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Sherl Proposes!

The Further Adventures of Sherl and Me: The Princess Cut, Installment IV

"My dreams come true!"

To summarize: As Sherl questioned the bridesmaids about poisoning the Watson's toothpaste during the bridal shower, Trish showed us a gift from her new boyfriend: a princess cut emerald ring surrounded by little half-carat diamonds. My ring. My Robert.

"That's what I was doing in the bedroom," Trish admitted. "Talking dirty with my new boyfriend. He's a bit mad for it."

Oh, how I missed-

"What a beautiful ring." Smug Lily gazed at me, smiling. Now she would talk!

"This awful thing?" Trish regarded it with a wrinkled nose. "A bit gaudy, don't you think? And it's far too big for me."

"Your new boyfriend," I managed. "Robert?"

"Surprise, surprise!" chortled Lily.

Trish gaped. "Is he your Robert? Oh, Janine! I had no idea." Lifting the chain from her neck, she removed the ring. "Here, take it." She dropped it in my hand, a true friend. "I've always wanted a brilliant sapphire."

My eyes welled at the shimmering stone. And I threw it away! I had nothing left but my pride.

"Well. That's all very neat," Sherl remarked. "But it doesn't help us with our poisoning situation. Fortunately, Molly and I had anticipated most of this. It wasn't until quite late last night that we realized we had overlooked the most important clue." He watched us carefully as he spoke. "The initial attack wasn't on Mary. It was on John. The would be killer, or actual killer as it turns out, was a patient. Or, to be precise, the daughter of a patient. Trish?"

Not Trish!

"What are you talking about?" she asked with an icy stare.

"Your father was a patient of John's, was he not? A patient who had died of a heart attack some months ago."

"So? He had a weak heart."

"And a greedy daughter. John tells us you've been reporting symptoms of heart failure in your mother. Symptoms she denies. Were you planning a similar fate for her?"

Trish said nothing, but I couldn't keep quiet. "Even if you were right, why would Trish attack John?" I demanded.

John sighed. "She was so insistent. It was odd."

"Trish picked up on John's suspicions and decided he had to go," explained Sherl. "And now-"

"You can't prove anything!" challenged Trish.

"Ah, but I can," Sherl replied. "When I was sprinkling the ash, I also smeared a bit of petroleum jelly on the toiletries, a substance both difficult to remove and fluorescent under ultraviolet light. It's an old trick." He drew a penlight from his pocket. "If you wouldn't mind holding your hand under this-"

"Enough!" shouted Trish, and she seized me- Little me! -hauled me to my feet and jabbed a needle in my neck- The syringe she'd used to inject the arsenic! Where had she kept it? Her thong? Trish snarled, "Do you want to know how I bumped off Dad?"

"You apparently introduced an air bubble into an artery, stopping his heart," answered Sherl.

Trish gripped me tighter. "And I'll do it again-"

POW!

Something hot scorched my cheek, and Trish screamed as the syringe flew through the air. John tackled her.

Readers, it is difficult to say what had happened, exactly. It seemed that someone had shot the syringe from Trish's hand, but that was impossible. The only person who had been in the correct position was Mary, and everyone knows women are terrible shots. After a long conversation, I understood that Sherl had made a sound like a gunshot, and Trish had dropped the syringe. What a clever man!

Of course, we were immediately overrun with policemen, investigating, dragging a spitting Trish away, all of that. Because I was so distraught, Sherl sat with me during my debriefing interview and helped when I couldn't remember the facts.

The police were still poking round when I found the princess cut ring in the corner and quietly palmed it. There was no reason it should be whisked away in some dreary evidence bag. Sherl, however, spotted me and said, "So you found it."

"It's so beautiful," I sighed sadly, watching it sparkle. "Is it real?"

"It appears that way," he replied, "in the right light."

I sighed again. Would I never have my heart's desire?

"Why not keep it?" he offered. "It was most likely purchased for you. Otherwise the size would have been closer to Trish's."

"You- You're giving me this ring? My princess cut ring!"

"Well, I-"

"Sherl! Does this mean-? Are we-?"

"We're good," answered Sherl, nodding. "You've got your ring. All set."

Yes! Yes! I felt I could fly! Must start right away on the plans! I'd be a June bride- No, Mary had been married in June. August, then. We'd move into my flat- Sherl's was fairly horrid. There was so much to do! Sherl had wandered off to chat with a police officer, but I didn't mind. I- We were getting married!

When the last officer left, it was as though we had all been "set free." John took Lily and Claudette to the station, Mary lay down in the master bedroom, and Sherl and I and Molly as well were in the garden, where Sherl was showing me the finer points of the bee hives. Well, actually, I was contemplating some minor changes in the landscaping- the wedding could be here! -and Sherl and Molly were peering together at the (honestly- rather dull) hives and making incomprehensible jokes.

When Sherl quipped, "Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like bananas," and Molly rejoined with, "Why do chemists like nitrates so much? They're cheaper than day rates," I decided it was time to take a well earned "breather" and left the two alone. It was all right, his spending time with her now; he and I connected on an entirely different plane. I was relaxing on the front porch, when what should speed down the lane and screech to a halt in front of the house but a royal blue Maserati!

Robert leapt out, and I glowered. "You bastard."

"Hullo, Janine. Won't stay. Just here to fetch Trish," he flipped back.

"She's arrested," I told him. "Taken off in cuffs. Killed her own father, didn't she? And she tried to kill me."

"Taken off?" Robert stopped. "Well- I- I came all this way! Why didn't she text?"

"She was busy, getting arrested." It was good to see him flummoxed.

"Well, of all the-" He stopped and glanced at me shyly. "Say, Janine? Could I come in? There now, be a love. Just for a minute. Got to use the loo."

The cheek of him! I was furious, but he looked so forlorn. Against my better judgement, I relented. "All right. Just for a minute."

I went in with him to show him the place and- Dear readers, I would hate to have what happened next be misconstrued. Robert and I- Well. We were very familiar with each other, and I had been under a terrible strain. Quite innocently, we found ourself on the guest room bed (there were no chairs, after all) "déshabillé" (our clothing had got a touch muddy) and Robert was comforting me as only a good friend could, when- Oh! -the bedroom door swung open! Sherl.

He looked startled and disappeared. I wrenched round to follow-"No!" gasped Robert and clutched at me, but I wriggled away (tit for tat!) and told him to wait, I wouldn't be long. I seized my kimono and rushed to Sherl.

My devastated darling was sitting in the sitting room armchair with a slightly stunned expression. He glanced up. "I didn't mean to interrupt. Molly and I were wondering who was here. She is out front, looking after the car."

"Sherl! I'm sorry!"

"Sorry? Why are you sorry?" He was so brave!

"Robert's back," I admitted, sadly. "You and I can't be together now."

"No," he answered with a puzzled expression. "I suppose not." Poor man! He was struggling to grasp the heartless nature of a universe that would present him with a longed for bride one moment and snatch her away then next.

Dear readers, it is difficult to describe my turmoil. On the one hand, I was losing a world famous, completely devoted man- a fiancé! -who depended on me. On the other, I was gaining- regaining -a man who loved me dearly, who had shown such tender affection, who was shifting impatiently on the guest bed—

"Might I keep the ring?" I asked, scarcely daring to hope.

"Of course. You deserve it." Sherl gazed at me. "Janine," he said, slowly, and I felt my very heart melt, "It seems we're both a bit involved with others. I propose we be friends, nothing more. That might be best. For everyone."

"All right!" I cried and tripped back to the bedroom.

There, dear readers, you have it. A ring and a sincere proposal from my darling Sherl. It all worked out: he was involved with-devoted to!-his dear friends, John and Mary, and I had my Robert.

Sherl, Molly, John and Mary left soon after. John drove, Mary sat beside him, and Sherl and Molly were tucked into the back seat, talking and laughing, on and on- Rather tiresome, actually. I stayed in my beautiful cottage with dear Robert the entire rollicking weekend. Readers, my dreams had come true! I had a man, a royal blue Maserati, a cottage in Sussex Downs and a princess cut emerald ring. I was a girl content.

Friends, to make a donation for renovation projects (and to receive some rather interesting pictures), please log onto my webpage: Janines_Beautiful_ . Major credit cards and accepted. Let's make this "our" cottage.

XXXXX

If you enjoyed these Chronicles, I highly recommend Little Me by Patrick Dennis, the work from which this was inspired (okay-shamelessly stolen). It is twice as risqué and four times as funny. -AS2000

PS-Those of you confused by the reference to Janine's webpage, Fanfiction truncates the addresses of webpages to protect people's privacy and to prevent solicitation. I told this to Janine, and she sacked me (don't fret- she always has me back within the week. I took a nice holiday on the beach). Ah, well. She'll finagle the money some how. If not, you all will be seeing more of these Chronicles, and God help us all. -AS2000