Empty

10.
Pairings: Axel/Zexion, Demyx/Roxas and possible Sora/Riku
Rating: M
Warnings: Eating Disorders, depression, self-deprecation, lemons and limes later I think
Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts.
Summary: Axel is popular, his family is loaded, so why does he smile when he can feel each of his ribs? Zexion is quiet, but he's watched Axel for what had felt like forever. Sometimes things happen too quickly, or not quickly enough.

Author's Note: I am so, so sorry for the wait.

Zexion.

His hair was flat, which was an odd sight to see. I half thought his hair was formed into spines protruding from his skull naturally because, unlike anyone else, Demyx's hair was always done. He wasn't as bouncy as normal either and it was plain to see that he was not happy. He wasn't just sad either but completely miserable for some mysterious reason. He was just sitting there with Axel and me. When he had called Axel's phone and not gotten an answered he had messaged me and my crappy little track phone bleeped with a text. I had asked Axel's mother if he could come over and she said yes, of course but Axel had been asleep so Demyx said he would wait. We were there though, all together, me with my book, Axel with some notes for a class and Demyx staring into a cup of apple juice.

It was as if we were waiting for an explosion that never came. He just kept staring at the juice like he was waiting for it to ferment. After a while, his eyes slowly rose to meet my own which were found to be were focused on him despite my book being open. He smiled and tilted his head to the side, appearing slightly vulnerable before he opened his mouth. The way his eyes looked at me made me feel like the world had stopped on its axis and started tumbling into open space, defying the force of gravity. We were falling full force into a huge expanse of possibilities in all different degrees of unpleasantness, our inertia hurtling us towards each idea faster than it seemed we were ready for. The horrible feeling of dread it caused created a growing defense against the impending words. I could hardly wait for his voice to break the tension but my curiosity was rivaled only by my apprehension which made me wish he would never speak.

"Larxene got in a car accident." The blonde said into the cup between him hands, peering away from both of us as he spoke. Axel's head lifted and I stayed flawlessly still. Demyx laughed a little and shrugged with his chin quivering for only a second. "She's at the hospital, they told me to stay away for now, you know how I am with blood, Ax." He looked less like he was going to cry the longer he took steadying breaths to calm himself, you could see the tears receding in his eyes. Even with the soothing intake of air to stabilize him, it looked like he was on a precipice of sorts.

"Is she okay?" I was surprised by my own voice jumping out before any others could. His eyes trained onto me once again and I felt helpless to relieve him. He shrugged once again, breathing more deeply like he was a balloon, getting as much air in as possible.

"She's still unconscious. A drunk driver hit her on her way back from college. She was coming home for Mom's birthday." The silence tore on after that for hours; of course we spoke to him, our words were hollow though, it was a metaphoric silence. The silence we experienced was the silence of someone trying to handle something very fragile and very expensive. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, if it was what someone was supposed to do, or if it was only making things worse. Demyx never cried that night. He stayed with us, soft and gentle looking with tears trapped in his eyes that just wanted to be spilt every once in a while. I wanted to tell him that if it was worth it to cry over anything than it was worth it to cry over his sister. It felt wrong to tell him that, who was I to tell him to unleash his emotions when I kept my own bottled up? When it came time to sleep Demyx called home and held a hushed conversation that Axel and I listened to intently until he returned and asked if it was alright to stay the night.

Without a second thought Axel agreed and offered to drive me home since we had agreed I would go home that night and it was nearing the witching hour. The car ride over was quiet, and Axel dropped me off at the spot where he had picked me up in the morning which was not far at all from my house and when I got out of the car I knocked on the passenger door, where Demyx was sitting. He looked up at me through the window in a deject way that only reaffirmed how I felt about what I was going to do. I motioned him outside of the car and he slowly climbed out at my command. As he stood before me in the cold it was hard to not love him.

"You can call me at any hour, you can text me at any moment you need and I'll do everything for you. Now let me hold you for a minute." The look on his face was so brilliantly sentimental that it almost looked like he was crumbling and I think he might have been. He was shaking, his breathing rasping when I grasped him in a hug, but he nuzzled his face into my shoulder and held me like a small child after a nightmare. I was beginning to see why everyone made such a big deal out of hugs.

"Thank you, Zexion." He whispered with a broken voice before he moved back once more and righted himself. I didn't understand why he didn't let himself cry. He was frightened and cheerless yet wouldn't release the tension. It was as if he thought crying would make him weak.

"Hey, what happened to Zexy? What's this Zexion stuff?" I teased but it just came out stiff, like I was fighting with my own grief which maybe I was. It hurt to watch him in pain. I may not have liked Larxene at all either but I was scared for her, all the different emotions and possible outcomes for his sister were swirling around inside of me and maybe it hurt me a fraction of what it hurt him but it was still tough to cheer him up when nothing would.

"Right… right, Zexy." He waved his hand and nodded, looking back into the car, clearly wanting to sit down and escape the awkwardness with me. The way he was behaving stung, his words were full of air, more like ethereal whispers rather than a regular volume. He was hurting so much and I could not fix it…

"Crying doesn't make you weak. I'll go now. Okay, Dem-Dem?" I tried a smile and tilted my head like he did, trapping a little bit of his light inside of me. He choked out a miserable laughe again and nodded.

"I love you, Zexy. Stay out of trouble." He said softly before climbing into the car. I leaned over and looked inside where Axel was smiling sadly at me. His hand made a little gun and he moved it in a small motion, twirling from his temple down like a suave yet casual wave someone wearing a tux in an old movie would give. I returned the deject expression of mingled relief and worry before standing up straight and walking back in the directions I had come from that morning. Axel drove away with our friend safely in the passenger seat.

When I got into the house, my father was standing in the kitchen, cleaning which was not common, but not exactly rare either. I greeted him softly and he grunted in response before I went into my room. He had left me a note under the door that I found once I wandered inside. It was an apology. There was always an apology. He rarely hit me, honestly, and it was never bad. This was probably the third time in a year and a half or two years, but he was simply a frightening man. He was prejudice against so many things it made my head spin sometimes. He had anger problems and when he drank, they were the worst. However, everything was usually fine, we even had really good times where we laughed so hard together we would choke or nearly start crying.

I loved him so much but he made it hard for me to bring people around. After mom had died things got tougher. He had just lost his job which had barely paid for anything as it was. There was nothing left in the economy for us and while he was drunk, I yelled at him. I hadn't deserved the beating, but in retrospect, I should have controlled myself better because I knew how he acted when he wasn't sober. He still felt bad though. I knew he would, it was what the grunt was about. He was a tough soul but he was a good man. He just fell into traps easily.

The note detailed his guilt and how he had gone job hunting and was waiting for a few calls from a few different places. He was looking for two jobs this time so maybe we could pay off the house finally, and he said we were close to it. Once the house was paid off and the mortgage was gone we would be able to cover all our other expenses. It was a nice line of talk but it would take time and I was still angry with him for the previous night. We couldn't afford three meals a day and sometimes it wasn't even two. The only reason I kept my phone was because it was so cheap: only ten dollars a month with a decent plan. Besides, I needed it for work, even if they were giving me less hours as the days wore on. I walked out into the kitchen and patted his back.

"I love you, Dad." He nodded, the wrinkles and haggard look on his face betraying more than anything else had. I knew he loved me, it was what kept me around even through the verbal bullying he sometimes engaged in and the occasional slap or object thrown. I knew full well he loved me, he just couldn't control himself sometimes. Slowly I walked back to my room and lowered myself on the bed. My face still looked pulpy but I wasn't stiff due to the activities of the day but it was as I laid down that all the emotions I suppressed all day came back and it was all I could do to keep breathing.

I was scared, worried, and lonely suddenly, my mind disparaged, and exhausted. I was completely and totally exhausted and as much as I was not comfortable as I lay down behind my closed door, I fell asleep within five minutes at the most.

/ / /

There was an audible sound of my hair freezing as the bitter air collided with me in the morning. I was mildly horrified by the crackling but the risk of my being tardy overrode my apprehension of frozen hair. I had taken longer than normal to rouse myself from the heavy warmth of my blankets and quilts, and as a result, I was forced to brave the frigid weather sooner than I was comfortable with. I was never particularly unhappy with my morning walks, except when my snot snapped inside of my nose from the temperature, but that morning it was too much to deal with when the added worry, and fear for Demyx and his sister was added into the list of things I had to ignore. I decided to focus on the cold instead of facing the reality that a friend of mine had a sister in the hospital who might die, the temperature kept me calm at least. It bit into my flesh even through the cheap thrift store coat I always wore.

I had never been late in high school, I rarely ran behind schedule, so I let my annoyance and infuriation about the slow progression take precedence in my mind. Nearly anything was better than thinking about how nervous I was. My boots crashed obnoxiously in the slush and ice of the poorly shoveled sidewalk as I urged my rebellious muscles to move forward more. I would have loved to simply crawl back into bed again and not face the day but familiar tail lights in a black Saturn came into sight near to where Axel had picked me up before and I felt relieved in a way. I could enjoy the other male's company and feel better with his smiles, silly words and laughter; I could appreciate Axel's way of always doing everything just right for someone else. I realized suddenly how much I had missed him after I went home the night previous and my pace quickened, so I could see him moments sooner than I had before. It was ridiculous.

The redhead hadn't noticed my approach, he was resting his head on the steering wheel, snapping rubber bands that were around his wrist. I hesitated for a moment with my hand on the door handle, and just watched him. He looked like a mess, his hands were shaking despite the awkward movements to snap the rubber against the softer inside of his wrists. He was using three bands to inflict the pain and it fascinated me. I didn't understand it, I doubted that it was a good idea for him to do it though, there could not be innocent reasons behind it.

"Hey, are you waiting for me?" I asked while swinging open the door and climbing in beside him. He looked startled as if he has not heard my approach to the car, and the unguarded way he looked made him seem like he was worse off than he might have been. The bags under his eyes were terrible to look at and he looked like he hadn't slept at all.

"Yeah, good morning." He smiled in a friendly manner before putting the car in drive.

"Where's Demyx?" I asked quietly, my worry for him had faded for a few moments in my gladness to see Axel but his presence was startling.

"I dropped him off at his house, he didn't want to go to school this morning, I don't blame him." Axel was driving very slowly, the back of his hand looked freezing, the skin showed a mild discoloration. I was a responsible person, I was an amazing student, I was not one to do rebellious things but my next words were flying out of my mouth so fast that I barely even minded how silly I sounded.

"Take me back to your house, alright? We should rest, you look like you didn't sleep and I don't think I can make it through school without freaking out. There's too much going on." I blurted it all out but managed to sound confident in skipping out on our responsibilities. I wondered if it was how I spoke about things that were wrong – acting like they didn't matter while making them known. Axel's look of surprise was simple and warm, he was considering it and, while he looked tempted, his mouth was turned down into a disapproving expression. "I want to spend time with you, and I need to rest." I said, hoping he wouldn't turn me down, hoping he was going to feel special and needed or wanted by my words. I was not going to tell him I had missed him last night when I was scared and depressed but I could tell him how I felt now. That seemed to change his mind.

"My mother's at work already and Reno was going to leave a few minutes after I left. We can call into the school sick, or something." He said with a soft exhalation that seemed like a sigh of relief. A world of possibilities flew through my mind in a few slow seconds and my cheeks threatened to turn a scarlet shade of red. We had been alone before, and when we were he had attached his mouth to my neck, giving me a hickey. I wondered if this time was going to be similar, I doubted it but I sort of hoped for it at the same time. I didn't particularly want to be the person he used for physical stimulation though. I didn't want to be just another person. He was already driving us back to his house as my mind wandered to the different things that happened between Axel and I. It was so odd to really think about the progress we had made over the past month, I saw him almost every single day outside of school, I had spent enormous amounts of time with him and plenty of time with Demyx as well. When I thought more about it, I spent more time with them outside of school than I ever had with any of my friends all through high school.

It was startling to look at him and realize how close I had let us become in such a short amount of time. He was someone I had always felt fondly for but it had never been true feelings because I had not known him. He had been only a face and the words I had listened in on, more than anything he had been the representation of a person and not an actual physical being to me. Now that I spent so much time with him, he was real, he had deeper thoughts and traits that bubbled just below the surface, where he didn't trust me to venture just yet. I knew much more about him, I was accustomed to him, he was my friend and not someone to idolize. I cared about him and it was shocking to look at him and see everything I knew before mixed so blatantly with everything I knew now. I wanted to tell him that I had this odd sensation of knowing him finally. Telling him that I felt so much closer to him, meant telling him I had swooned over his existence like a pathetic school girl. I was not willing to make myself look like a fool in that way just yet.

He pulled into his driveway just in time for my thoughts to diffuse and swim into new territories. His hands moved shakily through the motions of turning off the car and grasping for his things, while I simply plucked my fingers over the hem of the zipper on my bag and watched his movements. It seemed like a journey to his front door, he was sluggish and I felt badly for him. I wanted to help him, I wanted to know what exactly to say to help him, and I wanted to know what was wrong, specifically. He kicked off his shoes and stripped off his jacket with me following suit behind him, the warmth of his house wonderful and mixed with the spicy scent of pumpkin and cinnamon. It was a mixture of a candle left burning in his kitchen and the male in front of me who wandered his way directly to the kitchen as if in a stupor.

"I'm going to make coffee, want some?" His voice was strained, like he was holding back, hoping for something perhaps, or simply trying to act tougher than he was. I rested on a stool in his breakfast nook, nodding when he looked at me. That was when things seemed to be strange, he half smiled and nodded but didn't move to make the coffee. We stared at each other until he looked at the counter, leaning on it with his cotton-clad shoulders peaking like dark, black mountains around his thin neck. His fingers were pressed firmly against the surface and they seemed to strain a little bit, turning chalkier than they had been before. I was worried but silent, letting the sound of his breathing, the heating vents in his house, and the occasional car passing his house on the slushy street outside be the only noise near us. I tried to focus on the cars, the sound of their speed as the treads of their tires pulled the snowy mash of atoms off of the pavement to only grind it against the hard surface again. I tried to picture the slow motion of the wheels shining as they rolled in the white morning sunlight. The images I was trying to focus on were not enough to block out the steady way his biceps twitched or the way his head hung, the sound of his sighs were too loud in the silence for me to disappear. I didn't know how to handle the situation, how to interpret his actions or what I was supposed to do but his sudden movement to stand up straight was disquieting, and it abruptly shattered my calculating train of thought. He held his head and made a moaning sound, one hand grasping the edge of the counter as if he was holding it to stay upright. The palm of his other hand was snuggly held against one eye socket, his mouth open to gasp air subconsciously and his nose scrunched up in discomfort.

"Are you alright?" My voice broke, the crackling of my throat seeming obnoxious as it cleared the disuse away. I coughed a little, not pleased that I sounded pubescent; even if it was simply because I had said very little from the time I had woken up until then.

"Yeah," he seemed too breathy though, his words light in volume yet heavy with the lie that was so blatant it was nearly insulting. I pursed my lips, biting them a bit and wetting the bottom one before breathing to speak.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, really." He murmured and made an unintentional clicking noise as he moved his tongue in his mouth. I didn't believe for one second that he was fine, it looked like he had gotten dizzy and that was worrying, he probably had not slept much and as I thought on it, I couldn't recall the last time he ate a meal in front of me.

"How about we eat some breakfast and sleep?" My suggestion was shot down immediately by a shaking of his head. He rubbed one eye slowly and breathed out evenly before looking at me, his hands both on the counter now, one green apple iris surrounded by a pink hue on his skin from the rubbing of his hand. He had dark circles under his eyes I hadn't really paid much attention to before.

"Maybe just sleep, Demyx was up most of the night."

"I'm sort of hungry, I don't really want to eat at your house if you're not eating though." My voice trailed, my focus on him completely in a different way than it ever was normally. He just stared at me, as if calculating my intentions and I smiled a little bit, not sure exactly what else to do.

"Alright, Zexion." He conceded and began gathering the usual sort of breakfast things. For a little while our conversation was sparse and it seemed like Axel couldn't stop from eating. He was either staring at me or shoveling something else into his mouth. It looked like he didn't even chew some of the food – just swallowed it. I wanted to stop watching him eat, but I couldn't. The way he voraciously devoured the food didn't fit with his normal behavior. I had never seen him eat like this before. He cut things up, loads of small pieces, he shredded bread and drank glass after glass of orange juice. It looked like he was losing control of something, like he was reverting to a way of comforting himself, like he couldn't resist the food. I was frightened in a way, his immediate change in behavior was so startling. Abruptly, he stopped and tapped his fingers, shifting his weight where he was sitting next to me with the collection of breads, poptarts, cinnamon buns, and cereals in front of us. Then he suddenly stood up, turning to me for a moment, awkward in a way I hadn't seen him before.

"I forgot to shower, I'm going to go do that." He was rushed sounding, which was confusing, his mannerisms were all off, his eyes were too hazy looking, his hands were shaking worse now than they had before. I was frightened, nearly shaking from it, too.

"Can't you do that after we sleep? You look exhausted, come on, if you're lucky we can cuddle or something." My head tripped over itself as I spoke but the physical contact would actually be very pleasant. Axel didn't tease me like he normally would, he shot a sly smile to me, but his words failed him, for some reason he was torn between a shower and cuddling with me which he would probably not receive the chance for in a long while. "Come on," I mumbled while standing and motioning him to follow me to his room which he did mechanically. Maybe he was just feeling the need for routine because the chaos of his best friend's sister in the hospital, that could explain his weird way of acting. I didn't bother turning on the light to his room, the open door displayed enough light for me to see the way to his bed in the blacked out atmosphere. I wanted to believe he was acting strangely because of Demyx. It was easier to handle than anything else.

"Zexion, I should really shower before this," his syllables were a little more panicked but I was feeling daring. I felt needed and important which gave me confidence and a certain exuberance that I did not normally have – I grasped his hand and pulled him into the dark room. He kicked the door shut as we stumbled to his bed in the pitch black area, he had explained how he needed it so dark so the pictures in his dark room wouldn't be ruined when he opened the door to his bedroom.

"It's alright, you smell nice." I reassured, feeling as if we had switched positions in our normal banter. This wasn't banter, though, this was him needing someone, I told myself. The crumpling noises of movement into the space between the sheets was loud to my ears, the crisp feel of the cotton against my bare arms and feet contrasted beautifully with the sensation his body so near to mine caused upon my form. His bed was larger than mine, it had enough room for us to lay near one another without touching but I chose to stay against him. I pressed my face into his pillows for a moment, taking in his scent before I relaxed into the comfortable surroundings.

His mouth opened, so close to me that I could smell the food upon his breath, it wasn't unpleasant but it was certainly different. His body was rigid, he was tense and it was unlike him in so many ways. My confidence faltered, my mind second guessed everything that I had been thinking, everything about what had been happening this morning with him and I didn't know what was right or what was wrong. I felt stupid, I felt naïve and ridiculous, my face probably burnt with color but we were in the dark so it didn't matter. Axel's breathing was uneven but he had his mouth shut and was breathing through his nose. I wanted to know what was going on inside of his head, what was happening that I didn't know about. I felt like I was missing some important information that would make all the events clear. He was simply silent as he pressed close to my body once again, his rigidity not changing.

"Zexion, I need a shower." He said once more, his tone still panicked. I nodded, conceding that he might need some semblance of normality during a tough period. Perhaps a shower was best, it could comfort him and then he could feel more at ease. Things had been more difficult for him than I probably knew, I had no right to stop him from doing what was best for him. The images of him snapping the rubber bands on his wrist, and eating so quickly in his kitchen, those stuck in my head, though. I was worried, I only wanted to help.

"I'll wait for you, alright?" I offered, and he nodded, leaving the bedroom quickly, leaving the door cracked just the barest amount so that some light shown in, a cold white bar falling into the room and casting its frigid radiance around the darkness. Axel's bed smelt like heavy cinnamon, febreeze, and a mild tone of cigarette scent dancing within. It was comforting, the embrace of his blankets, along with the smell of his bedding all around me lulled me into a sleepy stupor. I could hear Axel crying, I assumed that's what those sounds were, anyway, the coughs and sometimes small groans that were hushed under the spray of the water. I wished I could hold him.

Preview:

"You can talk to me." His voice was like a sheer curtain flowing in the wind. It twisted in my mind, turned elegantly and sunk back into place as mere words. Words you could see through in the light. They were simply words that meant nothing, they hid things, blocked your view of the truth outside, they hung on the metal bar above my head and wrapped around me in the wind but they didn't stop me from feeling the cold. They didn't stop me from seeing the landscape just outside of the window. I wondered if it took many curtains to recover. I wondered for a moment if I could wrap enough of his words around me so the images of purges, starvation, and exercise were completely obscured. I wondered if he could tell me so many things that I would forget anything else, I could stay wrapped up in his sheer curtains with the window closed. A few moments after I thought those things, though, they were gone. There would never be anything to hide the disorder from my mind; it would always be there somewhere, in the back of my mind.