DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto.

CONTENT ADVISORY: Contains 'bad words' and descriptions depicting and/or advocating suicide, violence, sadomasochism, sexual activity in a violent context, murder, morbid violence, use of alcohol, homosexuality, more violence, voyeurism, revenge, maiming, gouging, skewering, the undermining of authority figures, lawlessness and human rights violations and/or atrocities…

EXPOSURE WARNING: Exposure to content for extended periods of time and/or during formative years in children (i.e. individuals under the age of 18) may cause delusions, hallucinations, decreases in cognitive and objective reasoning, and—in extreme cases—pathological disorders, hatred, violence, bigotry and (surprise, surprise) more violence again.

You have been warned!

Enjoy.

PART I
CHAPTER NINE
Forgettable Faces And Evil

"Alright brats, let's get going already!" Naruto futilely insisted for what felt like the millionth time today. Literally.

He was already standing several feet away from them having tried to leave (repeatedly) only to get caught up in some stilted conversation and then yet another mushy round of bye-bye's and I'll miss you's (repeatedly) much to his seemingly eternal annoyance. Why couldn't they say their farewells, once mind you, and get on with the actual leaving part already? Next thing he knew he'd have to suffer through some sort of formal goodbye party and corresponding dinner reception—and knowing the nature of his luck, that was a very real possibility. Because for Jashin's fucking sake the last thing Naruto wanted to do was spend any more time in the bloody dry as fuck desert!

"Goodbye, I'll miss you all." Sashimi called from beside her newly purchased set of bodyguard ninja (Ebi-something) as they all stood beneath the carved gates of Sunagakure together. The blond woman smiled beatifically, all teary eyed and snotty as she repeated the same line she'd sobbed out (eight times prior to this already) just one more time. "And I'll never forget what you've done for me. Thank you!"

"Don't mention it Sashimi! Bu-bye!" Yukio exclaimed happily while waving his arms back and forth like a strange human windmill hybrid. The wide grin plastered all over his round dimpled face left Naruto with the almost (we're stressing the word 'almost' to its literal breaking point here) irresistible urge to drown his pupil in a pool of his own blood.

"Goodbye Miss Sashimi and good luck!" Emi cried back, her own snot and tears running down her face unattractively as she too waved her goodbye as though she were trying to fling her own arms off of her body by force alone. Again, Naruto's first instinct was to help her speed the process along by just tearing the offending appendages off himself.

"Hn."

At least Nanashi had the sense (read: survival instincts) to keep it sweet, short and simple Naruto thought. Then again, the redhead was pretty emo and a 'prodigy' to boot so it was probably just the default setting doing its job. Either way, it meant Naruto only had to physically pry two of his students away from their former client so they could get on with it all and go the hell home.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, we'll miss you so much, lots of hugs and kisses and—LET'S GO ALREADY!" Naruto bellowed having lost what little bit of patience he'd initially possessed a long time ago. "You've been saying goodbye for twenty freaking minutes now!" He exclaimed, exasperated.

"Alright, sorry sensei." Emi said having wiped her marred face, now looking sheepish having finally realised that they'd long since left the 'teary-goodbye' zone and descended into 'this-is-fucking-ridiculous' land.

"Hn."

"Alright, let's move." Naruto said, practically dragging Yukio and Emi through the sand as he tore off in the general direction of Yugakure, all the while ignoring the tentative looks he was receiving from all three of his students when they thought he wasn't looking.

Since the death of the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch and the subsequent revelation of his inability to die like a normal human being, Naruto had noticed his genin walking on egg shells around him (well, more than usual anyway). He could practically see the questions and insecurities swirling about their pretty little heads. Not even ten minutes into the journey back to the Land of Hot Water, Naruto decided that he could not take another day or so of this before they got to Yugakure or, Sage forbid, if they actually kept up the mouse act even after they got home!

So Naruto stopped running over the sand and did what he always did: he didn't bother tiptoeing around the subject and instead spat out exactly what he needed to say and the twelve-year-olds needed to hear.

"Just ask already, for fuck's sake. Your curiosity is driving me crazy!" He groused, making all three of his students, who'd each been running in front of him, jump at the suddenness of the remark—or so he told himself.

"How?" Yukio hesitantly asked.

"Listen kid, even I don't know how. Next question."

And it was true. How Hidan had originally gained his immortality was just one of the many, many, many, many, many memories Naruto had not inherited from the original Jashin worshipping nut just quite yet. Sure, over the last few years he'd gained some serious insight—a fair bit he didn't want any part of, mind you—into the history and thought processes of Hidan but even Kurama was still stumped about how his immortality had come about. Eventually, after debating for hours without coming up with anything plausible (that didn't involve leprechauns) the two had just decided to leave it as it was. In any case, it's not like they could do anything practical about it right now…

"What would you call it? Is it a healing factor, a Kekkei Genkai?" Nanashi asked seeming intrigued though Naruto hoped it wasn't for the wrong reasons like a few probably-gay-Paedophile-snake-bastards Naruto could name.

"No Bloodline Limit, it's just me." Naruto replied, "And I just call it immortality."

"Do you know how to die?" Yukio asked.

"Nope though I think starving might do the trick." Naruto said before thinking about some of the more creative ways Hidan had carked it in the past (that he could remember at least) and concluding that- "…Maybe. I don't know; nothing else has worked." He finally shrugged.

"Okay, what about age? Do you age?" Emi enquired.

"No."

"How old are you then?"

"No clue." Naruto shrugged, "My memories get more fucked up the further back I go though I can confidently say I've been around for at least the last two hundred years… maybe. The furthest back I've been able to accurately date was that one time I got really drunk and attacked a Bon festival with a Chihuahua and a candleholder." He shrugged. It was tricky trying to be as truthful as possible while answering such delicate questions, especially with only a few partial memories to go by.

"Two hundred?! COOL! My Sensei is invincible and as old a dirt!" Yukio cheered, jumping up and down in his excitement and while Naruto thought that it was cool that he'd just become Yukio's idol and all, he knew he had to disillusion the kid or run into trouble later.

"What the hell are you on and where can I get some?" Naruto snorted, "I'm not invincible. I can still be trapped and incapacitated. Once I lose my head I'm practically useless until it comes back into contact with my body to heal."

Yukio seemed to visibly deflate at this however Nanashi and Emi both only looked thoughtful at this information.

"You did say that if you'd been decapitated it would have been worse." Nanashi muttered.

"Wait!" Emi cried, looking scandalised as she spoke, "You call Yukage-sama an old man all of the time! And it isn't even accurate!"

"Course I do." Naruto shrugged as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Unlike me, he looks and acts old so he is old. Me on the other hand, I'm ageless. Besides, once I act even a little mature everyone expects me to always be mature and there is no way in hell I'm turning into an emo with a stick up my ass or a senile scatterbrain—no offence Red, Bandana Boy." Hidan added.

"What do you mean, 'no offence'?" Yukio exclaimed, "Are you implying that I'm a-"

"Grrr and speaking of whiny little shits… I still can't believe that whinge-y little bastard ran away on me!" Naruto moaned, thus interrupting Yukio's indignant response as he once again started moving (though at a slower pace than before) through the desert having finally left all of that figuratively dangerous conversational territory behind them. The look on Nanashi and Yukio's faces when they finally interpreted the second veiled insult was just an added bonus.

"I can." Emi muttered, glancing up at Naruto for a moment before, just as quickly, looking back down at the endless sand they were traversing over. Naruto managed to shoot the girl one final glance before Yukio opened his big mouth again and the fireworks began.

"He took those wicked swords too." Yukio whined miserably (read: pathetically), "I wish I could have kept them, they were awesome!"

"Hn."

Yes, everything was going to be just fine. Just fine…

LINEBREAK

They'd finally left the desert behind them some time ago and Yukio was sure he'd never been so happy to see trees. Jumping from branch to branch, Yukio let his mind wander for once.

"Hey, do you think we'll ever see her again?" Yukio asked, trying to think of a plausible situation in which meeting the pretty heiress could one day arise.

"Who?" Hidan asked, looking genuinely confused which kind of worried Yukio a bit.

"Sashimi."

"Yeah… you're not making any sense kid." Hidan deadpanned making Yukio very worried.

"Sashimi Shirono, the woman we just spent several days travelling with. We all nearly died to save her life. If you weren't… whatever you are, you would have died for her! We saw her only, like, a day ago!" Emi exclaimed.

"Oh, her!" Hidan smiled as though he'd suddenly had some great revelation. "Sorry, she was pretty forgettable." He shrugged making Yukio think that maybe his sensei was senile after all, regardless of how very young he looked.

"Forgettable?" Nanashi queried.

"Yeah, it happens a lot. You meet someone, have a real heart to heart and live through some horrible experience with them and then BAM; as soon as they're out of your direct line of sight you never mention them again." Hidan explained while scratching the back of his head thoughtfully.

"Why?" Yukio asked, genuinely confused by his sensei's logic.

"Unknown. Just another one of those great mysteries of life I guess."

LINEBREAK

Finally, after days of travelling and listening to Hidan either bitch about the hidden mist jutsu or mutter under his breath about something called a Saringen or something, Team Kickass (as Hidan had officially dubbed them upon completing their first 'real' mission) had finally made it back home to Yugakure. Emi was sure the large torii gates had never seemed so inviting, especially after so long without a decent shower or a good night's sleep in the proper bed she knew awaited her at home.

"Hey guys, before we go in, can I ask something of you?" Hidan asked them quietly, breaking Emi from her thoughts just as effectively as if he'd yelled since Hidan's tone suddenly seemed to be so… hesitant… which rang strange and just wrong on a lot of levels to Emi.

"Um, s-sure sensei," the twelve-year-old replied in a stutter, unsure of how to deal with the situation she found herself in.

Ever since witnessing the ending scene of Enichi Zaraki's final struggle against her sensei—her immortal sensei—Emi had felt uneasy in his presence. Knowing her sensei wasn't quite right in the head was one thing after all but seeing it… well let's just say it was a real eye opening experience. Because no matter how 'nice' he tried to appear on the surface, Emi knew that Hidan was anything but. Sure, Emi realised there had to be something deep down in Hidan that wasn't tainted by his two hundred or more years of endless life (there was no telling what he'd seen and done; for good, bad or far worse) but until she saw, really saw it, the twelve-year-old was resolved to be cautious.

That is, she was until she noticed Hidan standing in between them and Yugakure looking like he was having an internal battle of sorts. His silver brow was furrowed and his arms were crossed over his well-formed chest, his shoulders tense as he took a deep breath in and let it out again in a heavy sigh.

"Listen guys, I need you to keep quiet about the whole 'immortality' thing." Hidan said after a moment of deep deliberation it seemed to Emi though his tone had yet to change from that tentative quiet back to his normal cheery demeanour or even his more insane persona. At this point, Emi wasn't sure if she didn't miss her sensei's more unstable tendencies, if only because they were more familiar and not… like this. "Can you do that?" He asked quietly.

"Of course, Hidan-sensei!" Emi cheered, trying to bring Hidan's mood up and back to normal if only so he wouldn't be so nervous anymore. Within the confines of her mind, Emi confessed to herself that this hesitant, unsure Hidan was indeed a part of that more vulnerable side she'd been wanting to see in him for the last few days, if only for her own reassurance. However, Emi didn't count on finding this 'soft side' scarier than the one covered in blood and grinning like a loon. Nervous did not suit him, she decided then and there, not one bit.

"Sure thing," Yukio agreed with her, his expression just as forcibly cheerful which probably meant he agreed.

"Yes." Nanashi said, shuffling his feet as he spoke. The fact that he bothered to articulate was on its own a testament to the redhead's discomfort Emi knew.

"Good," Hidan said, his posture visibly relaxing before that familiar closed-eyed goofy grin broke out across his (literally) youthful face. "Otherwise I'd have to skin you all alive with a rusty kunai and leave you tied to an ant hill… made of lava… while you're on fire…" Hidan told them all a little too cheerily.

"O-oh, okay then…" Emi stuttered, wondering whether he was serious or not. She liked to think he wasn't but with Hidan… well, you just never knew.

"Come on, let's go. We need to report to Old Man Kamizuki soon." Hidan smiled before turning on his heal and striding across the space remaining between him and the front gates as if nothing had ever happened. For a moment, Emi envied his ability to ignore anything and everything if he so chose—if she could, the young genin knew she'd erase more than the last few minutes from her recollections.

"Hey guys, welcome back from your first C-Rank!" One of the chunin guarding the gates called out to them with a wide grin on his freckled face once Emi and the others had managed to catch up to their sensei and begin approaching Yugakure again.

"Actually it was an A-Rank." Yukio spoke up, correcting the chunin with an uncharacteristically serious expression on his usually carefree face. Emi found herself nodding sombrely in agreement; she wished it had only been a C-Rank. She really did.

"Ha-ha! Yeah, whatever kid." The second chunin laughed.

"Actually, it was." Nanashi broke in, "We ran into Enichi Zaraki and her apprentice. They were hired by an enemy faction to kill our client."

"Y-you're serious!" The first chunin exclaimed. "Shit!"

"How are you alive?!" The second asked, posing the question to Hidan this time instead of Emi or the others.

"Please, she was annoying but she wasn't that bad." Emi's sensei shrugged in true Hidan fashion. "The Shinobi Swordsman are all the fucking same though, I swear. It's 'Mist jutsu' this and 'Water jutsu' that! Even their rants are the same." The jonin complained almost childishly.

"O-okay sensei, we get it." Emi interrupted him in hopes of staving off another one of Hidan's rants. Once he got going, he was usually very passionate about his dislikes, the Seven Shinobi Swordsman apparently being chief among them. "It's over and done with and who knows, maybe you won't have to deal with another Swordsman again. What are the odds if you've already met so many of them before?" Emi asked.

"Emi's right though I think you made that Maou guy piss himself when you started listing why you hated them all. He's probably scarred for life." Yukio laughed yet again though Emi silently agreed. Hidan had been rather brutal when he took his irritation at being stabbed so much out on the poor shinobi. And yes, after seeing her sensei literally toss the man about like a rag doll, Emi felt no discomfort or guilt for sympathising with her enemy.

"Pfft, you guys are overreacting. I'm not that bad." Hidan smiled however, that smile slowly waned when his eyes set on something in the distance, thus forcing Emi and her team to turn around and finally notice a man approaching them.

The man had ash white hair and dark green eyes that seemed to stand out even more against his paler skin. He was in his late forties and wore elegant silver and blue robes with a light grey haori over the top. His expression was grim and his eyes were emotionless, dead. All in all, his whole being from his stiff posture to his icy demeanour and his expensive clothes just screamed 'Noble' (with capitals and everything!).

"Nanashi." The man addressed the redheaded boy standing a little in front of Emi neutrally, not even bothering to nod his head or wave in greeting.

"Father." Nanashi intoned in a similar fashion though the fact that the man was Nanashi's father was a shock. Between the two, the only resemblance Emi could physically see between them was Nanashi's green eyes and the shape of his nose. Everything else from his rounder face to his bright red hair was foreign when compared to the man's—Nanashi's father's—albino hair and his more angular aristocratic features.

"I trust you have returned from your mission with success." Nanashi's father said; his voice even and dispassionate which alarmed Emi. Was Nanashi's dad really this cold or was it a front?

"Yes Father."

"Anything less would be unacceptable for a shinobi of the Shiro line." Nanashi's father intoned with a slight nod of his head which let Emi to believe that yes, Nanashi's dad was in fact this cold—like an icy blizzard actually.

"Yes Father." Nanashi replied evenly, never once making eye contact or moving a muscle as he spoke.

"Right, can I cut in here?" Hidan asked which kind of pulled Emi back to planet earth given how suddenly he'd spoken up. Emi herself wasn't game enough to speak up given the icy looks she and Yukio periodically received from Nanashi's father. However, those chilling glances were nothing compared to the frozen glares of death Hidan was given. "I'm guessing you're Red's dad and all but I thought you'd be a little more concerned given our mission got bumped up to A-Rank, unless you weren't just eavesdropping on us talking to these fine chunins here like I thought you were." Hidan added sarcastically.

However, Nanashi's dad didn't move a muscle at the jab. He merely glared at Hidan a moment longer before turning his attention back to Nanashi who had still yet to raise his gaze from that random object he currently had his eyes locked on, i.e. the ground.

Even the chunin guards looked highly uncomfortable as Nanashi's father began to speak in that same toneless drawl.

"…You will continue to accomplish your missions at a satisfactory level. You will need to be exemplary to complete the task the elders have given you. Anything less would be unacceptable for a shinobi of the Shiro line." The man lectured his son.

"Yes Father."

"Do not let this commoner hold you back." Nanashi's father sneered while gesturing to Hidan, not even bothering to look at him this time. Emi simply stared at the man, flabbergasted as he continued to speak. "I am already in negotiations with the council and the Yukage to have you trained under a proper sensei of respectable birth unlike this outsider. Once the Yukage agrees you shall be given a proper tutor. Anything less would be unacceptable for a shinobi of the Shiro line."

"Yes Father."

The Shiro Clan heir didn't even bother saying goodbye to his son or any such thing, the man simply turned on his heal and strode away without a glance backwards, his long bone white hair swaying behind him as he walked.

"Red," Hidan spoke up, his eyes locked on Nanashi's father's retreating back. Emi herself was still staring at Nanashi who had yet to look up. Not even Yukio was ignorant or dumb enough to comment at this point though it appeared Hidan was. "I don't know if you've realised this yet but your dad is a prick." Hidan told him.

"I know." Nanashi replied.

"Like an even bigger prick than me and I pride myself on being the biggest prick to others that I can be." Hidan said, making Nanashi's lips twitch slightly at the comment Emi saw. "It's actually a pretty hefty accomplishment and I'm torn on whether to loathe or admire him for it." Hidan finished, looking almost thoughtful as he spoke earning a full blown laugh from Yukio and a tiny tentative smile from Nanashi who only just now raised his head to look up at their sensei.

"I know." He smiled slightly.

"Is he really going to make you change teams?" Emi asked Nanashi, catching his attention and instantly wiping any trace of that smile off of his face again much to Emi's silent disappointment.

"No, he can't." Hidan answered confidently for Nanashi. "The council can't do it without Old Man Kamizuki's approval and he won't approve. You're good on that front Red."

"How do you know Yukage-sama won't agree?" Nanashi asked.

"He likes me."

"You're lying again! The Yukage hates you Hidan-sensei." Yukio exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger up at the silver haired man much to the amusement of the snickering chunin guards Emi noted.

"Yeah, he always ends up yelling at you and throwing us out of his office. Sometimes he hurls projectiles at your head and your man parts." Emi pointed out, deciding to put her own two cents into the conversation.

"He has threatened to murder you in cold blood while you sleep seven hundred and sixty-two times in the last three weeks alone." Nanashi nodded in agreement with Emi and Yukio before adding, "And that doesn't include the castration threats if you ever reproduce."

"Wait, you counted?" Yukio asked, blinking owlishly at the redhead in confusion.

"Hn." Was Nanashi's only reply having returned back to his default responses, i.e. grunting.

"Listen, I don't know what you're all making such a big deal about but I'm pretty sure Old Man Kamizuki likes me so he won't change the teams." Hidan said, looking relaxed and carefree as he began to walk through the gates towards the administration building in the centre of Yugakure. Emi noticed that like her, neither Yukio nor Nanashi made a move to follow him, instead gazing at the man's retreating back in deep thought.

"Looks like you'll have a new sensei by the end of the week Bastard." Yukio remarked brightly before finally making a move to follow their sensei at his own pace.

Emi herself had to come to a similar conclusion and placed a gentle, comforting hand on Nanashi's shoulder, smiling sadly as she said a quiet, "I'll miss you Nanashi." With that said, the two trailed on after their other teammate and their wayward sensei, Nanashi letting out a tired sigh and a quiet "Hn" in response.

LINEBREAK

Dashing through the streets of Yugakure at top speed, Naruto made it to the main administration building in but a few minutes and decided to wait for his students. However, they seemed to like taking their sweet time in getting there leaving Naruto alone with nothing to do while he waited. Shrugging, Naruto channelled chakra to his feet and started to walk up the side of the multiple story structure towards the Yukage's office at a leisurely pace. By the time Hidan had located the window he wanted and noticed it was open, Naruto could hear his students panting and gasping for air from inside probably having started to rush once they hadn't seen Naruto waiting for them outside the admin building.

Grinning at how things had turned out, Naruto gripped the edge of the window sill and easily manoeuvred his lanky body up until he was seated comfortably on the windowsill with his legs propped up and his arms crossed over his chest – he made sure to shift any and all remaining sand on his person onto Kamizuki's floor with a small burst of wind chakra while he was there (sadly, he'd already come to the definitive conclusion on his way back from Suna that his Magnet Release affinity did not under any circumstances extend to the manipulation of sand – which sucked balls because Gaara was just plain epic with it).

"What's wrong Hidan?" Old Man Kamizuki's voice echoed sarcastically around the room having no doubt noticed Naruto long before he entered through the window. Then again, Naruto hadn't been trying to hide his presence and the man was a Kage. "Too good to slam my doors obnoxiously anymore?" The Yukage asked from his usual position sitting at his desk.

In front of the Old Man were Emi, Yukio and Nanashi all having finally managed to calm their breathing as the Yukage spoke. Grinning at them with a wink, Naruto casually rose from his perch on the window sill and walked around the Yukage's desk, sitting on the edge of the wooden table with his arms still folded over his chest. However, to sit Naruto had had to shuffle one of the many stacks of paperwork littering the man's desk a little to the left earning him a glare that no doubt was meant to kill.

'It's amazing lasers aren't shooting from his eyeballs', Kurama remarked amusedly from within the confines of Naruto's mind.

"Nah just figured coming in through the window made for a cooler entrance. It was more convenient than the door in any case." Naruto shrugged with a grin.

"You're kidding me, right? It's a window." Kamizuki groused sourly, eyeing Naruto for a moment longer before looking down again to sign another document and sit it on one of the shorter piles in front of him.

"I could enter via the walls if you wanted. Actually, that is a way better idea. Thanks Old Man Kamizuki." Naruto smiled happily, feeling pretty good about himself when Kamizuki's head snapped up with his eyes narrowed and his glare intensified, the man radiating real honest-to-god Killing Intent in hostile little waves.

"Hidan, you touch my walls and I will break you."

"So I can still call you an old man?" Naruto asked eagerly, easily ignoring the rapidly rising Killing Intent that no doubt was near crushing to his students by this point. "Wow, thanks Old Man Kamizuki!"

"Hidan, please." Kamizuki sighed after a moment having dropped the glare and the Killing Intent for a tired expression and pleading. "If you even like me, just a little bit, please… don't call me 'Old Man Kamizuki.'"

Naruto stared at the man's weathered face, his weary eyes and the bags beneath them. The pleading tone and the desperate look on the man's expression were about all Naruto could take, even with the usually more sadistic aspects of his personality.

"Okay." He finally caved with a pout on his face.

"…"

Stoney silence met his easy acceptance of Kamizuki's request; even Naruto's students were too shell-shocked to comment.

"O-okay?" Kamizuki stuttered, sounding so unsure of how to deal with this, looking for the first time to be a little out of his depth. Secretly, Naruto thought it was pretty damn funny, as did Kurama.

"Yes, okay." Naruto nodded slowly, as though talking to a toddler, "Are you alright though? You look a little pale."

"Yes, just… just state your mission report and get out please." Kamizuki frowned, looking a good ten years older than he did only a few moments ago. Naruto could remember his own Old Man Hokage having that very same expression on his face at some point in time whenever he came into contact with a younger Naruto for more than a few minutes, especially after he'd eaten sugar… or ramen… or anything really. It was very nostalgic actually.

"If you say so." Naruto shrugged though when he simply stood there, waiting for the metaphorical damn to burst, he was not disappointed when Old Man Kamizuki finally lost any and all patience.

"Your mission, Hidan." The ageing Yukage prompted.

"Oh, right. Well, we were escorting Sesame or whatever her name was-"

"Sashimi." Kamizuki interjected with narrowed ocean blue eyes.

"-when out of nowhere some stupid Mist-Swordsman-Asshole with no sense of originality whatsoever jumped out and quite inconsiderately impaled me on a sword. I got up-"

"You got up…?" The Yukage muttered only to be ignored by Naruto who decided to just keep talking as though he hadn't said a word.

"-beat the living shit out of him and it turns out he isn't even a Mist-Swordsman-Asshole. No, he's Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole. Anyway, before I could kill him, some other Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch who was actually a Swordsman faked the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole's death and ran off with him—that part was all Girly's fault. Anyway, once the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole and the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch had pissed off, I cornered Salome and we found out that you sent us on an A-Rank mission-"

"A-Rank! Me?!" Kamizuki exclaimed, his expression now shocked and confused.

"-and being the upstanding person I am-"

"Ha, yeah right." Yukio snorted at this however Naruto just as easily ignored him too, continuing on to say, "-I agreed that we should continue on with the mission, regardless of the danger. Bandana Boy wanted to go home, his exact words being 'fuck the bitch'-"

"I'm sure…" The Yukage finally drawled.

"-but luckily he was outvoted. We carried on with our journey until we ran into the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole and the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch again in the desert. We duked it out in a battle of epic proportions during which I, once again, was forced to withstand a complete lack of originality in the form of stupid speeches, some low grade boring water jutsu that they somehow managed to pull off in the middle of the Land of Wind and that moronic fucking mist jutsu which they also tried to use while standing dead centre in the fucking desert. God I hate that thing so much-!"

"No kidding." Yukio muttered to himself in the background though Naruto still heard him perfectly and then proceeded to ignore him perfectly too.

"-Anyway, so we fought, blah, blah, blah and then the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch practically gets herself killed so the Just-A-Mist-Ninja-Asshole can ditch to who knows where to live happily ever after. So we went on our way through the hot as fuck desert and left Salami there somewhere. After that we came back here, met Red's ass-wad of a sperm-donor and I made an awesome entrance via the window only to get dissed for it. I mean, here I am trying to make your day more entertaining and all I get is bullshit. No appreciation whatsoever." Naruto grumbled petulantly, his arms cross over his chest as he pouted at the floor.

"Your mission reports are as amusing as ever Hidan." Kamizuki stated dryly after waiting a second to make sure Naruto was done, as he always did when Naruto came in to report… well, on just about anything. "However, one thing does bother me. Exactly who were your opponents? I believe you creatively nicknamed them the 'Just-A-Mist-Ninja-A**hole' and the 'Mist-Swordsman-Woman… er, B*tch?'"

"Don't know, can't remember their actual names now… They were pretty insignificant." Naruto shrugged, earning himself an exasperated sigh from the old Kage and a trio of amused glances from his genin. "Though, the Mist-Swordsman-Woman-Bitch was one of those Swordsmen of the Mist and the other guy was her apprentice."

Naruto then began pulling at the spare cloak he had on, searching for a small storage scroll about the size of his hand.

"Hm, I've got the Bitch's head in here somewhere." He muttered before chiming, "Ah, there it is!"

Naruto then made a show of presenting the little scroll to the old man though he made sure not to unseal it given the pasty looks he'd received from his students when he collected the head in the first place, let alone what Kamizuki's reaction would be should a bloody severed head appear on top of his paperwork. While on a normal day, Naruto would pay to see something like that, something (cough*Kurama*cough) told him that the ageing Kage probably wouldn't handle it too well right now.

"You ran into one of the Seven Swordsman and her apprentice on a C-Rank?" Kamizuki muttered, staring at the scroll now sitting innocently on his desk with no little apprehension, still trying in vain to process the information.

"Actually, it was more like an A-Rank. I already told you." Naruto said flippantly.

"A C-Rank escort mission. With a genin team." Kamizuki clarified, still looking very uncomfortable and not at all like he was dealing well with this newfound knowledge. Probably good Naruto didn't get the head out then…

"Yes, I just said that." Naruto nodded before adding, "And of course with my genin team: who else would I take? Certainly not Sakami or whatever her name was. She was hopeless."

"Okay. I'm just going to ignore the added comments and take a bit of time to process this. You can go now but I'll want a written report—without 'demonstrational and educational illustrations'— on my desk by tomorrow." Kamizuki said before muttering to himself, "First you actually listen to me and now this!"

At this Naruto only grinned before turning around and beginning to usher his students out the door though after glancing back at the ageing Kage, it became apparent that Kamizuki looked more than a little pale so Naruto decided that he'd forgo his usual rigorous farewell routine for the old man's sake.

However, Naruto also decided that the old man had enough colour in his skin left for one last little jab.

"Alright, see ya later Old Man Zuki!" Naruto called out as he slammed the door shut behind him, faintly hearing the snickers of several ANBU hidden around and inside the office as he did so.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The pained scream echoed throughout the building from behind the closed door and left Naruto chuckling at the Kage's misfortune… which on second thoughts probably wasn't a very good thing to do…

"Sensei," Yukio began to speak, instantly gaining Naruto's attention given the hesitant tone the preteen used. "I don't know if anyone's ever told you this but you, well, you're evil."

"What kind of evil?" Naruto asked, genuinely curious now. "The pure unadulterated kind or the kind you find on the back of cereal boxes getting his faced punched in by a guy in spandex?"

"The kind where even the most soulless, asshole-ish and monstrous of villains seem more like overgrown academy students compared to your Kage-level Evil. With a capital letter." Yukio replied.

"That's pretty evil." Emi noted.

"Hn."

"Well then yes, yes I am." Naruto grinned before adding on as an afterthought, "This brings me to my next point: training."

"Training? What does that have to do with evil?" Yukio asked though all three looked a little worried about his answer. From within Naruto's mind, he could hear Kurama cackling at what Naruto had planned for his victi- er, I mean students. Yeeesss… students…

"A lot." Naruto replied with a vicious grin stretching across his face, "And before you ask, yes, you need training because you were pitiful on that last mission. I thought that would have been obvious."

"You mean our first C-Rank, the one that got bumped up to A-Rank?" Emi queried.

"Yes." Naruto nodded. "So, to counteract how pathetic you all are, I'm going to be training you all until your limbs just about drop off. Up to this point I've been nice but now I'm going to pull all of the stops and become your worst nightmare." Naruto grinned sadistically probably appearing all the scarier and insane to his victi-students than usual… somehow. "Prepare kiddies, prepare for Hell."

LINEBREAK

Kamizuki Shigure watched as the three genin followed their sensei out of the main administration building from the large window Hidan had entered his office through only minutes before. Smiling, the greying Yukage fondly considered that amusing sight that had become so familiar to him in the last few months… even if it looked like the silver haired man was threatening those poor children with something especially gruesome if the way they all appeared to be near tears was anything to go by.

Shaking his head as young Yukio ran away from Hidan screaming his lungs out only to be followed closely by little Emi and the son of the current Shiro Clan heir, Kamizuki hoped to the gods above that everything went as he prayed it would. After all, the Chunin exams were only a few months away and from then on, the Yukage knew from his own sources around the village that life in Yugakure would be all the more unstable, especially for Hidan and those like him. The outsiders.