Disclaimer: yui doesn't own HnG.
Inside and out
By miyamoto yui
Chapter 9 – mae ni. (in front.)
After the talk with my mother, she stayed with me the rest of the day. Even though she wanted me to stay at home with her or come with me, I told her that I would be fine.
I waited at the hospital for Hikaru until I checked out, but he never came. My heart was ruptured a little by this.
And so, my mother and I parted ways.
"Promise me you'll call if you want anything. Anything at all, okay?" she asked me as she let go of my hand.
I nodded. "Yes, thank you."
But I caught her hand and kissed her on the cheek. "Thank you for trusting me, even now."
Then, I let her go as she smiled and shook her head. "Akira, I know you better than you know yourself. I'm your mother."
I went in a cab to my apartment and as I sat there, my thoughts were still with Hikaru.
How are you feeling at this moment? Where could you possibly be?
But his voice kept on repeating in my head, "I'm sorry, Aki…"
You don't need to apologize, Hikaru.
And don't hide from me. Just come back to me…
When I got to the elevator of my apartment, I couldn't believe that just a few hours ago, I was at a hospital. I was waiting for Hikaru and I knew he was so guilty that he wouldn't show up there. I knew that, but I still hoped he could see past all that.
"I love you that much, you idiot," I said as I got off the elevator.
But I stopped walking as I saw Hikaru sitting on the floor next to my door with his head down. "Hikaru…"
He didn't hear me at all.
As I walked over and knelt in front of him, I touched his bangs gently.
"Huh?" Hikaru lifted up his head to reveal a tear-strained face.
"You could have gone in, you know…" I tried to joke.
I wasn't going to pry anymore if it brought this much pain to both of us…
I didn't want those eyes of his crying…
"But-" he tried to say, but I interrupted him. I leaned forward and kissed him on the lips in the middle of that hall. "Just shut up and come inside."
I opened the door and he hesitantly came in. I practically needed to pull him with my hand over his.
Still holding onto his hand, I put down the bag I had with me, closed the door, and pulled him to come to the bedroom.
I sat on my bed and sighed as he stood in front of me. I looked up to him with both of my hands holding onto both of his.
The only thing I could say was, "I waited for you to come back."
"I couldn't." He looked away from me. "You had an awful dream again, didn't you? I just knew after that that you probably didn't want to see me anymore. You were holding my hand, but I didn't know what it meant."
"Why do you always look away whenever it's something important, Hikaru?" I became annoyed and tears ran down my face before I could stop them. "Please look at me!"
He slowly turned his head to me.
"Then, if you thought that, why did you end up here?"
"Because I didn't know where else to go to." He shook his head as he knelt in front of me. Then, he hugged me around the shoulders. "I didn't mean to not tell you anything. I was going to tell you eventually but I wasn't ready yet. And then you asked about Sai and I didn't know what to say."
Why…
Why do you always disappear when it comes to Sai, Hikaru?
I couldn't breathe from the impact of it all, but I was trying my hardest. I lifted up my arms to hug him as I quietly said, "It's all right, Hikaru. You don't have to tell me anymore. I won't ask anymore."
But at that moment, I gulped and let go of him. I stood up and went to my closet to start changing.
I felt as if I had signed something away when I told him that. There would be a part that I would never know because he was too scared to tell me. But I couldn't understand what he was so scared about.
I took off my shirt and put a pajama top on.
What was it, Hikaru? This is killing me more than you know.
"I'll tell you everything someday," you told me with a soft smile on your face.
At that moment, did he understand what I meant after all the hints I told him? It had been two years and four months: Forever.
Would someone be able to share something with me without holding back? And that I would feel comfortable sharing also?
I took off my pants and just threw them into the hamper at the side. I didn't even bother to put the bottoms on as I turned around to find Hikaru standing in back of me.
"What do you mean, 'I won't ask anymore'?" he asked me as he looked at me with confused eyes.
I clearly looked at him even though I felt a knife thrust into me. "It doesn't matter anymore, Hikaru."
I put my hand on his cheek and looked at him. Then, I pulled his shoulder with my other hand. I whispered into his ear, "I don't know who you really are."
I took his shirt and began to take off the buttons. "I don't know the old Shindou, but I know only of the one who is standing in front of me."
Pushing him onto the bed, he looked at me with this hurt look as I leaned down to kiss him on the lips. "If Sai is the cause of our problems, then I'll never talk about him again."
Hikaru didn't say a word as he looked up at me.
I stared into those eyes that reflected back at me.
"No, you shouldn't forget, Sai. He wouldn't have liked that…
"But, do you hate me for this, Aki?" he finally asked me as his glassy eyes watched me so carefully.
Those unsure eyes…
The old Shindou…
"I could never hate you, Hikaru." I blinked and looked down at him with a concerned face.
I felt my heart cringe all over again.
I brushed his bangs away and kissed his forehead. "You don't have to say sorry, Hikaru. Nothing at all. I just have to accept this…"
Tears fell on his face again. I couldn't hold them back. "…this part of you I'll never know."
"Aki…" He kissed my tears as they came down. Then, he kissed me on the mouth.
"Don't look at me like that," I told him as tried my best to smile. I looked at him so deeply that I almost felt like I was dreaming.
"The only important thing is the person in front of me," I told him.
Yes, that was all that mattered…
I just had to accept that I would probably never know, but that was okay.
I just had to persist even more, right?
"Let's go out," I told him as he opened his eyes a bit wide while protesting by saying, "But you just came from the hospital."
I got off the bed and winked at him. "Well, that just means you'll have to carry me back to my apartment, doesn't it?"
"Aki…" His serious face began to break as a smile formed on his face. "You're really awful."
Then, I leaned forward as I pounced on him like a tiger. Just to spite him, I teased, "If you only knew what I imagined about you _before_ we got together."
I laughed as I got up and he grabbed my hand with a worried face. "You're not serious, are you? Even then?"
"You're slow, Shindou," I purred as I went in front of my closet to get a pair of pants.
"Who's slow?" he asked me with a pout as he sat on my bed.
"Try to say that a little bit faster while I'm changing in front of you," I teased even more.
It doesn't matter…
As long as you're with me, Hikaru…
I'll just have to make my own definitions if you won't tell me them directly because you mean that much to me…
At that moment, he grabbed my waistband and zipped up the zipper while poking my belly button. "If that's the case, then I'll just help you with changing."
His smile became a wide grin.
With a deadpan look, I said, "Pervert."
"No, it's called possessive." His grin became even wider.
Then, we went out to walk around the town.
It was a great plan until we found ourselves in front of the subway station and I said, "Where do we go?"
Hikaru slapped his hand on his forehead. "You act like you've never gone around Tokyo."
I blinked at him and gave him a slightly guilty face.
"Gah. You really are just into Go, aren't you?" His boyfriend was a sad, sad individual and the shock on his face expressed it all for me.
"Well, besides you," I honestly said with a sheepish smile, "Then yes, that's correct."
"Aki." He held my shoulders while sighing. "I think you're really smart, but sometimes you just amaze me."
"So, I'm boring." I closed my eyes and pouted while turning around with my arms folded. "Is that what you're trying to say?"
"Why do you always misinterpret what I'm trying to tell you?"
"Well, what WERE you trying to say?" I asked with a slightly higher voice.
"That I'll just pick where we're going since it's obvious that you don't know where to go!"
That comment made me twitch. "So now I've become useless! Hmph!"
"Aki!"
"Shindou!"
He sighed as I firmly kept my arms folded in front of me. I was not going to budge.
I glanced at him for a moment as he shook his head. Then, he pulled my chin so that I would look directly at him. With a power and charisma I couldn't resist, his eyes looked at me with so much intensity. Then, he calmly said, "Would you please go wherever I take you? Is that all right with you, Aki?"
"Okay…"
You caught me off guard again with those wonderful eyes of yours…
I slowly nodded my head as he sighed in relief while holding his chest a bit. Then, he pulled on my sleeve since we never held hands in public. We were still too shy to do that.
And so, he took me to all these places that he went to when he was little. From ice cream shops to the park, he tried to tell me everything he could about himself. I laughed and smiled at his stories as he tried his best to answer the questions that he felt he should answer for me.
I just listened and wondered what I would share with him next time we went out.
As we sat in the subway, while going home, I looked at Hikaru and leaned my head on his shoulder because I was exhausted. He turned red, but didn't say anything. In fact, he put his arm around me.
"I'll never understand you, Aki."
"I should be the one talking," I laughed as I closed my eyes. "Thank you for showing me around."
When we got back to my apartment, I kissed him as soon as I closed the door. Then, we went straight to bed.
I looked at the window, but Hikaru put his arm over my waist while whispering, "Aki, I promise to tell you when I'm ready. About everything. Thank you for being patient with a dope like me."
I pulled his arm and kissed it. I closed my eyes as I answered, "Didn't I tell you how you played was what you were? And that was enough for me?"
What's in front of me is all that matters…
You are everything to me.
That's why I'll wait. That's why I can painfully take anything.
"Yes, but you collapsed because-"
"Because I thought you wouldn't let me have everything," I interrupted.
He kissed the back of my neck. "I never said that. And I will never say that, Aki."
Hikaru held me tighter as he said through the darkness around us, "That's why I struggled so hard to get here. I _want_ you to have everything."
I asked him, "But what is in our way then if we both feel this way?"
With a voice as if he was about to cry, he whispered quietly, "Sai."
Why?
I turned around and hugged him as tightly as I could.
What was this pain you couldn't tell me about? Why does it always make you freeze and grow numb?
But this is a start. You've told me a little about why we are a little distant from one another…
I kissed his forehead.
"Hikaru, stay with me…in mind and body…
That is all that matters to me.
You and I always try so hard for one another.
And so, this is enough for now."
I believe in us.
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: Oh, I love how they fight! I think that's one of their best moments because you see them reverse rolls. Plus you see the dichotomy of their personalities as well as their relationship. The serious Aki is now a childish teen while Hikaru seems to be more experienced in the ways of the world while he's the one who usually acts like a kid.
Inside and out
By miyamoto yui
Chapter 9 – mae ni. (in front.)
After the talk with my mother, she stayed with me the rest of the day. Even though she wanted me to stay at home with her or come with me, I told her that I would be fine.
I waited at the hospital for Hikaru until I checked out, but he never came. My heart was ruptured a little by this.
And so, my mother and I parted ways.
"Promise me you'll call if you want anything. Anything at all, okay?" she asked me as she let go of my hand.
I nodded. "Yes, thank you."
But I caught her hand and kissed her on the cheek. "Thank you for trusting me, even now."
Then, I let her go as she smiled and shook her head. "Akira, I know you better than you know yourself. I'm your mother."
I went in a cab to my apartment and as I sat there, my thoughts were still with Hikaru.
How are you feeling at this moment? Where could you possibly be?
But his voice kept on repeating in my head, "I'm sorry, Aki…"
You don't need to apologize, Hikaru.
And don't hide from me. Just come back to me…
When I got to the elevator of my apartment, I couldn't believe that just a few hours ago, I was at a hospital. I was waiting for Hikaru and I knew he was so guilty that he wouldn't show up there. I knew that, but I still hoped he could see past all that.
"I love you that much, you idiot," I said as I got off the elevator.
But I stopped walking as I saw Hikaru sitting on the floor next to my door with his head down. "Hikaru…"
He didn't hear me at all.
As I walked over and knelt in front of him, I touched his bangs gently.
"Huh?" Hikaru lifted up his head to reveal a tear-strained face.
"You could have gone in, you know…" I tried to joke.
I wasn't going to pry anymore if it brought this much pain to both of us…
I didn't want those eyes of his crying…
"But-" he tried to say, but I interrupted him. I leaned forward and kissed him on the lips in the middle of that hall. "Just shut up and come inside."
I opened the door and he hesitantly came in. I practically needed to pull him with my hand over his.
Still holding onto his hand, I put down the bag I had with me, closed the door, and pulled him to come to the bedroom.
I sat on my bed and sighed as he stood in front of me. I looked up to him with both of my hands holding onto both of his.
The only thing I could say was, "I waited for you to come back."
"I couldn't." He looked away from me. "You had an awful dream again, didn't you? I just knew after that that you probably didn't want to see me anymore. You were holding my hand, but I didn't know what it meant."
"Why do you always look away whenever it's something important, Hikaru?" I became annoyed and tears ran down my face before I could stop them. "Please look at me!"
He slowly turned his head to me.
"Then, if you thought that, why did you end up here?"
"Because I didn't know where else to go to." He shook his head as he knelt in front of me. Then, he hugged me around the shoulders. "I didn't mean to not tell you anything. I was going to tell you eventually but I wasn't ready yet. And then you asked about Sai and I didn't know what to say."
Why…
Why do you always disappear when it comes to Sai, Hikaru?
I couldn't breathe from the impact of it all, but I was trying my hardest. I lifted up my arms to hug him as I quietly said, "It's all right, Hikaru. You don't have to tell me anymore. I won't ask anymore."
But at that moment, I gulped and let go of him. I stood up and went to my closet to start changing.
I felt as if I had signed something away when I told him that. There would be a part that I would never know because he was too scared to tell me. But I couldn't understand what he was so scared about.
I took off my shirt and put a pajama top on.
What was it, Hikaru? This is killing me more than you know.
"I'll tell you everything someday," you told me with a soft smile on your face.
At that moment, did he understand what I meant after all the hints I told him? It had been two years and four months: Forever.
Would someone be able to share something with me without holding back? And that I would feel comfortable sharing also?
I took off my pants and just threw them into the hamper at the side. I didn't even bother to put the bottoms on as I turned around to find Hikaru standing in back of me.
"What do you mean, 'I won't ask anymore'?" he asked me as he looked at me with confused eyes.
I clearly looked at him even though I felt a knife thrust into me. "It doesn't matter anymore, Hikaru."
I put my hand on his cheek and looked at him. Then, I pulled his shoulder with my other hand. I whispered into his ear, "I don't know who you really are."
I took his shirt and began to take off the buttons. "I don't know the old Shindou, but I know only of the one who is standing in front of me."
Pushing him onto the bed, he looked at me with this hurt look as I leaned down to kiss him on the lips. "If Sai is the cause of our problems, then I'll never talk about him again."
Hikaru didn't say a word as he looked up at me.
I stared into those eyes that reflected back at me.
"No, you shouldn't forget, Sai. He wouldn't have liked that…
"But, do you hate me for this, Aki?" he finally asked me as his glassy eyes watched me so carefully.
Those unsure eyes…
The old Shindou…
"I could never hate you, Hikaru." I blinked and looked down at him with a concerned face.
I felt my heart cringe all over again.
I brushed his bangs away and kissed his forehead. "You don't have to say sorry, Hikaru. Nothing at all. I just have to accept this…"
Tears fell on his face again. I couldn't hold them back. "…this part of you I'll never know."
"Aki…" He kissed my tears as they came down. Then, he kissed me on the mouth.
"Don't look at me like that," I told him as tried my best to smile. I looked at him so deeply that I almost felt like I was dreaming.
"The only important thing is the person in front of me," I told him.
Yes, that was all that mattered…
I just had to accept that I would probably never know, but that was okay.
I just had to persist even more, right?
"Let's go out," I told him as he opened his eyes a bit wide while protesting by saying, "But you just came from the hospital."
I got off the bed and winked at him. "Well, that just means you'll have to carry me back to my apartment, doesn't it?"
"Aki…" His serious face began to break as a smile formed on his face. "You're really awful."
Then, I leaned forward as I pounced on him like a tiger. Just to spite him, I teased, "If you only knew what I imagined about you _before_ we got together."
I laughed as I got up and he grabbed my hand with a worried face. "You're not serious, are you? Even then?"
"You're slow, Shindou," I purred as I went in front of my closet to get a pair of pants.
"Who's slow?" he asked me with a pout as he sat on my bed.
"Try to say that a little bit faster while I'm changing in front of you," I teased even more.
It doesn't matter…
As long as you're with me, Hikaru…
I'll just have to make my own definitions if you won't tell me them directly because you mean that much to me…
At that moment, he grabbed my waistband and zipped up the zipper while poking my belly button. "If that's the case, then I'll just help you with changing."
His smile became a wide grin.
With a deadpan look, I said, "Pervert."
"No, it's called possessive." His grin became even wider.
Then, we went out to walk around the town.
It was a great plan until we found ourselves in front of the subway station and I said, "Where do we go?"
Hikaru slapped his hand on his forehead. "You act like you've never gone around Tokyo."
I blinked at him and gave him a slightly guilty face.
"Gah. You really are just into Go, aren't you?" His boyfriend was a sad, sad individual and the shock on his face expressed it all for me.
"Well, besides you," I honestly said with a sheepish smile, "Then yes, that's correct."
"Aki." He held my shoulders while sighing. "I think you're really smart, but sometimes you just amaze me."
"So, I'm boring." I closed my eyes and pouted while turning around with my arms folded. "Is that what you're trying to say?"
"Why do you always misinterpret what I'm trying to tell you?"
"Well, what WERE you trying to say?" I asked with a slightly higher voice.
"That I'll just pick where we're going since it's obvious that you don't know where to go!"
That comment made me twitch. "So now I've become useless! Hmph!"
"Aki!"
"Shindou!"
He sighed as I firmly kept my arms folded in front of me. I was not going to budge.
I glanced at him for a moment as he shook his head. Then, he pulled my chin so that I would look directly at him. With a power and charisma I couldn't resist, his eyes looked at me with so much intensity. Then, he calmly said, "Would you please go wherever I take you? Is that all right with you, Aki?"
"Okay…"
You caught me off guard again with those wonderful eyes of yours…
I slowly nodded my head as he sighed in relief while holding his chest a bit. Then, he pulled on my sleeve since we never held hands in public. We were still too shy to do that.
And so, he took me to all these places that he went to when he was little. From ice cream shops to the park, he tried to tell me everything he could about himself. I laughed and smiled at his stories as he tried his best to answer the questions that he felt he should answer for me.
I just listened and wondered what I would share with him next time we went out.
As we sat in the subway, while going home, I looked at Hikaru and leaned my head on his shoulder because I was exhausted. He turned red, but didn't say anything. In fact, he put his arm around me.
"I'll never understand you, Aki."
"I should be the one talking," I laughed as I closed my eyes. "Thank you for showing me around."
When we got back to my apartment, I kissed him as soon as I closed the door. Then, we went straight to bed.
I looked at the window, but Hikaru put his arm over my waist while whispering, "Aki, I promise to tell you when I'm ready. About everything. Thank you for being patient with a dope like me."
I pulled his arm and kissed it. I closed my eyes as I answered, "Didn't I tell you how you played was what you were? And that was enough for me?"
What's in front of me is all that matters…
You are everything to me.
That's why I'll wait. That's why I can painfully take anything.
"Yes, but you collapsed because-"
"Because I thought you wouldn't let me have everything," I interrupted.
He kissed the back of my neck. "I never said that. And I will never say that, Aki."
Hikaru held me tighter as he said through the darkness around us, "That's why I struggled so hard to get here. I _want_ you to have everything."
I asked him, "But what is in our way then if we both feel this way?"
With a voice as if he was about to cry, he whispered quietly, "Sai."
Why?
I turned around and hugged him as tightly as I could.
What was this pain you couldn't tell me about? Why does it always make you freeze and grow numb?
But this is a start. You've told me a little about why we are a little distant from one another…
I kissed his forehead.
"Hikaru, stay with me…in mind and body…
That is all that matters to me.
You and I always try so hard for one another.
And so, this is enough for now."
I believe in us.
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: Oh, I love how they fight! I think that's one of their best moments because you see them reverse rolls. Plus you see the dichotomy of their personalities as well as their relationship. The serious Aki is now a childish teen while Hikaru seems to be more experienced in the ways of the world while he's the one who usually acts like a kid.