This is a shorter chapter than usual, and it doesn't flow as nicely as I would have liked it to, sorry! I hope you enjoy it nonetheless, please leave a review and let me know what you think x
Knowing she was in an important meeting, Zoe pushed a note under the door to Connie's office, ignoring the security box because she knew Connie wouldn't check it straight away. At the end of the shift she returned, and was pleased to see Connie sitting behind her desk, looking like she was waiting for something. Zoe was holding two cups, a latte for Connie and a hot chocolate for herself. She set down Connie's cup on the desk, ensured the door was closed, and sat down, taking a long drink of her hot chocolate and steeling herself for this conversation.
"I think we need to talk about Dylan," Zoe said, almost but not quite nervous.
"Again?"
"Again, because last time you pretty much told me to stop interfering and leave him to it." Zoe tried but failed to hide the irritation in her voice.
"My opinion still stands," Connie replied firmly. "As his colleague you should be letting him sort out his own problems."
"But that's where you're wrong," Zoe said. "I haven't come to you as his interfering colleague, I'm here as his best friend and something has got to give." She wanted Connie to understand, to see how much of mess Dylan was in. But most of all she wanted her to offer him some support instead of pushing her away as an overly-concerned colleague.
"I'm listening," Connie said, leaning forwards and taking a drink of her coffee. "What's happening, I'd be a liar if I said I though he was on top form at the moment."
"You don't know how glad I am to hear you say that."
"He's in bits, Connie, and I don't know why or what to do about it. I wouldn't have come to you if it wasn't serious," she said, somewhere between exasperated and upset.
"I know you wouldn't Zoe," Connie said, ever the voice of calm and reason in the department.
"I don't know what's wrong with him, he hasn't said anything more since he told me he was too stressed to function, but that was ages ago and there's got to be more to it than that. I've never seen him have problems at work before. He fell apart in resus after that RTC, he went home early rather than speak to her parents. I know for a fact that he's had Lily take over from him on several occasions now, and it's not like him at all. Connie, he's missed vital information in patient notes. If I hadn't been there, picking up the pieces..." she tailed off, running a hand through her hair. Zoe poured out her worries while Connie sat, deep in thought. The Clinical Lead twisted a strand of her dark brown hair between her fingers.
"Does Lily know anything then? You said he;s handed over to her a lot, do you think he would have explained himself to her at all?"
Zoe looked up from her hot chocolate, a slight line of cream on her top lip, which she wiped with the back of her hand self-consciously.
"Hmm?"
"Is there any possibility that Lily knows what's going on?"
"Connie, I've known Dylan for years, he trusts me and I trust him." It was true, the relationship they shared was special – no-one, not even Max, knew about her infertility. Except Dylan. Granted, he had teased it out of her over about four hours, when she'd been torturing herself over whether it was right to get back together with Max. But she knew him so well, and he'd never used it to his advantage, knowing her closest guarded secret.
"I hardly think he'd go to one of our F2's, lovely as Lily is, instead of coming to me!" Zoe said, although even now a memory was surfacing that contradicted what she'd just said.
"I think you're doing Lily a great disservice, Zoe. If we're taking this as an issue of his mental health -" Connie began calmly, interrupted by a gasp of shock from Zoe. The consultant rubbed her eyes furiously.
"Sorry, go on, I'm okay. It's just... I knew all along that's where this was going, but he's my friend. It's still a shock to have it laid out in front of me," Zoe said.
"It's okay, Zoe," Connie said gently, getting up from the desk to sit on the sofa with Zoe. She extended a hand to her, which Zoe took, surprised that Connie was being so unusually kind. "If this is to do with his mental health, then it's highly likely that Lily does know something. Yes, she's been working closely with him, so would see any changes in him professionally, but there's probably more to it. If he's confided in her, even once, he's most likely gone back to her, because he wouldn't have to explain the back-story to her. Does that make sense?" Zoe nodded, knowing it wouldn't help anyone to feel hurt by Dylan's choice. She pushed the thoughts form her mind.
That memory was still badgering her. It made sense now she'd had a little time to turn it over in her mind.
"Wait, I think Lily might know. I don't know how much, potentially all of it if we take into account what you just said." She could remember it clearly now, and described it in detail to Connie.
It was the day Charlotte Cross' parents had come in to speak to Dylan. Zoe had spoken to him that morning – he'd looked terrible but said he'd had to rush some bloods upstairs and there hadn't been any porters to do it. This had made no sense to her, she'd spoken to Max about a minute before seeing Dylan. She had reminded him about the meeting, but he'd set off in a rush, in the opposite direction to reception.
"He had some papers with him, I didn't have a clue what they were for."
"Charlotte Cross' post-mortem," Connie explained. "It was his statement, he's promised it to me by eleven o'clock that morning. I'm certain I left the office just after eleven, and I hadn't seen him. They were there when I returned at quarter to twelve."
"That would make sense," Zoe said, her thoughts all clicking into place. "I saw Lily at half past eleven. She told me Dylan had gone home, and I'd have to conduct the meeting with the Crosses."
"Gone home? And no-one thought to tell me?" Connie said, projecting frustration to mask her disappointment in herself. How had she not noticed they were missing a consultant for over half a shift?
"I never thought to sorry. But I knew Lily wouldn't, because she refused to tell me what was wrong with Dylan. She said he wouldn't have wanted her to spread it around." Zoe still couldn't believe that she had given up after five rejected calls.
"How exactly does this link to Dylan's paperwork?" Connie asked.
"She was holding it. There's no mistaking his handwriting. She must have taken it to your office on his behalf." The clues were slotting together like a jigsaw puzzle, and looked increasingly likely that Lily held the missing pieces.
"We need to get Lily in here, first thing tomorrow," Connie said, draining her coffee cup. "But I think, whatever our solution, we're going to come up against some serious resistance from Dylan."
"He won't like it, but we have to draw the line somewhere." Zoe thought for a moment, then told Connie that Dylan knew she was speaking the her tonight.
"Well that something, I suppose."
"What worries me is that he didn't put up a fight."
Dylan wasn't in the state of mind to 'put up a fight' as Zoe had put it. He felt like it was game over. He'd spent so long hiding it all, keeping his secrets concealed with people he could trust. Lily had done so well too, she hadn't breathed a word to anyone. Zoe meant well but the second she went to Connie he would be defeated. The final grains of sand, which had somehow managed to keep suspended in his hourglass for so long, had lost grip and were hurtling towards the bottom.
Everything was wrong, nothing would be the same now Connie knew.
He made dinner but barely touched it. He picked up Dervla's lead and they walked miles across Holby, the spring air crisp and cold, slipping its icy fingers between the gaps in his coat. He'd forgotten to wear his scarf. It started to rain, and he pulled his coat closer to him. His phone began to vibrate in an inner pocket of his coat, but he ignored it, not wanting to speak to Zoe now.
He hadn't expected her to be sitting on the doorstep of the boat in the pouring rain, her mascara smudged onto her cheeks. She stood up as soon as she saw him, almost slipping on the wet deck of the boat in her heels. He put his hands under her elbows to hold her steady.
"I suppose this means you've been to speak to Connie then," he said.
"Yes, and I wanted to tell you not to worry," Zoe said. "She's not going to sign you off sick, just like that!"
"Good." They stood awkwardly in the driving rain, Zoe shuffling from foot to foot and Dylan standing as if nothing was wrong.
"Well, thank you," Dylan said gruffly.
"You're welcome, I'll see you tomorrow."
When Dylan got himself ready for bed that night, he noticed he'd been pulling his belt in one hole further than usual. The boat was very quiet, normally this was the thing her loved the boat about it. The silence was intrusive tonight, ringing in his ears. Dervla hadn't slept on the bottom of his bed since she was a puppy, but he was glad that when he invited her in, she curled up at the foot of the bed like she'd done it every night of her life.