this to an assurance from the developers that antagonists of this mission are truly evil and deserve death. Therefore, they may be killed with impunity and no moral implications need be considered.
JACK: Hey! Krogan are supposed to be dumb. You're big and dumb, I'm a crazy bitch. Stick to the script!
JOHN: Yeah, Wrex! Stick to the script!
GRUNT: I'm not Wrex. See, no gravel in my voice when I say "Shepard"
JANE: Whatever, Wrex. Now why did they shoot you?
WS: At this point, I don't care. Again, I'm bleeding to death here, is this really the time to interrogate me?
JOHN: Seems fine to me. You're here. We're here. You can answer questions.
(The Wounded Salarian's Eye roll goes further than he intended, and he falls unconscious due to blood loss. JANE finally takes the hint and puts some medigel on his wounds. The WS's breathing improves, but he doesn't get up and dance any highland flings. The team continues their ascent. Nassana's Mercenaries and Robots, feeling very guilty from their afternoon atrocities, commit suicide by running en masse at the heavily armed troop wandering through their hallways.)
JOHN: Did you hear something?
JANE: Sounded like the elevator.
JACK: BLEEPin' more of them?
GRUNT: (Dispirited) We kill. Rah.
(A few overly regretful Mercs step out of the Elevator into heavy fire. Thanks to Bioware's convenient if awkward DLC, JACK & GRUNT's Geth Plasma Cannons take them all out before JOHN gets a shot or wisecrack in edgewise. JANE pauses to unlock a side door before going upstairs)
JOHN: Why do you keep doing that?
JANE: There might be loot inside!
JOHN: This is not Dragon Age or Fallout! There is no good stuff hidden in every room!
(The door opens and three nervous Salarians peek out)
S1: uh… Hi?
S2: Can we help you?
S3: We're just hiding from certain death, don't mind us.
JANE: You can come out now, we've killed all the mercenaries on this floor.
S1: We're fine in here thanks.
S2: You people do not look like you're here for the Christmas party.
S3: Human Resources is upstairs.
JACK: Wait, you mean you BLEEPin' knew they were killers?
S1: Well, we needed a job, and we're honorable employees who keep all the terms of our respective contracts.
S2: And bad things happened to people who clocked out early.
S3: And they had the elevator closed down. I am not walking down all those stairs. My union would have a fit!
JOHN: So you work for a murderous psychopath who kills people to make minor advances in her goals?
JANE: Gee, I can't imagine what that's like.
(After JOHN "borrows their wallets" and JACK takes the remaining medical supplies and credits left in the room, they lock them back in, with JANE still shaking her head at the stupidity of their [and her] position. They go upstairs, slowly walking up on a Mercenary having a conversation on his Bluetooth.)
INT: DANTIUS TOWERS: SECOND FLOOR: NIGHT
MERC: Yeah, man, that sucks. If she was worth it at all, she would have stuck around. I don't care who you cheated on her with. Yeah. Uh-huh. REALLY? No way!
(JANE taps him on the shoulder)
MERC: Listen, Lady, I'm on the phone. Yeah, Charlie? I don't know what. Some bunch of idiots wants to talk to me. Yeah, I told them I was on the phone. Now what were you saying about the blonde? No way! I would have sworn that …
(GRUNT hits him on the back)
MERC: Hey, Man! I'm talking here! No, Charlie, just some dumb bitch who won't take no for an answer. I know, right? Some people have no telephone etiquette these days. Last week I was at the Mercs-r-us, and this woman chatted the whole time we were in line, and I'm thinking she's into me, right? No. She's on her fricking headset!
(JOHN shoots a hole in the floor between the MERC's legs)
JOHN: The next one will be higher.
MERC: Listen, Charlie, I gotta let you go. Something's come up. No, don't worry about it, I'll call you later. (To them) Can I HELP you?
JANE: We want to know where the assassin is.
MERC: What assassin? I've been out here on the phone.
JOHN: (To JACK) Watch this, I'm going to shove him up against the wall and swear at him, he'll tell us everything.
(Even as JANE says "WAIT!" JOHN grabs the MERC by the collar shoves him up against what must be the most fragile window in skyscraper history. He loses control and the Merc plunges through the minor barrier to a painful demise)
MERC: Nooooooooo Waaaaaayyyyyyy!
(JOHN is only prevented from going through the window himself by JANE's sticking out a foot to trip him as he got close. He is hauled to safety, though unhappy at the MERC's Demise)
JOHN: Man, I had a good one liner all ready! "How About Goodbye?"
JANE: What is this, Die Hard?
GRUNT: The similarities are hard to ignore. I would wager fifty credits that body lands on a police vehicle's roof.
JACK: We are not having a conversation about BLEEPin' Twinkies! Got it?
(JOHN's disappointed mutterings are cut off by a body dropping through the air vent, and the sounds of someone crawling in the ventilation shafts.)
VOICE IN VENTS: Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs, they said. But nooooo.
JANE: We should go.
(Their brief encounter with the commando's "team" not being even worth significant detail, they find another room of very scared salarians who have no concept of common sense, but are helpful enough with directions to the bridge to Nassana's penthouse. The team goes up a flight and come across a speaker phone)
NASSANA: HELLO? Is anyone there? Is the one security guard scenario again? Hasn't it been overworked?
JOHN: Actually, Ma'am, there are four of us. And we think one guy in the vents.
JANE: HEY!
JOHN: What? It's not like it's not the first place they look anymore. They shoot a couple of rounds in them to satisfy their curiosity, all of which miss the hero by inches, then everyone moves on. It's standard procedure.
NASSANA: He's right. And you wouldn't believe what's in the stupid henchman contracts these days. Life Insurance! So who do you think you are anyway? John Wayne? Will Kane? Rambo?
JOHN: (waving the others off) I got this. (to speaker) I was always partial to Roy Rogers, myself.
NASSANA: We will get you, you know.
JOHN: Yippee-Kai-Yay, Mother-(BLAM, JANE shoots the speaker box) HEY! Are you trying to make this like Die Hard 4? Censored? A good F-bomb livens things up a little!
JANE: God, I hope this story turns out better than Die Hard 4. There are some things that shouldn't be resurrected.
GRUNT: Nostalgia trumps plotline in every drama, or "we see what we wish to see"
(They keep going, eventually reaching a bridge full of determined mercenaries who forgot the most important part of working on the roof of an unfinished skyscraper: Parachutes. JACK's biotic bowling balls send most of them over the side and the rest scurrying for cover. The team opens Nassana's office door with little difficulty)
NASSANA: YOU! You're dead!
JOHN: I got better.
JANE: Forgive him. He thinks life is one big action movie.
NASSANA'S AIDE: Don't worry, she's the same way. She thinks she's the new queen of the mafia. Just because she talked some idiot into killing her sister.
JANE: Well, there are all those bodies of innocent workers down there…
AIDE: She's into realism.
JOHN: We're waiting for the big show.
NASSANA: What show?
JOHN: (Suddenly puzzled) Ummm… no show in particular. We were just out for a walk, and Jane said there would be a show here.
NASSANA: So you slaughtered your way through my contingent of bodyguards to … see a show?
JOHN: Er… yeah. Jane said it was really great.
NASSANA: Right. What is that you want?
(JANE & the AIDE share mutual expressions of disgust. A small sound comes from the air vents, as if someone just stubbed their toe on a bracer)
JACK: Offer us money!
AIDE: Ma'am, did you hear that?
NASSANA: Fine. And no, I didn't hear anything.
(Meanwhile, in the background, Nassana's remaining guards begin to vanish up the air vents one by one.)
GRUNT: Power too!
AIDE: Ma'am, someone's in the vents!
NASSANA: Sure, all the power you want. Nonsense! I had someone shoot a few holes in them a few minutes ago.
(The guard next to the AIDE clutches her neck and falls unconscious.)
JOHN: Offer me anything I ask for!
AIDE: Ma'am, I quit! This job is too stressful! (Runs for her life)
NASSANA: Anything you want! What was her problem?
THANE: (dropping down beside NASSANA) I want my father back, you son of a bitch.
(He pulls a blaster out of his holster and almost tenderly shoots her in the stomach, laying her to rest on her massive desk.)
THANE: Actually, she had nothing to do with my father, but seeing as most of this scene was ripped off from Princess Bride, I thought only polite to finish it properly.
(THANE folds his hands in prayer, but is interrupted from the table)
NASSANA: OOOooooowwwwwww. That hurts. A lot. I'm gonna get sepsis from this, aren't I? Probably hit a few blood vessels too. Ow. Nope. I'm still here. HEY! You shot me! In the gut! When I can get up, I'm going to have your – (THANE double taps her head, then returns to praying)
GRUNT: Are either of you going to point out that she doesn't deserve prayer? It was well established earlier that her character was ruthless and without any sort of pity.
JOHN: I'm thinking I'm not going to interrupt the guy who just took out 7 mercs with his bare hands and a bit of fishing twine, but if you want to bother him, be my guest.
JANE: I'm with him.
THANE: I'm not praying for her. I'm praying for me. If this "rescue" is any indicator of what I'm in for, I'm going to need it.
JANE: A valid point. How do you feel about taking on jobs for terrorists with good intentions?
THANE: I was going to retire, but I suppose one last job wouldn't hurt.
JOHN: Dude, never say that!
THANE: What, "one last job can't hurt"?
JOHN: No! "Retire" It's a sure sign the writers are trying to kill you off!
THANE: Oh they already did that. I'm dying.
JANE: Crap. All this climbing for nothing.
THANE: No, not necessarily. I'm not dead yet, but I desperately need to bring my karma up a few levels before kicking the bucket, or I'm going to end up where they make you dance the funky chicken while listening to Justin Bieber for eternity.
JANE: Well I don't know about Karma, but we are going after bad guys who have kidnapped entire colonies.
THANE: Hmm, that might be enough, but just in case, I had better do this mission for free. It can't be hurt to be seen as altruistic by any flying spaghetti monsters up there.
JANE: That's fine by me. See you on the ship.
INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK: DAY
JACOB: Welcome to the Normandy, Krios. Sounds like you'll be an asset to the team… if they like assassins!
THANE: Is there a problem?
JANE: No. The writers thought it would be fun to stick a little jealousy in here since they think that the only reason I would bring a male character on board is to have sweaty alien sex with him.
JOHN: Ewww! Gross!
JACOB: I had a shot until you got here, Krios!
JANE: No you didn't. And neither does he, for the record.
JOHN: I think I'm gonna barf.
THANE: Hmm. Well, where should I stay?
JANE: Where do you want to stay?
THANE: Warm and dry would be nice. I'm a lizard man, so it's kind of obvious.
EDI: The warmest and driest place on the ship is presently Window Washer Shepard's Quarters in the life support area.
JOHN: What? Wait a second. Not again. Not my room. I will fight to the death for my room, Jane. Not gonna happen!
JANE: Fine. Thane, your choice of weapon?
THANE: I choose my little finger. Though that might make the contest a bit short. Sorry. I've had a long day.
JOHN: HA! Your pinkie? You're going to try and kill me with your pinkie?
(JOHN's smirk fades as THANE waggles said finger)
JOHN: You know, on second thought, I think I'll move down to engineering. Scotty and that other chick have a ton of extra space, and I don't snore too much… so I think I'll move down there.
THANE: (cracking his knuckles) A wise decision.
JANE: Thanks, Johnny. I knew I could count on you.
(JOHN walks off muttering…)
JOHN: Window Washer Shepard? JANE!