Chapter 10
Grace is asleep and Shawn and I are putting away the dishes. I told him I would do them once he left, but he insisted on helping me load them into the dishwasher.
"Seriously Shawn," I say, once more. "You don't have to do this."
"Seriously Jules," Shawn mimics me. "I want to."
"I'm never going to get to completely repay that debt to you, am I?" I ask, because it will be true if he keeps doing me favors.
"I don't need you to," Shawn answers. "I went out and got a pizza. It was actually remarkably easy once I figured out how to get my bike in gear."
"Shawn," I say. "That's not what I meant."
Shawn understands. He walks across the kitchen and lays a hand on my shoulder. "Jules, this is not something you have to repay," Shawn tells me.
"Yes it is," I argue. "You're doing me such a huge favor."
"These aren't favors," Shawn replies. "If I remember correctly, I'm the one who offered my services to you in the first place. What kind of person would I be if I found out about something like this and just left you alone? What kind of friend would I be?"
"I don't like being in dept," I answer, a softer.
"You're not," Shawn tells me before removing his hand and walking back to the sink. "You don't have to do everything by yourself."
We are silent for a moment, before I suddenly blurt, "My husband was in a car wreck." The words surprise even me. Shawn turns around to examine me. "A year before we moved here," I continue. "Do you want to sit back down?" It is my way of telling him that I am about to disclose something huge. Shawn follows me to the couch, the one on which we sat on the night I told him everything.
"We were in college," I begin. "At a party. I had never been to a party before. I wasn't drinking. I was completely capable of making rational decisions." This is the disclaimer I gave my parents when I told them, the disclaimer I gave the chief, the disclaimer I gave Ryan. "I was there with my roommate, but she ditched me, so I was feeling really awkward," I continue. "And then Ryan started talking to me, and he wasn't having a good time either, so we left."
"And one thing led to another," Shawn finishes. I nod.
"We started dating after that," I finish. "So when I found out about Grace, we just got married, and I was really happy, and then he died, and I couldn't stay in Miami. I left everything."
"Did it help?" Shawn asks.
"Not at first," I admit. "But past it. We always get past it."
"Jules," Shawn says. "Are you happy?"
I stop to consider the question. I'm happier than I was, certainly, but not the happiest I've ever been. I guess I'm fairly happy, considering that my child is dying.
Shawn doesn't wait longer enough for me to decide on an answer before asking, "Would you be happier if you didn't have to go through this alone?" The answer to that question is easy, it's implications, however…
"Jules, I here for you," Shawn states, and I'm once again struck by the fact that Shawn Spencer could ever be this mature. "I want to be here for you," he finishes. "Like Gus is there for a, ancho-chipotle burrito." I smile. This sounds much more like Shawn.
"I guess I'm just trying to say—" but I will never learn what Shawn is trying to say, because this is when I kiss him.